I was going to start this post by taking attendance, but I seem to have misplaced my attendance list. I’ll just assume you’re all here and no one is playing hooky this week.
~ “I’m emotionally and physically drained.” Episode 3 is off to a roaring start.
~ The girls are sitting on the couches and in walks Chris T. Harrison.
~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Update: Rolled Up!
~ He tells them there are 18 girls, which is too many, so not all of them will have a date this week.
~ Yes! We get the wrestling date up first!
~ Let’s jump in The Captain’s Speech time machine and go back to my viewing notes for Episode 1 when I said they were planting seeds for a wrestling match between Chelsea and Krystal for Episode 3. Am I smart or am I smart?
~ Except Chelsea isn’t on this date. But Bibiana is and she has beef with Krystal. So, ding ding, get in the ring.
~ C.T. Harrison is on the date with them doing commentary again. That’s two episodes in a row. This is officially a trend.
~ “Welcome to GLOB. The Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor Wrestling.”
~ This is a rip-off of GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) on Netflix but I’ll allow it.
~ Oh hey, there are two ladies from the original GLOW (it used to be a real promotion) on this date.
~ Well aren’t I just 17 steps ahead at all times.
~ The girls are practising their rolls.
~ Arie has watched one “wrestling fight.” Oh this is just great.
~ Lauren B. is struggling because she’s laughing every time she gets kicked.
~ Bibiana is challenging the women from GLOW.
~ “Did your mom know how to spell when she gave you that name.” – One of the GLOW girls to Bibiana.
~ Am I allowed to laugh?
~ These girls are getting offended really easily by wrestlers who aren’t breaking character. I love it.
~ Tia and Bibiana are off crying in the corner because they don’t understand wrestling is theatre.
~ Tia and Bibiana are officially a tag team, in my books.
~ Their team will be called TBD. Tia B Determined.
~ Oh, NOW they’re giving them all a wrestling persona.
~ Maybe I’m 18 steps ahead of them.
~ They’re all changing into Halloween costumes now.
~ Bekah is a cat.
~ Bibiana is bridezilla.
~ Krystal is a cougar.
~ OH NO.
~ Arie’s first opponent is the Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King who was on The Bachelorette last season.
~ Listen, I’ve been watching Ring of Honor, Kenny King needs to work on his promos.
~ Tia is terrified that Arie is getting hurt. She still doesn’t realize that the whole point of wrestling is to not actually hurt your opponent.
~ Bekah vs. Maquel, who is dressed as a lunch lady, is the opener.
~ Bekah is whipping her, but Maquel pins her with a lunch tray.
~ That’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.
~ Krystal vs. Jacqueline is next. Jacqueline can really bump (fall) in the ring.
~ Marikh vs. Lauren B. is next. Their match was a throwback to the attitude era. I’ll leave it at that.
~ Tia vs. Bibiana is next. What? They’re supposed to be a tag team! For the love of Edge and Christian (bonus points if you got this reference), have they already turned on each other? Tia wins by pushing Bibiana over.
~ Bibiana is a jobber.
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and Arie says the wrestling part of their date made him uncomfortable.
~ Krystal and Bibiana didn’t fight. They must be saving that match for Episode 5.
~ Krystal steals Arie away and they start kissing.
~ And that’s it.
~ I don’t think I’m as high on Krystal as I was in the first episode. It’s not a good sign when you’re the person who everyone else in the house doesn’t like.
~ Bibiana has time with Arie and she starts talking about Krystal. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? You have like 10 minutes. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
~ Arie tells Tia she was an outstanding wrestler today. “You won”.
~ OH MY GOD, THE WINNER OF HER MATCH WAS PREDETERMINED, ARIE. PAY ATTENTION.
~ There’s the real world. There’s the wrestling world. And then there’s The Bachelor world. They aren’t somewhere in between. They’re somewhere off in the distance like a water fountain in the desert.
~ Back at the mansion, the next date card arrives. Lauren S. is getting a one-on-one date.
~ Twitter tells me that Bekah is 22 years old. Arie is 36. I’m not judging, I’m just saying.
~ Bekah Boop gets the group date rose and Krystal doesn’t know why.
~ Lauren S. has packed her suitcase to go on her date today.
~ She gets a limo ride to an airport and is now hopping on a plane.
~ If this plane doesn’t have a salami and cheese spread like the plane in the last episode did, I’m going to be disgruntled.
~ There is a bucket of champagne on the plane. Consider me disgruntled.
~ They arrive at a winery. “This is a very Lauren S. date.”
~ Wait, Lauren S. refers to herself as “Lauren S.”? This is gimmick infringement! Blogger Chris aka my best friend (and his family) always refer to me by my full name.
~ Arie and Lauren S. are talking about their sleep patterns. Arie has started going to sleep earlier in the last 5 years.
~ This is riveting date conversation. Tell me how often you cut your toenails, why don’t you?
~ Oh, Arie has also started to wear Cardigans. Good to know.
~ Lauren S. claims to have forgotten how to get lost in the moment.
~ Normally when I want to get lost in the moment, I close my eyes and spin in a circle until I’m feeling dizzy and lost.
~ But I’m weird, so that might not work for everyone.
~ They’re at dinner now and drinking their 8th (give or take) glass of wine today.
~ “There’s power in problems.” – Lauren S.
~ “I’m, like, kinda freaking out.” – Lauren S.
~ Arie is eating his food! What!?!?! They never eat on this show! This is a red flag. It probably means Lauren S. is talking too much and he stopped paying attention.
~ That’s unfortunate. He probably sends her home at the end of the date. That’s why they showed us she was packing earlier.
~ Lauren S. is all over the place and she knows it, but won’t stop. I think she’s lost in the moment.
~ Back at the mansion is the final group date card.
~ The card says, “Love is ruff.” Bring on the dogs!
~ Annaliese is afraid of dogs. She had a traumatic experience in her childhood.
~ Wait a minute…Annaliese is the same girl who, last week, said she had a traumatic experience with bumper cars as a child.
~ Oh no. She told the producers wayyyyyy too much during casting.
~ I want her to make it to the hometown dates now. I want to see what her upbringing was like.
~ Lauren S. is wondering why the date has been a train wreck so far. My guess is it’s the cameras, and she feels the need to try and say something interesting every 2 seconds as to not come across as boring.
~ Arie isn’t giving her the rose. Told you. It’s all in the editing.
~ When one person dares to start eating their food on this show, that’s how you know they’re not interested.
~ Lauren S. doesn’t know why she couldn’t be herself around him. Don’t worry, Lauren S., it’s for the best.
~ At the mansion, they took her luggage away and the girls start sobbing.
~ Krystal eulogizes Lauren’s time in the house.
~ Caroline is annoyed by Krystal’s condescending manner. Oh snap, crackle, and pop.
~ Rice Krysties? That’s a bit of a stretch for a nickname.
~ Look out for the quiet ones.
~ Time for the third date of the night and they are in a park.
~ Arie has brought a bunch of dogs for the girls to work with before performing in front of an audience.
~ Oh no. A group project where one partner is a dog? Hahahahaha. Good luck exchanging texts.
~ Hey…hey…hey “the dog ate my homework.”
~ Sorry, couldn’t help myself. The situation called for it.
~ Annaliese tells a dog horror story from her past and for the second week in a row we’re shown more fake stock footage of a girl crying near a dog.
~ Apparently she was bit by a dog named Sunshine and she almost lost an eye.
~ Back at the mansion, my new favourite tag team TBD – Tia B Determined – want Jesus to take the wheel and are praying that one of the girls gets bit by a puppy. Amen?
~ No barkin’ way. Chris is there AGAIN to provide commentary. He definitely had it written into his contract that he wanted to be on more dates this season.
~ Chelsea is up first. Her dogs won’t listen to her and a little girl is crying.
~ I repeat: Her dogs won’t listen to her and a little girl is crying.
~ That is the best sentence I’ve ever written in my life.
~ Chelsea has backed off her villain gimmick she had going in the first episode.
~ Ashley and Jenna lose control of their acts.
~ Annaliese’s skit is about her being a pooper scooper.
~ Well, that was awful. The dogs didn’t listen. Probably because they didn’t have enough time to prepare. Or they never replied to their texts and emails.
~ Day has turned to night and Arie tells one girl (not sure her name) that in the last few years he’s dated people he knew weren’t ready for marriage as a defence mechanism.
~ Annaliese doesn’t like being on the sidelines. She doesn’t like dogs or bumper cars either FWIW.
~ She asks Arie how he’s been and he tells her some relationships are moving faster than others.
~ Translation: “I’m dating you, but let me tell you how I’m doing with the 17 other girls I’m dating.”
~ Chelsea interrupts them.
~ Becca calls Arie a dork. Arie says she looks really good in yoga pants.
~ And now they’re kissing. I’ll time it.
~ It lasted 24 seconds before the cameras cut away.
~ He gives the group date rose to Chelsea because she “really stood out”.
~ Arie needs to stop giving explanations for why he’s giving out roses on the group date.
~ Just shut up your mouth. As if your other girlfriends don’t feel bad enough.
~ It’s time for the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony.
~ For the second time in this episode, Annaliese tells us her palms are sweaty. There is no vomit on her sweater, yet. She is not fully channeling Eminem.
~ Arie meets with Seinne first since she didn’t get a date.
~ Bibiana has set up a bed outside with a telescope.
~ She wanted to create something with a cabana theme that’s very private.
~ YOU’RE ON A TV SHOW. THIS AIN’T PRIVATE.
~ Hahahaha Arie walks outside with Lauren B. and they come across Bibiana’s set up.
~ They’re sitting on the bed. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE BIBIANA’S PRIVATE SPOT.
~ Hey man, Bibiana didn’t put up caution tape. There are no pylons. Didn’t even put up a scarecrow to keep others away. Nothing. Her own fault.
~ The tea kettle is about to hit the fan and I can’t wait.
~ Bibiana walks in on Arie and Lauren B. kissing IN HER “CABANA”.
~ Ok, if this little setup is a cabana, my bedroom is a yacht.
~ “The struggle is real.” – Bibiana
~ I’m laughing so hard.
~ “The devil is working OT, man.” -Bibiana
~ Oh, she’s a hoot.
~ Now Arie also takes Krystal and Bekah to her bed outside. This is hilarious.
~ Arie asks Bekah if she wants to get married.
~ Arie got moonshine and hay bales for Tia. That’s love right there.
~ This tag team of Tia and Bibiana (Tia B Determined) has quickly become my favourite duo.
~ Annaliese wants a kiss so badly tonight that she’s dragged him all the way to the top balcony of the house.
~ If this goes sour, look out below? Is that what I’m supposed to believe?
~ “I really wanted you to kiss me, but I heard the girls had to go in for the kiss first.”
~ Translation: “Your 17 other girlfriends told me their tales about kissing you. We’re on a balcony. Your move.”
~ “I just don’t think we’re there yet.” -Arie, turning down a kiss
~ It’s going down, someone is yelling timber.
~ Someone else is yelling “tinder”. Odd.
~ Annaliese is now crying in a washroom.
~ This situation is tough. You’re thrown into it and told you’re dating someone by default. But oh wait, there’s more! As in, there are 25+ other women also dating the same stranger you just met outside a mansion that they don’t own. But it’s fine. It’s not! Saliva gets shared. Stories get shared. Feelings get shared. Except when you’re on the sidelines. And when you’re on the sidelines, you end up crying in a washroom, unfortunately.
~ I don’t know if the people who go on this show realize that they don’t have to like the lead person. They all try and force a relationship, both the men and women. In reality, what are the odds that 30 people like the same person at the same time?
~ Arie now tells Annaliese there’s no future for them.
~ “When he sends someone home, it’s kinda shocking.”
~ Is it?
~ We’re on the 3rd episode and I’m not convinced these girls realize that only one of them “wins” in the end.
~ Rose Ceremony time, thank goodness.
~ Caroline gets a rose.
~ Kendall gets a rose.
~ Lauren B. has gotten a lot of air time this episode. She can’t go home yet.
~ Ashley gets a rose.
~ Lauren B. gets a rose. Told you in episode one, there’s something there.
~ Brittney T. gets a rose. She was quiet this episode.
~ Becca gets a rose.
~ Seinne gets a rose. Could you imagine he sent her home after not giving her a date this week? Twitter would’ve killed him.
~ Krystal gets a rose.
~ I’m getting nervous for my tag team of TBD.
~ And Tia gets a rose. Yeehaw!
~ Maquel gets a rose.
~ Jenna gets a rose.
~ Jacqueline gets a rose.
~ One rose left. I’m not ready for this tag team to split up.
~ It’s down to Marikh and Bibiana for the last rose.
~ Marikh gets the rose and the dream is over for Bibiana.
~ Oh man, this is like the time when American Alpha split and Jason Jordan had to go to RAW and he left Chad Gable on SmackDown.
~ Did anyone understand that?
~ Tia B Determined is no more. Now it’s just TD. Tia Determined.
~ See how that team name worked? I covered my bases. If Tia left first it would’ve turned into B Determined.
~ Again, I’m 33 steps ahead of this show.
~ “You can’t force something that’s not there.” -Bibiana
~ Get it? Because Bibiana and Tia were praying earlier?
~ In the previews, Bekah asks Arie if he knows how old she is. Uh-oh here we go.
~ Hey! I said earlier, out of nowhere, that Bekah was 22.
~ I am now 47 steps ahead of this show.
~ And counting.
I’m done. See you next week. I might take attendance. Leave a comment below if you want to be included in next week’s roll call.
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