A Letter To Jad

Dear Jad,

I’ve hit only seven letters on my keyboard and the computer already wants to autocorrect your name to “Had”. And they say technology is supposed to be smart. Ha! What do they know? Who is “they” anyway?

While I’m inadvertently talking about robots, don’t you find it weird that people keep saying robots are going to take over the world? I mean, we can stop that from happening. All we have to do is not make robots.

Sometimes I don’t think people realize that robots down just spawn in someone’s living room and then procreate. Let’s relax a little bit.

I’m down a rabbit hole now. Let’s leave Bugs and pals alone.

Ooo a carrot!

Alright, done.

You recently moved back to Australia after living in the United States for many years. Is there a culture shock? I’d imagine there is, but I’ve never done such a thing so I can’t know for sure.

I remember a picture you shared of about a dozen luggage bags that you were bringing with you. I don’t know why I found it so funny. Maybe I just pictured myself trying to walk through an airport with that many bags.

I’d request that the Mission Impossible theme play as soon as I enter the airport, for maximum hilarity.

Fun Fact: I’ve never actually seen Mission Impossible, but I like to reference movies to make myself seem “with it”. I would’ve said “edgy” but I think that buzzword died in 2008.

When I was in high school, the morning bell would ring and they’d play the Mission Impossible theme song over the PA system and by the time it ended, we all had to be in class. 

I don’t know if other schools had something like that, but it was a good way to know how much time was left before the bell rang. 

Do you miss high school? I don’t miss high school. I mean, nothing scarring happened to me and I had a solid group of friends, but upon leaving I didn’t feel like I had any more memories left to make.

Maybe there’s a life lesson in there about “moving on”. I don’t know. Words tell their own story, I just put them on paper.

You told me that you’re interested in casinos. 

Does anyone else find it weird that the word “no” is in the word? That right there is a sign that big winnings are not in our future. If it were called, “Casiyes”, then that would be a different story.

I’ve only been to a casino once in my life and stuck to the machines the whole time. I started with $50 and left with $0. 

I don’t know, Jad, but I’m starting to think that casinos are a scam. They prey on our optimism and hopes for an overflowing bathtub of cash (just me?), and turn us into horses chasing a carrot on a string.

It’s right there, but we never quite get it. If we do get it, we want more. More carrots, per favor.

What am I talking about again?

Oh right, horses.

Don’t ask me to draw animals, Jad. They all look the same. Four legs, a body, and a head. Maybe I should do a blog post where I share some of my drawings so everyone can see how bad they are.

Of course, I’d talk them up as the greatest pieces of art since the Mona Lisa, and hope that would soften the harsh comments I would surely get.

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care what people say to me in the comments section. They could tell me to go stub my toe on the side of my bed and I’d probably do it tell them I just did it earlier in the day.

Beds get in the way. Why are they here during non-sleeping hours? Shouldn’t they just disappear when we don’t need them? Maybe the floor could open up and the bed could hide underneath it.

Like a spare tire in the trunk of the car. That’s what beds need to do. But if I just had a bowl of pasta and meatballs and need a nap, then that bed better pop out of the floor by the time I get up the stairs.

I’m thinking there should be an app to control the bed.

I think I’m onto something here.

Am I rambling? No, I’m not.

Moving on.

You wanted me to tell you how much a peck is, when picking pickled peppers.

To determine how much a peck is, you’ll need a seagull. A goose will suffice, if you can’t catch a seagull.

Once you have your animal in tow, you’ll go off to pick some pickled peppers wherever one normally does such a thing. Perhaps the grocery store? Perhaps a field where dead bodies have been buried. Wherever, really.

Let your animal loose and they’ll peck at them with their beak and bring you as many as they want. What I’m getting at here is that a “peck” is varied depending on how ambitious your seagull or goose is.

On average, a seagull pecks at 4.2 pickled peppers, while a goose pecks at 5.1. The reason being? Seagulls spot humans off in the distance and go fly above them, just to scare the humans into thinking something will be dropped on their unsuspecting heads.

So, now you know.

And lastly, you asked me how many pennies are in my pocket right now. The answer is zero. I’m wearing pyjamas. 

Even if I wasn’t, pennies are no longer a thing in Canada. We started phasing them out in 2012 or 2013 and they’re no longer in circulation.

Now we just round our prices to the nearest 5 cents. I guess this is one way to make Grade 3 math mean something to us.

Well, I best be going. Where? Nowhere. But this is the end of the letter and if I don’t say “I best be going” then I wouldn’t be abiding by Rule 4.32 of the Letter Writing Code. Yeah, it’s a thing. Don’t even bother Googling it, you can trust me.

I wish you all the best in Australia. Say hello to some kangaroos for me. I hear they can’t turn around quickly – they have to hop in a circle in order to turn around. Use that to your advantage, somehow.

With empty pockets,


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9 Responses to A Letter To Jad

  1. Jad says:

    Dear Paul – My phone does not need to auto-correct Paul so its all good!!
    I fell over laughing…I was just able to pick myself up of the floor from laughing so hard after reading the Mission impossible theme and then ended right back down on the floor again so I read the rest of the letter laying on my back on my living room floor..But I rolled on my phone when I was rolfing and kept losing my place so I had to re-read some of the letter a few times, I also have an interesting bruise the exact same shape as my phone in the side of my ribs>
    Thanks for my letter
    Sincerely – I think all letters should end with sincerely

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Hahaha this makes me happy. I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’m sorry for the bruise, but I’m thinking it was worth it? My whole schtick is that I don’t end the letters with “Sincerely” LOL. But I’ll make an exception for comments.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Jad says:

    Reblogged this on Sensuality, Sex & Something else and commented:
    This is the first time I have ever “Reblogged” but this guy is GOLD!! I am not a fan of his sports posts, which he knows because y’all know I am batshit crazy honest and told him so but I tolerate his sports posts because the rest of the stuff he writes is just pure gold!!
    He had a little project of writing letters to fellow bloggers whom requested one and as I can be a little vain at times I decided that I absolutely needed to have a letter from The Captain (not MY Captain) another Captain!!
    Go check out his site 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ariel Lynn says:

    Jad is such a cool name, it rhymes with “rad.” There’s a reason for it. 😀

    I love this show, “Adam Ruins Everything.” It’s the perfect show for an annoying know-it-all like myself. 😉

    He did a segment on Casinos. It was fascinating! Your likening casinos turning users into “horses chasing a carrot on a string” isn’t far from the truth. In fact, it’s spot on, if you replace “carrot” with “heroin.”

    Casinos program the machines/slots to maximize the psychologically addictive effects. Now that a lot of them have transitioned to computers, they can make it more likely for players to land on “near misses,” making them think they’re so close to that big win! Add to that the bells, lights, & whistles, & users are often literally hooked.

    For more on this subject, there’s these quotations & links: http://www.trutv.com/shows/adam-ruins-everything/blog/adams-sources/adam-ruins-his-vacation.html

    You did the right thing when you went to the casino – set a limit & don’t spend more than it. Go you!

    Also, I’m pretty sure you described a motorized, app-controlled, reverse Murphy bed after the casino rant. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      That’s a great comment about casinos and all but WHAT? There’s already a fold-up bed on the market that can be controlled by an app? Is there nothing scared anymore? Why can’t I have one good idea that no one else has had. WHYYYYYYYY?

      Ok, I’m done.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        Oh, no, it isn’t on the market! I’m sorry it wasn’t clear. It’s just that the idea, the Murphy bed, already exists. You’ve tweaked it, so it could probably pass patent. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Ely says:

    awe I love me some Jad!!! Jad you’re awesome! Paul is the best random letter writer EVERRRRRRRRRRR!

    Liked by 1 person

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