It’s episode five, let’s attack this bee hive.
~ This week they are in Fort Lauderdale, which Arie calls a “beautiful place to fall in love” because he’s contractually obligated to say that about every place they go to.
~ “There’s yachts everywhere.”
~ The girls are riding bicycles on the sidewalk. None of them are wearing helmets.
~ This show really sends the wrong message to children, on all accounts.
~ They enter a penthouse suite and are more excited to see it, than they’ve ever been to see Arie in the first four episodes. #TrueLove
~ Arie walks in and the girls tell him they’ve been riding bikes. “That’s awesome” he says.
~ I count 12 girls in the room and Arie asks Chelsea out on a date in front of all of them.
~ Christopher Y. Harrison has missed an opportunity to enter a room wearing cargo shorts and a shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I’m sad.
~ Oh look, Arie and Chelsea are going on a yacht.
~ Lauren B. is in the penthouse wondering why Arie didn’t look at her.
~ Maquel walks in the room. She’s back.
~ “I’m on a dream boat, but I’m also with a dreamboat.”
~ I’m throwing up on the floor, but I’m also throwing up on the couch.
~ The girls in the penthouse are spying on Arie and Chelsea with a telescope. This is the real reason they got that room.
~ It’s now the evening portion of the date and they’re at a car museum.
~ Oh look, there’s that small round table they always sit at for “dinner”! It’s on every date.
~ “Anything you say is your life.” – Arie
~ Animal crackers.
~ Based on Arie’s statement, animal crackers are my life.
~ Chelsea’s son was 6 months old when his father left them for another woman.
~ “This is an ear-replaceable moment.” – Chelsea
~ Of course, the word is “irreplaceable” but she pronounced it as “ear-replaceable”.
~ Back at the penthouse is a date card for 11 girls. ELEVEN.
~ Another elementary school field trip for Arie and the gang!
~ Who does he think he is with these small class sizes? Ms. Frizzle?
~ Oh yeah, Chelsea got a rose on her date.
~ And there is, yet again, a private concert for them.
~ “Hey, wanna go on a date? We’ll go on a yacht that isn’t mine, attend a car museum after hours, not eat dinner, and then dance together in an empty room to a band I didn’t hire.”
~ Time for the group date field trip and they’re at a bowling alley. It just writes itself, doesn’t it?
~ Arie just licked a bowling ball before throwing it, to appease the viewers who like germs and random diseases.
~ The girls arrive and Arie hugs all of them before saying, “We’re bowling today!”
~ NO KIDDING, IT WAS ON THE PERMISSION FORM!
~ Oh great, they’re drinking beer and the bowling hasn’t even started yet.
~ Someone is falling in the lane, I’m calling it now. And then Arie will go pick them up, but fall too. And then they’ll kiss. WATCH. (Spoiler: This doesn’t happen, but you could picture it, right?)
~ Krystal doesn’t like group dates because she’s not the centre of attention.
~ Competition: They’re getting into teams. The winning team goes on to the next part of the date. The losing team goes back to the penthouse.
~ It’s the Pin-ups vs. The Spare Roses
~ I am shocked neither team is called Pinterest. Shocked I tell you.
~ Krystal is trying to give the team a pep talk but it’s not working. She’s no Paul from The Captain’s Speech, that’s for sure.
~ Bekah throws a gutter ball and her teammate says, “It’s okay, we got this!”
~ I’m going to let you all in on a little secret, which you may already know.
~ In sports, when someone tells you, “It’s okay, we got this!”, it means you’re losing badly and don’t want to admit defeat yet.
~ The Spare Roses won.
~ The team that “got this” lost. That’s just the way the animal cracker crumbles sometimes.
~ Krystal is being a bad winner according to Bekah.
~ Arie feels bad for the girls who lost and is sitting alone in the bowling alley, pondering what the producers told him he should do.
~ He goes to get the Pin-ups from the broom closet they were having a pity party in.
~ He invites them to the after party. Krystal is pissed.
~ “I fought for his time, he didn’t want it. I’m done.” – Krystal
~ What would Krystal and Arie’s couple name be? Kryrie? Kryrie A River?
~ Kryrie A River. Done.
~ Apparently Krystal lost her mind on the bus on the way back from bowling.
~ THERE WAS A BUS.
~ THIS REALLY IS THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS.
~ I am always right. I scare myself sometimes.
~ The girls are at the penthouse waiting to go out, and Krystal walks in wearing her bathrobe. She’s staying home.
~ KRYSTAL IS ARNOLD, EXCEPT ARNOLD NEVER ACTUALLY STAYED HOME.
~ If these Magic School Bus references are going over your head, grab a phone book and prop yourself up. It’s important you understand them.
~ Krystal’s bags are packed, she’s ready to go.
~ Arie meets up with the girls and says “We’re all here.” Ahahahaha
~ Arie says the right thing for him to do is check on her. That’s TV-speak for: “The producers really want footage of this conversation.”
~ “I can’t even.” – Maquel
~ Arie tells Krystal, “It was just bowling.” She tells him it was more than that.
~ Krystal: “I was pissed.” Ha, I said that exact thing a few notes up.
~ Arie wants her to stay in her room tonight and think about what she’s done. He’s not happy about it and is leaving.
~ Krystal is in time-out.
~ Arie to the other 10 girls: “We have the night to ourselves.”
~ BUT there are 10 of you…
~ Kendall tells him she hasn’t had a relationship longer than 8-10 months, but this 10 week (give or take) process is forcing her to take things slower.
~ Wait, what?
~ Arie wants them to connect emotionally.
~ “Kendall is not your average girl. She’s quirky. She’s analytical.”
~ Can someone tell me what an “average girl” is? Please, answers below.
~ After shoving his hands through Bekah’s round earrings last week while grabbing her face, she is wearing earrings without any holes in them this week.
~ That deserves a drink!
~ Becca still smells like a bowling ball. Arie takes her to his room.
~ “I want to ask you everything.” – Becca
~ And then they kiss.
~ No real conversations happen on this show.
~ Maybe it’s me, but I don’t think I could marry someone unless I knew what their favourite snack was back in kindergarten. On this show, they never even get to the “What’s your favourite food?” part, let alone kindergarten snacks.
~ Crackers and cheese was my favourite kindergarten snack. I’d make mini sandwiches out of them. Chef Paulo at age 4.
I had kids lining up asking for the Chef Paulo Classico.
~ Oh no, Krystal is getting ready. She is going to crash the group date which she was invited to, but forbidden to attend!
~ Bad things happen when you leave time-out before you’re allowed.
~ Well, well, well, Arnold has finally decided to show up on the field trip.
~ “I came here (to the date) because I felt like I needed to step up and face a challenge.”
~ The girls are slowly leaving the room. #TheKrystalEffect
~ Lauren B. is now playing 21 questions with Arie. Let’s see if she can get passed 0 questions, unlike Becca.
~ She likes her coffee with coconut milk and her favourite colour is burgundy.
~ “I’m afraid I’m going to fall for you and you’re going to choose someone else.” – Lauren B. #Foreshadowing??
~ They made it to about 5 questions out of 21 before Lauren asks him to kiss her.
~ Lauren B. is the current clubhouse leader with 5. Becca is in second by default. They better finish this game later.
~ Arie is about to hand out the group date rose and is doing what I told him he needs to stop doing. He’s complimenting a bunch of them before giving the rose out.
~ Stop getting their hopes up!
~ Lauren B. gets the rose. The coconut milk in her coffee was the main reason, I assume.
~ Krystal snuck out before Arie caught her out of her time-out room.
~ Arie and Tia are going on a date now.
~ Their couple name is Tiara. Just go with it.
~ You get the “Ti” from her name, the “ar” from his name, and then back to her name for the “a”. Tiara.
~ Oh my God, another boat. Stop it.
~ They are exploring the everglades.
~ Can they not just go to a Pizza Hut or something and talk for three hours? You don’t always need to be an accident away from drowning.
~ They have come across a gator and Arie becomes the cameraman.
~ Tia is freaking out. “He’s looking at me weird.”
~ Can alligators look at you in a way that isn’t described as “weird”?
~ There is a house in the middle of the water.
~ I repeat, can they not go sit in a Pizza Hut instead of doing something where they’re one accident away from drowning?
~ An old man lets them into his home and feeds them fried food.
~ Tia teaches him about frogging.
~ Tia has butterflies.
~ We’re just going through the whole animal kingdom tonight.
~ For dinner, they’re at an old nautical antique place. This is a repeat of the first date of this episode.
~ Date 1: Boat -> car museum. Date 3: Boat -> boat museum.
~ Of course, that small round table is on this date. It’s forever the third wheel.
~ Tia has a doctorate degree.
~ Tia grew up in the church. Arie didn’t. But she says she could marry someone who “doesn’t have that faith”.
~ “I’m falling in love with you.”
~ This is the 5th episode. This is far too soon for those words, Tia.
~ ARIE IS SENDING HER HOME!
~ No, I’m just kidding. He gives her a rose.
~ Imagine he sent her home, though? Maybe in a few weeks.
~ There is no private concert for them, just a sign that says “Live Bait” which watches over them as they make out against a pole. You read all of that correctly.
~ Ashley is now giving commentary on Krystal’s behaviour. I have no idea who Ashley is.
~ Is Ashley like one of those narrators in TV shows that you don’t see? If so, her cover is blown.
~ Krystal claims she wasn’t hiding in her room. She was “investing in herself.”
~ That’s TV-speak for “I was hiding in my room.”
~ The girls are waiting for Arie, and Krystal goes into another monologue. She mentions the word “challenging” yet again.
~ Arie walks in and they all stand. Is he the Pope?
~ Memo to future contestants on this show: Don’t talk about the other people.
~ Kendall has 100 questions she wants to ask Arie. Oh, Kendall. She must not have heard that Lauren B. still has 16 more questions left in her game of 21 Questions.
~ Arie picks question #99 because that was his first racing number. Is he Wayne Gretzky?
~ “You’re visiting a tribe that’s tradition was to eat someone who had passed away. Would you try human meat?”
~ RED FLAG. RED FLAG. RED FLAG. RED FLAG.
~ Arie says, “No. I would only do it in a life or death situation.”
~ Kendall says she would do it out of curiosity.
~ BRIGHT RED FLAG. BRIGHT RED FLAG. ABORT MISSION. ABORT MISSION.
~ “I wouldn’t eat you.” – Kendall #Reassuring
~ Reminder: Kendall collects taxidermy.
~ Updated Questions Leaderboard: Lauren B. 5; Kendall 1; Becca 0.
~ The girls are talking about Krystal as she eavesdrop from outside.
~ “I wanna talk to you girls.” – Krystal
~ DOUBLE BRIGHT RED FLAGS. LOUD AIRHORN. GET OUT NOW.
~ Krystal would love to chat with them privately about her situation.
~ Lauren B. takes her up on her offer.
~ Lauren B. just made a Lauren F. decision.
~ That was a school joke. I’m keeping with the theme here. Get it? B is a good grade. F is a failing grade? KEEP UP, PEOPLE.
~ No good ever comes out of the one-on-one girl talks on this show. I give them 30 seconds before one of them is offended.
~ Start the clock.
~ Lauren says that Arie isn’t the person for Krystal right now, 27 seconds into the chat.
~ “Why are you judging me for me being hurt?” – Krystal
~ Tia joins the conversation!
~ Lauren B. says she’s not trying to attack Krystal, she’s trying to create awareness.
~ This just turned into a really bad school presentation about bullying, didn’t it?
~ Tia is there to be the silent bystander.
~ Nope! Tia speaks.
~ Bekah now goes to talk to Krystal.
~ Is this Krystal’s unofficial audition to be the Bachelorette? Why is every girl getting time with her when they don’t like her?
~ STOP THE MADNESS.
~ Bekah asks her why she’s still here and Krystal has no response.
~ Oh now we’re back to Arie talking to a girl I don’t recognize.
~ “You embrace life, but you’re unusual.”
~ Ah, it’s Jacqueline. They have amazing chemistry somehow, apparently.
~ Back to the Bekah and Krystal showdown. Krystal says she was hurt.
~ This is frustrating to listen to. Send them all home.
~ I need to replace my ears. #Ear-replaceable
~ I don’t even have a favourite anymore.
~ Kryrie A River are talking now. Someone, give me strength.
~ Krystal says she grew up in a bowling alley and is now making a connection to men coming into her mom’s life and betraying her trust.
~ I’ve stopped listening and am now staring off into the distance with no expression.
~ The day I decide to go on this show to find a wife will be the day I receive a direct deposit for $30 Billion in my bank account. That’s my asking price. I don’t think it’s unreasonable.
~ Krystal calls this their first fight. Arie calls this potentially their last fight.
~ OHHH BOOM. Nah, he doesn’t have the power to send her home tonight.
~ Chris Harrison enters the room and hits his wine glass with a knife and says “Hey everybody.”
~ That’s a really expensive “Hey everybody”.
~ It’s Rose Ceremony time and Ashley The Narrator is nervous.
~ Arie goes to talk to Chris.
~ “But you’ve had great times with her.” – Chris, about Krystal
~ CHRIS, great times don’t last, but The Bachelor is forever.
~ That’s a quote, right? If not, it is now. Tell your friends.
~ Finally, the Rose Ceremony is starting. Tia, Lauren B., and Chelsea each have a rose. Three are going home. If Krystal stays, she probably gets the last rose for dramatic effect.
~ 22-year-old Bekah gets a rose.
~ Seinne gets a rose.
~ Kendall gets a rose because she would eat people out of curiosity.
~ Becca, the girl who smelled like a bowling ball, gets a rose because Arie licked a bowling ball.
~ Jacqueline gets a rose.
~ Jenna gets a rose.
~ Four girls left, but one rose remains.
~ Krystal gets a rose because RATINGS.
~ Marikh, Maquel, and Ashley are going home.
~ Poor, Maquel. Came back for this nonsense.
~ Krystal says it took so much courage to come to the Rose Ceremony tonight. OH?
~ Next week they are going to Paris.
~ You better believe I’ll be showing off my french skills next week. Just in time for Bonhomme Carnaval too!
~ Man, do I have some Bonhomme Carnaval stories for you!
~ Oui, c’est vrai.
Thanks for reading!