Paulo’s Kitchen: Turkey Bagel

Ciao! Bonjour! And hello! Welcome back to another award-winning edition of Paulo’s Kitchen!

Talkative Camera Man, Sam: We’ve never won an award.

Up shut it, Samson!

Where was I? Oh yeah…I am Chef Paulo and this is my kitchen!

Hey listen, audience, I just went to the bathroom, so I can “hold it in for an applause” for the next 10 hours. If you don’t clap, we can just sit here and stare at each other.

*Thunderous applause*


Today we are making a Chef Paulo classic. It is a food that makes you close your eyes while you take a bite. Not many foods can do that, you know? I looked it up.

Sam: It’s just a bagel.

Shut up your face, Samuel! You just ruined the surprise.

Today we are making a turkey bagel!

Audience: Ooohhh.

Darn left you “ooohhh”.

Sam: I think you mean, “Darn right.”

Sammy, if you say one more word I’ll fold you up like a paper airplane and toss you out the window like a dull pencil in December and you’ll land in the snow and we won’t see you until it melts in March.

Sam: We are in a studio. There are no wind-

Turkey Bagel! Let’s make it!

What you’ll need:
– Turkey
– Sesame Seed Bagel
– Tomato
– Lettuce
– Red Onions
– Mayonnaise
– Toaster
– Knife
– Spreader
– Wooden Spoon

Sam: What is the wooden spoon for?

The question is not “what”, it’s “who”.

Sam: Oh…

Step 1: Take the bagel out of the freezer about an hour before you want to eat. That way it can thaw. If you want to speed up the thawing process, hold it close to a light bulb. I call this the Bulbo di Paulo method.

Step 2: Take your knife and cut open the bagel. Watch your fingers. You only have nine. Oh, you have ten. Paulo has nine. Don’t ask.

Step 3: Put the bagel in the toaster for about 98 seconds.

You following so far, Samantha?

Sam: That’s not my name.

Step 4: While the bagel is in the toaster, we do other stuff. Open the fridge and take out the jar of mayonnaise, turkey, and the plate of chopped up toppings.

This is the magic of TV. Why waste time chopping things up, right?

Sam: It’s not magic. It’s because you had an accident last time and the network doesn’t trust you to do it live.

Accident? No. No. Chef Paulo doesn’t make accidents.

Sam: Count to ten with your hands.

Okay, cupcake. One, and a two, and a three, four, five alive, six pick up stick, and a seven, and now eight like a spider, and nine, and t– SAMSTERDAM! You tricked me!

Sam: See, accident.

*Toaster pops*

Oh look, our bagel is ready!

Step 5: Spread some mayonnaise on the inside of the bagel. Not too much, or the Doctor will yell at you. Just enough so you can sweep the driveway.

Sam: Sweep the driveway?

That’s an Italian expression. It’s like, “Just enough so you can sleep at night.”

Now, are you still with me? Do we have to take a break for commercial? Let’s break for commercial. We’ll be back right after these massages.

Sam: Messages.

That’s what I said!

Commercial #1
Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Does your partner hog all the bedsheets? Does that frustrate you? Well look no further than Gabloplibump! Gabloplibump is the first ever bed sheet that expands when you pull it. That way, your partner can keep their sheets and you can steal some back without them noticing. Everybody wins!

Gabloplibump – we’ve got you covered!

Welcome back to the show, boys and girls! I’m Chef Paulo and man, I need to get me one of those Goosebump bed sheet things. They’ve got me covered! So cool.

Sam: You live alone, though.

That’s enough out of you, Sam Antonio!

Back to the bagel. So far we’ve toasted it and put mayonnaise.

Step 6: Now, we put the turkey. This is the kind of turkey you can find at the deli counter of your local grocery store. And if you can’t find it, call Sherlock Holmes. We only need two slices – save the rest for a rainy day, or tomorrow.

Step 7: On top of the turkey, we can put the lettuce. It acts as a blanket for the turkey.

Sam: Don’t you mean it acts as a Gabloplibump?

No, the lettuce lives alone. Hahaha.

Why did no one laugh when I made that joke?

Step 8: Next we put the tomato slices. If you notice, there are only two of them. If you put more, it’s too much. The third one would hang outside the bagel like a leg out of your bedsheets.

Step 9: Finally, we put some small bits of red onion on top. Try not to touch them with your fingers, or else you will smell like an onion all day. Push them onto the bagel with the wooden spoon.

Sam: I thought the wooden spoon was for me?

Don’t worry my friend, it’s got your name on it!

Sam: And what name would that be?

Uhhh…stop talking, you! I have a show to do.

Step 10: Put the top half of the bagel on top to close it. And voila! A perfect turkey bagel. You can cut it in half if you want, but I don’t. Stuff would fall out.

Let’s go for one more commercial before coming back to wrap up the show!

Commercial #2
Do you have kids? Do they take forever to fall asleep? Do they keep getting up to “play” because “they aren’t tired yet”? Well have no fear, Maslipslurp is here! Maslipslurp is the first ever carpet made out of bubblewrap, where the bubbles reimburse themselves so you can pop them all over again! Your kids will tire themselves out after three minutes of jumping on them. You don’t even have to see it to believe it! Just trust us!

Maslipslurp – pop till you drop! 

Maslipslurp, huh? Sounds like what I do in the shower….Oh we’re back!

As you can see, we made a nice turkey bagel today. It’s perfect for all occasions. You can eat it at school, work, or after a long walk on the beach.

Well, that’s it for this edition of Paulo’s Kitchen. I’ve been Chef Paulo and th…

Sam: Wait, I think we want to hear more about this long walk on the beach.

Oh no, Paulo doesn’t talk about his workout regimen on air. He’ll make the viewers jealous.

Sam: Come on, Paulo. The only thing you “work out” is the chicken fingers from the freezer.

Listen Samilton! I’ve had it up to there with you! And up to here! Both there and here! You annoy me more than a raccoon in my slippers.

Sam: Is that another one of your “Italian expressions?”

No! It happened!


This has been Paulo’s Kitchen and I’ve been Chef Paulo! Don’t forget to chew with your mouth closed and your eyes open, except when you take a bite. I will see you next time.

Sam: Yeah, if there is a next time.


Paulo’s Kitchen is recorded in front of a live studio audience. The people in the audience are real. However, their ooh’s and aah’s may be exaggerated. To be a member of our live studio audience, please call… just show up. There is plenty of space.  

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
This entry was posted in Food, Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to Paulo’s Kitchen: Turkey Bagel

  1. Little Rants says:

    Beahahahahahhahaha oh LORD. Okay going back to read it again.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Little Rants says:

    Also if that happened in MY kitchen I would kill…things.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Little Rants says:

    Now I’m thinking if Samantha wants to marry me and go to Samsterdam with me and adopt a puppy with me and name him Gabloplibump – did I spell that right?

    Liked by 4 people

  4. darthtimon says:

    I wish to subscribe to your cooking channel, and look forward to sampling your creation!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Alright Capitano Paulo. You know what my new blogging routine will be moving forward? READ YOUR POSTS before I rant on mines!!! This made me laugh and smile in so many ways I’m sure I would’ve felt better without having to do all that ranting to begin with!!! Samsterdam
    Or Samantha or Samwhich or Samonella or whatever his name is- needs a blog of his own! 😂😂😂😂😂😂 And I NEED A GABLOBLIPUMP AND A….. crap. The thing with that keeps on poppin!!! Please add a link to BOTH and also- you need to be the guy who creates jingles and witty rhymes for commercials are you kidding me?! I died twice each time you had a commercial break I felt like it was the Super Bowl and I just wanted more commercials!!! 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼 and Who freezes bagels??!? Sometimes I question if you’re in Canada or actually on Mars and then that would make sense you know about Sam being 25 people all at once. He’s clearly an alien. So enjoyed this!!!!!! Why can’t I make a phenomenal post out of a turkey bagel. Man. Life is complicated!!!

    Liked by 4 people

    • Paul says:

      Haha your comments are the best. I can’t believe I didn’t think to call him Samwich! That would’ve been perfect. And I also wish I had called him “Sam
      or Ella”. Maybe next time if he’s not fired. Haha those commercials were too fun. I came up with both of them in two minutes so I think there’s something wrong with me. And yes I freeze bagels! Who doesn’t? How am I supposed to buy a dozen? One goes in the mouth, the other 11 go in the freezer.
      I like how my blog posts are going to act as a buffer now for you haha don’t worry there are about 400 posts of mine you’ve yet to read 🙂

      Liked by 4 people

      • I’m catching up on your stuff it’s like you’re my new mission LOL!!!!! I’m addicted to your blog ok I ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!! You’ve quickly become the caffeine to my writing inspiration lol!!! And I won’t even lie I don’t eat bagels. They go straight to my thighs! So that explains my lack of knowledge on what to do with them!

        Liked by 3 people

      • Paul says:

        18 – you used 18 exclamation marks in this comment. LOL in that case…I think I’ve done three episodes of Chef Paulo before this one. You’ll recipes for days. Literally just a few days. I never used to eat bagels until about 2 years ago. I’m a late bagel boomer.

        Liked by 4 people

      • Crap. You counted. I’ll have to watch out for your brutal attention to detail hahaha but in my defense- I’m actually THAT LOUD and overwhelming in person so it only goes to show how “real” I am when I write ok? And No worries I’ll be binge-eating I mean reading all those recipes! You sure this blog shouldn’t have been The Chef’s Speech?! Hmm. Lol! I can’t WAIT to get to all those. If only I didn’t have to “work” for a living. I wish I could get paid to do this. I guess some people do right? But those are questions that require posts- “blogging for money”….blah.

        Liked by 4 people

  6. Sophia Ball says:

    So much gold here! Your sarcasm game is strong, my brother from another mother.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Little Rants says:

    I love me some good old frozen Bagels a la Paulo

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Rea says:

    If coming up with these HYSTERICAL commercials took 2 minutes, then Paul I think you have WAY too much free time. But who cares!!! They are funny as a screaming goat (remember those videos all over the Interweb?).
    Freezing bagels (or any bread for that matter) helps them to not grow mould as fast. If you are a bagel lover, you freeze the bagels to keep them forever. Don’t press them in a book, that could get messy

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Damn. That sounds and looks so good. I’m the only one that commented about food😭😭😭I love bagels and I’m a fattie. Good night Paul lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ariel Lynn says:

    Oh my, I love me some Paulo’s Kitchen!!

    I really hope that Chef Paulo washed his hands after he went to the bathroom.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.