I don’t know how we got here, but it’s finale night. Let’s get this piñata in the air and start swinging, shall we?
It’s down to three guys with generic names: Bryan, Peter, and Eric.
~ Bryan is the kind of guy who owns a blender and uses it twice a day.
~ Peter is the kind of guy who empties the crumbs out of his toaster twice a week.
~ Eric is the kind of guy who brags about being able to crack an egg.
~ We start with Chris Harrison (sleeves rolled down) in front of a live studio audience of 150 women and 2 men.
~ Oh great, Rachel will be watching the show with them.
~ Just so you know, I’m not making notes on the reunion show or any of these “in studio” segments. It’s just a waste of time.
~ Oh wait, we just got a Juan Pablo update! He was the bachelor that none of the women liked because he didn’t know how to have a conversation. He’s getting married. As if you care.
~ We start off the “real” portion of the show with Peter asking Rachel what happens if he’s not ready to propose. She cries. Well then!
~ Rachel wants an engagement, but only if she gets it after two months on a TV show. Yet Normal Person Peter is the weird one?
~ “We’re falling in love with each other, so there has to be a way to fix this.”
~ Cry me a waterfall.
~ Rachel hands him an invitation to the fantasy suite – an invitation written by Chris Harrison. This is creepy every season. Stop it.
~ So let me spell out the “problem” of this episode. Rachel is dating three guys. Peter would probably “win”, but he can’t promise her a proposal. That’s the problem. Seriously.
~ It’s now time for Bryopractor to have his date in Spain.
~ This is the last chance for them to run with the bulls and what are they doing? They are exploring the vineyards on horseback.
~ Wrong animal!!!
~ Bryan hasn’t felt this way about someone in a long time. All it took was two months away from civilization and technology.
~ “Just seeing Bryan puts a smile on my face…but I’m thinking about Peter.”
~ Uh-oh spaghettio. This is what happens when you date three people at the same time, so I hear.
~ Back in studio and before I can press the fast forward button, Chris asks, “What’s it like watching this?” Rachel replies, “It’s hard.”
~ Incorrect! The answer we were looking for was “nauseating”. No one gets the point.
~ Oh Big Bird, come pick me up and fly me away from this mess.
~ They are now at dinner, where we won’t see them eat, and are surrounded by a bunch of candles.
~ Their conversation during the day was about what they did last time they saw each other. Their conversation tonight is about how Rachel was out to lunch all day.
~ But it’s fine, they could be engaged an hour from now.
~ “I felt down today.” – Bryan
~ Here, let me hug and kiss you so we don’t have to talk about nothing anymore. – Rachel
~ Also, here is the fantasy suite card, which is WRITTEN BY CHRISTOPHER SEYMOUR HARRISON.
~ Their fantasy suite has more candles than an eighty year old’s birthday cake. It also has just as many pillows, which means there is no room on the couch to actually sit.
~ They had a miserable looking date, but it ends with Rachel saying it’s moving forward in a really good way. What is happening?
~ Kids, this is called a “good edit” so when Bryan proposes in 40 minutes and she says yes, it’s believable.
~ The fantasy suite is the first time these guys have a conversation with Rachel that isn’t on camera. Is that weird? Methinks it’s a tad weird.
~ Ha, I almost forgot there was going to be a Rose Ceremony. I’ll bet my big toe that Eric goes home.
~ There’s a reason why his fantasy suite date wasn’t put on the finale. Think about it.
~ Eric shows up with a white t-shirt and a blazer. Dressed like a guy who knows he’s going home.
~ Bryan gets the first rose.
~ Peter gets the second rose.
~ I tried to tell you.
~ Eric is also wearing white running shoes with his “suit”. He knew to dress for the occasion.
~ “It’s hard to say goodbye, but I have stronger feelings for my other boyfriends.”
~ Yeah, okay, cool.
~ In real life, Eric would be like, “You have other boyfriends?”
~ Eric goes full blown Whitney Houston and tells her, “And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-EEE-IIIII will always love youuuuuuuu.”
~ “She was the one, for sure.” Drink!
~ It’s funny, we all know if Peter said right now that he would propose to her, that Bryan would be sent home too. But since he isn’t saying that, Bryan is still there as the “safe bet”.
~ Oh what? They’re calling Eric out for a reunion now? Noooo. The proposal needs to happen by 10pm. I have wrestling to watch. Let’s go.
~ Rachel and Bryan have their final date in the middle of another empty field.
~ Never mind, they are going on a hot air balloon ride!
~ Why in the world would they put two of the remaining three people in a hot air balloon? One mistake and all we have left is Peter.
~ They are now on a bed reading through a Spanish-English dictionary that Bryan made. This is so his mom hates Rachel a little bit less.
~ Oh, the date is over. This is about which I am talking! Keep this show moving!
~ One last date for Peter.
~ I don’t know if you guys have heard or not, but Peter isn’t ready to propose and this makes Rachel put her socks on the wrong feet. It bothers her.
~ They are in the mountains.
~ Now they are exploring a monastery.
~ This looks like its torture for Peter. He wants to get back to real life. He’s tired of fake conversations. You can tell.
~ Peter has 24 hours to figure out if he wants to spend the rest of his life with Rachel. Hahaha oh Peter. Head for the hills! Oh wait, you’re already there. Head for civilization!
~ Rachel thinks Peter doesn’t want to spend his life with her. That’s not it, Rachel. It’s that he’s only known you for two months and what if you become a different person when the cameras are off. That’s why he’s hesitant.
~ I give way too much top-notch insight. I better get paid for this next season.
~ Peter tells her that he’s not proposing tomorrow.
~ Rachel: “I get so confused by you.”
~ OH MY GOD IT’S NOT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND, GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE, RACHEL.
~ Rachel is mad that Peter can’t propose to someone after knowing them for two months, which is basically only about eight dates.
~ At this point, Bryan is basically her second option and she’s probably going to pick him because he will propose.
~ This is why I write these viewing notes and include so many jokes.
~ Now Peter says that he will propose to her out of sacrifice. Rachel doesn’t want that either.
~ Someone send me 80,000 pizzas.
~ Rachel assumes a proposal means they are getting married. This show always ends in a proposal and then six months later they break up anyways.
~ “Then go find someone to have a mediocre life with.” – Peter, with the greatest line in the history of the show.
~ Rachel just sent Peter home because she doesn’t want to pressure him into a proposal. SINCE WHEN?
~ I bet Bryan feels like 15 cents after watching this.
~ Rachel walks home in the rain. Peter weeps.
~ Bryan is the consolation prize. His mom will love that.
~ This show is at the two hour and two minute mark. They just brought Peter out for a reunion. Ughhhh. I. Have. Wrestling. To. Watch.
~ I’m only doing these notes because people like them.
~ I did not want to be here for all three hours, but it looks like this show is going to force me into it.
~ Rachel is now backtracking to say she had more problems with Peter than the proposal thing.
~ Spin the story, Rachel. Spin it! You know you’re getting crushed on social media right now. Spin the story!
~ Peter now says he feels attacked by Rachel. You tell her! Preach it, Peter.
~ A tweet from Meghan: “The Bachelorette Finale is so long and annoying. End this already!!”
~ “Bryan is such a good person.”
~ Ahahaha oh stop it.
~ It’s proposal time.
~ “You get to propose but you must walk a mile up a dirt hill dramatically first.” – Meghan
~ “It was literally like a chemistry bomb had just exploded.” – Bryan
~ Holy cow is it ever windy. They might get blown away before she gives an answer. One can only hope.
~ Rachel starts her speech by saying she’s been confused all week.
~ Bryan gets down on one knee to propose and she squeals because this was apparently unexpected.
~ I don’t know, feels like it should’ve been Peter.
~ I’ve seen better proposals on this show.
~ I can’t bring myself to watch the rest of this. I really don’t care.
~ Oh, Bryan just re-proposed to Rachel at the reunion show. Was it not official in Spain?
~ “So Bryan, how do you feel that Rachel only picked you because Peter wouldn’t propose?” – A question that Chris Harrison won’t ask
~ Hey, it’s not my life. They can do what they want. I’m done.
Thank you to everyone who has supported these viewing notes. Thank you to Meghan for contributing so much and helping me weed through the nonsense.
I’ll probably be back in January to do this again for The Bachelor. I’ll be hibernating until then.
~ Wait, Rachel just said they aren’t rushing things in terms of marriage.
THAT’S WHAT PETER WANTED.