A Letter To Ariel

Dear Ariel, 

I hope this letter gets to you germ free, as I currently have a sore throat that burns like a disco inferno. I haven’t started sneezing yet, but the occasionally sniffle is sending me warning signs.

I’m not responsible for any future maladies on your end. So don’t sue. Please.

You live in New Jersey, which begs the question, where is Old Jersey? Does Old Jersey smell like an old jersey? What’s the deal?

Also, I’m reminded of Jersey Boys – the musical group.

Do you mind if I sing some of their songs? You don’t? Great! Let me just clear my gridlocked throat and warm up my vocals.

AHHHHH-HEMMMM-PHLEEEGM

ME-ME-ME-MEEEEE

HA-HAA-HAAA

OOOO-OOOO-OOOO

CAW CAW

CRRRRREAMSICLE CRRRRREAMSICLE

Okay, everything is loose.

Sherry, Sherry Baby
Sherry, Sherry Baby
Sheeeeeeeeeeeerry, Sherry Baby
Sheeeeeeeeeeeerry, Sherry Baby

Whew, that took a lot out of me. Why couldn’t they just text Sherry instead of (seemingly) yelling from the street?

Another song? Sure!

Oh, what a night
Late December back in ’63
What a very special time for me
‘Cause I remember what a night

What’s that? You want a remix? No problem.

Oh, what a bite
Late night eating back two weeks ago
What a very special time for me
‘Cause I remember what a bite

Mmmm. What a bite. It was probably pizza.

Okay, I think I’ve done enough. You get the point. 

Oh, what? One more song? I guess I can…

NO. No more songs. I am sick and my voice has taken off and is three blocks away by now. Sorry. I know you wanted another.

Anyways, you asked me to tell you a story about how gophers took over North America using kettle corn and how we managed to regain control from them.

Well, like most stories, this is a short story, but long-winded.

It’s very simple. What do people like? Food. We like food. We can’t help it.

So the gophers fed (pun always intended) on that intel. They set up a long trail of kettle corn all across North America. That’s another thing people like. They like following trails until they reach the end of them. 

Don’t believe me? Then why is there always a mad dash to the pot of gold at the end of every rainbow? Exactly.

The gophers used kettle corn to lead us into bunkers they had dug all over North America. The bunkers were retro-fitted with televisions, phones, and veggie platters.

We were hooked. We were trapped. We were forced to eat raw broccoli.

They took over the continent and came across a few stragglers who didn’t follow the kettle corn. These people were deemed “the sane ones”. Together, with the gophers, they brought humanity back to respectability by going into people’s homes and rearranging the furniture to satisfy the “feng shui” inspectors (other gophers).

They also threw out any DVDs they came across that they didn’t like.  

When everyone was released from the bunker, they all rushed to the nearest washroom and forgot all about what had happened because they were too worried about how far behind they were on their Netflix series to question what the gophers did.

The End.

You also asked me about the current political climate in the U.S. and if I’ve ever thought about fleeing the continent.

I haven’t. I think Canada is far enough away from the circus, even though if we open our window we can hear the music and smell the elephant walk in for the grand finale.

The general discourse around your President is that everyone hates him and wants him removed. To me, though, I think of all the people who want him there. Millions of people voted for him.

You could tell me all you want about how he didn’t win the popular vote and how the electoral college is a joke. Whatever. I knew that back in high school. What took your country so long to figure that out? Did no one realize you could elect a President who received fewer votes than the opponent?

Sorry, I’m not really directing this at you. 

My point is: if people have a problem with the President, then they have a problem with everyone who voted for him. And if that’s the case, you have what seems to be a billion science project volcanos about to explode.

I hope you all got goggles for Christmas.

You also asked, “is the stereotype that says all Canadians are nice & that living in Canada is like living in an apartment above a raging kegger true? Do Americans seem like spoiled teenagers to you & you’re all too polite to say anything?”

I’d never heard the living above a raging kegger thing before, but sure, I guess?

Most Canadians are extremely nice. We say sorry when someone else says sorry. We say thank you when someone thanks us. It’s all very weird and I think it’s because we don’t want to anger anyone.

Our countries just feel different. Walking around Canada feels like a fun game of tag at recess. On one of my trips to the U.S., it felt like I was playing Russian roulette, just going to a Wal-Mart.

From the outside, your country seems consumed by politics and people create their identity based off of that. Like you’re either a Republican or a Democrat and that tells others everything they need to know about you.

We’re not like that here. At least, I don’t think we are.

Your culture seems to be built around toughness and football. Ours is built around a nice snowy afternoon playing hockey on an outdoor rink. And I think that sums up our differences in a small little kettle corn.

Thought I was going to say “nutshell” didn’t you?

Now you can say, “Oh, we’re not all like that.” I know. I can say the same thing. But stereotypes and perceptions can be very real sometimes.

Alright, I think I’ve gone on long enough! 

It is freezing here and my fingers feel like they have been attached to an ice cube.

I just want to thank you for being a consistent reader of my blog and I truly appreciate your interactions and comments!

With a fire in my throat,

Paul