1. Do you ever just pause for a moment and remind yourself that game show contestants in the 80s were so happy to learn that a brand new luggage set was the grand prize? Because I do.
2. Is there a difference between a lucky number and a favourite number?
3. The year is 2068. The world is run by people whose first words were, “Make sure you like, share, and subscribe.”
4. I have a theory that Waldo was lonely, which is why he made sure to wear a unique outfit, thus allowing us to always find him. Waldo just wanted to be found, guys.
5. I want a Mr. Bean reboot. There, I said it. Make it happen, universe.
6. What does the opposite of an ugly crier look like?
7. My blog friend Sooch, from India, recently told me that she reads my 50 Thoughts posts, as well as some of my other brilliant one-liners (my words, not hers), to her father when patients drive them nuts at the office (her words, not mine). Therefore, I’ve prepared a joke.
7.5 A bumblebee walks into a Doctor’s office and asks how long the wait will be until they can be examined. The Doctor replies: “Two hours, I’m a busy bee.”
7.75 Alternate punch lines for that joke include: “Please bee patient” and “Buzz off”.
8. I prefer soft bacon over crispy bacon.
9. BLEND! WHERE ARE YOU, BLEND?
9.5 I’m normal.
10. If it were up to me, I’d book the Black Eyed Peas to play every Super Bowl half-time show. It just feels like their “thing”, you know?
11. If all vehicles were designed like bumper cars, accidents wouldn’t cause so much damage. Think about it.
12. I think cheddar cheese is the best cheese.
13. What do you call it when you stare at an oreo? Stereo.
14. Boom shakalaka.
15. I’ve never understood why people ask others for an apology. That’s not how an apology works.
16. I’ve never been to a sporting event where there hasn’t been a guy who puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles really loudly.
17. “Batteries not included” is the worst sequence of three words that have ever been put together.
18. The first five times you say “Autumnal”, it trips over your tongue, but then you get used to it and sound like a normal blabbering fool who talks to themselves. Try it!
19. In five years we’ll probably find out that “Meme” is actually pronounced “Me-Me”.
21. Big Comfy Couch.
22. Do you ever see a toilet outside by the curb and think, “Man, if those walls could talk”?
23. The best bagels are the ones you can spin around your finger.
24. The first person who ever told someone to “Break a leg” definitely meant it, but a kid probably overheard it and their parent must’ve told them a white lie like, “Oh, that means good luck.” That’s my theory.
25. “I contemplate the day we wed, your friends are boring me to death, your veil is ruined in the rain” is such a great lyric. 10 points if you know what song it’s from.
26. Wait, is it called Black Mirror because we’re going to get to a point where we look in a mirror and don’t even see our reflection????
27. The conga line at my elementary school dances in the gym always got 100% participation.
28. Forget a stress ball, get me a piñata and fill it with bubble wrap.
29. Sure the Grinch stole Christmas, but he gave it back! No one ever gives him credit for that.
29.5 “Don’t be a Grinch!” You mean someone who saves Christmas? Okay.
30. I overanalyze words. Like how did “Rub-a-dub-dub” come about? What is a dub dub?
31. Happy Birthday! (I’m hoping this applies to someone)
32. If you do it right, blogging is a free education of the cultures around the world.
33. “The aliens are here and they look nothing like the ones in Space Jam” is a text alert we’re all going to get one day, right?
34. I need to go on a wrestling rant soon. It’s been festering.
35. Do you wear a watch, or do you say “I just look at my phone” every time someone points out there isn’t a watch on your wrist?
35.5 I’m a watch guy.
35.75 That made me sound like a stalker, instead of someone who wears a watch.
36. I always get so much flack whenever I do half thoughts on here. People tell me I’m giving them more than 50 thoughts, as if it’s a bad thing. You could all use a little more Paul in your lives if you ask me. Recognize.
37. If I start holding my toothbrush in my left hand to brush my teeth, will that help me develop the left side of my brain, or will I just get toothpaste on my face?
38. I refer to perogies as rogies. Doing so adds excitement to my life.
39. I had an English teacher in high school who allowed us to use our notes for every test. Every test was a crossword puzzle. He was subtly preparing us to take good notes in university/college. That’s how school should be.
40. It takes no guts at all to call yourself a friendly ghost.
41. Old Mother Hubbard got stuck in a cupboard, eating her curds and whey.
41.5 Did I say it right?
42. I keep having this vision in my mind that one day I’ll be in a banquet hall with 50 of my closest blog friends and we’ll all stare at each other and think, “They look nothing like their profile picture.”
42.5 I’m telling you, it’s happening one day. Reserve your seat now.
43. I’m thinking of updating some things on my blog, including my profile picture. Should I?
44. Tic-Tac-Toe is an unfair game. Whoever goes second only has 4 moves to work with and 3 of them have to be in a row. Come on now.
45. Sometimes I think I could be a teacher and other times I think I’d just spend the whole day asking the kids if they know what different items from the 90s are. I’d make them stay in for recess so I could explain the ethics behind rewinding a VHS tape to the beginning after you’re done with it.
46. I never got into comic books. It was never clear to me which dialogue I was supposed to read first.
47. Nacho cheese can be all yours. I find it disgusting.
48. The only way chili won’t look like vomit is if I close my eyes. No thanks.
49. Which school supply is most important? The RULER.
50. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday/Friday, Saturday, Saturday to Sunday/Get, get, get, get, get with us, you know what we say, say/Party every day, p-p-p-party every day/And I’m feelin’, woohoo…..
50.5 Yeah, you’re welcome.