Ciao! Bonjour! And hello! Welcome back to another award-winning edition of Paulo’s Kitchen!
Talkative Camera Man, Sam: We’ve never won an award.
Up shut it, Samson!
Where was I? Oh yeah…I am Chef Paulo and this is my kitchen!
Hey listen, audience, I just went to the bathroom, so I can “hold it in for an applause” for the next 10 hours. If you don’t clap, we can just sit here and stare at each other.
Today we are making a Chef Paulo classic. It is a food that makes you close your eyes while you take a bite. Not many foods can do that, you know? I looked it up.
Sam: It’s just a bagel.
Shut up your face, Samuel! You just ruined the surprise.
Today we are making a turkey bagel!
Darn left you “ooohhh”.
Sam: I think you mean, “Darn right.”
Sammy, if you say one more word I’ll fold you up like a paper airplane and toss you out the window like a dull pencil in December and you’ll land in the snow and we won’t see you until it melts in March.
Sam: We are in a studio. There are no wind-
Turkey Bagel! Let’s make it!
What you’ll need:
– Sesame Seed Bagel
– Red Onions
– Wooden Spoon
Sam: What is the wooden spoon for?
The question is not “what”, it’s “who”.
Step 1: Take the bagel out of the freezer about an hour before you want to eat. That way it can thaw. If you want to speed up the thawing process, hold it close to a light bulb. I call this the Bulbo di Paulo method.
Step 2: Take your knife and cut open the bagel. Watch your fingers. You only have nine. Oh, you have ten. Paulo has nine. Don’t ask.
Step 3: Put the bagel in the toaster for about 98 seconds.
You following so far, Samantha?
Sam: That’s not my name.
Step 4: While the bagel is in the toaster, we do other stuff. Open the fridge and take out the jar of mayonnaise, turkey, and the plate of chopped up toppings.
This is the magic of TV. Why waste time chopping things up, right?
Sam: It’s not magic. It’s because you had an accident last time and the network doesn’t trust you to do it live.
Accident? No. No. Chef Paulo doesn’t make accidents.
Sam: Count to ten with your hands.
Okay, cupcake. One, and a two, and a three, four, five alive, six pick up stick, and a seven, and now eight like a spider, and nine, and t– SAMSTERDAM! You tricked me!
Sam: See, accident.
Oh look, our bagel is ready!
Step 5: Spread some mayonnaise on the inside of the bagel. Not too much, or the Doctor will yell at you. Just enough so you can sweep the driveway.
Sam: Sweep the driveway?
That’s an Italian expression. It’s like, “Just enough so you can sleep at night.”
Now, are you still with me? Do we have to take a break for commercial? Let’s break for commercial. We’ll be back right after these massages.
That’s what I said!
Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Does your partner hog all the bedsheets? Does that frustrate you? Well look no further than Gabloplibump! Gabloplibump is the first ever bed sheet that expands when you pull it. That way, your partner can keep their sheets and you can steal some back without them noticing. Everybody wins!
Gabloplibump – we’ve got you covered!
Welcome back to the show, boys and girls! I’m Chef Paulo and man, I need to get me one of those Goosebump bed sheet things. They’ve got me covered! So cool.
Sam: You live alone, though.
That’s enough out of you, Sam Antonio!
Back to the bagel. So far we’ve toasted it and put mayonnaise.
Step 6: Now, we put the turkey. This is the kind of turkey you can find at the deli counter of your local grocery store. And if you can’t find it, call Sherlock Holmes. We only need two slices – save the rest for a rainy day, or tomorrow.
Step 7: On top of the turkey, we can put the lettuce. It acts as a blanket for the turkey.
Sam: Don’t you mean it acts as a Gabloplibump?
No, the lettuce lives alone. Hahaha.
Why did no one laugh when I made that joke?
Step 8: Next we put the tomato slices. If you notice, there are only two of them. If you put more, it’s too much. The third one would hang outside the bagel like a leg out of your bedsheets.
Step 9: Finally, we put some small bits of red onion on top. Try not to touch them with your fingers, or else you will smell like an onion all day. Push them onto the bagel with the wooden spoon.
Sam: I thought the wooden spoon was for me?
Don’t worry my friend, it’s got your name on it!
Sam: And what name would that be?
Uhhh…stop talking, you! I have a show to do.
Step 10: Put the top half of the bagel on top to close it. And voila! A perfect turkey bagel. You can cut it in half if you want, but I don’t. Stuff would fall out.
Let’s go for one more commercial before coming back to wrap up the show!
Do you have kids? Do they take forever to fall asleep? Do they keep getting up to “play” because “they aren’t tired yet”? Well have no fear, Maslipslurp is here! Maslipslurp is the first ever carpet made out of bubblewrap, where the bubbles reimburse themselves so you can pop them all over again! Your kids will tire themselves out after three minutes of jumping on them. You don’t even have to see it to believe it! Just trust us!
Maslipslurp – pop till you drop!
Maslipslurp, huh? Sounds like what I do in the shower….Oh we’re back!
As you can see, we made a nice turkey bagel today. It’s perfect for all occasions. You can eat it at school, work, or after a long walk on the beach.
Well, that’s it for this edition of Paulo’s Kitchen. I’ve been Chef Paulo and th…
Sam: Wait, I think we want to hear more about this long walk on the beach.
Oh no, Paulo doesn’t talk about his workout regimen on air. He’ll make the viewers jealous.
Sam: Come on, Paulo. The only thing you “work out” is the chicken fingers from the freezer.
Listen Samilton! I’ve had it up to there with you! And up to here! Both there and here! You annoy me more than a raccoon in my slippers.
Sam: Is that another one of your “Italian expressions?”
No! It happened!
This has been Paulo’s Kitchen and I’ve been Chef Paulo! Don’t forget to chew with your mouth closed and your eyes open, except when you take a bite. I will see you next time.
Sam: Yeah, if there is a next time.
Paulo’s Kitchen is recorded in front of a live studio audience. The people in the audience are real. However, their ooh’s and aah’s may be exaggerated. To be a member of our live studio audience,
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