How I Got To 500 Posts

The other day I received a notification from WordPress telling me that I had posted my 500th post. The notification came without bells, whistles, or cake. Can you believe that? Not even a cake!

I’m not here to cry over spilled milk, though. That milk will be needed to make the cake. We mustn’t be wasteful.

Hey, have you ever noticed that if you use the word “mustn’t” in a sentence, everyone sits up a bit and pays attention just a little bit more?

Seriously. If I said, “We can’t be wasteful”, it would be just another sentence.

But when I throw “Mustn’t” in there, oh man, it adds a punch. Does it not?

I see a few people disagreeing with me. Y’all can leave. No one invited you, anyway!

There, I did it again. I used the word, “Y’all” to make you pay attention. It worked, didn’t it?

DIDN’T IT!?

Why am I yelling?

Anyway, I received the notification about my 500th post and my mind did what every blogger’s mind does when they reach a milestone. They feel the need to write a post about it.

As we should. If we don’t talk about our achievements, who will? Also, people can’t get you a cake if they don’t know that you deserve one.

Yeah, I said it. I deserve a cake. By the end of this post I’ll have guilted all of you into getting me two cakes. Watch.

As a side note, though, I am of the belief that cake needs no occasion. We need to stop assuming that it is only served when something is worth celebrating.

How about celebrating your love of cake on a lonely Thursday afternoon for no reason?

Last I checked, when you buy a cake at the grocery store, the cashier doesn’t ask for any documents to prove that you need it for a specific occasion.

That being said, there are some things in life meant for only one occasion.

Like umbrellas. Bring those eye pokers out when it’s raining. That’s it. Not on sunny days.

Are you Mary Poppins?

What’s her deal, anyway? She just flies away with an umbrella and no one questions it? It’s just like, “Oh, there goes Mary again.”

Maybe she’s related to David Blaine. Yeah, that’s it. Mary Poppins is an illusionist.

Wait, is Mary Poppins the same Mary that had a little lamb? Does the little lamb have an umbrella of it’s own?

Totes adorbs, if so.

Don’t mind me saying “Totes Adorbs”, I’m just making sure all my demographics are covered.

Back to my line of questioning.

If you bring an umbrella out on sunny days, do you also wear your winter jacket in June?

Don’t answer that if you’re Canadian, you’ll ruin my point.

I already know I’ll get at least one comment saying they set up beach umbrellas or they carry an umbrella around to protect their kids from the sun because they refuse to put on unscented sunscreen, which still smells.

What’s up with that? I’ve never met an unscented sunscreen that didn’t smell. Dare I ask what scented sunscreen smells like?

But see, as soon as I receive those comments from people who give legitimate reasons for using an umbrella on a sunny day, I’ll relent and say “Alright, that’s fine. You have a good excuse. Thanks for the comment!”

And I’ll say that because I’m Canadian and deep down, I’m not out here to offend anyone. And if I do, even if it’s by a minuscule amount, I’ll apologize.

But that doesn’t stop me from writing in my posts, “I don’t care who’s offended by this.”

Double but, when I say that, it’s said with my tongue in my cheek.

Or in computer terms, it’s said with 6 of my fingers dangling over the keyboard, wondering why they aren’t good enough to press any buttons.

Oh wait a minute, I just realized I use 5 fingers to type. My left thumb hits the Shift key. That’s great.

Please, no one tell my left thumb that the Shift key is the participation trophy of typing trophies for fingers. It’ll be crushed. It’s already on an island of its own, away from the other four fingers.

Ever wonder what your thumbs think? They probably feel like Rudolph does when the other reindeer don’t let him participate in reindeer games, like Monopoly.

I always thought I typed with more fingers, but no. Half of them are just hanging out. I should get them a hammock, or sunscreen, or something.

I got it. Mini umbrellas for the fingers that aren’t typing. I’d hate for them to get heat stroke from the computer screen.

Anyways, back to my….

No. Hold on. Did you guys know that “anyways” isn’t actually a word?

“Anyway” is a word.

“Anyways” is slang.

SLANG.

Google is off its rocker, I tell ya.

But seriously, “anyways” isn’t a real word. Impress your friends with that fact. Heck, scare your coworkers, or your boss.

NO. I got it.

If your boss sends you an email and uses the word “anyways”, tell them it’s not a word. Link them to my blog post when they don’t believe you and have them read the following message.

Dear Proper Noun,

I was lead to believe the workplace is a setting where only the brightest bulbs shine. Clearly, yours has been sitting under a lampshade, or worse, an umbrella.

The word “anyways” is incorrect. It is slang. I don’t know where you went to school, but if it’s nearby, I suggest you go back. If not, vous êtes excusé mon ami. 

As a result of your error, please excuse _____ from work for the rest of the day. They will not tolerate your unprofessionalism until tomorrow, unless tomorrow is the weekend. In that case, they’ll see you on Monday.

Love, Peace, and Canada Geese,

Paul

You’re all welcome. See, now I deserve two cakes.

Anyway, when I saw the notification telling me I had 500 posts, I knew I had to write a post about it. I thought, “I need to thank my followers!”

Then I realized something. Why am I thanking all of you. For what? You didn’t write these 500 posts, except for the guest posts I’ve had and collaborations I’ve done, but we’ll ignore those.

I shouldn’t be thanking you. You should all be thanking me.

You should be thanking me for giving you something to read when you should be doing something much more important. (Seriously, make sure your boss stopped reading when the italics ended).

You should be thanking me for the laughs you didn’t know you needed.

You should be thanking me for being a bright light that you don’t need an umbrella to protect yourself from.

You should be thanking me. Period.

No wait.

You should be thanking me. With compliments. Period.

Ah, take three.

You should be thanking me. With compliments. And cake. Period. Two cakes. Period.

So, you’re welcome. You’re all welcome.

And this post right here…this collection of words that shouldn’t be together, but are…this is a prime example of how I got to 500 posts.

I sat down to write this and had no clue what I was going to say, but miraculously, after 35 minutes, 1248 words are here for your enjoyment.

Again, you’re welcome.

Goodnight.

This was my 501st post. My 502nd post will not recognize it as an accomplishment at all, even though it is a larger number than 500. There’s a life lesson in there somewhere.

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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54 Responses to How I Got To 500 Posts

  1. Angela says:

    Thank You for the laughs Paul, I’d send you cake but I’m not sure it would survive the journey! Maybe if I ever visit Canada I could bake you one, but that depends on how much of a risk taker you are prepared to be 🙂
    Well Done on 500

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thanks Angela, I appreciate the thought! I’d have to analyze the cake with my eyes and if I have doubts about it, you’ll hear some excuse from me as to why I can’t eat it in front of you haha

      Like

  2. Woohoo! And thank you! And not real life cake, but the best I can do from New Zealand. 🎂🎂🎂 (3 even, that’s how much I enjoy your blog!)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That is indeed an achievement! I, on behalf of all your followers, thank you for this wonderful service you provide haha food for the soul really. Had me in stitches

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Barb Knowles says:

    I shan’t say anything other than…..you’re dope.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. For some reason I have The Rock singing “your welcome” in my head now… 😜

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Paul, I knew I needed a laugh this morning, so your blog was that first thing I read. Not Twitter. Not Instagram (which has far too few real words). Not “The Book”. Thanks for your hard work and dedication to your craft. And for writing a line like love peace and Canada geese. That is one examples why you’re my favorite. Congratulations on your milestone. I don’t like cake, but I would send you brownies, because they are superior. PS Washington state, where I’m from, is known for rain, but most people don’t bother with umbrellas. They just wear hoods.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thank you so much, Jen! I agree about Instagram and its lack of words. That’s part of the reason why I put so much thought into my captions on there. I find them more fun than the pictures most of the time.
      I’ll accept brownies! And it sounds like Washington state is my kind of place. I never use an umbrella either! Always a hood. I wouldn’t know what to do with an umbrella after going inside.
      Always glad I could provide you with some laughs!

      Like

  7. micqu says:

    Congratulations on your 501 very amazing posts. Here… take the cake. Take both cakes. No, I’ll give you an extra third cake, because you deserve it. Thank you for the laughs and the words to read. Thank you for everything.
    merci!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Congratulations on your 501st post! 😉 Although that was a doozy of a post, Paul! And I shall be one to disagree on your umbrella theory!! I have a legitimate sun umbrella. which I use in addition to wearing sunscreen! HAHA! Not sure why I’m laughing right there, but it feels like I just made a huge point. Also, add the word “shall” to your list of words that grab the attention of the reader.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ely says:

    Man. I need to ship you a cake to Canada. Do you think that’s possible?! I have to do some serious research! What’s your favorite flavor?! My rum cake is PHENOMENAL but then again all my cakes are phenomenal. And what is it like “cocky Tuesday?!” “Too school for cool Tuesday?!” We are all up in the “I am THE BOMB.COM and you WILL recognize my bombness” feelings! Hahaha! Congrats on 500 posts of nothing and EVERYTHING because you are so right- the best posts are the ones are that are unplanned because we have no idea what to say or how to make sense of ANYTHING but still somehow, we KILL it! And why did I put my tongue against my cheek to say whatever word u said to say when u did?!? What was the word LOL it started with a B because I remember putting my tongue against my cheek and when I said the word it sounded like BUBBLEGUM. I’m not crazy. I swear. And why is it that I’m ALWAYS on “Simon says” mode with your posts! Or “Paul Says” mode I guess. Lol! Ok I need to finish my next few posts! So I can ketchup! I don’t want beef though. Keep calm, don’t have a pickle! This isn’t a race. Lettuce just do our thing and have some bun! I mean fun. Lol k bye!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Hahahah the word was “but”. But I didn’t mean it in the sense that I said the word “but” while my tongue was in my cheek. I was using the phrase “tongue in cheek” which means I’m normally kidding around in my posts when I “insult” people. Hahaha. Oh man.

      I don’t think your cake would make it through the border. Security would probably eat it just to make sure you’re not hiding firecrackers inside of it or something. I like vanilla cake. I’m quite plain like that. I used to like chocolate, but then the place we get cakes at changed the flavour of it and blah. Vanilla.
      Back to the tongue in cheek thing…I like how my post turns into a game of Simon Says every time. I should put more prompts in my post. “Get up and open the fridge. Now eat something.”
      I now want a burger though. Thanks for that.
      And yes, it is Cocky Tuesday lol. I like to push the boundaries to see how far I can go before my readers revolt and call me out on my bs. So far they haven’t.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Ely says:

    Also- I wear sun glasses on a full blown rainy day. Because I hate society and that’s my shield against having to face the world. I’m invisible and comfortable on certain days, so long as I have my hater-blockers to protect me. Lol so I guess it’s not fair for me to bash people who use umbrellas on sunny days right?! Because I tend to do that but never looked at the flip side of it Hahahaha

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ariel Lynn says:

    Congratulations! Again, Fudgy the Whale would melt before I got it there. That’s my excuse for not giving you cake, from now until forever. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Yoly says:

    Ha ha! You are too much. 500 is a big accomplishment. By the way, I love to buy cakes for the non-occasion.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Tanushka says:

    Dear Paul
    This post was totes lol
    Your face is like a ken doll
    I am struggling to rhyme, haul
    I am sitting in a shawl
    Thanks from us all.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Well I’ve just realised I only ever type with my thumbs, as I am always on my phone. My poor other fingers are so hard done by.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Squid says:

    CONGRATULATIONS AND SALUTATIONS, PAUL!
    MY MOM IS THE ANYWAYS NAZI! She always corrects us and I’m sure she’d be very pleased with you pointing it out. XD
    Love, Peace, and Canadian Geese is the greatest sign-off ever… I’m gonna steal it, but I’ll link back here.
    🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰
    Squid

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha by my count, that’s 13 slices of cake. I think 14 slices makes an entire cake. Who ate the last one? Should we blame your sister?
      It is a great sign-off isn’t it? Though make sure you say “Canada Geese” since the animal is actually called the “Canada Goose”. Then again I could be completely wrong with how the plural term is written out lol

      Like

      • Squid says:

        Ummm yes! Totally blame my sister… *licks crummy lips*
        My bird book seems to inconclusively pluralize it as Canada Goose, but that makes me cringe, so idk. I’ll stick with Canada Geese, then. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Just that one Girl says:

    Wow this honestly made my day. It’s rare writing can make me geniunely laugh out loud and I definitely would have if I weren’t in a library. I settled with chuckling quietly to myself but I don’t think that does your post justice. Congratualtions​ by the way, I would totally bring you a cake if I could!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thank you so much! I always wonder if my posts will be funny to other people or if they’re just funny to me, so I’m glad to hear you sat there chuckling lol

      Like

  17. The Chirping Canary says:

    As Sydney’s sister, I can tell you, the cake was delicious. 😉

    Oh! And guess what? I’m sick…

    and I’M READING YOUR BLOG!

    (Why am I yelling?)

    AnyWAY, congrats on 500! I love your blog so much. ❤👌

    Liked by 1 person

  18. So where do i send this cake?
    -Meraki

    Like

  19. Little Rants says:

    Ooh congratulations on your 502nd post! Haha. Also, Mary Poppins IS an illusionist. You’ve got that right!

    Is the “love, peace and Canada Geese” a new thing? I’ve missed out on so much!!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Jad says:

    Damn Paul, I would love to peek inside your brain just for a minute or two!!
    I love your writing style…except for the sports posts, but we already went over that so lets not rehash old crap!!
    Sorry my friend but I did not bring you a cake, neither am I sending you one by post, rail, Fedex or carrier pigeon, actually I did consider the carrier pigeon but they told me they would eat it on the way so I gave up on that idea. You do deserve cake, lots of cake, but I think you should actually wait until you are seated at a lovely restaurant where your cake can be served with all the trimmings. Go eat a piece of cake for me too, just make sure it is chocolate with a lava center or ganache, that is the only cake worth eating!!!
    Seriously though, congrats on the 500 posts!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thank you! Mmmmmmm…..now I’m hungry. And I just ate dinner lol. I’ll order two cakes. One for me….and another one for me! Good call with not trusting the carrier pigeon. By the time he’d reach me, he’d be ready to backfire if you know what I mean.
      Also, I think you would need more than a peek inside my brain in order to understand it completely haha. It’s weird up there.

      Liked by 1 person

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