1. In a perfect world, all french fries would be the same length.
2. Every time I open a new pack of tennis balls, I just stand there sniffing them. This sounded less creepy in my head.
3. Last year I predicted that people would proclaim they are as single as a T. Swift jingle, and it would become a big worldwide cliché. It hasn’t happened.
4. I spelled the word “occasion” wrong in a tweet the other day and didn’t notice it for many hours. Subconsciously, I just wanted the letter “s” to feel as important as the letter “c“. Occassion.
4.5 I think I just gave the letter “s“ a participation trophy.
5. Nap now, procrastinate later.
6. If the air conditioning is on but you still feel hot, take a hairdryer, set it to “cool” and blow yourself with it. Again, that sounded less creepy in my head.
8. I’m writing this while listening to the 2CELLOS version of With or Without You. It is splendid.
9. Not all superheroes wear capes. Some wear drapes, especially on Halloween.
10. I have so many blog ideas and not enough time to do all of them. Somebody help me.
11. What do you call it when you switch seats at a concert?
11.5 Musical Chairs.
12. With or without youuuuuuu. Sorry. It’s addicting.
13. At least three times a week I find myself Googling the meaning of text abbreviations I see on Twitter. Doing so makes me feel hip with da kidz.
15. Every Church should have a newsletter called, “In The Pews”.
16. You know those billboards that list all the names of places within a particular plaza? Well, they should add fake places to the billboard so people actually take time to stare at them.
17. If you don’t sing, “Ba na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye” when you throw out a banana peel, you’re doing life wrong.
18. Donner Pass.
19. There are people in this world with so much to offer, but nowhere to offer it.
20. I’m almost done Season 9 of Friends. The hints at a Ross and Monica incest storyline have been there since Season 1. STOP IT.
21. I can’t stress this enough: I’m amazing at mini-putt.
22. We can’t be friends if you rub the top of your pizza slice against a plate in order to get the sauce off.
23. I still remember the day my flip phone died on me. My first reaction was to call home with it to notify my family. But I couldn’t because it was broken. Useless.
23.5 That being said, it still sits in my closet, wondering why it isn’t “smart” enough for this generation.
24. The first time someone told me my humour was dry, I was offended. I wanted to soak them with water.
24.5 I didn’t understand what dry humour was. I just did it.
25. Apparently the world is supposed to end today when we get hit by Planet X. I only learned about this three days ago. That’s not enough time to schedule my last meal. Next time, I want 7-10 business days.
26. “Hey, what three people would you go to dinner with if you could choose anyone, alive or dead?” It’s time to retire this question, guys. I’ve realized I have no care in the world for anyone’s answer.
27. Out of all the words we could’ve used to describe two people that look alike, we chose “Doppleganger”? There really is no hope in this world, is there?
28. I don’t want to see a close-up of your bare feet on social media.
29. Sometimes I’ll see things on Instagram and immediately start brainstorming ways I can take the same photo of myself, but in a mocking manner.
Then I have to wait six months to post it so people don’t know I’m mocking them.
30. There are different kinds of conversations that we have with people. Some people are on our wavelength and the back and forth is like a swing in the park. Other conversations are a constant struggle, like getting on a teeter totter when someone else is already on the other side.
31. I always thought that by a certain age, I’d be expected to write everything in cursive. It felt like something adults did.
32. Dogs sniff their butts in public and people think it’s adorable. Meanwhile, humans can’t even look at their own armpit, let alone sniff it, without everyone taking a step back.
32.5 Such a double standard.
33. All Ball Call Doll Fall Gall Hall Loll..ipop Lollipop Loll Loll Loll Lollipop Mall Paul Saul Tall Y’all
34. Life is exactly like professional wresting and I’ve been meaning to write a blog post about it, but complaining about scented hand soaps was a more pressing issue.
35. What were they feeding Big Bird? Tires or hula-hoops?
36. Elmo doesn’t have ears. GUYS, ELMO DOESN’T HAVE EARS.
37. I never understood how my dad could hear a song and pinpoint exactly when it came out. Now I do.
38. Shouldn’t the phrase, “Fork it over” actually be “Spoon it over”? Spoons can hold more and they’re easier to unload.
39. Fruit flies will get’cha.
40. A crocodile coming through the toilet used to be one of my fears.
40.5 Then I flushed the toilet and a flock of bugs appeared out of nowhere and washed down the sides of the toilet with the water.
40.75 It’s been a spooky summer.
41. Spring into Spring. Dumber in the Summer. Fall into Fall. Complain about wet socks in your boots and mall shoppers in Winter.
42. Looking back, the 60 pack of Pencil Crayons was such a money grab. Every kid knew that Poppy Red was the best red; the other three red options were what we offered to other kids when they asked us to share.
43. Every time I want orange juice, I have to remind myself the three day sore throat that follows, isn’t worth it.
44. I do Sudoku puzzles on the hardest difficulty on the internet because I’m a riot at parties.
45. There aren’t enough hours in a day and there aren’t enough characters permitted in tweets on Twitter. I always need about 4 more of each.
46. I either stay up late blogging, watching wrestling videos, researching true crime mysteries, or reading conspiracy theories on Wikipedia. There is no in between.
46.5 Be my friend.
47. On a religion test in high school, I had to explain what “Salt of the earth” meant. Pretty sure I said, “It’s people who add flavour to life.” Am I wrong?
47.5 That was one of those questions where everyone knows the answer, but it’s hard to put into words.
48. I don’t know how to do long division anymore.
49. The pickles at the top of the jar never taste as good as the ones in the middle and at the bottom.
50. One more time. Music’s got me feeling so free. We’re gonna celebrate. Celebrate and dance so free, one more time. Music’s got me feeling so free. We’re gonna celebrate. Celebrate and dance so free, one more time. Music’s got me feeling so free. We’re gonna celebrate. Celebrate and dance so free, one more time. Music’s got me feeling so free. We’re gonna celebrate. Celebrate and dance so free, one more time. Music’s got me feeling so free. We’re gonna celebrate. Celebrate and dance so free, one more time. Music’s got me feeling so free. We’re gonna celebrate. Celebrate and dance so free, ONE MORE TIME.
Follow me on Twitter @CappyTalks for daily thoughts just like these.