A Captain’s Speech

It has come to my attention that in the four years I’ve had this blog, I’ve never actually posted a “captain’s speech”. I’m talking about a speech a captain would give to their team before a game.

Sorry to burst your raft if you thought “Captain” referred to ships. Yes, I’m talking directly to you, Ely. I know you had a buffet of nautical puns ready to go.

As you may be aware, when I was in university, I played intramurals. I was the captain of my team and would bring everyone together in a huddle before the game to give a speech. The speeches were often light and humorous, but with a purpose.

I’d prepare them days in advance. Forget homework, I have a speech to memorize!

One time, I was at dinner with a group of friends who had a co-ed water polo game right after. I wasn’t on the team because it was a sport played in a pool, and I’m not really a fan of pools.

Anyways, they requested a speech, so all dinner I’m sitting there putting one together in my head.

Before they went to get changed, we huddled up in the middle of a hallway (like a bunch of annoying high schoolers would) and I gave them the best 45-second speech I could think of while eating chicken fingers and fries.

Apparently, one of the girls recorded it and played it in the girl’s change room. I still don’t know if that’s cool or creepy. Maybe both?

So I don’t mean to brag, but I’m really good at writing these motivational/funny/heartfelt speeches. Therefore, I’m going to write one right now and give you a taste of the kind of speech I would give.

Note: This speech will be longer than anything I ever did at school, just because there isn’t a time limit here.

“HUDDLE UP!

Alright, take a deep breath. Do you smell that? That’s the smell of soap and deodorant and…Cornflakes cereal? I don’t want to smell that at the end of the game. I want to smell your sweat and I want the other team to smell it too.

This is the big leagues! It doesn’t get much bigger than Sunday morning intramurals. We are a team. That means I am not playing for myself. I am playing for each and every one of you.

If someone is down, you need to pick them up like it’s Thursday night at the club. Reach out your hand and say, “Hey, there is no us without ‘u’.” That is what a teammate does. That is what we do.

We are not here to make friends with the other team. This is not Facebook. There are no friend requests. There are no embarrassing pictures from seven years ago that you forgot about. And there sure as hell aren’t any requests to play Farmville or Candy Crush.

If I’m being honest, I’m not ready for this to be our last game. I’m not ready for this to be our last huddle, sponsored by flowers and spice and everything nice. I’m not ready for lunch yet; I just ate breakfast. I’m not ready for this to be over. So we might as well win and keep going.

It’s a game of inches out there and the other team forgot to bring their rulers. So I say we set the bar and see if they can measure up.

This is our time. This is our game. This is our moment. Let’s take it.

I wouldn’t want to go into battle with anyone else. Let’s go, hands in.

Titans on 4.

1…2…4…TITANS!”

And that is how a captain gives a speech.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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29 Responses to A Captain’s Speech

  1. Angela says:

    I loved it, I feel all pumped and ready to smash a workout in the gym (I’m terrible at real sports) could you do one to make me go for a run? Maybe I could record it and instead of my playlist…. okay I just thought of a business venture for you… you like music , you could make workout training, running playlists and add a Captains Speech after every 4 tracks… you should speak with Spotify!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Huddle Up! Alright Angela, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to walk. You’re going to walk so slow that it feels like you’re going in reverse. Sound like fun!? No! Of course not. So you’re going to run. And when you run it’ll be as if you’re running away from a smelly cat because how dare it try to project it’s odour onto you. Run like the wind, if the wind wore running shoes. You can do it and you will. And when it’s all over, you can have fudge brownies or something.

      How was that? Haha. I like your idea, just hope Spotify feels like paying me!

      Liked by 6 people

  2. Rea says:

    Thanks for this! I have a volleyball scrimmage later tonight and this is very motivational. I will try and share it with my team to get them hyped up. I don’t care if it’s not a “real” game. I will treat it as one

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ely says:

    Omg!!!! Lmfao!!!!! I can’t believe I’m a part of your post. I feel like a background dancer in a music video for someone super cool and famous like Omarion or Chris Brown or something. Ha! And no worries. All of my nautical puns are sitting at the bottom of the deep deep blue.

    Now. This speech. What SPORT ARE YOU SPEECHIN ABOUT?! And I need a speech for cake ok because I’ll be up all night. So now you’re not only going to have write letters to people but also- speeches to motivate them in all of their endeavors. For free. (You did this to yourself BUD!) πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

    You really are a great speecher(?) I guess speaker? Speech Maker? What is the professional term for this? I have so many questions. And do you wear a whistle? Because I totally picture a whistle around your neck. And a clipboard.
    Right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha I knew you’d appreciate the shoutout. For a second there I thought you were going to say backup dancer for Charlie Brown πŸ˜‚

      The hamster in my head is already spinning on its wheel. Give me a few minutes to get chicken wings out of my teeth and I’ll have a speech for you here. To clarify, you’re making cake right? Not eating it? Haha

      I think “speech writer” is the term you’re looking for. This speech could be for multiple sports but the one I had in mind was co-ed slo pitch softball lolol. The most extreme sport of them all. I didn’t have a whistle or a clipboard though I did have both of those things when I worked at a sports camp and told kids what to do lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        Lmfao @ Charlie Brown I’m dying LOL! Yes I’m making a cake. Casino/gambling theme. And I’m making a Nutella buttercream from scratch. May the gods be with me. And speech writer. Yes. It’s the simple things that complicate my life you know? Lol. And I played varsity softball in highschool (as a freshman and sophomore) Not co Ed and not slow pitch… lol it WAS extreme and I was way too small. (I played Outfield and third base) and I never a speech half as good as this! Lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Perfect. I played “extreme” softball growing up and was the self proclaimed best pitcher in the league (because I was). Your speech is gonna be good. Gonna write it now

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        No pressure friend lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Huddle Up!
        Tonight is all about making the decision to operate with precision. Ya dig? Though it may be a casino cake, no gambles shall be taken!

        You are going to bake the cake of your life, and if you don’t like it you can always cut it with a knife (and eat it). The batter will be no simple matter but you’ve done this before. You know what to do. Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it, you won’t be defeated.

        If something goes wrong, you will bake it off because that. is. what. you. do. This is your kitchen. Show those ingredients who’s boss.

        (We interrupt this speech for a short rap)

        Yo yo
        you’re baking a cake
        that ain’t fake
        Nutella buttercream
        oh what a dream
        it’ll light up their mouth
        like a beam
        of light
        it’s tight
        put it in the oven, its in mid-flight
        it’ll grow
        then the world will know
        it’s donezo
        Word.

        Nothing will go wrong if you don’t let it go wrong. Whip that buttercream into shape. Put it on top and BAM you got yourself a cake.

        It is time to roll the dice and hope you’ve got an Ace up your sleeve, or when people eat the cake they’ll frown on their face and leave. But that won’t happen!

        Do good. Bake well. Lick the bowl afterwards.

        Dogspeed.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Ely says:

        I’m SPEECHLESS!!!! You went HAM friend πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ wow!!! I think I’m gonna have to frame this! Put it up on my kitchen wall! This is the best thing anyone has ever done for me lmfao! At the very least, I’m going to post this! Holy cake! So SO impressive. Thank you for taking the time to do this you’re such a genius lmao and how you did it rap form! I’m kind of obsessed hahahah! Just speechless!! I’m so PUMPED AND HYPE right now! πŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸ˜ŠπŸ€— you’re the best!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        LOL you’re very welcome! Let me know how the cake turns out!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Dutch Lion says:

    You’re the best Paul. Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Himali Shah says:

    Paul this is amazing ! Kudos πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  6. TeeVee says:

    This as a podcast would be so dope! πŸ‘ŒπŸΌ

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Laura says:

    Ah it takes a natural genius to motivate and inspire. And in 45 seconds? BOOM, you da BOMB.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thunder Poet says:

    DAAAAAAAANG! I could literally hear a burly, grumpy, heavy voice saying (or yelling) that speech, I don’t know why. Those were some awesome and motivational words, like in a climax of a sports-related movie.
    I just bookmarked this so that I could read it just before going to my exams. (y’know, for my team of imaginary buddies who scream in my head while writing the paper….. I hope, at least for once, they’d feel inspired to actually help me out)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I actually thought about a ship captain as well, so I’m still laughing about this.

    Liked by 1 person

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