Welcome back to another “Oh no, my ice cream is melting!” edition of The Bachelorette. They are in Dallas this week. Get it? Dallas…Heat…Ice cream go bye bye.
~ Rachel sees a future with the final three men. Someone should let her know she can only pick one.
~ Each of them will meet her family before travelling to Spain to do stuff.
~ Peter is batting leadoff today and leaves the other two in what is essentially the waiting room of a dentist’s office.
~ Bryan and Eric are shocked that Peter wouldn’t propose to Rachel if he were the final one. Yes, because getting engaged after two months on a TV show is what everyone should do.
~ Peter and Rachel tell each other they are falling in love with each other.
~ Peter is sitting with the family at the dinner table and for the 86th episode in a row, no one is touching their food. I’m crying on the outside, not the inside, the outside.
~ There hasn’t been anything noteworthy in five minutes. I’m going to add some filler.
~ Let me tell y’all about the time I ate ravioli and meatballs. It was tonight and it was fantastic.
~ Mother Rachel is talking to Peter now to “ask the tough questions”.
~ “Why would you want to propose to Rachel?” This question is worth 5 marks, use pictures, words, and numbers.
~ “I really do care about your daughter. Yada yada. I want to wait until I know your daughter is the person for me (before asking for your blessing to marry her).”
~ 3/5 – needs more pictures and numbers.
~ They’re setting this whole thing up as if Rachel will marry anyone who will propose to her, rather than marrying the right person for her.
~ The appointment is over, no cavities for Peter but he has to work on his brushing. NEXT!
~ Eric, the dentist will see you now.
~ Just a heads up, Eric has never been in love before, but is about a week away from possibly proposing to someone he’s known for 2 months. In TV time, that’s about 12 days.
~ Not even a fortnight!
~ What could go wrong!?!?!?
~ Peter and Bryan are talking about their relationship with the same woman. Alright, enough of this cutesy shmootsy stuff.
~ Eric meets the family and greets everyone with a nice handshake and an over pronunciation of his name. No hugs.
~ Eric’s last relationship was for eight months. “She prepared me.”
~ Are we making food analogies now, Eric? I need a heads up. Thanks.
~ Rachel’s sister (?) tells her that Eric is “really sweet and really sincere.” She said the same thing about Peter.
~ This whole, “Using the same words to describe everyone” must run in the family. Remember last week when I said Rachel described each guy the same way!?
~ Man, I’m just that good.
~ “I can be the man I know I am.” – Eric
~ Translation: “I’m a big kid now.”
~ Eric just asked the mother if he can propose to Rachel. They’ve know each other for 43 minutes – 6 minutes in TV time.
~ She said yes.
~ You guys want to hear a song? I want to hear a song. It goes like this:
~ “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but can I propose to your daughter, I want her baby.”
~ And that sums up this show. Hold your applause.
~ Alright Eric, thanks for coming, here’s a balloon. No cavities. Keep flossing. See you in nine months.
~ Bryan, you’re turn.
~ Bryan and Rachel are wearing matching watches from their date in Switzerland. Eric picks up on this and thinks it means something.
~ It’s Eric O’Clock, kids.
~ Bryan is meeting Rachel’s friends who signed her up for this show
because they thought she was that desperate.
~ “He was so charming the first night.”
~ Just a reminder, Bryan and Rachel sucked each other’s faces the first night.
~ Bryan greets the mother with a handshake as well. Only Peter went for the hug. #InstantAnalysis
~ Okay, they definitely told Rachel’s mother beforehand that Bryan’s mother has a poor track record when it comes to having a relationship with his girlfriends.
~ There is no way her mom asks what happens if his mom and Rachel bump heads, without a producer feeding her that info.
~ CAN’T GET NOTHING BY ME.
~ “Let’s have lunch. Would you like to have lunch?”
~ Hell no, I wouldn’t. They just come from brunch. Oh right, it doesn’t matter because “eating” on this show means, “letting the food sit on the plate untouched.”
~ By the way, I hate brunch.
~ “She was your girlfriend after a week?” – Rachel’s sister doesn’t know that they became boyfriend and girlfriend as soon as he was cast for the show.
~ They asked Bryan what qualities Rachel accentuates in him. He
has no clue what “accentuates” means and excuses himself from the table.
~ Smart move. Get out of there. Don’t need pit stains.
~ This isn’t going well. The family is grilling him like cheese on bread.
~ OH MY GOD ONE GUY JUST PUT A FORK FULL OF FOOD IN HIS MOUTH.
~ An 86 episode streak has been broken! Where. Were. YOU. When?
~ “I’m chill until I’m not.” – Rachel
~ “I’m chill, but need time to thaw after coming out of the freezer.” – Me
~ “I love your family already.” – Bryan
~ Rachel’s Sister: “It’s only been an hour and a half.”
~ YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.
~ Did I not just say the same thing when Eric and Rachel’s mother met?
~ High five the nearest human or animal because somebody finally gets it! #RachelsSisterForBachelorette
~ Rachel’s mother is uncomfortable with the word “love” at this point. She doesn’t like Bryan.
~ Her mom doesn’t think you can fall in love this quickly.
~ “I love your daughter.”
~ “I will be proposing at the end of this.”
~ Woah slow your role. You didn’t even ask her for permission.
~ Oh, now he asks. Too late.
~ Back from commercial and they are in Spain. Why? What is the point of this? Stay home. Go to Pittsburgh or something.
~ Oh it’s fantasy suite week. If you’re unfamiliar, this is the week where Rachel sleeps with three different guys in three days.
~ But don’t worry, a week from now she’ll only be proposed to one of them so it’s fine……
~ On the first date is Eric. “He’s used the word ‘love’ in a very friendly way.”
~ Please tell me they are running with the bulls.
~ NOPE. A helicopter. See, they could’ve done this in Pittsburgh.
~ They are making a wish and ringing a bell three times. Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls” plays in the background (this sentence is a lie).
~ In wrestling, if they ring the bell three times, it means the match is over. Adios, Eric?
~ They are at dinner now. I spy some dinner rolls! Some untouched, neglected, just want to be loved, dinner rolls.
~ Rachel says Eric has been dancing around his feelings, yet she has told him absolutely none of her feelings. No wonder the guy is hesitant.
~ But she can’t tell him because that ruins the suspense of the show. So basically, one sided relationships are being built and they don’t know if she feels the same way until the very end.
~ I need a donut. That exerted a lot of brain power.
~ “Nothing else matters.’ – Eric.
~ AHAHA OH NO HE DIDN’T. HE JUST QUOTED METALLICA! BUT I JUST MENTIONED METALLICA!
~ I am brilliant.
~ “I’m just here to say that um I’m in love with you.” – Eric
~ “…that um I’m…” – I guess the butter is the only smooth thing at the table.
~ Ok, but go back to quoting Metallica and making me look smart.
~ Rachel hands him a card that invites him to the fantasy suite. Chris Harrison signed the card.
~ This bothers me every year. Stay in your lane, Chris H. Why are you inviting people to fantasy suites on behalf of someone else? We just need you for when there is one rose left, that’s it.
~ The next morning, Eric sends Rachel off and forgets to wish her good luck on her overnight dates with the two other guys.
~ Normal Person Peter is up next.
~ They are off to a vineyard which means they must be saving the running with the bulls for Bryan, right?
~ Oh look! Another elderly man appearing out of nowhere to tell them how long he’s been married. Once is a coincidence. Every episode is a script. Enough!
~ Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I hope you get lice.
~ “Raquel y Pedro”
~ I want the stats on how many glasses of wine each person has had on this show, both on camera, and off.
~ Peter believes an engagement is the same as marriage. Rachel disagrees. Peter isn’t prepared to propose at the end.
~ But before they can debate, a little girl from behind the bushes pops out. No! Go away! Scram! These two don’t have all day to talk, just when the cameras are rolling!
~ Nevermind the whole “I’m not proposing to you at the end” thing, they go kiss each other in a bucket of grapes.
~ Peter wants her to write their names on his cork. Yeah, I’m not giving that context.
~ Rachel is saying she didn’t come this far to just have a boyfriend. She wants a proposal or she’s not picking you.
~ This is stupid.
~ Rachel wants the glitz and glamour of a TV proposal. Peter wants an actual wife in real life.
~ Oh good, it’s over.
The reunion show is next week and I’ll tell you right now, I’m not watching it. I’ll see you in two weeks for the finale.