Open the door, it’s episode four.
~ Bekah is out swimming in the pool while the girls in the house talk about how young she is. And yet she’s old enough to swim by herself. Hmm.
~ Bekah and Arie are 14 years apart.
~ In walks Chris Harrison and you guessed it, his sleeves are rolled up!
~ The girls look like they just woke up.
~ Christopher tells them they’re moving out of the mansion and going to South Lake Tahoe and they all scream as if it’s the best place in the world.
~ Arie is glad the dates this week will be outdoors. Aren’t they all outdoors?
~ Arie likes hiking. The guy who “drives fast cars for a living” likes to hike. Why don’t I believe this?
~ They’ve moved into a lodge, it looks like.
~ Kendall loves it because there’s a lot of taxidermy.
~ The first date card arrives and it’s for Seinne.
~ Seinne is 9 years younger than Arie but no one says anything because Bekah is 14 years younger.
~ Arie walks into the room: “Welcome to Tahoe everyone.” YOU DON’T LIVE THERE. YOU’RE JUST A VISITOR.
~ “Never been to Tahoe.” – Arie.
~ Point proven.
~ The girls who aren’t on the date are worried that Seinne might not come back. Why? Why are you worried!?
~ Arie and Seinne hop on a boat. It isn’t The Bachelor unless they cram the “contestants” and a production crew on a small boat.
~ Back at the Lodge, the women are spying on the boat with binoculars.
~ This is so staged.
~ “They’re parasailing.”
~ “I’ve never been parasailing. I’ve never been to Tahoe.” – Seinne.
~ If ONE more person says they’ve never been to Tahoe, I might have to go to Tahoe and say it myself.
~ They have landed and are sitting on dirt (there’s a blanket), and sipping champagne.
~ The camera angle from behind them gives everyone a view of the waistband to Arie’s underwear. Is this for advertising purposes?
~ I’ve officially designated Seinne as the person this season who is too good for this show.
~ Back at the Lodge, Maquel is on the phone with her mom and is told her grandpa passed away.
~ Maquel is packing her things and going home. Though it sounds like she could return.
~ The next date card arrives and it’s a group date with everyone except Bekah.
~ Krystal brings up the fact that Bekah is 14 years younger than Arie. Not to her face, of course.
~ Arie and Seinne are at dinner. Last time, Arie ate his food and sent Lauren home. Let’s see if he eats anything tonight.
~ Seinne asks him why he hasn’t been in love in five years.
~ Seinne then tells him that when she was 14, she told herself she wouldn’t love anyone.
~ Where is this going?
~ Arie uses the word “like” almost as much as a 16-year-old girl.
~ Arie is giving her the rose and says it could be the start of their love story.
~ The start? Arie, this is episode 4. Come on now. You don’t have time to start now.
~ Oh look, a private concert just for them.
~ Nope. There’s a crowd of people.
~ A band called Lanco is playing.
~ Even if the date was horrible, there’s no chance he could’ve sent her home. All these people were waiting for them. You can’t just send them home without allowing them to experience a concert through their cellphone camera.
~ Group date time.
~ I spy with my two eyes…12 girls in matching fur boots, yoga pants, scarves, and jackets. How will he ever tell them apart!?
~ Oh wait, one girl is wearing jeans. Phew.
~ “Everyone looks amazing.” – Arie
~ What he meant to say was, “Everyone looks the same.”
~ I’m not knocking them. Dress for the weather. I’m just missing some individuality.
~ They’re going on a hike!
~ “A lot of ladies to keep track of.”
~ Hahaha oh Arie, you’re not supposed to say that out loud. You’re supposed to make them feel like they’re the only girl there. Didn’t you read the handbook?
~ Two random strangers appear in the woods!
~ A retired member of the Army and his wife are going to show them around the woods.
~ Marikh (9 years younger than Arie) thinks this is the day they’re going to die.
~ The first challenge is to pee in a bottle. What?
~ They each have a bottle.
~ Oh! Now they’re each going to drink their urine!
~ Marikh was right. They are going to die today. And so are the viewers.
~ Arie drinks his urine. Nope. It was apple juice. Obviously.
~ Jenna almost drank her urine before he let them in on the joke.
~ Ohhhhh mannnnn that is one lawsuit dodged.
~ This is the dumbest thing this show has ever done.
~ Snack time! Everyone gets a worm.
~ I can’t wait until he kisses all of them later with worm breath.
~ This is dumb. They are probably a two minute drive away from a Subway. Go get a sandwich.
~ Arie pulls Kendall aside to explore her mouth. So this is why he likes “hiking”.
~ I’ll be honest, Arie looks like a school teacher on a field trip with his class. The age gap is apparent for all of them.
~ They’ve divided into three teams now to find a treasure. All but 4 girls get to hang out with Arie.
~ They have to help themselves over their own rocks and tree stumps.
~ The 8 girls not with Arie have all gotten lost in the woods. Marikh is fixing her hair.
~ Arie and his quartet are in a hot tub. But it’s snowing. But it’s The Bachelor, so it’s considered romantic instead of utterly ridiculous.
~ If this is really the best way to find your wife, with 12 women in a hot tub, then what are the rest of us doing? Oh right, being normal.
~ “I FEEL LIKE I’M IN HIGH SCHOOL” – KRYSTAL
~ I just said the same thing a few bullet points ago.
~ Day has turned to night and Arie talks to Lauren B. (11 years younger than Arie) first.
~ They go outside and cuddle by the fire.
~ “Last time we talked…” – A Top 10 Bachelor cliché
~ Imagine dating someone and starting your conversations with, “Well, last time we talked…”
~ “…and your breath smells like bugs now.” – Kendall (10 years younger than Arie)
~ Man, I am too good at predicting this show.
~ Arie wants her to bring her little duckling to the Rose Ceremony. It’s a taxidermy thing. I don’t know the proper wording and don’t care.
~ Kendall and Arie are now shoving their mouths down each other’s throat.
~ Krystal speaks up and says she felt challenged being on such a large group date. She wants sympathy because this was nothing like her one-on-one date.
~ Why does Krystal feel the need to summarize every situation? That is my job. Stop it.
~ Krystal also says the word “like” a lot, but is calling the other girls juvenile.
~ The other girls find Krystal to be condescending, and find her voice to be easily mockable.
~ Arie reassures Krystal by telling her she’s beautiful. She cries anyway.
~ I’m fast forwarding a bit. I can’t do this.
~ My head. It hurts.
~ Krystal pulls Tia and Caroline aside to tell them she doesn’t appreciate them hurting her feelings.
~ Why do women do this? They pull each other aside to “talk like adults” and “get to the bottom of things” but then they are insulted when others are honest with them.
~ Tia talks to Arie now and starts crying because she knows he feels a connection with other people.
~ DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR?
~ There’s a formula to this show if you’re a contestant. Here it is: Tell the lead person that you’re feeling scared and insecure. Let them comfort you by rubbing your shoulder. Kiss them. Then tell the camera you feel really good about the chat, while triumphant music plays in the background.
~ Oh look, Tia gets the rose. I guess the formula works. Shocker.
~ It’s time for the “I was starting high school when you were born” date. Are you guys ready?
~ But first, back to Krystal!? She’s saying how she felt really challenged yesterday. UGH.
~ Arie is dressed in a grey sweater with a half turtleneck underneath and Bekah runs to him and jumps in his arms, as if he’s picking her up from school.
~ They’re going to explore Tahoe on horseback. Other kids take the school bus home.
~ “She challenges me.” – Arie
~ Alright, we’re going to have to start drinking every time someone says “Challenges” or any variation of the word.
~ “She seems super mature.” – Arie
~ They are now in a variation of a hot tub. The dates on this show always include cold weather and hot water. Or cold weather and a warm fire.
~ WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO INSIDE?
~ We’re about five minutes away from Bekah Boop revealing her age.
~ They are at dinner, sitting at the same mini round table that is on every date.
~ I wonder if that table is in the credits.
~ Arie is asking her if she’s ready for marriage.
~ She says she’s never been “there” before.
~ “In life, are you ready for that step, you know what I mean?” – Arie
~ Arie – asking a question without asking a question.
~ Arie is asking her if she still likes to go out a lot because he doesn’t….even though he said earlier that he likes to hike, but the results are in, and it turns out, that was a LIE.
~ Bekah gets up super early on Saturdays to go climbing.
~ “I’m 22.”
~ Arie covers his mouth and says “Oh my God.”
~ “22. You’re sooo young.” – Arie
~ As a former 22-year-old, I can tell you right now that 22-year-olds know absolutely nothing. No offence.
~ He probably won’t send her home tonight because he doesn’t want it to look like the age is a factor, so he’ll wait until the next episode and then send her home.
~ Arie is telling her she needs to live more life.
~ “I’m not here for a 22-year-old girlfriend, I’m here for a wife.”
~ He’s giving her a rose anyway. This won’t last, but it’ll last for now.
~ Arie plans to “proceed with caution.”
~ Becca (9 years younger than Arie) says no one feels confident heading into the Rose Ceremony.
~ Krystal (7 years younger than Arie) does too many speeches in front of everyone.
~ Chris Harrison enters the room and says there is no cocktail party
because they’ve had enough to drink already in the last week.
~ They always make this “no cocktail party tonight” announcement seem so dramatic every season. Another 15 minute conversation with someone isn’t going to change Arie’s mind.
~ Production didn’t need more footage for this episode. Simple as that.
~ Tia, Seinne, and Bekah already have roses.
~ Krystal interrupts him before the ceremony starts, of course.
~ She is now worry-whispering to him.
~ A worry-whisper is when you whisper your worries to someone.
~ “I’m not here to play games, I’m here for you.” – Krystal
~ Watch, Krystal will be the last person to receive a rose just to build the drama.
~ Lauren B. gets a rose. I think she’s the last of the Four Laurens of The Bachpocalypse.
~ Kendall gets a rose. Her taxidermy duckling is nowhere in sight. Now we know the real reason why the cocktail party was cancelled.
~ Ashley gets a rose. I don’t know who she is or where she came from.
~ Becca gets a rose.
~ Chelsea gets a rose. Remember when she was the one everyone hated?
~ Jenna gets a rose.
~ Jacqueline gets a rose. Ah, so that’s her name. I can’t keep track.
~ Marikh gets a rose.
~ One rose left. Oh no, he’s sending Brittany home isn’t he. She was in my Top 5 after the first episode but hasn’t been featured much since getting injured at the demolition derby in episode 2.
~ Krystal gets the final rose because they wanted to build up the drama like I told you.
~ Caroline and Brittany are going home.
~ “The stakes are high, the pressure’s on.” – Krystal, talking like someone who isn’t treating this like a game. Ok.
~ This episode ends with a scene of Marikh calling out Chelsea for glam shaming her.
~ Is that a thing? Glam shaming?
I’m done. I hope you guys appreciate this.