Hi there. Paul here.
Question. Answer…daily double.
Sorry, it’s gonna be that kinda post.
You know the section on your stats page that tells you what people type into a search engine to find your blog? Yeah? Yeah?
Alright, well a few weeks ago, someone was brought to my site by searching for, “Did you know there is no proper name for the back of the knee?”
On one hand, I’m honoured. I truly am. Everyone nose that if you kneed help identifying body hearts, eye am the guy you go to-ngue. Wait…
On the other hand, I’m sad that whoever came to my blog looking for an answer to their question, probably didn’t find what they were looking for.
And that just won’t do. I am an all-purpose blog, like flour. You want answers, you come to me. I have all of them. Simple as that.
Therefore, I am going to cover my tracks in case someone is ever brought to my site wondering what the back of their knee is called. Fortunately, I know what it’s called. In fact, there are many names for it! Here they are.
Note: I don’t just play a Doctor on the Internet, I play one in real life, too.
Obviously. You’ve heard of armpits, right?
No wait, I have a better line than that. Let me start this over.
Coming down in 3…2…1…
Obviously! You’ve smelled armpits, right? Well, now you can smell your knee-pit. You might have to be flexible to reach it, but once you get your nose on location like a reporter in the middle of a storm, feel free to sniff away.
If you’re having trouble sniffing it, get a paper towel roll and use it as an extension cord from your nose to your knee-pit. You’re welcome.
2. Knee Man’s Land
It’s the middle of nowhere. Nothing happens there. Actually, I think my Grade 10 History knowledge is all coming back to me nowwww. Shout-out, Celine Dion.
If I recall, in war, no man’s land refers to the place between rival trenches and is often full of barbed wire, mouse traps, rakes – so when you step on them, the handle flies up and hits you in the face, and other undesirable elements.
Yeah, I think that is word for word out of a History textbook.
I don’t know if you can fit a rake in your Knee Man’s Land, but a plastic fork would work.
Also, if you’re a woman, it’s Knee Woman’s Land. So, don’t fret about that, ladies.
3. Where The Knee Has No Name
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
“Paul, you’re off your rocker.”
In fact, I am! My rocking chair is behind me and has stuff on it.
You’re probably also thinking that I stole the name from a U2 song – Where The Streets Have No Name – and just changed a word in order to swindle all of you.
Well, I didn’t. So you can stop with the allegations.
Also, if you want to refer to both of your “where the knee has no name”, you can just look down at them and say, “Hey, you two!”
Get it? Do you get it? Someone wink so I know you get it. Alright, half of you are blinking both of your eyes right now and explaining that you can’t wink.
Question: Are people who can’t wink, unable to whistle, as well?
Answers on a postcard, thank you.
4. The Great Kneehemoth
Intimidating, isn’t it? That’s why our nose is on our face, it’s too scared of The Great Kneehemoth to be located any closer.
That’s why we have a hole on our stomachs that we call “belly buttons”. That’s where our nose is actually supposed to go. Makes sense, right? The nose would be in a neutral part of our body. But no. It got frightened and ran to our face.
Voldemort’s nose is still on his stomach, in case you were wondering.
What the hell am I writing?
They say a person named Paul came up with this name for the back of the knee. And the universal rule is: if you create something, you’re allowed to name it after yourself.
In health class they teach you that the Kneeanderpaul is located directly below your Thighbrary.
Oh yeah, the full term for your “thigh” is “thighbrary”.
Somebody stop me.
This is the final one. The back of your knee is like a ladder. It constantly needs to be held. It’s so Kneedy.
Before you’re even knee deep in a dilemma, you’re always “back of knee deep” in it.
Trust me, the physics prove that to be true. Someone did a study and came up with angles and schematics and apple piethagorean theorems for it. The back of your knee always needs help before the front of your knee.
Especially when you fall backwards.
Therefore, it is Kneedy.
And this concludes the educational portion of this blog post.
Alright guys. I have no idea what I just wrote (amkneesia?) but it only took me 20 minutes. No one can make up that much stuff in 20 minutes, so it must be true.
That being said, I’d like to end this with a short anecdote.
When I was a kid and had the chicken pox, I was at the point in my life where all I wanted to do was hop in a box and drive it around my house.
We all had that stage right? Pretending we’re a race car driver, until we see a family member and immediately turn into a taxi.
“Er, would you like a ride to the kitchen? There’s lots of space…uhh…in the glove compartment. We can take the highway. ”
Anyways, I had chicken pox and hopped in a box,
like a fox jumping on rocks. but when I did, I scratched one of them. It was located on my right leg, on the back of my knee, but in the right corner of it.
So if you’re trying to figure out where exactly that is, since my directions were terrible, go ahead and bend your right leg back. The chicken pox (pock?) (WAIT A MINUTE…pock pock pa gawk!) (CHICKEN POX NOISES) that was scratched was located right at the corner, where the top of your leg meets the bottom.
It’s an intersection, basically.
Well, because it was scratched, the chicken pock pock pa gawk never went away. It’s still there today, actually, though it’s less obvious than it used to be.
No, it’s not red. It’s my skin colour (I’m not Elmo). But if you run your finger over that part of my leg (
I’ll do a meet and greet one day for this specific purpose) you’ll feel a small bump.
Anyways, that’s it. I’m terrified to reread this, but go forth and use the terminology I have taught you here today.
The world kneeds to nose.