Welcome back to another family friendly edition of The Bachelorette. I say “family friendly” because Rachel is meeting the families tonight. This should be fun, and embarrassing for all involved.
~ We start off with Eric in Baltimore. He is wearing a Canadian tuxedo.
~ They go for a drive and Eric points out a drug deal that’s going down. Romantic.
~ They are playing basketball on an empty court and Eric’s friend, Ralph, sneaks up on them.
~ “He’s the truth. I know you know.” – Ralph
~ Rachel is the first girl Eric is bringing home. This is also the first camera crew he’s bringing home. Two big moments. How will they capture it all? Oh…right. The cameras.
~ Eric’s family has a lot of energy and all 8(?) of them are squished together on a couch.
~ “She couldn’t watch PG-13 movies.” – Eric
~ Eric looks like his aunt, and his mom looks like his sister. I’m confused.
~ That hometown date was a bit bland.
~ Rachel is now in Miami to see Bryan.
~ Their first stop is Domino Park, as opposed to Domino’s Pizza. What a shame.
~ Domino’s Pizza forgot to cut my pizza once. I had to use a butter knife like a loser because university students DON’T KEEP PIZZA CUTTERS IN THEIR DORM ROOM.
~ Sorry, the grudge is still there.
~ Oh great, more staged mingling with the elderly. This reality show is so scripted.
~ Just once, I want a contestant to return to their hometown and say, “It’s alright here. I don’t really go out much.”
~ But no, it’s always, “I love my city. This city is me. I am this city.”
~ I’m shocked the producers didn’t make Bryan perform a chiropractic procedure on Rachel. Seems like something they’d do.
~ Just so you all know, when the final guy proposes to Rachel at the end of this, both of them will have seen the other’s family only once.
~ And that meeting will have been with cameras around, so no one is actually behaving like they normally would.
~ Bryan tells his mom that Rachel is “the one”. Drink!
~ The mom looks shocked.
~ I feel like Rachel describes each guy the same way.
~ “Open, confident, secure, ‘something about him’.”
~ Another bland hometown date. Where are all the wacky siblings?
~ “I am letting myself feel all the feels and it feels good.” – Rachel
~ “I am letting myself eat all the food and it feels nomnomnom.” – Me
~ Up next is Peter in Madison, Wisconsin.
~ He’s excited. He’s really excited. No kidding.
~ “I missed Peter.” – Rachel
~ “I really like Peter.” – Rachel
“I use short sentences.” – Rachel
~ They start the day by meeting some of Peter’s friends and they immediately vouch for him being a “good dude”.
~ Thanks, bruh. – Did I say that right?
~ This is why I’ve been calling him Normal Person Peter since about episode 2.
~ “I don’t know her outside of this.” – Peter
~ Peter is smart. He realizes this TV show has real life ramifications.
~ Question: How long are these guys supposed to be in love with Rachel before they propose to her. Six days? Seems quick, right?
~ Can I get some advanced analytical data on how many minutes each guy spends with Rachel? Just a running total for the entire season.
~ If they can calculate how many miles a soccer player runs during a game, they can calculate how many minutes Rachel spends with each contestant.
~ They are off to meet Peter’s fam jam, thank you Pam.
~ Office reference ^.
~ Peter is strategically holding his niece and Rachel is melting while watching them.
~ Peter’s mom “ships” Peter and Rachel, as the kids say.
~ Rachel doesn’t want a boyfriend at this end of this, which is what she might get with Peter. She wants an engagement.
~ If Rachel is so determined to get engaged at the end of this, doesn’t that mean she doesn’t really care if they aren’t ready to be engaged? She just wants the ring and proposal because that’s how this show normally ends.
~ I’m analyzing this show way too much. Someone do something funny.
~ Rachel is now meeting Dean in Colorado.
~ Dean is wearing a grey sweatshirt with a dress shirt underneath. I’ve never seen anyone do this before.
~ They are riding ATVs and wearing a youth size bicycle helmet.
~ Dean hasn’t talked to his father in two years, so their first conversation will be on national television. Oy.
~ They walk in the house and everyone is sitting on the floor. Dean asks where the table is because they would be sitting on the table if it were there? No Dean. Ask where the chairs/couch/bean bag chairs are! Ugh.
~ Dean’s father converted to Sikhism a few years ago.
~ Dean’s family has grown apart since his mother passed away.
~ Dean and his father are having a conversation/argument that probably shouldn’t be on TV.
~ Rachel sits down to talk with his father but although he’s glad that she’s there and has a relationship with Dean, I think he’s just done with this whole thing.
~ I don’t blame him.
~ The date is over and it’s Rose Ceremony time, but oh my God it’s Chris Harrison for the first time in two episodes.
~ Official Christopher Harrison Sleeve Update: Rolled Down. He means business.
~ Christobelle is now talking to Rachel about each hometown date. I’m going to fast forward through this because I have Monday Night Raw to watch.
~ Oh wait, she’s crying. I’ll stop fast forwarding.
~ “I feel selfish.” – Rachel
~ Selfish, as opposed to feeling shell fish.
~ Rose Ceremony time and Mean Dean is wearing a bow tie to honour the fallen Bow Tie Bros that came before him.
~ Bryan gets the first rose. I guess she got along with his mom.
~ Eric gets the second rose and I can hear Meghan “UGHHH” from here.
~ Normal Person Peter gets the final rose.
~ Dean is going home.
~ My bet is Dean is the next bachelor, since the only other options are the two guys who went home last week, who no one remembers, or…..no one.
~ I don’t really care for the rest of this episode. I need to find out what Kurt Angle’s secret is.
~ Dean is now in the limo and is bitter.
~ No one ever wears a seatbelt on this show.
~ They are going to Spain next week to meet Rachel’s family. Of course they are.
Adios muchachos and muchachas.
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