I Am Sick

I don’t like my bed anymore.

Since Friday night, I’ve been under the weather, as opposed to on top of it. Hey, I just understood why it’s called being on “Cloud 9”. You’re on top of the weather.

I haven’t been there. I’ve been in Sewer 73 for the last three days. It’s been awful.

I apologize in advance if this blog post is a bit loopy or lacks proper wording. I’m afraid my nose could drip on a key at any moment, which might force my finger to slide and hit the wrong hutton by accident.

It started on Friday night. Out of nowhere, my throat started getting really dry. I knew a sore throat was coming.

But my God, I wasn’t expecting to go to sleep that night feeling as though the entire cast of the Bee Movie had stung my throat.

Full disclosure, I’ve never seen Bee Movie, so there better be an ample amount of bees in it. Ha, look at me using the word “ample”. This post is off the rails.

Swallowing felt like walking on Lego with bare feet for six months. I was in pain.

No worries, sleeping makes everything better! Nope. I woke up and the pain was twice as bad. On Saturday, I went through my fair share of watermelon and banana pudding.

I also had “seasoned water” for two meals. What is “seasoned water”? That is what I call “soup”. Needless to say, I’d hit my quota for soup and didn’t have any on Sunday.

Going to sleep Saturday night into Sunday was nothing short of awful. I went to sleep around 9:45PM, which meant I tossed and turned for about four hours before feeling tired.

I was freezing. Probably a fever. So I put on pants, a t-shirt, and then a shirt on top of that. Then I put a blanket on, left milk and cookies and carrots by the chimney, and crawled into bed, as if it were the night before Christmas.

Needless to say I woke up in the middle of the night sweating like a bank robber who forgot a disguise. I don’t think I’ve ever taken off clothes faster in my life. Sorry, was that too visual? I don’t care.

I felt like passing out. My room was boiling hot, so I quickly opened the door and sat in the doorway to feel some fresh air.

After sweating out enough sweat to fill up the shallow end of a pool, I closed my door because what psycho falls asleep with the door open(?) and crawled back into my bed to continue the nightmare.

I couldn’t sleep. My ears hurt from trying to sleep on both sides of my face. My head hurt, well, just because. My throat – you know about. My legs were achy. I was not in good shape.

Some would’ve called me a rhombus.

And of course as I’m trying to fall asleep, I have every song under the moon, stuck in my head. Every. Single. Song.

At one point it felt like I was the lead singer of a band and I had to get out my set of nine songs before going to sleep. I couldn’t stop the lyrics in my head. It was awful.

So then Sunday arrived after I spent about 12 hours in bed, and my throat was starting to feel better, but lo and behold, my nose started to get in on the festivities.

Ever have to write an exam at school while you’re sick? You’re sitting there just wanting to sniffle back the most disgusting sounding mucus this continent has ever heard, but you can’t because the whole room will hear you, so you wait until the other sick person in the room goes into their sniffling and coughing fit and just piggy-back their noise? 

I couldn’t breathe through my nose today. Every time I tried to lie down, my nose wouldn’t let me.

I can’t sleep on my left. I can’t sleep on my right. I can’t sleep on my back. I can’t sleep on my stomach. I can’t sleep standing on one foot.

I tried napping twice, but ended up just laying there like a sack of potatoes with a runny nose.

My bed is no longer comfortable. There is nowhere to go. The cool side of my pillow doesn’t exist.

I don’t know what to do, so I’m sitting here at 1AM trying to not sneeze all over my laptop. It doesn’t have windshield wipers.

My legs feel weak. You could put a pizza on the other size of the room and I don’t think I’d get up to get it. I’d have to roll over there in my desk chair.

I know I need to sleep, but the bed is my enemy right now. My arms are a bit cold, my legs aren’t. My head feels detached.

By the way, I think I’m immune to tylenol. I took two tablets today and didn’t feel any different.

It’s okay though because I am a survivor. I’m not gonna give up. I’m not gonna stop. I’m gonna work harder. I’m a survivor.

See, there I go again singing songs. Whatever happened to the other three girls in Destiny’s Child?

I will not let this defeat me. I will bounce back! Okay, maybe not bounce. That would just shake my head until it popped off. But you get what I’m trying to say.

By the way, who the hell gets sick in July? I normally save this nonsense for the winter.

Anyways, send me your well fishes. Or is it well wishes? I don’t know. I’m sick.

Merry Christmas to all and to Paul a goodnight.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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95 Responses to I Am Sick

  1. Yuck! I am sorry to hear you’re not well, and you have all my sympathy and well wishes. Ugh. Being sick is a brutal reminder about how fragile our little mortal lives are, and NO ONE wants this reminder! Hope you’re back on your feet and friends again with your bed soon–may you two have great make-up sleep.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Haha I think I need my bed to buy me a meal first. Thanks for your concern and sympathy! I’m normally pretty healthy and only get sick once a year, so this was an unexpected surprise.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. arlene says:

    Get well soon. You need plenty of liquid or a good visit to a doctor.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. rebbit7 says:

    Get well, soon, Paul! Sleeping a lot helps to reset your system. It’s crazy how much being sick can make one delirious!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nemee says:

    Your writing is unbelievable! It’s incredible that you can make being sick sound so funny

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Awww poor Paul I hope that you get better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sorry you are sick in July. Couch sleeping to your favorite movies is the only way to go to when you’re sick. It has to be a movie you can quote, because you have seen it so many times. That way, you don’t feel bad when you fall asleep, and miss most of the movie. Plus, couch pillows are way cooler…. especially the leather ones. My husband drinks ice cold pineapple juice when he’s sick. I go for sprite and lime sherbet.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I think I’m going to start calling you Dr. Jen. Great tips, though I don’t know about the ice cold pineapple juice thing. I normally go for cranberry juice and feel it wash through my insides.

      Like

  7. Omggg. Paul I’m so sorry you’re sick but this post had me laughing😂😂Next time I’m sick I’m going to make you narrate it lol. Seriously though feel better. The best thing to do I would say is to rest up and let it run it’s course. Hugs❤️Ew you contagious. I take it back😋

    Liked by 1 person

  8. MagLyM says:

    Your post made me feel miserable. For you, of course! Feel better! Now..seriously before you quote more Destiny’s Child’s songs.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Angela says:

    Man, sounds like you’ve got it rough!! Hope you feel better soon! Have you tried a hot toddy? (actually, maybe that’s just a Scottish thing?!) HOT water, whiskey, honey and a squeeze of lemon – it’ll sort you right out, I’m not sure why its not used in professional health practice?!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Squid says:

    Well fishes, Paul!! Quite sorry to hear about this nasty abomination of a sickness that has taken you captive…
    You should watch the Bee Movie once you’re well enough to appreciate it, because Jerry Seinfeld is absolutely amazing. You are correct, however, because most of the characters are bees.
    Carrots with Santa’s snack?!
    Rhombuses ARE good shapes!
    -Squid

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Emily Hoppes says:

    I apologize for how hard this made me laugh, but I’m extra sorry you’re sick. Feel better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. micqu says:

    Here are some well fishes for you. Sorry to hear that you feel so sick – on the upside reading about it was quite funny. (Which makes me feel guilty. So – I apologise for making fun of you.)
    And now, a new sentence in your new favourite language: Pass gutt op dech op a gëff erëm schnell gesond.
    (Take good care of yourself and get well soon)
    *hugs* (I am not afraid to catch the flu or get a cold, that’s how badass I am)

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ariel Lynn says:

    Awww!!! Poor Paul! I know exactly how you feel – I had an awful bout of strep/some sort of throat infection in early June. I thought I was gonna die. It sounds like yours is even worse, though, because of your terribly stuffy nose.

    I hope you feel better soon! I know, from reading your delectable.. erm.. delightful blog, your inability to walk across the room for pizza is serious!

    Maybe you should see a doctor. In fact, if you’re not even up to eating pizza, perhaps the hospital is in order. (Only the second sentence is a joke.) *hugs!*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Fortunately, my sore throat is 90% gone at the time of this comment. I don’t even crave pizza right now, what is wrong with me?? I think I’ve avoided a trip to the doctor. I never go there when I’m sick, anyway. They’d just tell me what I already know. Hopefully my nose clears up soon though. Thanks for your concern!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. peckapalooza says:

    Feel better soon. I used to hate getting sick in the summertime. That was when I worked in the schools and it seemed a waste to be sick when I was already taking time off. Now I just don’t like getting sick any time of the year. Maybe that means my situation is worse…

    Liked by 1 person

  15. ToluC says:

    Firstly, get well soon.

    Secondly, have you tried taking hot water mixed with a little honey and lemon juice? (i had to google that to make sure it’s not going to turn into poison with the lemon) Also, my mum swears on rubbing vicks vapor rub (see what i did there, rub the rub, haha, this isn’t funny?, yeah, sorry) all over.
    Lastly, i hope you get well soon enough to run towards pizza and not sneeze all over your laptop.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Tony Burgess says:

    Be well soon good sir. Take care of yourself. Rest can be a great medicine.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. After reading this, I’ve pretty much convinced myself I am ALSO sick. Damn sympathetic illness. Hope we both start to feel better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. So sorry to hear your are sick! It sounds horrible and I hope you get better soon. Something that helps me with blocked noses is to use a couple of pillows to raise my head and shoulders. It helps to drain the phlegm. (Urggh!) Also, a cool washer on your forehead when you are feeling hot may help. And when you feel cold/have the chills – don’t forget hot water bottles. Heartily endorse the hot toddy! It can’t hurt – especially the whiskey. I’d also throw in a bit of ginger. Does wonders. For blocked noses/sinuses, my doctor recommends vicks in a bowl of hot water, stick your head over the bowl with a towel over your head and breathe in the steam. I’ve never been fond of that one. With strep throat – gargle with warm salty water. My husband also recommends strong Fishermen’s Friends (original flavour not spearmint) for the throat and also to clear out the sinuses. They are a kind of nasty tasting throat lozenge – it feels like you’ve been hit with a hammer, but it does clean out the sinuses. I can’t stand them but my husband thinks they are great. Do you have those in Canada? And lots and lots of rest. Many people have relapses because they try to go back to work too soon. Don’t fall for that one! Your body will be exhausted fighting off the infection and will need to recover. Take the extra day and Rest! That’s it. All my getting well tricks. (Can you tell I’m a mother?) Get well soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      This was great. I’m just going to come to you whenever I’m sick. I believe we do have Fisherman’s Friends. Fortunately though my sore throat is gone. Just trying to get my nose and a small cough under control and hopefully get my strength back. Thanks for your concern!

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Olga Fry says:

    Hope you’re feeling better today!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. CarlyCamaron says:

    Oh no!! I am so sorry to laugh while you are feeling so sick in the sewers. Maybe you should get sick more often though, throw all hell to the wind, your writing was perfect and raw. Just the way I like it!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. darthtimon says:

    The go-to trick for feeling better in my house is whiskey – a bit of ‘Scottish medicine’ will cure what ails ye!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Man! Paul! I feel everyone else beat to every sassy remark I planned to respond with as I kept reading! First off, I do hope you’re feeling above the weather now! But what the hell is WATERMELON PUDDING?! It sounds- watery which pudding should NEVER be!!! About those clouds: Just be sure to always shoot for cloud 10. Cloud 9 is overrated and full of unrealistic hipsters and irrational millennials (the annoying ones). Second, I’m IMPRESSED that you referenced Destinys Child! (I’ll keep it a secret don’t worry!) And I don’t know what happened to any of them, but Kelly Did that thing with Nelly that one time? Anywho! You were right this was HYSTERICAL and I love your AMPLE usage metaphors no matter how drippy that nose got!!! Brave man! Brave indeed!!! 😂😂😂🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Alright first of all, despite how mouth watering it sounds I didn’t say I had WATERMELON PUDDING Lololol. I said I had watermelon…and…BANANA pudding. Hahaha two different things. Cloud 10 – got it. I’d hate to be an unrealistic hipster. Who is Kelly? Haha. I don’t even know the other threes names. I just know the chorus to that one song and that Beyoncé ditched them. I am feeling better thank you, but still feel like I’m coughing up a lung or three every few minutes. Could be worse I guess. Also, you’re using of all caps for single words might be rubbing off on me….

      Liked by 1 person

      • Man. That’s worse than you’re flu-thing being contagious! I think I try way too hard to emphasize things that I really wanna emphasize! It’s like… never mind I just CAN NOT explain it. It’s the “oomph” that I underestimate is already there without having to be a caps/bold/italic/underlining-Nazi. I’m just “extra”. It’s kinda my trademark. Like pudding you know? It’s supposed to be thick and NEVER like ice cream otherwise, we’d have to call it something else. And then GONE is the pudding-ness of it. I don’t want to be ice cream Paul. I’d like to be the fluffed up pudding that I am. Oh geez. A woman never wants to be fluffy. Hmm. This wasn’t my inten…..PUDDING PAUL. Pudding! BE PUDDING.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        “I don’t want to be ice cream Paul” hahaha no ones ever said that to me before. You’re like the chocolate sauce on top of a chocolate sundae. And I mean that in a good way. Feel free to steal that analogy. I’d love to be PUDDING. It’s so delicious. By the way today is national ice cream sandwich day. Back when I played softball as a kid we all had nicknames on my team. Mine was Ice Cream Sandwich LOL

        Like

  23. Oh no. I just wrote this phenomenal response and it NEVER SENT!!!! I could literally just die right now!!! Please tell me it’s because you have to like approve it first! 😂😂😂 man! It was FULL of clever stuff!!! AMPLE I tell you! AMPLE!!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Barb Knowles says:

    I read this on my phone yesterday but can’t like or comment on the phone. So how do I “like” this? I don’t like that you have a cold, I mean are really really sick. I don’t like that your bed has become your enemy. But it was funny and sad at the same time. Somehow it doesn’t sound appropriate to say I hope you love your bed again. hahaha

    Liked by 1 person

  25. lauraashurst says:

    Hi Paul,
    You sound like you’ve been really sick not just unwell but properly sick. I hope that by now you are fully recovered and are well and truly over this nasty virus/bug/awfulness that took over you.
    Here’s to a happy and healthy August😊.
    Best wishes,
    Laura

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Myka says:

    How you make an illness comical is beyond me, and I loved every second of it (sorry?). First of all, I was ALSO sick in July. Probably around the same time. When was this post? (scrolling up) Ah, no. Maybe I gave it to you! Mine was the week of the 17th-ish. Anyway – back to you – this is my first exposure to “seasoned water” – and I think you should patent that. B). I sleep with the door open. Slightly. I’d say cracked but it’s more than that….
    C). piggy-back their noise. hahaha. #BeenThere
    Hope you’re all better now (I think you are).
    .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

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