A Letter To Lauren

Dear Lauren,

You requested this letter exactly eleven months ago, but let’s ignore that, okay? My official excuse is this letter got stuck in a mailbox. You may wonder how that’s possible. So do I. But let’s not ask questions because sometimes our imagination is better than concrete answers.

Before I go any further, I notice a countdown clock (calendar?) on your blog. 37 days until your wedding! Congratulations! I know first-hand how stressful planning a wedding is and what you must be going through in the final weeks leading up to it.

Actually, I have no clue, but that sounded like a comforting statement to say, so I said it. Alright? Don’t hold it against me. 

I am curious what’s on the menu, though. 

The last wedding I went to, they served squash soup. I didn’t like it, so I ate it fast and pretended that it wasn’t burning my entire tongue and throat as I got rid of it. 

Out of all soups to serve, squash!?!?

If you’re serving squash soup at your wedding, I take back everything I just said. I’m sure it’ll be lovely.

You mentioned that you’re from Texas. I always hear that everything’s bigger in Texas. How literal should I take that? 

Is it a phrase that just pertains to food, or does it apply to other things? For instance, when you get in a limo, is it even bigger than a normal limo? Are forks bigger than normal forks? Are chairs bigger? Cars? Money? Microwaves?

How far does this “Everything’s bigger in Texas” thing go? Or is it basically just a motto that the state can rally around?

Sorry, I’m full of questions. That wasn’t my intention. 

As for a question you asked me (eleven months ago), you told me you wanted to hear about a world where each food has a family. 

This sort of request is right up my alley. 

Being in a food family is quite sad, actually. Think about it, the kitchen is basically a prison where food is held until it’s needed. The refrigerator is Cell Block C (the C stands for Cold). The apples make friends with other fruits in their drawer. It’s a bonding experience.

And then when a human takes an apple, and closes the fridge, the foods bow their heads in silence and listen to a cheesy rendition (because the cheese family sings) of “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan.

Each food may come from a different background, but they are all unified. You know, it’s like how the world should be, but isn’t. 

When you mix foods together, it’s as if they get married. Peanut butter grows up with the promise that, “One day you’re going to find the perfect piece of bread and grow old together.” They just don’t realize that their marriage will last five minutes before being “consume-ated” by a person’s teeth.

When kids bring their lunch to school, it’s an opportunity for food to see their long lost relatives one final time before their life ends. It’s a touching moment and brings a tear to their eyes, especially juice. That’s why juice boxes sweat – they’re crying.

I hope I did my best to paint a picture of a world where each food has a family. It isn’t all sad, but that’s what I chose to focus on for some reason. 

You also asked me what pets actually do when their owners leave the house.

I saw a video a few years ago where someone set up a camera in their house while they were at work, so they could see what their dog did all day. From what I remember, it was really depressing. The dog was afraid of sounds, stood by the door a lot waiting for someone to come back, and even sniffed the bedsheets to remind themselves of their owner.

Now, every pet may do that, or every pet may be different. 

I think cats do a lot during the day when no one is watching. It’s the only reason why they always seem to be tired when people are around.

I feel like as soon as humans leave the house, they turn the TV on and watch morning talk shows before transitioning into The Price is Right. Then they eat lunch, do some laundry, and lift some weights – chocolate bar bells. And then they might spend the next three hours on the phone with their cat friends down the road before getting together for some hop scotch.

By the time humans return, they’ve had a full day and pick a step on the staircase and stay there the rest of the night. They live a double life – that’s my theory.

As for dogs, I think they try to see how high they can jump and try to beat their personal record every day. I can also picture them staring at themselves in a mirror and wondering why no one told them they had broccoli in their teeth.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? I think so.

The major takeaway from this letter is that food and pets are exactly like human beings.

Well, that’s my time. 

I hope you enjoyed this letter, even though it’s eleven months after the fact. I wish you nothing but the best with your wedding and a lifetime of love and happiness and cheesy renditions of “I Will Remember You” by the cheddar in your fridge.

With peanut butter and bread,

Paul