Paulo’s Kitchen: Peanut Butter Samwich

The following episode of Paulo’s Kitchen is dedicated to my friend, Ely, who is bracing for the impact of Hurricane Irma. Stay safe, Ely.

Previously on Paulo’s Kitchen, Cameraman Sam got under Paulo’s skin during filming.

“Up shut it, Samson!”

“Shut up your face, Samuel!”

“That’s enough out of you, Sam Antonio!”

“SAMBRERO!”

Tonight, Chef Paulo and Sam are back in the same room for the first time since they, allegedly, fought over who got to the stall in the washroom at work first. Will Sam keep his mouth shut? Will Paulo shut it for him? Find out, NEXT.

Ciao! Bonjour! And hello! Welcome back, Paulomaniacs! I am Chef Paulo and this is my kitchen!

Thank you for joining me. I hope you brought your appetite. If not, eh, what can you do? And no, I don’t have extra appetites to give out. I don’t give out freezies! Oh wait, I mean freebies! And freezies! Neither of them!

Anyways, BYOA. Bring your own appetite!

Cameraman Sam: I brought my appetite, Chef Paulo!

Oh, stop sucking up to me, Samerican.

Alright, today I will be making one of my favourites. I’ve been having this dish since I was a little lad. I know, it’s hard to believe I was once little.

I will be making a Peanut Butter Sandwich!

Sam: That’s hardly a “dish”.

And you’re hardly a cameraman!

Sam: What’s your point?

I point with my finger, Sampton! Enough out of you!

Okay, where was Chef Paulo…oh yes, Peanut Butter Sandwich!

Here is what you will need:

– A jar of Peanut Butter
– Two pieces of white bread
– A spreader

Sam: Spreader? I hardly knew h…

NO! SAMSTERDAM! This is a PG show! Put a fork in it!

Sam: Don’t you mean, “Put a cork in it”?

Hey, big mouth, if I had a rake to shove down your throat, I would….uh….not do that. I’d rake leaves.

Sam: In a kitchen?

Quiet! The executives are watching.

Anywho’s clues, back to my list.

Oh..it looks like we covered everything. You only need three things. Chef Paulo is not a fan of jam. It’s not my jam. Haha, get it? Do you get the joke? I practised that one on my barber and they said I should use it.

Okay, let me begin.

Step 1: Take two pieces of white bread out of the freezer. We here keep our bread in a freezer so it stays fresh. Grab any two pieces, except the end pieces.

Step 2: Wait for the bread to thaw. To speed up the process, Chef Paulo likes to hold them up to the lightbulbs in the fan above the stove. The heat will make the bread not cold.

Sam: Not cold?

Yes! Not cold. It’s science. I’m the Bill Nye of the kitchen. Bill Nye the French Fry! That’s me!

Sam: You look more like an onion ring.

Mah! That’s it! We need to go to commercial.

Paulo starts to tear up.

Go to commercial, NOW!

Commercial #1
Do you like coffee? Is it the first thing you drink in the morning? Would you prefer talking to your coffee, more than actual people? Well, now you can! Introducing the coffee mug of the future – Scoff2Mee. Scoff2Mee is a coffee mug that talks! Sitting in a coffee shop and see an old enemy walk in and feel the need to hide your face, but still want to mutter obscenities? Pretend to take a sip out of your Scoff2Mee cup and voice your displeasure. Scoff2Mee will reply to you with comforting things like, “Don’t worry, they’re going to trip over their feet and spill their drink all over the place.”

Scoff2Mee – Share a scoff with your coff.

Wow! Chef Paulo could use one of those!

Sam: Is it because you get lonely?

You said you wouldn’t mention that again! I mean…no. It just seems friendly.

Back to the recipe.

With the magic of television, we have two pieces of bread that are ready to be peanut buttered.

Step 3: Twist open the jar of peanut butter. Be sure not to sprain your wrist. The doctor won’t believe you when you tell him.

Step 4: Grab your spreader and stick it in the peanut butter jar.

Sam: Woah, PG show!

Paulo chases Sam around the studio with a wooden spoon. Filming has been put on hold.

And we’re back! Paulo is a bit winded, so we’re going to take another break. Take it away, commercial!

Commercial #2
Are you always running late? Is traffic always moving too slow for you? Do you sneak into the office and hope no one notices when you’re five minutes late? It sounds like you need a Work Double! For the low cost of $5.36 per month, you can hire a Work Double! They will sit at your desk and look productive, while hiding their face, until you sneak into the office five minutes late with your fresh cup of Scoff2Mee. Work Doubles don’t get caught, they get busy.

Never get in trouble, hire a Work Double!

Oh man, Chef Paulo could use a Work Double. I need someone who can chase Samurai around so I don’t look sweaty on TV.

Sam: You always look sweaty on TV.

Have you no manners!?

Step 5: Now, we’re going to smear the peanut butter onto the first piece of bread. Make sure the peanut butter goes all the way to the corners. We are looking to maximize surface area. Again, it’s science. Like Bill Nye the French Fry.

Sam: BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!

Step 6: Hokey pokey, now we do the second piece of bread. Same thing, right to the corners. Make sure you use enough peanut butter so when you taste it, it’s nice and gooey.

Step 7: Close the jar of peanut butter and put the spreader in the sink for someone else to clean. Peanut butter smells bad when combined with warm water. Chef Paulo’s beak can’t handle it.

Bam! A peanut butter sandwich!

Sam: That’s not even a sandwich! You didn’t put it together! You didn’t cut anything. It’s incomplete!

Listen here, ninsampoop, this is how Paulo eats his peanut butter sandwich!

Buuuut, I mean, I am open to suggestions. Feel free to come over here and help me make it into a sandwich that you would eat.

Sam: Are you serious?

Yes, Sam. Come here.

Sam: You…you called me Sam.

I did! Come finish the sandwich.

Sam leaves his camera and goes on set to stand with Chef Paulo.

Okay Sam, how would you finish making this sandwich?

Sam: Well first, I would add….AHHHHHH

Paulo took both pieces of bread and stuck them on Sam’s ears.

Ahahah! There it is! A Peanut Butter Samwich! How’s it feel, Samster? I finally got you, hotline and sinker.

Sam: YOU IDIOT! IT’S HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER! I HAVE PEANUT BUTTER IN MY EARS!

Ah, a hook, you say? Well, they do say that revenge is a fish best served cold. And you…

Sam: DISH!

Finally, you agree! This is a dish! A Peanut Butter Samwich for everyone to enjoy!

Well, that’s it for this edition of Paulo’s Kitchen. Thank you for tuning in, and I’ll see you next time!