How I Got To 500 Posts

The other day I received a notification from WordPress telling me that I had posted my 500th post. The notification came without bells, whistles, or cake. Can you believe that? Not even a cake!

I’m not here to cry over spilled milk, though. That milk will be needed to make the cake. We mustn’t be wasteful.

Hey, have you ever noticed that if you use the word “mustn’t” in a sentence, everyone sits up a bit and pays attention just a little bit more?

Seriously. If I said, “We can’t be wasteful”, it would be just another sentence.

But when I throw “Mustn’t” in there, oh man, it adds a punch. Does it not?

I see a few people disagreeing with me. Y’all can leave. No one invited you, anyway!

There, I did it again. I used the word, “Y’all” to make you pay attention. It worked, didn’t it?

DIDN’T IT!?

Why am I yelling?

Anyway, I received the notification about my 500th post and my mind did what every blogger’s mind does when they reach a milestone. They feel the need to write a post about it.

As we should. If we don’t talk about our achievements, who will? Also, people can’t get you a cake if they don’t know that you deserve one.

Yeah, I said it. I deserve a cake. By the end of this post I’ll have guilted all of you into getting me two cakes. Watch.

As a side note, though, I am of the belief that cake needs no occasion. We need to stop assuming that it is only served when something is worth celebrating.

How about celebrating your love of cake on a lonely Thursday afternoon for no reason?

Last I checked, when you buy a cake at the grocery store, the cashier doesn’t ask for any documents to prove that you need it for a specific occasion.

That being said, there are some things in life meant for only one occasion.

Like umbrellas. Bring those eye pokers out when it’s raining. That’s it. Not on sunny days.

Are you Mary Poppins?

What’s her deal, anyway? She just flies away with an umbrella and no one questions it? It’s just like, “Oh, there goes Mary again.”

Maybe she’s related to David Blaine. Yeah, that’s it. Mary Poppins is an illusionist.

Wait, is Mary Poppins the same Mary that had a little lamb? Does the little lamb have an umbrella of it’s own?

Totes adorbs, if so.

Don’t mind me saying “Totes Adorbs”, I’m just making sure all my demographics are covered.

Back to my line of questioning.

If you bring an umbrella out on sunny days, do you also wear your winter jacket in June?

Don’t answer that if you’re Canadian, you’ll ruin my point.

I already know I’ll get at least one comment saying they set up beach umbrellas or they carry an umbrella around to protect their kids from the sun because they refuse to put on unscented sunscreen, which still smells.

What’s up with that? I’ve never met an unscented sunscreen that didn’t smell. Dare I ask what scented sunscreen smells like?

But see, as soon as I receive those comments from people who give legitimate reasons for using an umbrella on a sunny day, I’ll relent and say “Alright, that’s fine. You have a good excuse. Thanks for the comment!”

And I’ll say that because I’m Canadian and deep down, I’m not out here to offend anyone. And if I do, even if it’s by a minuscule amount, I’ll apologize.

But that doesn’t stop me from writing in my posts, “I don’t care who’s offended by this.”

Double but, when I say that, it’s said with my tongue in my cheek.

Or in computer terms, it’s said with 6 of my fingers dangling over the keyboard, wondering why they aren’t good enough to press any buttons.

Oh wait a minute, I just realized I use 5 fingers to type. My left thumb hits the Shift key. That’s great.

Please, no one tell my left thumb that the Shift key is the participation trophy of typing trophies for fingers. It’ll be crushed. It’s already on an island of its own, away from the other four fingers.

Ever wonder what your thumbs think? They probably feel like Rudolph does when the other reindeer don’t let him participate in reindeer games, like Monopoly.

I always thought I typed with more fingers, but no. Half of them are just hanging out. I should get them a hammock, or sunscreen, or something.

I got it. Mini umbrellas for the fingers that aren’t typing. I’d hate for them to get heat stroke from the computer screen.

Anyways, back to my….

No. Hold on. Did you guys know that “anyways” isn’t actually a word?

“Anyway” is a word.

“Anyways” is slang.

SLANG.

Google is off its rocker, I tell ya.

But seriously, “anyways” isn’t a real word. Impress your friends with that fact. Heck, scare your coworkers, or your boss.

NO. I got it.

If your boss sends you an email and uses the word “anyways”, tell them it’s not a word. Link them to my blog post when they don’t believe you and have them read the following message.

Dear Proper Noun,

I was lead to believe the workplace is a setting where only the brightest bulbs shine. Clearly, yours has been sitting under a lampshade, or worse, an umbrella.

The word “anyways” is incorrect. It is slang. I don’t know where you went to school, but if it’s nearby, I suggest you go back. If not, vous êtes excusé mon ami. 

As a result of your error, please excuse _____ from work for the rest of the day. They will not tolerate your unprofessionalism until tomorrow, unless tomorrow is the weekend. In that case, they’ll see you on Monday.

Love, Peace, and Canada Geese,

Paul

You’re all welcome. See, now I deserve two cakes.

Anyway, when I saw the notification telling me I had 500 posts, I knew I had to write a post about it. I thought, “I need to thank my followers!”

Then I realized something. Why am I thanking all of you. For what? You didn’t write these 500 posts, except for the guest posts I’ve had and collaborations I’ve done, but we’ll ignore those.

I shouldn’t be thanking you. You should all be thanking me.

You should be thanking me for giving you something to read when you should be doing something much more important. (Seriously, make sure your boss stopped reading when the italics ended).

You should be thanking me for the laughs you didn’t know you needed.

You should be thanking me for being a bright light that you don’t need an umbrella to protect yourself from.

You should be thanking me. Period.

No wait.

You should be thanking me. With compliments. Period.

Ah, take three.

You should be thanking me. With compliments. And cake. Period. Two cakes. Period.

So, you’re welcome. You’re all welcome.

And this post right here…this collection of words that shouldn’t be together, but are…this is a prime example of how I got to 500 posts.

I sat down to write this and had no clue what I was going to say, but miraculously, after 35 minutes, 1248 words are here for your enjoyment.

Again, you’re welcome.

Goodnight.

This was my 501st post. My 502nd post will not recognize it as an accomplishment at all, even though it is a larger number than 500. There’s a life lesson in there somewhere.