I Am Sick

I don’t like my bed anymore.

Since Friday night, I’ve been under the weather, as opposed to on top of it. Hey, I just understood why it’s called being on “Cloud 9”. You’re on top of the weather.

I haven’t been there. I’ve been in Sewer 73 for the last three days. It’s been awful.

I apologize in advance if this blog post is a bit loopy or lacks proper wording. I’m afraid my nose could drip on a key at any moment, which might force my finger to slide and hit the wrong hutton by accident.

It started on Friday night. Out of nowhere, my throat started getting really dry. I knew a sore throat was coming.

But my God, I wasn’t expecting to go to sleep that night feeling as though the entire cast of the Bee Movie had stung my throat.

Full disclosure, I’ve never seen Bee Movie, so there better be an ample amount of bees in it. Ha, look at me using the word “ample”. This post is off the rails.

Swallowing felt like walking on Lego with bare feet for six months. I was in pain.

No worries, sleeping makes everything better! Nope. I woke up and the pain was twice as bad. On Saturday, I went through my fair share of watermelon and banana pudding.

I also had “seasoned water” for two meals. What is “seasoned water”? That is what I call “soup”. Needless to say, I’d hit my quota for soup and didn’t have any on Sunday.

Going to sleep Saturday night into Sunday was nothing short of awful. I went to sleep around 9:45PM, which meant I tossed and turned for about four hours before feeling tired.

I was freezing. Probably a fever. So I put on pants, a t-shirt, and then a shirt on top of that. Then I put a blanket on, left milk and cookies and carrots by the chimney, and crawled into bed, as if it were the night before Christmas.

Needless to say I woke up in the middle of the night sweating like a bank robber who forgot a disguise. I don’t think I’ve ever taken off clothes faster in my life. Sorry, was that too visual? I don’t care.

I felt like passing out. My room was boiling hot, so I quickly opened the door and sat in the doorway to feel some fresh air.

After sweating out enough sweat to fill up the shallow end of a pool, I closed my door because what psycho falls asleep with the door open(?) and crawled back into my bed to continue the nightmare.

I couldn’t sleep. My ears hurt from trying to sleep on both sides of my face. My head hurt, well, just because. My throat – you know about. My legs were achy. I was not in good shape.

Some would’ve called me a rhombus.

And of course as I’m trying to fall asleep, I have every song under the moon, stuck in my head. Every. Single. Song.

At one point it felt like I was the lead singer of a band and I had to get out my set of nine songs before going to sleep. I couldn’t stop the lyrics in my head. It was awful.

So then Sunday arrived after I spent about 12 hours in bed, and my throat was starting to feel better, but lo and behold, my nose started to get in on the festivities.

Ever have to write an exam at school while you’re sick? You’re sitting there just wanting to sniffle back the most disgusting sounding mucus this continent has ever heard, but you can’t because the whole room will hear you, so you wait until the other sick person in the room goes into their sniffling and coughing fit and just piggy-back their noise? 

I couldn’t breathe through my nose today. Every time I tried to lie down, my nose wouldn’t let me.

I can’t sleep on my left. I can’t sleep on my right. I can’t sleep on my back. I can’t sleep on my stomach. I can’t sleep standing on one foot.

I tried napping twice, but ended up just laying there like a sack of potatoes with a runny nose.

My bed is no longer comfortable. There is nowhere to go. The cool side of my pillow doesn’t exist.

I don’t know what to do, so I’m sitting here at 1AM trying to not sneeze all over my laptop. It doesn’t have windshield wipers.

My legs feel weak. You could put a pizza on the other size of the room and I don’t think I’d get up to get it. I’d have to roll over there in my desk chair.

I know I need to sleep, but the bed is my enemy right now. My arms are a bit cold, my legs aren’t. My head feels detached.

By the way, I think I’m immune to tylenol. I took two tablets today and didn’t feel any different.

It’s okay though because I am a survivor. I’m not gonna give up. I’m not gonna stop. I’m gonna work harder. I’m a survivor.

See, there I go again singing songs. Whatever happened to the other three girls in Destiny’s Child?

I will not let this defeat me. I will bounce back! Okay, maybe not bounce. That would just shake my head until it popped off. But you get what I’m trying to say.

By the way, who the hell gets sick in July? I normally save this nonsense for the winter.

Anyways, send me your well fishes. Or is it well wishes? I don’t know. I’m sick.

Merry Christmas to all and to Paul a goodnight.