A Letter To Ely

Dear Ely,

I have this image in my head of someone calling you and asking for Eli, which is of course a mispronunciation of your name. Then I imagine you saying, “That’s not my name ay ay ay ay ay” (hopefully you got that reference). 

Then they’ll ask you how to pronounce your name and you’ll respond, “Ely. Like LED. Because I’m bright, like a light, and you can’t even pronounce a three letter name, Mr. Solar Panel.”

*Phone drop*

Has that scenario happened to you before? If not, it must. Make it happen!

As for me, my name is quite simple. So simple, in fact, that a FedEx guy once typed my name into his little keypad contraption as “Pal”. 

I told him it was wrong and he should’ve typed in “Nan” instead. He asked, “Why Nan?” He didn’t understand so I had to spell it out for him.

New Arch-Nemesis. Nan.

Alright, so the Nan part didn’t happen, but the Pal part did. As if my name isn’t short enough.

I guess it could’ve been worse. He could’ve typed in “Pul”. That would’ve confused everyone. People would probably call me “Push”. No one knows the difference between push and pull.

That was a door joke. I don’t think I’ve ever made a door joke. I’m breaking new ground! Or doors! I’m breaking things. Save the rain forest!

I don’t know.

You and I share a “borderline disliking towards cats”. Your words, not mine. I agree with you, though.

I just…I just don’t know. I mean, cats have feelings. I get it. I just don’t care about their feelings. Maybe deep down I want to be a cat. It looks like the best life, outside of a panda.

Oh man, if I could be a panda. You have to watch the YouTube video of pandas going down a slide

Back to cats.

They’ve never been nice to me. They’ve yelled at me through windows. They’ve circled my yard. They’ve urinated in my backyard while staring me straight in the eyes.

My. Back. YARD!

My backyard. On the grass I put down with my calloused hands. How dare they!

Alright, I didn’t put any grass down. It’s been there since I was born. And my hands are as smooth as butter, but you get the point!

How do people get sticky hands? I don’t understand it. It’s never happened to me. Or how people get sweaty palms. Hwwwhat’s that about? My hands don’t sweat. They’re hands, not armpits.

See, I can’t even talk about cats without trailing off into a tangent about something else. I just don’t care. Sorry. If people like cats, they like cats. Me? Meh.

I probably feel this way because I’m 98% sure I was a dog in a previous life, but that’s a topic for another day. 

“Nooo Paul, tell me more about your dog-like tendencies.”

I’m sure you woof like to know more, but no-rooo.

Hey, you once had a cat and it drowned in your backyard pool. 

Bam. Talk about turning this one-sided conversation on its head. I’m skilled.

Alright, no more animal talk.

Ely, you bake cakes! Surprise! 

The pictures you post of your cakes are nothing short of incredibenomenal! Why do you not have your own TV show? You could bake your cake and eat it too!

At this time, I’d like to pause and brainstorm some ideas for your new show that no one has given you. Okay? Alright.

“D-Ely-Licious”

No. That sounds too…too. That sounds too too. There. You know what I mean.

“Frosting The Snowman”

Nope.

“Cake N Bake”

The N stands for “Nutritional” if anyone asks. Let’s hope no one asks because the sugar budget is through the roof.

“Whatcha Cookin’ At?”

Ehhh I think we have a winner! 

Done.

We now resume a letter already in progress.

….and that’s why I asked for some scotch while playing hopscotch in Grade 1.

Oh! Hi! Didn’t see you there. Welcome back. Just telling stories out of school here. Literally.

That scotch story was completely false, though. Don’t believe everything I write. I do most things for dramatic effect.

LOOK OUT!

See, dramatic effect.

When you requested this letter, you wanted me to taco ’bout why I’ve never had a taco before. You asked me a million and eight questions – that’s 1,000,008 for the visual learners at home – about it. Right now, I’m going to answer your questions one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one………skip a few, 99, 100.

1. Is it because it’s not an available food in Canada?

No. It is available. 

2. Is it because there are too many ingredients mixed together and wrapped up into a tortilla and this MESS in your mouth is an overwhelming thought?!

No. I don’t mind a mess in my….I shouldn’t finish this sentence.

3. Is it because they aren’t aesthetically pleasing to the eye?

Maybe. I have the ability to look at a food and know whether I’m going to like it or not. Tacos just send out alarm bells and the letters “Y”, “W”, and “H” appear in my mind. I think it’s a word jumble. Help me solve it?

4. Is it because you fear tacos will take over your life because they’re conspiring with the alien cats to rule planet earth?

Getting warmer.

5. Is it because you had nightmares of tacos eating YOU inside of a tortilla?

That’s a personal question.

6. Did someone hit you with a taco in a stadium during a hockey game and it stained your favourite jersey and now you’re all like TACO LIVES DO NOT MATTER!

No, but now I have a new fear. Thanks.

7. Are you on taco strike?!

Yes. I’ve struck them from my diet.

Those were your questions. Those were my answers. I hope that clears the air, woof and for all.

Then you told me there was a 1-800 number for this sort of thing. I appreciate it.

Now, I could tell you a story about why I’m not interested in tacos, but that would take too long and I prefer people coming to their own conclusions.

Why clarify, when people can gossip, right?

Right!

We’ll taco ’bout it another time, I guess.

Alright, as I close this letter, there are things I should say.

First off, I just want to thank you for caring about my blog and the words I put on it. Thank you for a being a friend who I can rely on for really long messages on my posts while you’re sitting in traffic.

Yeah, about that. Stop it! Stop reading my blog while driving! I don’t want to be the cause of death for anyone.

Simply park in the middle of the road, stand on the roof of your car, and read my blog post aloud. Get a megaphone if you need one! 

Also, thank you for somehow getting on WordPress’ bad side and having some of your comments end up in my spam folder. That’s talent!

Your blog is incredible. You literally give no fox, as your blog name suggests. You say what you want to say and don’t care who likes it. That’s admirable. We also have the same ridiculous sense of humour, so that’s terrifying great.

You’re one of the hardest working people I know, and I don’t even know you. You have a beautiful family and a new dog – which I assume isn’t allowed anywhere near swimming pools?

Anyways, I’m glad our blogs crossed paths and all that stuff yada yada yada, alright too much mush.

“Mush” – that’s what snow dogs hear all day.

I know you enjoyed this letter so I’m not even going to bother saying, “I hope you enjoyed it.” Waste of words.

I’m trying to be succinct!

With a woof woof here and a woof woof there,

Paul

 

If you’re wondering why I’m writing letters, read this.

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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16 Responses to A Letter To Ely

  1. Ely says:

    I just died. Please hold while I resuscitate myself- actually I’m having dinner please hold while I’m done with that LOL I AM SO EXCITED AND THANKFUL AND MY COMMENT IS NOT DONE!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Angela says:

    CATs and TACOs! …Oh, is it because it has the word cat in it? Albeit backward
    Cats are weird, why do they always look like they are plotting to kill someone?!
    I am trying to imagine you as a dog in your past life, a friend of mine has a boxer who loves Pizza, he’s always up to mischief, I can see you like him!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Ely says:

    Ok. So YES they have called me ELI before and it really pisses me off every single time lol because I always think of the BOOK OF ELI and for some reason that just kills my vibe and I’m not even sure like, why…. hmm. Then I always question why I ever decided to spell “Ely” and I’ve thought about just changing it to Eli, because it just makes more sense being that my name is Eli-zabeth but here’s the thing…. I got this butterfly tattoo in high school and it says ELY in cursive really small underneath it. So I doomed myself. And now I have no idea why I did such a thing as if I’d someday forget my name. Ugh. Just UGH.

    LOL @ the Pal FedEx incident!!! I also have zero idea why palms sweat! I also have an issue with “eye boogers” ok THAT is uncomfortable except when you take them out and sometimes they’re really long and tickle your eye- ok ok I’ll stop with the weird fetish. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

    Also- all men were dogs in their other lives. Most are still possessed with doglike tendencies. But I woof never say that this is the case for you! :::badumm tsss:::

    And literally fuck cats. Who do they think they are?! That story about the cat in your yard nearly killed me the first time I read it lol!!!!! Just amazing. And yes. My daughters cat apparently committed suicide. I’m thinking Cocoa read my blog. Or my thoughts. For sure she read my thoughts. That’s why cats stare at us in frozen mode: because they KNOW all the things. Fucking monsters. Did I mention cocoa was ALL BLACK. What was I THINKING!!!!

    As far as cake goes. I’m building an empire literally! It’s one of the reasons I haven’t had a chance to post anything up recently. I’ve decided to go HARD and expand. I think I found my calling, other than ranting on my blog for free entertainment! And I LOVEEEEE “watcha cookin at?!” HA! So me! I have so much to share about my cakeventures. I can’t wait to spill the beans. Or the flour. Or the eggs. I don’t know. Do you?! Thank you for the compliments!!! By the way, my cakes taste as good as they look! Ok I’m done.

    I appreciate this letter so much! It made my day! I’m so incredibly thankful we met and clicked and that our humor is n’sync. And not Backstreet Boys or 98 degrees… it just wouldn’t have worked out any other way LMAO!

    And about the Tacos?! I’m speechless. I couldn’t stop laughing, “getting warmer” that was the part that killed me lmfao. It’s ok. I don’t judge. I just judge. I for sure judge anyone who’s opposed to tacos. But I won’t judge. Ok I’m judging. Seriously. Eat a taco. For fox sake. Lol!!! No pressure though.

    Paul you’re just the best. You’re a stand-up guy (wtf does that mean like what exactly is a sit-down guy?!) and I respect and admire you and literally look forward to your blog every chance I get!!!! It’s become part of my life now:

    Eat
    Sleep
    Do the things
    Work
    Bake
    Keep kids alive
    Read Paul’s blog

    BAM!!! Lol 😂 hugs from the Fox!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      New Idea: THE COOK OF ELY
      Though people would still probably pronounce it wrong. Can’t win.

      A butterfly tattoo?? “She Gives No Butter-Fly”. Sorry my mind is wandering lol

      I just removed an eye booger 5 minutes ago, though they’ve never tickled me eye? Hahaha what?? Now I’m curious about how that feels.

      Woof woof woof!

      Ah, cocoa was cuckoo for cocoa puffs wasn’t she? Or maybe just cuckoo. Poor cat.

      Yes! Can’t wait to see how big your empire gets! I just picture your house filled with cakes and you have a mini pathway to walk around. It’s like cake heaven.

      Hahaha our humour is fire, but 98 Degrees will never be on our level! I don’t know what I’m saying.

      I am a sit-down guy, thank you! If I ever eat a taco I’ll be sure to write a blog post about it and say how I was peer pressured into it.

      “Keep kids alive” is right about “Read Paul’s blog” ahahaha I like it!

      Thanks Ely!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        Lmao!! That 98 degrees pun flew right over my head I think🤔. And I think the eye booger thing was just a bit much even for me so I’m sorry, lol but seriously you need to pull it out slowwwwly from the corner of your eye all the way to the other side- ok enough enough enough 😬😳 and the cook of Ely Haaaa #teamgenius!! We could do this for days, so I’ll cut myself short and thank you once again for my letter. It was more than I expected!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Little Rants says:

    People with thyroid problems often get sweaty hands. And sticky hands from eating glazed donuts and forgetting to wash hands after. 😹😹

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Lee Dunn says:

    I enjoyed this, and think writing letters to people is a great idea!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. m4gical says:

    I ‘liked’ this as soon as I got to the fed ex part where he should’ve spelt nan 😂😂 currently reading this at work wasting some time (more like time well spent haha!). Oh paul, there’s something polar opposite about us. The cat situation, you was previously a dog and I was previously a cat, I don’t think I we’ll ever see eye to eye on the whole cat thing but that’s ok x x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jad says:

    I loved this letter Ely is one of my favourite bloggers

    Liked by 1 person

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