A Letter To Lauren

Dear Lauren,

You requested this letter exactly eleven months ago, but let’s ignore that, okay? My official excuse is this letter got stuck in a mailbox. You may wonder how that’s possible. So do I. But let’s not ask questions because sometimes our imagination is better than concrete answers.

Before I go any further, I notice a countdown clock (calendar?) on your blog. 37 days until your wedding! Congratulations! I know first-hand how stressful planning a wedding is and what you must be going through in the final weeks leading up to it.

Actually, I have no clue, but that sounded like a comforting statement to say, so I said it. Alright? Don’t hold it against me. 

I am curious what’s on the menu, though. 

The last wedding I went to, they served squash soup. I didn’t like it, so I ate it fast and pretended that it wasn’t burning my entire tongue and throat as I got rid of it. 

Out of all soups to serve, squash!?!?

If you’re serving squash soup at your wedding, I take back everything I just said. I’m sure it’ll be lovely.

You mentioned that you’re from Texas. I always hear that everything’s bigger in Texas. How literal should I take that? 

Is it a phrase that just pertains to food, or does it apply to other things? For instance, when you get in a limo, is it even bigger than a normal limo? Are forks bigger than normal forks? Are chairs bigger? Cars? Money? Microwaves?

How far does this “Everything’s bigger in Texas” thing go? Or is it basically just a motto that the state can rally around?

Sorry, I’m full of questions. That wasn’t my intention. 

As for a question you asked me (eleven months ago), you told me you wanted to hear about a world where each food has a family. 

This sort of request is right up my alley. 

Being in a food family is quite sad, actually. Think about it, the kitchen is basically a prison where food is held until it’s needed. The refrigerator is Cell Block C (the C stands for Cold). The apples make friends with other fruits in their drawer. It’s a bonding experience.

And then when a human takes an apple, and closes the fridge, the foods bow their heads in silence and listen to a cheesy rendition (because the cheese family sings) of “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan.

Each food may come from a different background, but they are all unified. You know, it’s like how the world should be, but isn’t. 

When you mix foods together, it’s as if they get married. Peanut butter grows up with the promise that, “One day you’re going to find the perfect piece of bread and grow old together.” They just don’t realize that their marriage will last five minutes before being “consume-ated” by a person’s teeth.

When kids bring their lunch to school, it’s an opportunity for food to see their long lost relatives one final time before their life ends. It’s a touching moment and brings a tear to their eyes, especially juice. That’s why juice boxes sweat – they’re crying.

I hope I did my best to paint a picture of a world where each food has a family. It isn’t all sad, but that’s what I chose to focus on for some reason. 

You also asked me what pets actually do when their owners leave the house.

I saw a video a few years ago where someone set up a camera in their house while they were at work, so they could see what their dog did all day. From what I remember, it was really depressing. The dog was afraid of sounds, stood by the door a lot waiting for someone to come back, and even sniffed the bedsheets to remind themselves of their owner.

Now, every pet may do that, or every pet may be different. 

I think cats do a lot during the day when no one is watching. It’s the only reason why they always seem to be tired when people are around.

I feel like as soon as humans leave the house, they turn the TV on and watch morning talk shows before transitioning into The Price is Right. Then they eat lunch, do some laundry, and lift some weights – chocolate bar bells. And then they might spend the next three hours on the phone with their cat friends down the road before getting together for some hop scotch.

By the time humans return, they’ve had a full day and pick a step on the staircase and stay there the rest of the night. They live a double life – that’s my theory.

As for dogs, I think they try to see how high they can jump and try to beat their personal record every day. I can also picture them staring at themselves in a mirror and wondering why no one told them they had broccoli in their teeth.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? I think so.

The major takeaway from this letter is that food and pets are exactly like human beings.

Well, that’s my time. 

I hope you enjoyed this letter, even though it’s eleven months after the fact. I wish you nothing but the best with your wedding and a lifetime of love and happiness and cheesy renditions of “I Will Remember You” by the cheddar in your fridge.

With peanut butter and bread,

Paul

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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22 Responses to A Letter To Lauren

  1. Lauren says:

    If I could LOVE this I would! This was absolutely exactly what I needed to read on this early Friday morning. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. 🙂
    As for the food at my wedding, their will definitely not be squash soup. I don’t eat squash, but food is disgustingly expensive to serve at a wedding that my fiance and I are only serving dessert, so there will be a build your own ice cream sundae area as well as mason jar desserts with banana pudding and something else and of course cup cakes. I think it will go over very well!
    As for Texas, the physical things aren’t always bigger… well cars perhaps… almost everyone drives a huge pickup truck, but I think it mainly refers to our hearts and loyalty.
    That food thing was genius! I give my food feelings all the time and that was pretty darn close. I’m laughing, because they came out with that movie Sausage Party (I never saw it, but from the trailer it was the closest thing to food having feelings too) lol.
    My dog stays in her kennel while I am gone and sometimes I feel bad she is all cooped up, but she rarely complains, so I really think she just sleeps. My you are totally right about cats haha I couldn’t quit laughing.

    Paul you are awesome and I so appreciate this letter! It was perfect!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Paul says:

      I’m so glad you enjoyed the letter! I apologize it took me so long.

      A dessert only wedding sounds fantastic. I’m a huge fan of banana pudding and cupcakes is it too late to invite myself haha.

      When I was a kid I imagine my toys had feelings and that they actually moved around when I wasn’t looking (like Toy Story in real life), so I’m not judging you at all for giving food feelings lolol.

      One day you should film your dog when you go out and see if it just lays there or howls, or scratches itself lol I don’t have a pet but would have too much fun trying to get to know it when I’m not there.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lauren says:

    Reblogged this on A Precious Penny and commented:
    Thank you Paul for writing me this letter! It was beyond perfect and made me smile so big!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. sawndei says:

    Wow… Nicely written

    Liked by 1 person

  4. MagLyM says:

    For some reason, I think artichokes would be total jerks of the fridge. Such a great post!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Dutch Lion says:

    Paul………you are nuts my friend. LOL! Very creative and unusual. Unique, some might say. Keep having fun. You’ll make it big someday.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Barb Knowles says:

    Congratulations, Lauren! And this blog post is like a wedding gift to you. I’m jealous (not about the wedding..I’m happily married) but because my letter from Paul won’t come out for another 5 years. Paul, I LOVED your kitchen is like a prison simile. I feel bad for my food now. But then the dogs when we’re away was SAAAAAAD! Maybe each day they think we won’t return. Last point, I love squash soup, so even though this is the wrong time of year for it (oh that depends on where you live), I hope that you serve it, Lauren. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I found it absolutely hilarious: the jaunty (but also slightly aloof) air of a cat, and the goofy and friendly warmth of a dog.
    And as a vegetarian, I’ve often told my fellow meat-eaters how terrible the whole ‘eating animals’ situation is. Now, I feel terrible about this; all those poor fruits and vegetables, held hostage (grins). But it also makes me wonder about their relationships, you know, in cell block C. Like, the greens vs the yellows; for example, the ‘broccolis don’t get along with carrots’ sort of thing. Then there’s a friendly fruit (I think pomegranate is really sweet) that reminds them that life is short. And there’s that one guy who gets everybody riled up (that would be the pickle), bitter and sour from the atrocities he has faced. The salad refuses to participate. I should stop.
    Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this post, and I think you should write a comic about this – food, animals, and so on. It should make for a very interesting read.
    With pizzas and cheer,
    Vleminxc K.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha I bet you’ll think twice the next time you put a fruit or vegetable in a (time out) drawer in the fridge. I quite enjoyed your banter about which foods would act which way lolol.
      I don’t know if writing a comic is something I’d be good at but maybe a short story? We’ll see. Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, I was thinking like a recurring theme, a ‘signature comic’. I don’t know if I described it properly. (Garfield or Calvin & Hobbes type of thing). Anyway, you never know until you try.
        Short story sounds great too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I know what you meant! I don’t really read comic strips so don’t really know the style, and don’t ask me to try and draw anything lol

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Okay, no drawings(:
    But you do have good imagination. ‘Unusual’ does describe it. Whatever you try, all the best (although, you won’t need it).

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This is cute 🙂 I would like to follow Lauren now.

    And OMG. You know how I was looking around for ideas on what to do on my blog? Maybe I should write letters like you do Paul!! What do you think?

    Liked by 1 person

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