I Saw It

I did something last Monday that I haven’t done in five years. Quick, think in your head what that might be. Some of you already know, so in your case, act stupid. It shouldn’t be hard. Sorry! That was a joke. But seriously, act stupid.

Time’s up.

You might want to hold onto your overalls for the big reveal. Actually, overalls aren’t really things that fly off easily, are they? Can we perform a case study on that?

Anyways, I went to a movie theatre.

The last movie I saw in theatres was the first Hunger Games film in 2012. I’m still not sure how I got talked into going to that.

If you’ve been paying attention to my previous blog posts, you’ll know that I’m not much of a movie person. Sure, I’ll reference Harry Potter sometimes, but notice I never go in depth?

I simply don’t remember what all of the Harry Potter movies are about. I just remember moments.

As for other films, I don’t really care.

I’ve never seen Star Wars.

Lord of the Rings is way too long for me to even think about watching.

I’ve seen one superhero film and it was Spider-Man 2.

I refer to Fast and the Furious as “Fat and Furious”, which would describe me at Pizza Hut buffet when they don’t have apple dessert pizza. Chris knows. Hey Chris!

My wheelhouse of movie knowledge lies within: Space Jam, Mrs. Doubtfire, Home Alone 1 & 2, Angels in the Outfield, and the Mighty Duck trilogy. I’m sure I’m missing some.

Basically any movie made before the year 2000. I’m an old soul. Eventually, I’ll just be old.

Throw in a bunch of sports movies and horror films I watched in high school and you have the only movies that interest me.

Oh, and the majority of the Family Channel movies between 2000 – 2008.

That’s it.

People lose their french fries over movies like Captain America and remakes of a reboot of a 40-year-old film. I don’t understand. That’s not where my interests lie.

Some people know actors and what movies they’ve been in; I know athletes and what teams they’ve played on.

If someone tells me about a movie and says, “You should watch it!”, they might as well tell me to snuggle up next to 500 mosquitos and bring chocolate strawberries because it ain’t happening.

But on Monday, I went to the movie theatre with my sister to watch It.

Remember how I said I watched horror films in high school? That was because I took a Horror Fiction class. One of the movies we watched was the 1990 version of It.

Over the last few years, I’ve collected gift certificates and coupons for the movie theatre. I don’t know how that happened, but I’m not going to complain about going to the movies for free. I’ve been waiting for a movie to catch my interest.

If it’s free, give it to me. If I have to pay, go away. – Life Motto

The movie on Monday was at 6:30. I felt like a fish out of a toilet bowl – naked and afraid. So I let my sister take the wheel. She knew to do that as soon as I asked her beforehand: “What do you even say to the person at the counter to get your ticket?”

I had my stupid pants on that day.

So we go in, and the place is deserted. No joke, my first thought was: “This is amazing. Now I can blog about how overrated the movies are and how no one goes anymore, and how I was five years ahead of this downturn.”

Then I was reminded that it was a Monday and people were probably waiting for half-price Tuesday, or a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

Darn.

But the moment movie theatres start to go obsolete, I’m going to be the first one on that soapbox.

My sister went to get a buffalo chicken wrap; I went for the free popcorn and drink that came with the coupon.

I had to pay $1.10 for butter. That bothered me. In 20 years when I take my kid to the movie theatre, butter will probably cost $3.00 and I’ll go into a “Back in my day” rant.

By this point, we were still the only ones in the entire place.

And then I was introduced to a touch screen machine that dispensed soft drinks. It was the most futuristic thing I’ve seen since the spork.

You had to tap on the brand of drink you wanted and then scroll through all of the different flavours. It was very unsanitary. You know how many grubby butter fingers have probably touched that machine?

I wasn’t amused.

After a hassle and a half, coke finally filled my cup and I put a three foot straw in it. The straw was literally three feet long. Don’t ask questions.

We go to the theatre and sit above the exit. Back middle is overrated because I said so.

Sitting above the exit allows you to put your feet up. Also, I like corners. I can’t explain it. Sitting next to a wall is comfortable for me. That was a weird thing to say, wasn’t it?

No one was in the theatre. We were the first ones there.

I sat in my chair and immediately felt like I had sat on a toilet seat while the lid was up. I was sinking into a hole. These chairs reclined and had the customary fold down seat.

I insisted my chair was broken and tested out another seat in the row.

Without question, I looked like an idiot. Again, stupid pants were present.

As it turned out, I realized that I don’t actually know how to sit, and my chair wasn’t broken.

After about seven minutes, this guy appeared out of nowhere and walked down the aisle and out of the theatre.

WHAT!? THERE WAS ANOTHER PERSON IN HERE!?

We couldn’t stop laughing.

Mainly because I made a fool of myself with the whole “this chair is broken, I’m going to play musical chairs to find a chair that is just right” skit.

Another human being, unrelated to me, saw the whole thing.

Great.

The theatre eventually filled up. There was a grand total of 13 people in there. Are we sure movie theatres are still popular?

There were two girls who yelled at the movie screen on multiple occasions. And no, they weren’t yelling at the screen out of fear. They were using obscenities to question why certain characters would do certain things.

Oh yeah, did I mention there was a kid in there with his mom? The kid was probably 11 or 12.

Halfway through the movie, my sister nudged me and said, “Hey Paul, this girl in the next aisle is drinking her popcorn.”

At first I thought, why didn’t I think of putting my three inch straw in the popcorn to slurp up the butter. That’s genius.

Then I looked over.

She was clearly at the bottom of the bag where all the crumbs reside, and had the bag at about a 120 degree angle – essentially turning it into a ramp – and was pouring it into her mouth.

Again, we couldn’t stop laughing.

She did this for about five minutes. It was great entertainment. I was getting my money’s worth.

Reminder: I got in for free.

I should also mention, this same person was regularly on their cellphone throughout the movie. My heart ached for the buttery phone screen.

Before the movie started, I set the over/under at 3.5 people leaving the theatre during the movie. Every time someone left, I counted it on my fingers to make it official.

Five people left the theatre during the movie. They all came back, eventually.

Back when I was a kid, I got sick while watching a Harry Potter movie because I had consumed two personal pan pizzas, a small popcorn, and a large drink, by the time the previews had ended.

I know a thing or two about leaving a movie theatre mid-movie. It’s not fun. Especially when you’re sitting on the side opposite the exit.

My bag of popcorn on Monday worked up an appetite. I came home and had leftover pizza at 9PM. That’s the kind of person I am.

This is me eating popcorn. Pay close attention to the chewed up popcorn already in my mouth because that’s exactly what I want people to focus on.

Oh, about the movie.

It is about a clown who terrorizes children. It is not about an IT guy who fixes computers, and no one says “I.T. phone home.” Disappointing, I know.

By the way, I’ve never seen E.T.

Also, James Corden did a bit on his show the other night where a person in an office called for the IT guy, but Pennywise the clown showed up instead. I’m furious they beat me to that joke. I had been sitting on it since Monday.

In all seriousness, I thought the movie was really well done, but I didn’t find it scary. I think I laughed more throughout the film than I expected. Part of that was from Ms. Popcorn Drinker, but also, some lines in the film were laugh-worthy.

And movies with children who can act well, normally go over well.

I found it ironic that a clown named Pennywise lived in a house that was located in Canada (in real life), yet Canada took the penny out of circulation about four years ago.

That’s right, we don’t have pennies anymore. So the Canadian version of this clown deserves a raise, if you ask me.

Nickelwise.

You’ll all be proud to know that I didn’t check my phone once during the 2 hours and 15 minutes I was forced to stare at a big screen. Though I must admit, I was getting restless by the end. I needed to stretch my legs.

Movies should have a 7th inning stretch. Just a thought.

I’ll probably return to a theatre later this year to watch Murder on the Orient Express.

Until then, I’ll be over here saying the word “cinematography” until my lips fall off.

Have you seen It? What did you think? 

Do you have any funny stories from going to the movies?