A Letter To Issa

Dear Issa,

Hey there, Paul here.

What’s up? How’s it hanging? How are you? What’s new? What’s the word, big bird? ‘Sup? Issa are you okay, are you okay, are you okay, Issa?

I expect responses to each of those questions, as well as a realization of what song that last question was from.

Never mind, no responses are needed! Greeting questions like that are annoying. As a society, we need to get rid of them. 

This letter is going out to you in Nairobi – the capital city of Kenya. 

I don’t know why I’m reiterating facts you already know. Perhaps it’s because I did some research before writing this letter and have been preconditioned by school to regurgitate researched facts.

You asked me what the first thing I’d do in Nairobi if I were to go there.

I really don’t know.

I’d probably find a restaurant and look at the menu as if I don’t know what food is. Then I’d order something I’m sure won’t send me running to the washroom for the duration of my trip. You can never be too careful with ordering food at restaurants. 

Failing that. I’d probably take a picture of a street with buildings off in the distance and post it to social media with the caption: “I’m in Nairobi and you’re not.”

I don’t know, what should be the first thing I do in Nairobi? 

Now then, you didn’t ask me to tell you a fictional story, but you did ask me to tell you about how my favourite teams do in baseball, basketball, and American football because these sports might as well be fictional to you.

Alright, buckle up. I’ll try to be as clear as possible and sprinkle some humour in to keep your attention.

We’ll start with baseball. There are 30 teams in Major League Baseball. 29 of them are in the USA. 1 is from Canada. American TV networks pretend that we (the Canadian team) don’t exist.

And when they do acknowledge our existence, they assume we know nothing about baseball because we live in Canada.

“They don’t know how to catch in Canada because they grow up playing hockey.” – Direct quote

Stupid, they are.

Alright, so there are 162 games in a season and they play just about every day from April to the end of September. And then ten teams make the playoffs, which are played in October.

Baseball is like cricket, except less confusing. I’m sure you’d tell me that cricket is less confusing, but hey, I’m the one writing the letter.

As for my team, the Toronto Blue Jays, they won the championship (which is called the World Series, even though it’s not a global league) in 1992 and 1993. Then they didn’t make the playoffs again until 2015 and 2016.

This year, they aren’t very good, but a lot of fans have been blinded by recent success and refuse to accept reality. 

Moving on to basketball. There are 30 teams (29 American; 1 Canadian) and they also like to imagine that the Canadian team doesn’t exist. Notice a trend?

They play 82 games before the playoffs. 

My team, the Toronto Raptors, have been really good for the last four years or so. But they have no chance of winning the championship for at least another ten years, if ever. It’s just not possible.

Oh but Paul, anything can happen in sports!

No! The NBA is all about star players. None of them want to play for Toronto because we’re seen as “that team in a cold country.” Meanwhile, we’re just as cold as New York or Chicago.

So unless we are drafting superstars (we aren’t), then we aren’t going to win anything. We’ll just be really good and that’s it. 

As for American football (NFL), I’ve been losing interest in it over the years. I don’t cheer for a specific team, though when the playoffs roll around I’ll attach myself to the New England Patriots because I like to cheer for the underdog.

*The New England Patriots are the furthest thing from an underdog.

I enjoy Canadian football (CFL) a lot more. The field is wider so there is more space to run. There is more speed in the game. The pace is much quicker. It’s more entertaining. 

In America, when there’s two minutes left in the game, sometimes nothing will happen and a team will just let the clock run out.

In Canada, you can’t do that. Our play clock is only 20 seconds, as opposed to 40 seconds. 

That probably means nothing to you.

But with Canadian football, there is always a chance for a late game comeback which adds excitement. In American football, there isn’t always that opportunity.

Unfortunately, a lot of Canadians see our football as lesser than American football. People here like to attach themselves to things that are “cool” and the NFL is considered cool to them. 

I’ll never understand it. Outside of the Super Bowl and some playoff games, I’d prefer to watch the CFL. Even then, though, I might not sit through an entire game without flipping the channel. 

If you understood any of what I just said, blink twice.

You like football, which we call soccer. I’ve tried to like that sport. I’ve faked my way through it over the years. But I just can’t tolerate it. There are too many people on the field, if you ask me. 

Make it 7 on 7 and shorten the game to 80 minutes and then maybe I’ll watch. Also, give red cards to the players who fake injuries for half an hour. 

Do you like rugby? I like rugby. 

Alright, good talk.

Well, Issa. I best be off. To where, I don’t know. But when I get there, I’ll be sure to take a picture and post it with the caption, “I’m sitting on a couch, and you’re not” or something.

Have a great morning, day, night, and overnight!

With a Canadian accent,

Paul

P.S. I wrote this letter while listening to Michael Jackson songs. Hence the “Issa are you okay…” bit at the start. Hopefully you get the reference.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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34 Responses to A Letter To Issa

  1. ‘…. are you okay? Are you okay Issa?’ 😂😂

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Ely says:

    I’m seeing how bloggers are writing letters to each other like pen pals and I’m diggin’ it with my neuron-shovels (I’m not sure what I was going for there but… meh). Tell me about this! I had an actual real pen pal in elementary school from the other side of the world and it was the most exciting day ever, whenever I got to class and had a REAL letter from this person. I mean. How cool was that!? I was always a little nerdy though. And that was a lot of info on sports! I’m sorry the Americanos treat Canadian sports with less respect. Want me to drive over to ESPN networks and kick someones ass? I’ll probably be able to scare them away easily once I start hollering in really fast and really loud Spanish (fast and loud spanish is like, super intimidating). Just say the word.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Olé! Was that the word? When I was in the US last year, all ESPN talked about was football and it was the middle of August. Ugh it was too much. As for why bloggers are writing letters to each other…I started the whole thing last July. Check out this post: https://captainsspeech.wordpress.com/2016/07/26/the-tuesday-announcement/

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        Wait….Ole is Spanish but like from SPAIN which I’m sure I have some ancestors from there like 1,000 years back but no I just mean Spanish like Cuban spanish hahah! That was awesome. I’m going to back and check out this mess you’ve gone and started!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Wait, so you’re telling me I pulled out a Spanish word but it’s from Spain so it doesn’t count? Ay dios mio.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        LMFAO! It counts. I’ve just never used that word in my life. And I spoke Spanish before English as a child lol but you get your credit and AY DIOS MIO is type of thing I say all the time. add SANTO at the end. It doesn’t seem right because it translates to OH MY GOD SAINT! But it’s actually like the equivalent of saying “Jesus Christ ALMIGHTTTYY” in an annoyed tone. lol or “PERO SERA POSIBLE?!” is basically like saying “are you fucking kidding me?!” but there’s no profanity in the spanish version. Though Spanish is always so much classier/sexier. Like I can tell my White neighbor to go screw his dog and then choke on his own vomit and die in Spanish, and he’ll just think I’m coming on to him or something. So much fun. lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        LOL what in the world did I just read? Your poor neighbour haha. I think you just became my Spanish teacher, feel free to teach me more phrases in the future. I have another blogger teaching me Luxembourgish. I’m going to be twentylingual eventually.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        Wtf is Luxembourgish? Why do I suddenly feel so uncultured!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        It’s the language of Luxembourg! Moien, mein Numm ass Paul = Hi my name is Paul.

        Like

      • Ely says:

        Paul. Did you just call your self a Numb ass? Oh dear…….. lol. J/K.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I KNEW you would keen in on that.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Also, where was your pen pal from and how was that coordinated?

      Like

      • Ely says:

        I don’t remember the country but they did understand and write English…. And my teacher coordinated this stuff somehow. Must have been some kind of organization but I wish I knew. It was SO I must have been 8…9? And no internet stuff it was handwritten letters in sealed envelopes.. very personal and so much more exciting!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Sounds like the letters they made us to Santa Claus at the north pole when I was in Grade 1!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        I do this still every year. We have a Christmas themed amusement park here every year that’s been around since before I was born.. and theres a spot with a huge mailbox labeled the NORTH POLE. They provide pencils, papers, and envelopes for all to stop by, write a letter, and toss it in the mailbox. It still feels real ok. It just does.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        That’s cool! I’m not judging. I wrote a letter to Santa last December, took a picture of it, and put it on my blog. I’m still a believer. (as opposed to a belieber).

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        Burnnnnnn! lol!! And finally, A believer. We’ll have to sit and discuss life beyond Earth and Evolution some day. I’ll bring the pizza. You bring the latte. lol

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Rea says:

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! The Michael Jackson reference was MUCH appreciated. My dad has always been a huge fan of lots of different 80’s music. So because of him, I also have that same love, but will never know as many songs as he does. P.S. Smooth Criminal was one of MJ’s lamer songs in my opinion. Skewer me in the comments.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Glad you appreciated it! Yeah, me and a group of boys had to put a dance routine together in Grade 7 gym class and someone chose Smooth Criminal as the song for us to dance to. I don’t know why.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Rea says:

        Ohhhhh yes! You should video yourself doing that dance if you can remember it and post it so all your adoring fans can laugh and tease you about it for weeks to come ;). Now for a dance routine, Smooth Criminal has the perfect layout. Also, why in the world did your gym teacher require y’all to come up with a dance routine? That doesn’t seem very “gym-like” (?).

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Haha absolutely not. I remember maybe two moves in it. I don’t think we mimicked the music video, we just did our own thing. There was always a Dance unit in gym class, just like there was basketball, soccer, etc.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Rea says:

        Awww way to disappoint, Paul 😂. One of the schools I went to (I’ve moved around a lot) would occationally make us poor kids do Zumba in P.E. You could say Zumba was our “Dance unit”, but it really wasn’t. I sometimes liked Zumba, but the first time we did it, I rolled my ankle and was in pain for the rest of P.E. Yeah, Zumba and I are good friends

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Issa says:

    now I have to go look for that song… thanks for the letter man much appreciated and sorry about the Canada jokes I thought they were just kidding when they used them in HIMYM 😁😁😁😁

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: A Letter To Issa — The Captain’s Speech – Music + Heartbeat = life

  6. Little Rants says:

    I’m dead hahahahha!!!! Issa must be okay what with all the are you okays happening

    Liked by 1 person

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