Welcome back. I’m exhausted, so these notes will definitely be loopier than usual. Unless it’s a boring episode. Enjoy.
~ Arie is driving up to the mansion on a motorcycle. At this rate, he’ll be on a tricycle by Episode 5. They’ll have exhausted (that’s a double pun) all other methods of transportation.
~ Hey! It’s Chris Harrison and his sleeves are rolled up! This is a trend. His shirt also looks two sizes too big for him, as if it’s the year 2003.
~ Chelsea can’t wait to tell Arie why she’s so mysterious. Is she related to Inspector Gadget?
~ Becca gets the first one on one date.
~ Arie enters the house like a teenage pop singer, “What’s going on?!?!”
~ About twenty girls rush outside to watch Arie put a jacket and helmet on Becca. This is not normal. This is The Bachelor.
~ Arie has brought her to a house with a lobster spread. Yes, it’s a lobster spread. Don’t ask questions.
~ Designer Rachel Zoe is there! I don’t know who she is! Oh my God, is this a two on one date already?
~ It’s not.
~ Oh, Becca is going to try on a bunch of dresses and walk down a staircase in them while Arie sits on a couch and eats.
~ So when are they going to ask each other about their interests?
~ Not now! Arie just gave her high heels.
~ “When I met you, I thought this would be cool…to spoil you.” – Arie, the guy who paid for none of this
~ An ominous man with a briefcase has emerged from the bushes and is now ambushing them. Where’s security? Oh wait, he has earrings. It’s fine. Call off the drones. What the hell am I watching?
~ Oh, they’re kissing now. Must be The Bachelor.
~ Wait, it’s over? They did nothing.
~ Becca arrives back at the mansion with eleventy seven bags of clothes. The girls aren’t jealous. They’re hahahahahahahappy for her. Sorry, couldn’t get through that with a straight face.
~ What’s this? Becca is joining him for dinner? Oh, I get it. They wanted her to go home during the day so the girls could see all of her bags. If she snuck in the house at night, no one would’ve made a big deal about it.
~ “I was told you could fix my brakes.” – Becca
~ The next date card arrives and it is for Krystal.
~ Arie is going to date them one at a time, it seems. This season just got extended until 2019 because it’ll take that long to get through everyone.
~ Back on the date, Arie’s forehead is really shiny. I’m trying to catch the moment when it miraculous isn’t, which will tell me the Director yelled “cut” and the makeup artist went in there and dabbed it down.
~ Becca gets a rose.
~ Arie has one more surprise and it’s confetti? That’s not a surprise. A surprise would be a chariot ride through a McDonald’s drive thru.
~ It’s time for Krystal’s date and he’s taking her to his hometown in Scottsdale, Arizona.
~ Woah, hold the lampshade…on the plane is a spread of food that includes: cheese, SALAMI, strawberries, grapes(?), and circular biscuits that are good for nothing.
~ I’ll bet you $10 they feed grapes to each other, unless they don’t, then the bet is off.
~ THEY DIDN’T SHOW THEM EATING THE FOOD. I should’ve known. No one ever eats on this show.
~ Arie shows her the Pizza Hut he worked at when he was 16.
~ Now he shows her the high school he went to. Okay. He hasn’t been in high school in 20 years. Relax.
~ He’s taking her to his house now. This is too much.
~ They’re going through old photo albums, somebody stop this!!
~ After the commercial break, these two will be getting married.
~ Now they’re going through old home videos. Maybe they’ll get married before the next commercial.
~ Arie has now brought her to his parents house. And it’s not so they can trick or treat. Oh man.
~ “Heyyyy this is Krystal. We met yesterday. We’re getting married in five minutes. Wanna come?”
~ I joke a lot, but I like Krystal. She’s different than the rest.
~ “I just want to be like my older brother.” – The little brother who was paid to say that
~ And that’s the end of the first hometown date of the season. The next one will be in about two months.
~ Krystal isn’t close with her family, but Arie is close with his. #PlantingSeeds
~ Back at the mansion, the next date card arrives.
~ It’s a group date with 15 women. Ahahahahahaha.
~ So Becca and Krystal are 1 and 1A and everyone else is just there because you can’t have a TV show about a guy dating only two women for three months. That’s too creepy.
~ “I wanna know about your family life.” – Arie
~ Krystal’s parents divorced when she was young. She felt like her parents didn’t want her. She basically raised her little brother.
~ Emotional stuff going on right now.
~ Krystal gets a rose.
~ And for the first time this season, there is a private concert just for them.
~ The next day, the girls are trying to get details from Krystal about what happened on their date. They want to know, so they can be supportive and not jealous at all!
~ Krystal is being vague, as she should be.
~ On the group date, 15 girls are in a bus being transported to a dirt track. They each need a buddy; there will be a group of 3. If they split up at any time, they are to alert the teacher.
~ Brittany T. is “going hard in the paint” today. Alright.
~ “Today we are doing demolition derby. If your car stops running, you’re out.”
~ Someone is getting whiplash, I’m calling it now.
~ Tia from Weiner, Arkansas informs us that people back home do this. Annnnd we have an early favourite.
~ Bekah looks like Betty Boop. Thanks to Sharon for pointing that out to me, I can’t think of anything else when she’s on the TV.
~ Annaliese is bawling her eyes out. She’s terrified.
~ Annaliese has trauma from driving bumper cars as a kid and now we have some fake stock footage of children in bumper cars.
~ Jenny laughs at her trauma.
~ Arie now gives Annaliese the classic camp counsellor pep talk. “You don’t have to do it, but it’ll be fine. I’ll do it with you.”
~ Oh, by the way, this is exactly why Annaliese was put on this date by the producers. They definitely knew.
~ What in the world? Chris Harrison is there as a commentator! Because we needed a commentator?
~ Does Chris get paid extra for this appearance?
~ Chris just said this might be the first time Arie wins something on a race track. OHHHHH that’s a 5th degree BURN. I see you, Chris. Good one.
~ Bekah Boop: “Women are ruthless.”
~ I just looked up Arie’s racing career. He hasn’t raced since 2010. He was never any good. Actually, he was good in 2002. So 16 years ago, Arie was a big shot race car driver in a not really competitive racing series.
~ So he’s basically as successful as the Bachelor Canada guy was last season, when he said he was a former pro baseball player.
~ Spoiler alert: The Bachelor Canada guy didn’t pick anyone in the end. It was great.
~ 15 women are about to drive their cars at each other. Oh man.
~ Annaliese was playing possum. She’s crushing everyone.
~ Brittany T. is mowing them down.
~ Chris Harrison is actually a delight on commentary. Who knew? Man, the things he can do without a script.
~ It’s down to Seinne and Tia.
~ Seinne wins and Tia lets down all of Arkansas.
~ Because Seinne rammed her car into the other cars better than the 14 other women, she gets to spend time with Arie.
~ If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
~ In the evening part of the date, Chelsea swoops in and talks to him first.
~ Finally we get to learn why she’s mysterious!
~ She has a 3-year-old son, Sammy. That was the mysterious secret?
~ Nothing against Sammy, but I wanted something else.
~ Wait, in the first episode they showed her making a peanut butter sandwich. Sammy eats those at age three?
~ Also, aren’t peanut butter sandwiches basically banned from all school settings?
~ Seinne: “I lived in Scottsdale.” Arie: “Youuu diiid?”
~ Seinne went to Yale and Arie barely graduated high school before working at Pizza Hut. Oh man, this isn’t going to happen.
~ Bibiana is mad that she isn’t getting any time and storms off to the washroom.
~ Arie and Bekah are kissing by the fire for about 10 minutes.
~ Arie is now handing out the group date rose and says Chelsea really opened up to him, BUT THEN HE SWITCHES COURSE AND GIVES IT TO SEINNE.
~ Are we sure Arie never went to college? That was a brilliant swerve.
~ Four girls didn’t get a date this week. Could they not have put 19 girls on the group date, instead of 15? I mean, once they got passed 10, it didn’t matter anymore.
~ “Hopefully you’re recovering from whiplash.” I KNEW IT.
~ Arie checks in on Brittany because she got hurt at the demolition derby. Oh did she? Thanks for showing us, editors.
~ She gets the award for “Most Hardcore”. I guess she did go hard in the paint.
~ Arie just stood up and banged his head into a chandelier. Ahahahahahahaha I do that all the time.
~ Arie has now snuck Bekah to the front of the house to kiss her again.
~ Bibiana is still feeling anxious.
~ Krystal is now fulfilling the role of “girl who has a rose, but still wants time to talk to Arie.”
~ Krystal interrupts Lauren B. and Arie. Again, we only get 5 seconds of Lauren B. on the TV with Arie. #Rhymes
~ Bibiana is mad now. She wants her time and she wants it now!
~ From experience watching this show, the people who always complain that they never get any time, are the ones the Bachelor/Bachelorette aren’t interested in anyway.
~ And now the girls are passive aggressively asking Krystal if she’s had time with Arie. Ohhhh the fake smiles.
~ Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, Bibiana has made contact with Arie!
~ “I do not know a single thing about this man.” -Bibiana
~ First question she asks is what breed of dog he has. BIBIANA WHYYYY
~ Krystal now tries to interrupt them. I wonder what producer told her to go do that.
~ To summarize: Bibiana is mad that a girl that Arie likes is taking away time from people like her, who don’t have a rose, because The Bachelor is a team sport and the girls are in this together! How dare Krystal try to keep Arie away from other women, who he may end up liking more than her! Share the love! There can only be 8 winners! Oh wait, there can only be one. Never mind.
~ Bibiana just told Krystal to meditate tomorrow.
~ If Bibiana goes home tonight, she also advises that Krystal sleep with one eye open.
~ These people are nuts. If you don’t like sharing one guy with 20 other women, WHY ARE YOU THERE??? WHY DID YOU GO THROUGH THE CASTING PROCESS??? YOU COULD’VE BEEN PLAYING HOP SCOTCH OR DOING PUZZLES. PUZZLES!!!! THEY CAN’T DO THEMSELVES.
~ Time to hand out roses.
~ Maquel gets a rose.
~ Jacqueline gets a rose.
~ Bekah gets a rose, what a shock.
~ Jenna gets a rose.
~ Mysterious Chelsea gets a rose.
~ Lauren S. gets a rose. I know nothing about her.
~ Tia from Weiner gets a rose.
~ Bumper car hater, Annaliese, gets a rose.
~ Honestly, the bumper cars were my favourite thing at an amusement park when I was a kid. They still are. I could spend all week doing just that.
~ Lauren B. gets a rose and her total amount of screen time through two episodes is now a whopping 18 seconds.
~ Kendall gets a rose.
~ Hardcore Brittany gets a rose.
~ Ashley gets a rose even though they haven’t talked a lot.
~ Marikh gets a rose.
~ Caroline gets the next rose.
~ Chris Harrison lets us all know there is one rose left because we can’t count.
~ Bibiana gets the final rose. Ha, who planned this? And of course she’s standing next to Krystal. Oh, TV.
~ Jenny is one of the girls who didn’t get a rose. She’s crushed because she has friends there.
~ And let this be a lesson to all of us – if you make fun of someone for being traumatized on the bumper cars when they were a kid, you won’t receive a rose from the bachelor. Capiche?
~ OH MY MORTADELLA SANDWICH THEY’RE GOING ON A WRESTLING DATE NEXT WEEK.
Thank you for reading. Bye.