You Gonna Eat That?

Let’s start this post off with a food fight, shall we? We shall.

I don’t like onion rings. I don’t like sweet potato fries. I don’t like cantaloupe. I don’t like poutine. I’ve never had sushi. I’ve never had chocolate milk. I think avocado looks like elephant dung. I think Nutella looks disgusting. And I’ve never had a sip of alcohol.

I should just end this post here and let you guys finish it in the comments section. I’m so tempted.

Nah, I’ll keep going.

The first time I saw an avocado sitting on the counter in the kitchen, I asked why there was elephant dung in the kitchen. Seriously. So that turned me off to it right away.

Then I realized I ate it by accident at a potluck because it was in a salad and that was when I realized I didn’t like it at all.

Please allow me to go on a mini rant about potlucks. Thanks.

Potlucks need to end. I am not interested in everyone bringing the healthiest looking food possible (because they don’t want to admit they eat unhealthy foods), so we can all take small portions of it, only to be starving by the end of it. Stop. It’s madness.

No one wants your veggie platter – that you picked up from the cold freezer in the produce section at the grocery store – to be the star of the show. Take a poll! An anonymous poll. That is not a meal. That is a snack you crunch on while you’re watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.

And to the people who bring bags of chips to a potluck, what the hell are you doing? Oh, you brought dip? Well that makes it better. Oh wait, IT DOESN’T!

Why are we having baby carrots and sour cream & onion chips? Who’s idea was this?

And then someone has to bring a salad because “these people must not know we eat stuff not grown in a garden”.

And then someone will bring a pot of meatballs for some reason. Hey, I love meatballs. But where is the pasta? Where is the bread to make a meatball sub? Where is the lasagna?

Don’t make me put three small meatballs on a paper plate with mini carrots, salad, and sour cream & onion chips. I’ll do it, but don’t make me.

Oh but everything’s fine – someone will bring a platter of different cheeses with toothpicks in them, and crackers that are laid out so perfectly, you’d think this is a photoshoot for a Ritz commercial.

Then for dessert, we can all indulge in a homemade recipe where, no matter what the item is, we all have to proclaim how good it is exactly 1.3 seconds after putting it in our mouth. That’s protocol. Failure to follow protocol means you’re forced to have another round of baby carrots with meatballs, but there will be no more meatballs, so it’s just baby carrots.

If you host a potluck, or are the one suggesting it, you’re the one responsible for providing the main course. All these items I just named will be acceptable as long as there is a main course.

I don’t care what anyone says. I’m not walking out of there having a pinch from seven side dishes and no real meal. That’s ridiculous.

I could go on, but that’s my rant on potlucks.

Onion rings. What do people see in them?

At my university there was a Harvey’s – for you non-Canadians, it’s a burgers and fries fast food chain. I ordered a burger, fries, and a drink. A classic combo. They told me they ran out of fries and asked if I wanted onion rings.

I knew I didn’t want onion rings, but what was I going to do, just eat the burger? No. I gave in and accepted the onion rings.

It’s important to note, I had had onion rings before this. I knew I didn’t like them. But I was willing to give them another chance.

I ate one and it ruined my whole meal. There was not enough Pepsi in my cup to wash that horrid taste out of my mouth. I ate my burger and didn’t taste it, or the cheese, lettuce, tomato, onions, or mayonnaise, that were in it.

All I tasted was that darn lone wolf of an onion ring.

That was five years ago. Never again. I will not waste my stomach space on such a foul tasting food.

Let’s move on to sweet potato fries.

Again, I was at school. A new cafeteria had just opened up and the place had a rustic vibe to it. I liked it. I ordered a burger and fries. They didn’t have fries and offered me sweet potato fries. I said yes.

It’s important to note, I didn’t know what sweet potato fries were.

When my burger was done, they went to put the fries on my plate and with my poor vision, it looked like they were putting carrots on my plate. What are these orange things they’re giving me?

Then they came to the counter and handed me my meal. They were fries. Orange fries.

I knew I hated them before I even tasted them. Sure enough, I ate a few and they were just as bad as I thought they would be. Not even ketchup could salvage them.

Never again.

Cantaloupe. More like, Cantanope!

The first time I tried cantaloupe, I was around 10-years-old? I was young. My dad gave me a piece and I instantly ran to the garbage to spit it out. The gag reflexes were strong on that one.

A few months ago, I tried a piece of honeydew melon for the first time. I knew it would taste like cantaloupe, but I gave it a chance just in case it didn’t.

It tasted like cantaloupe.

Here comes the gag. And there goes the Paul…to the garbage.

I just can’t do it. Awful taste. And if I have to gag every time I eat it, then I’d rather kiss a toilet seat.

Poutine.

I’m Canadian, so you’d think I’d like poutine. It’s french fries, covered in gravy and cheese.

Listen, I like dipping fries in gravy. Nothing wrong with that. But when you flood them with gravy and throw cheese on top if it, no thanks.

I’ve tried it before. I got through about four fork-fulls before throwing it out. For a Canadian food, it felt very American.

When it comes to sushi, I’ve been told to try it so many times, that I’m now just in a stand-off with it because I don’t want to give in to other people’s commands.

Also, it looks gross. And I say that as someone who enjoys sardines.

Sushi is one of those foods that I know I won’t like.

“Oh but Paul, how will you know for sure if you never try it?”

Stop. I’ve been judging inanimate objects by how they look for my entire life. I’m pretty good at it. If you don’t believe me, just come with me the next time I need to buy clothes. I make the quickest decisions and they’re always right.

There is no, “I don’t know which shirt to pick.” There is no, “Do these pants match?”

I see something and it’s an immediate yes or no. There is no in between.

I’m the same way with food.

Sushi is on the “do not fly” list. Do you understand that analogy? You see, some people put food on their fork and say, “Here comes the airplane” before putting it in their mouth. Sushi is not allowed on the fork, for me.

I say “fork”, because I’ve tried to learn how to use chopsticks and I just can’t figure it out. They also gave me a splinter once, so I still hold that against them. Ha, HOLD. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

And don’t tell me to practice with pens. I’m a method actor eater. Who holds two pens in one hand? Not someone about to put sushi in their mouth, I know that much.

Chocolate milk. I have no interest. You could put a million dollars in front of me and say it would be mine if I drank a glass of chocolate milk, and I’d sit there and try to negotiate it down to “a sip of chocolate milk for one million dollars.”

That’s how minuscule my interest is in chocolate milk.

Same goes for alcohol. No interest.

Nutella. Oh God.

Alright, in elementary school this kid would bring a Nutella sandwich to school for lunch. I didn’t know it was Nutella until years later when I put two and two together. I just thought it was chocolate smeared on bread. It looked disgusting. And then he ate it…

He got it all over his mouth, stuck between his teeth, and on his hands.

It was like that kid in Matilda who eats the cake with his hands, but less heroic and a solid 10 on the “Am I Gonna Hurl?” scale.

So that initial image of Nutella has always been stuck in my head, but even if it wasn’t, I prefer peanut butter.

I wouldn’t call myself a picky eater. Not at all. Google says a picky eater is someone who is reluctant to try new foods. I’m not reluctant. I’m defiant. But mainly selective.

Who says I have to eat something because other people eat it?

Am I not allowed to decide what I want to eat? It’s opportunity cost. If I eat one food, there’s less space for the rest.

If I want to eat sushi, I will eat sushi. But I don’t, so I don’t. It’s really as simple as that.

I think I eat a wide variety of foods. It’s not like I’m eating the same three things every day. I would get tired of that.

It’s just that I don’t eat things I don’t like and I don’t care to try things that my eyes tell me I won’t enjoy. That’s all.

I look forward to your comments.

Oh, one last thing before I go.

Brunch is the worst. Fight me.

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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65 Responses to You Gonna Eat That?

  1. Tanushka says:

    I really want to fight with you but the fact that you openly challenge me to fight as if you are expecting it unables me to do so because I can’t give you the satisfaction of recieving what you expected urgh it’s a trap.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sumaica Asad says:

    I can’t believe that you don’t like Nutella. Damn that kid who ruined it for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ashley says:

    I don’t like most of the stuff you mentioned either. Sushi is raw fish, why do you even want to risk getting sick over that? Canteloupe is just gross and alcohol’s stupid.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. peckapalooza says:

    You may have just described every potluck I’ve ever been to. And I grew up in a Southern Baptist church, so I’ve been to a LOT of potlucks.

    I’m with you on the avocados. And anything even closely related to guacamole. For me, I think it’s a texture thing. It’s like someone handed me a bowl and said, try this green silly putty mixture, it’s delish! I also don’t like chocolate. Just the smell of peanut butter makes me gag. Most vegetables don’t do anything for me, unless they’re deeply buried inside a casserole that tastes overwhelmingly of chicken and/or cheese. Oh, and I’m with you on the cantaloupe, too. What makes cantaloupe so special? The thing that bugs me is that it’s got such an overpowering flavor, that if someone sneaks cantaloupe cubes into their fruit salad, all the other fruit comes out tasting like cantaloupe! Very frustrating. Maybe I wanted to eat a grape that tastes like a grape. Is that too much to ask?!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Yes! It’s the green silly putty mixture I can’t stand too. It looks like if you put grass in a blender and added milk. I like peanut butter on bread or with crackers. I hate when its mixed with chocolate and I don’t know how some people can eat it straight out of the jar with a spoon. Cantaloupe is a party pooper. It wants to stand out with its flavour but its just so terrible that it stands out for the wrong reasons.

      Good food analysis, let’s do this again some time.

      Like

  5. Dutch Lion says:

    You’re the best Paul. As usual, you write the things I think about. In general, I agree with everything you wrote. I don’t agree with each and every item you listed of course but I respect all of your views. Anyway, let me just expand on one topic: potlucks. Potlucks are the worst! They should be outlawed. I just can’t get over the thought of “Marge” in her dirty kitchen baking some sort of caserole. Her hair falls into the dish as she sneezes and wipes her nose on the towel. Then a cat walks by on the countertop and she pets it. Whiskers fly! Hairballs are flying all over the caserole. Who KNOWS what Marge truthfully or accidentally did in her kitchen? Then she brings it to work, leaves it sitting out in front of 20 co-workers for a couple of hours with dust from the gigantic, industrial style air conditioners that have never been cleaned since OSHA was last there…….in 2008. So then your “friends” pick up the meatballs et al, accidentally drop some into the caserole, look around quickly hoping that nobody noticed, then they remove the meatball and pretend it never happened. Ughsauce! I could go on but I think you get my point. Potlucks……..they stink.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Hahahaha this was a great rant! I can picture everything you explained and I’ve experienced stuff that comes close to it. You’re right, we don’t know how someone prepared the food or what their standard is when it comes to cleanliness. And then there are the tongs, those always get sticky right where you grab them. Just order pizza and call it a day.

      Liked by 1 person

    • MagLyM says:

      Exactly! Spot on!

      Liked by 2 people

  6. artichokes, I can enjoy just about any food (even stinkbug stinky stinkface coriander is ok in enough coconut milk). But artichokes – ugh. Oh yuk, the thought of them, I need to go brush my teeth!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I don’t think I’ve ever had artichokes now that I think of it. They don’t look appealing at all and now with your input on them, I don’t think I’ll be eating them any time soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Angela says:

    You like pizza, that’s the main thing!! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Rea says:

    Ok. Time for my long list of opinions.

    -I have to agree with you on the sweet potato fries. It’s an insult to the original fry. My grandmother dips them in mayo. Can someone say, “BARF!” I was so disgusted.
    -Now, I don’t like cantaloupe, but I won’t gag if I accidentally eat it in a fruit salad or something (unless it’s mushy).
    -NUTELLA?!?!?! That is the best thing in the world! Who wouldn’t want an excuse to eat (basically) chocolate for lunch? Also, if you put it on a banana it tastes amazing.
    -Avocado is ok. I like guacamole, but that’s it. And how do you know that avocado looked like elephant dung?
    -Onion rings? Really man? Why you gotta be hating on onion rings? They are so good! Outback has the Blooming Onion (which is basically onion rings without the “ring”) and this amazing spicy dipping sauce. Yum. I was really offended reading your oppressive comments against these angels (not really. It’ll take a lot for you to offend me).
    -Poutine? That sounds glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ve dipped fries in gravy before (has to be white gravy. The other gravy just doesn’t have the same effect), but throwing cheese on top? Beautiful. “Is there anything on this plate that’s not swimming in gravy?”
    -Chocolate milk. What happened to your childhood?
    -Sushi. Gross. My dad loves it and made me eat it once. He also made me eat escargot which he tricked me into eating and I also hated that.
    -Alcohol. Smells awful, so why should it taste good?

    Feels good to go on a little rant.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Laura says:

    We were supposed to go to a potluck yesterday. (Not by choice. I wasn’t the organizer.) And because I’d had the week from hell and hadn’t given one single thought to what we’d BRING to said potluck we were all staring at each other like Uh Oh. And I worried for precisely 1/2 second as we pulled through Bojangles to pick up an enormous order of fried chicken and biscuits — because who brings Heart Attack Food to a potluck? — but then I stopped worrying. Because I like fried chicken.
    The End.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I have eaten a donut burger. One of my favorite foods is pizza with macaroni on it. I had fried chicken with my breakfast this morning. And yet somehow, poutine sounds too American even for me. Who decided that THAT was a Canadian staple? Honestly, I thought you guys had more integrity.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. paulifeblog says:

    Regarding the pot luck, you need better friends (or at least some foodie friends). Last potluck I went to everyone brought a four course meal, holy smokes so much good food. Though to your point it seems like there is no middle ground with pot lucks and yes everyone is judging and being judged by what they bring.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      A four course meal from everyone! Man I’m missing out. It always feels like people bring as few items as possible because they’re afraid people won’t like it and then it’ll be a waste. So then they go the safe route with veggie platters and cheeses.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. You hate everything I love😭😭 Except sushi, I hate it. But I never had poutine so I can’t comment on that πŸ€”

    I have a love hate relationship with avacado. You know what I think it tastes like? I think it tastes like what a hard boiled egg would taste like if it was a vegetable!!! But avacado is technically a fruit so…I’m off to bed PaulπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Liz says:

    I just laughed the entire way through that post. From a self proclaimed picky eater (gluten free low carb vegetarian) I don’t blame you. If I don’t like it, I’m not eating it! That being said, I like most of the foods you don’t ha!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Ely says:

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ it took me a whole day later to read this because well- life. And now I feel like I maybe pressured you into this post because I drove you UP THE WALL with our food discussion on Friday and my groceries-to-force-on-Paul list πŸ˜‚πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ but it’s good to get this type of stuff off our plates (pun). Aside from the sushi, I will give you full credit on cantaloupe, honeydew, and Nutella. Now with regards to avocado… I was hung up on it until now. Now I’m dung up on it. So thanks. I’ll never look at it the same again and also, I’m going to have to google elephant dung, because is it light GREEN?!?!?! And if the avacadoes you’ve encountered are brown- then THAT would be the problem, friend and your judgement would then be void.
    Anyhow- I DO hope you’ve had better snacks since Friday πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚ HAPPY MONDAY!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha this post was always going to be written but our discussion gave me the extra motivation. I truthfully have no idea what colour elephant dung is. But elephants are big and I’m assuming so is their waste. Approximately avocado size. That’s how I’d explain it to aliens, at least. The people/person in my family who eats avocado always waits for it to get dark before spreading it. I’m gonna throw up just typing that. I made a pizza for myself last night. I should’ve kissed it, it was so good.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        πŸ˜‚ ha! So many vivid mental images here oh my dear lord, how will I ever eat an avocado again now?! And I can absolutely have guessed that you love pizza enough to make out with it. Yep. Totally. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚ glad you got a decent meal!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Pizza is my number 1. And 2. And 3. Lolol now when you look at avocados you’ll think of me and elephant dung. How pleasant.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. Ely says:

    Also. Potlucks are the devil. SO PATHETIC! I wanna fight the person who always bring Hawaiian bread rolls and a spinach dip. Someone please hold me back! And that Poutine stuff sounds like dung. I’m just saying! I’m more of a “I’ll bring the plastic cups plates and utensils” type of gal. Fancy. I know. I know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Spinach dips can be put in a catapult and sent to Mars. Good for you! The plates and utensils person is the unsung hero of potlucks. I bet you get those strong plastic cups too and not the dingy kind that lean every which way when you pour stuff in them.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        I did I did!! Are you kidding me your comments are what I live for on this blog. Yes. I am that unsung hero! Without me, you can’t *even* fully enjoy breadless/pastaless meatballs and some carrots or chips. And the cups are always the red plastic ones we like to call “SOLO” cups though I’ve never really understood that slang or it’s origin. Hmm…

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        In Canada we call them Duo cups and two people share them. We care about the environment.

        LOL I’m just kidding, we call them solo cups.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        Omg lmfao I was like… what?! What a coincidence! I’m way too easy lol I wish you could have seen my expression at first lol #sosobaffled

        Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I think you missed my comment on this comment or you just really hated it haha

      Like

  16. Quinn says:

    *carefully removes hoop earrings*
    *takes off rings one by one*
    *Ties hair up in a high ponytail*

    Alright picky eater, let’s do this.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Nicole says:

    Wahh these are all of my favorite foods! If you invite me to a potluck though I’ll make sure to cross veggie trays and bags of chips of my shopping list.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. MagLyM says:

    I have issues with potlucks because I just imagine all the food was made by people that didn’t wash their hands or somehow got hair in the food. Especially dips or chili in crock pots. Who knows what’s in there? I just can’t. I think just once, for all your food bashing, you should eat the sushi with avocado in it. And then let us know what you think. Oh and poutine sounds gross and I thought better of the Canadians. It reminds me when Kentucky Fried Chicken came out with a bowl that was mashed potatoes, then corn, then shredded cheese, then gravy, then chicken on top. All in one bowl, touching each other. My eyes told me I would hate that so I never tried it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Oh yes, I know the day will come where I finally try sushi. I already have my blog post title ready for it when that day comes. I agree, that KFC bowl looked disgusting. I’ll stick to their chicken and fries.

      Like

  19. Ha! This made me chuckle out loud!
    Well, I’m with you on the sweet potato fries…that’s just a ‘never should have been invented’ food and the Poutine sounds yucky! Gravy AND cheese?? – ooh nooooo!
    But I’ll take your challenge sir over Brunch – when it’s a full on fry up (including fried bread of course) it’s gotta be the best meal of the day…

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Barb Knowles says:

    I’m sorry to all Canadians other than Paul, but Poutine sounds disgusting. And I disagree, Paul, without about 1/2 of what you said.
    Ok now I’m cutting to the chase……you have a restaurant chain called Harvey’s in Canada? I’m moving immediately.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Myka says:

    I think it is quite funny that you made a “watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune” reference because it’s 7PM here & Jeopardy just started on my TV. HAHA.
    Everyone tells me I’m picky, but I’m just selective. I am one of those people who eats the same 3 foods – kinda. I do like avocado. & cantaloupe is OK with salt on it. As always, I enjoy the little peek inside your noggin.
    OH ps. No poutine for me either.
    .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

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