Well, the time has come.
Feel free to park your high horse outside and leave your shame at the door because I’m back to recap another season of The Bachelor, with witty comments and astute analysis. Now then, let’s get this piñata in the air and start swinging!
~ The Bachelor this season is a guy named Arie. He’s a race car driver who finished 2nd on The Bachelorette, five years ago.
~ Now he’s back. And he’s in the driver’s seat. And he’s leading from pole position. And I’m peaking too soon on these racing analogies.
~ Arie now has a second career in real estate. He has a third career in staring out into the abyss from a balcony.
~ Back from commercial, it’s Chris Hand Gesture Harrison! The Host!
~ Now we’re meeting the women who will be “competing for Arie’s heart”. I just threw up.
~ First up is Chelsea, 29, from Portland. She’s a single mom.
~ Hold on, The Bachelor has gotten new graphics this year for the first time ever. They remind me of a high school PowerPoint presentation by a student who doesn’t want the class to stare at them while they talk about how setting influenced a character.
~ Chelsea is making a peanut butter sandwich. Now we see her out day drinking with her gal pals.
~ Do people say that? “Gal Pals”? I’m just trying to be hip.
~ Next is Caroline, 26, from Florida. She’s a realtor. Hey! That’s Arie’s second career. I ship them…I ship them…I ship them off to stare out over a balcony.
~ Next is Michelle, 23. She’s a professional photographer who likes shooting “happy couples”. That’s nice.
~ Next is Nysha. She just jumped out of an airplane. She must be a…Orthepedic Nurse. That’s exactly what I was going to say.
~ Next is Tia. She is from Weiner, Arkansas. It’s a small town with big tractors. Hark! She knows he’s a realtor, too.
~ Drink something every time someone mentions Arie’s real estate career.
~ Next is Kendall. She’s from LA and collects taxidermy. Ok.
~ Next is Bekah from LA. She’s a nanny. She also climbs walls.
~ Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom. She’s ready for love but the right person hasn’t come along. Isn’t that how it works?
~ Oh, she said “ready for love”. Drink!
~ Krystal is a fitness coach. She’s passionate about nutrition. She volunteers with the homeless. I like her. Everyone else can go home.
~ My friend Sharon (long time reader of this blog/grilled cheese enthusiast) tipped me off that Krystal was one of her favourites. Good pick, Sharon!
~ Back from commercial, the first limo full of women is on its way to the mansion!
~ Meanwhile, Arie arrives at the mansion! He gets out of the car and stares lovingly into Chris Hand Gesture Harrison’s eyes.
~ As if he knew I was talking about him, Chris opens his arms as if to say, “You made it!”
~ They shake hands and bro hug.
~ Arie is nervous but excited. Aren’t we all?
~ Chris: “How have you not found love?” BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT TAKES LONGER FOR SOME PEOPLE, CHRIS. NEXT QUESTION.
~ First out of the limo is Caroline the Realtor!
~ She mentions that he’s a realtor. Drink!
~ “We’ll both be off the market.” – Caroline. And THAT is how you sky rocket up my Bachelor power rankings. You make puns that I would make.
~ She didn’t seem as robotic as most contestants normally are. She was actually talking like a real life person. Woah.
~ Out next is Chelsea. She tells him that there’s, “A lot to get to know.” Oh.
~ Kendall is next. Her hug game is strong.
~ Seinne is up next. She likes elephants. Hey, I like elephants. She gives him elephant cufflinks. Hey, I like elephant cuffli….actually, I’ve never thought about it.
~ Tia is out next and says “Weiner, Arkansas” right away. She gives him a weiner and says, “Don’t tell me you already have a little weiner.”
~ Hey Tia, I write the jokes here. Stop stealing my mustard. Get it? Like, thunder? But mustard? Because of weiners. Hot dogs? NEXT.
~ Bibiana is out next and she’s been thinking about him a lot.
~ Bri is out next. She’s a sports reporter but used to play softball. I just sat up in my seat a bit.
~ WHAT? That’s it? Bri got 4.678 second of TV time. Boo-urns.
~ Jenny is next.
~ Now here is Brittane. She makes a joke about a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.
~ Jacqueline is nervous…but on the surface she looks calm and ready? Nah, she didn’t.
~ Here comes Krystal. The current clubhouse leader. She’s a smile talker. I can dig it.
~ Krystal’s hug game wasn’t as strong as Kendall’s, but she can work on that.
~ Here comes Plane Jumper, Nysha. He hugs her. She goes in the house.
~ “He hugs her. She goes in the house.” – New Bachelor Tagline
~ And now we’re at the part of every premiere episode where the girls in the house can’t believe how many people are there. Guys, it’s the same number every season. Watch the product.
~ Here comes Valerie. He spins her around. She goes in the house.
~ Bekah arrives in a mustang. The girls rush to the window to see.
~ Weinerite, Tia, is only now starting to feel foolish about giving him a little weiner. ONLY NOW.
~ Out of the limo next is Jenna. Her hug game rivals Kendall’s. Her confidence rivals no one. I like her. She’s in my top two for now. Sorry, Bri.
~ Out next is television host, Jessica. Chris Harrison is probably wondering if he’s about to be replaced.
~ Jessica gives him a gratitude rock and hopes he thinks of her when he looks at it. Uhhhh?
~ Marikh tells him she wants some salt and pepper in her life. Well Marikh, you do own a restau….oh.
~ Olivia says she adored him on Emily’s season.
~ Olivia! Thou shalt not mention thy name of thy past love. Nay! -50 points for Gryffindor.
~ Becca has arrived and this is my friend Sharon’s other favourite. Alright, she’s cracked my top 4.
~ UPDATED PAULEADERBOARD: 1. Krystal; 2. Jenna; 3. Bri; 4. Becca
~ By the way, this PAULEADERBOARD is a play on the fact that there is a leaderboard in racing. Also, it’s a nifty way for me to say who my favourites are. The rankings can change every five minutes, depending on what they do or say. It’s meant to be fun.
~ Here is Lauren S. “Hhhow are youuu?”
~ Here is Lauren J. “Hhhow are youuu?”
~ Here is Lauren B. She doesn’t ask him how he is. By default. She’s my favourite Lauren. Welcome to the Top 5.
~ All the girls are freaking out that there are multiple Laurens.
~ There were three Pauls in my Grade 10 math class.
~ Here is Lauren G., you gotta be kidding me. That rhymed.
~ Make it five. Make it five. Make it five. Make it five.
~ Ashley arrives with a racing flag. Simple. Nice touch.
~ Brittany T. talks to him in Dutch.
~ Amber tells him she owns a spray tan company.
~ Ali asks him to sniff her armpit. She calls it a “Pit stop.”
~ Time out. I just pressed pause on the show. Okay. Alright. Stop. Ali, I was saving all of my pit stop puns for episode two, but apparently you SNIFFED that out. HOW’S THAT FOR A PUN, YOU PUN STEALER.
~ I even had a diddy all ready. “Are you down with PSP (pit stop puns)? Yeah, you know me.”
~ Ugh. I’m okay. Just a bit crushed. There’s also vomit on my sweater already.
~ The girls are just downing the wine left, right, and centre.
~ Annaliese shows up wearing a mask and calls herself the kissing bandit. Hold on one second. No one told me this was a mystery dinner! Now I’m excited.
~ Chris Harrison can be the shifty butler!
~ Bekah isn’t bothered by Annaliese’s gimmick. Bekah drove up in a mustang. Bekah is now posing like an emoji, with one hand out.
~ Someone is driving up in an actual race car. It is Maquel. “Sorry I’m late.” Nah, it’s cool.
~ Wowee, there are a lot of bitter Betty’s in the bunch right now. Fun!
~ Back in the Harrison Manor, the guests mingle. Unbeknownst to them, a murder has taken place! Oh no! Everyone scurries to take their seat as Christopher enters the room.
~ See, this show would be so much cooler if it were a mystery dinner. I made that all up.
~ “The older they get, the better looking they get.”
~ “They don’t make people like this.” – Brittane. Wait, does she know how people are ma…never mind.
~ Arie Arie Ossenfreeeee has entered the house.
~ Arie makes a toast and we are off and racing!
~ Chelsea steals Arie away. She just officially turned heel.
~ I was wondering how long it would take for me to turn this into a wrestling show. 58 minutes. It took that long.
~ Maquel steals Arie away and Chelsea complains to the girls that it was too early for someone to swoop in.
~ Chelsea is cutting the promo of her life right now.
~ “It’s so crazy seeing him talking to someone.” WATCH THE PRODUCT.
~ “When I found out you were the bachelor, I was super pumped.” Ah, there’s always one person who is responsible for saying that.
~ “If you can find love on Tinder, you can find love on TV.” – Quote of the year
~ Brittany takes him outside to race in mini cars. She wants a kiss if she wins. Annnnnd he wins the race. That backfired. Wait, they kissed anyway. That wasn’t the stipulation that was agreed upon!
~ Going to have to take this case to the FIA.
~ “His lips are like clouds.” They produce rain?
~ Brittany then tells everyone else she kissed him.
~ Here we go. Let the “I’m jealous, but I’m smiling” portion of this episode, commence.
~ One girl brought him a pizza, but I don’t know her name. She wins. Cancel the show.
~ Jenna is now massaging his feet. She’s bouncing from topic to topic.
~ Annaliese has taken off her mask and is actually sincere.
~ I don’t know what to think anymore. The editing of this is making me question my PAULEADERBOARD. Heck, I might scrap the whole thing altogether.
~ Chris Harrison brings in the first impression rose, does his patented hand gesture, and exits stage left. God, I want his job.
~ Amber doubles down on her spray tan business.
~ Chelsea is now questioning her decision to talk to him first. Now she’s going to talk to him again! She is a full blown heel at this point.
~ In wrestling, a heel is a person who is villainous, or the “bad guy”.
~ Chelsea steals him away from Krystal, who is the ultimate baby face.
~ In wrestling, a baby face is the “good guy”. The fan favourite.
~ I don’t want to spill the beans, but we’re getting ready for a Chelsea vs. Krystal match. The seeds have been planted. Episode 5, it goes down. Book it.
~ Oh hold everything.
~ Chelsea and Arie just shoved their mouths down each others throats.
~ Arie’s kiss count is at 2.
~ We might have to move up the Chelsea/Krystal match to Episode 3.
~ Tia from Weinertown, USA: “I’m a clown.”
~ Tia is just a fun person. There I said it.
~ Bekah takes him out to her mustang to talk. She asks him what are three things that make him excited to be alive. Oh no. He hasn’t been prepped for this.
~ “Excitement.” AHAHAHAHA.
~ “Pizza. You know, good food, good company.”
~ Hold the pepperoni. “Good company” is not the same as “pizza”.
~ Scratch that, it is. Pizza is good company. Carry on.
~ Arie grabs the first impression rose and gives it to Chelsea.
~ Oh man. She is about to receive “Shawn Michaels in Montreal” level of heat.
~ That is a nuclear amount of heat.
~ In wrestling, “heat” is hatred from the audience. So when the crowd is booing loudly, that’s heat.
~ Arie looks like the kind of guy who feeds bread to birds in the park, but forgets the bread at home, so he just sits on the bench for 10 minutes before heading home.
~ It’s Rose Ceremony time. Arie makes a speech.
~ “Tonight was amazing. I was blown away. It’s hard now because I need to send a bunch of you home. No hard feelings. Nothing personal. Except it is personal because I don’t want to marry you. Okay. Let’s start.”
~ Becca gets a rose. Sharon is happy.
~ Marikh gets a rose. She made a salt and pepper joke.
~ Kendall gets a rose. Probably because her hug game was so strong.
~ Lauren G. gets a rose from Arie. Ha, another rhyme.
~ Krystal gets a rose, obviously.
~ Bekah gets a rose. She’ll need a parking pass for that mustang.
~ Lauren S. gets a rose. She was the first Lauren to arrive.
~ Seinne gets a rose.
~ Caroline gets a rose.
~ Brittany T. gets a rose. She got the first kiss even though she lost the car race. The FIA is still investigating at this time. Everyone else looks tired, she came prepared for the first night all-nighter.
~ Bibiana gets a rose.
~ Annaliese gets a rose.
~ Valerie is freaking out because “he knows what he wants” and she “craves that”.
~ Valerie gets a rose! She can breathe again!
~ Those TV lights in that room must be so hot. Kudos to everyone in there for not fainting.
~ Jacqueline gets a rose.
~ Jenny gets a rose.
~ Lauren B. gets a rose! She was in my top 5, but didn’t do anything tonight other than not ask him how he was. Still think there’s something there. Hmmm. I’ll have to re-access.
~ Ashley gets a rose.
~ Girls who haven’t received a rose yet, that I remember: Maquel, Amber the spray tan owner, Sports Reporter and former softball player Bri, Tia from Weiner….
~ Tia gets a rose! That’s an upgrade from the mini weiner she arrived with. Hey, that was a thing. Don’t look at me.
~ Maquel gets the final rose! She came in the race car.
~ He sent Bri home. Well, my top 5 needs some editing.
~ Jessica is sent home.
~ Amber is gone.
~ And that’s it? Only three went home?
~ Amber is crying and is disappointed that this “risk” failed miserably.
~ Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you won’t have to be embarrassed on national TV for multiple weeks.
~ ARIE JUST TOLD THE WOMEN THAT HE’S IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT. THAT WAS LITERALLY MY SECOND NOTE IN THIS POST.
~ Alright, time for some rapid fire final thoughts.
~ I like Krystal, but I don’t think she’s meant for this show.
~ Tia is goofy and that might get her all the way to the Final 4 because she’ll be different from everyone else and he’ll enjoy her playfulness.
~ Brittany is sweet, but I fear that her storyline this season will be “I got the first kiss but nothing ever came from it.”
~ Kendall – Hug game strong, man. Don’t underestimate it.
~ Bekah – I feel like she’s trying too hard to convince herself that she has a lot in common with him.
~ Lauren B. – My ultimate underdog. Was barely shown this episode but I like her. There’s something there. Trust me.
~ Chelsea – she’ll be the top heel of the territory and lose a “loser leaves town” match as a way to write her off the show.
~ Becca – she seems rock solid right now. My friend Sharon has her as one of her favourites, I don’t know if I’m there.
~ Maquel – I don’t know if the final rose on the first night is a bad omen or not. I’ll need to look at the stats.
~ My pick to go all the way to the end is Lauren B.
1. She had a good limo exit
2. She didn’t ask him how he was, like two other Laurens did. Bam, she’s different.
3. The last time Arie was on this show, he fell in love with someone who kinda looks like Lauren. At least, the blonde hair is the same.
4. They didn’t want to give her too much air time yet; she’ll get all of it later on.
Final PAULEADERBOARD of the night:
1. Lauren B.
5. Bri (Quiet, I know she got sent home)
Alright, that’s it for this week. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. See you next week. This was exhausting.
@CappyTalks on Twitter