Episode 5 of Haircuts & Handbags starts now.
~ Bryan The Chiropractor is kissing Rachel because he’s not caught up in high school drama with the other guys.
~ Kenny and Lee are hashing things out with a passive aggressive tone to their conversation.
~ I just remembered this is still Date #2 from last week. We still have a one-on-one to get to and then this week’s dates.
~ All together now…UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
~ These guys need access to technology. They are losing their minds without it because some of them don’t know how to play well with others.
~ “I’m here to mess with everybody and it’s working.” – Lee
~ Jack The Attorney finally gets to go on his date after an entire week has passed in TV time.
~ They are eating oysters and gagging. Fun date.
~ Now they are dancing because if there’s one thing you should do immediately after eating, it’s move around a lot and shake around the contents of your stomach.
~ Rachel says something is “missing” with her and Jack. My guess is a sense of reality, but it could just be something small like a napkin.
~ Back at the house, Will acts as Lee’s guidance counsellor.
~ Update: I still don’t know what they’re fighting about and I still don’t care.
~ Jack The Attorney is basically ready to marry Rachel after this date. Pump the brakes, man.
~ “I can definitely see myself falling for Rachel.” Drink!
~ Rachel doesn’t think there is any romance between them, while Jack is already picking out the menu at their wedding.
~ “I love parents.” – Jack
~ Rachel is giving him the “I don’t want to be here anymore” look. Poor Jack. He’s one of the normal ones.
~ He doesn’t even know it’s coming. He’s been led on all day and now here she comes with the shovel.
~ And now she’s burying him.
~ “No rose for you.” – Rachel, sorta.
~ Right now the casting director and their assistants are wondering, “Why did they have no chemistry? They were both attorneys!”
~ Woah woah woah, who is Adam the Real Estate Agent?
~ Rachel cancelled the cocktail party. There is a God!
~ We are 40 minutes into this episode, and last week’s episode still hasn’t concluded. This show, man, this show.
~ Eric the punching bag (New nickname alert) gets a rose.
~ Normal Person Peter gets a rose.
~ Adam – Mr. Who? (Double new nickname alert) gets a rose.
~ Guidance Counsellor Will gets a rose.
~ Wait, who is Matt??
~ Mr. Who Number 2 – Matt – gets a rose and we have a triple new nickname alert.
~ I’m convinced they bring new guys in throughout the season just to add bodies in the background.
~ WHO IS ALEX????
~ Alex gets a rose and we have a quadruple new nickname alert because he is now Mr. Who Number 3.
~ I’ll have a team name for Adam, Matt, and Alex by the end of this episode.
~ Former best man, Josiah, gets a rose.
~ Anthony gets a rose.
~ Kenny gets a rose and starts talking about Lee.
~ LEE GETS THE FINAL ROSE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
~ Tickle Monster doesn’t get a rose and The Odd Toddlers are no more.
~ Iggy is going home.
~ I guarantee you that Rachel could cut this group down to four people right now and not look back.
~ They are off to Oslo, Norway. Why?
~ As we head to commercial, I want to make a prediction. We will come back and Rachel will be in Norway and say, “I can’t think of a better place to fall in love than Norway.” It’s coming.
~ SHE DIDN’T SAY IT. RACHELLLLLLLLLL, STICK TO THE SCRIPT FROM THE LAST 15 YEARS!
~ Rachel: “When you travel with someone, you really get to know that person.”
~ Okay, but this isn’t exactly travelling with someone. This is just doing the same thing, but in a different place. Go on a 10 hour road trip with one of them and then get back to me.
~ Rachel picks Bryopractor (I combined Bryan and Chiropractor) on the first date because he’s the only one not wearing black or grey.
~ They go to the top of an Olympic ski jump for the purpose of repelling down.
~ I’ll bet you my left AND right sock that they kiss while repelling.
~ And there it is. No socks for any of you who bet against me.
~ If she picks Bryan in the end is it because he’s legitimately her soulmate, or does he just seem like the best option out of this crop?
~ This show is a matter of circumstance, to an extent.
~ Rachel doesn’t understand why Bryan is still single and that scares her
because in the back of her mind she probably thinks he has a secret life.
~ Bryan and Rachel are at “dinner” now which means we get to watch them not eat.
~ This show is like any other television show. You never see them eat or come within 30 feet of a toilet.
~ Bryan just told her he’s falling in love with her. It’s Week 5, if you’re keeping score at home.
~ She is now giving him a rose as we see all the wasted food on their plates.
~ When Bryan talks, he actually sounds mature. What a new concept for this show.
~ The next date card arrives and Rachel says she’s looking for a guy who’s good with his hands. Really? Then why did you send Tickle Monster home?
~ Lee and Kenny realize they are going on the third date which is a 2-on-1 date. She’s going to send both home, you heard it here first.
~ Bryan tells Kenny that he should be on his best behaviour
because Rachel is giving out stickers and they are hard to come by.
~ If you’re on a group date in Week 5 and haven’t had a 1-on-1 date yet, you’re not the one.
~ They are playing European Handball! This was one of my favourite sports in gym class, back when I could actually throw a ball fast and hard without worrying about my arm buckling.
~ Peter says he has no idea how to play and has never done anything like it. Peter, this is probably the simplest game you’ll ever learn. Rock, Paper, Scissors is more complicated.
~ This is the part where I’m supposed to mention that Dean is wearing a jock strap on the outside of his uniform. Shoutout to @GenealogyJen on Twitter for asking me to include that!
~ Will was like Jordan in the ’97 finals, according to Rachel.
~ OH MY DOG, Kenny is FaceTiming his daughter and asked her if she got a sticker at school today. Remember earlier I joked that Kenny would have to be on his best behaviour if he wanted a sticker?? Oh man, I am too good. TOO good.
~ Also, I believe I mentioned earlier that these guys were going crazy without technology. Well, lo and behold, a cellphone makes an appearance! Again, I am too good.
~ “Rachel is picking between a man and a snake.” Drink!
~ 37 minutes left in this episode and I have 15% battery life. Gonna be tight.
~ Apparently, we’re at the point where it’s not just about having fun. It’s about getting serious to find a husband. Well it’s about time.
~ Rachel “saw a different side of Will” as they kissed in a room without lights.
~ I think two members of Who’s Clues were just shown making Rachel happy.
~ Oh yeah, Mr. Who, Mr. Who Number 2, and Mr. Who Number 3, will now be known as Who’s Clues. It’s a play on Blue’s Clues. If you don’t know what that is, I don’t care.
~ And now for the world premiere of the Who’s Clues theme song: “We just got a rose. We just got a rose. We just got a rose. I wonder who it’s from?”
~ Josiah just told Rachel that she is the woman for him, after leading with: my dad told my mom she was the woman for him on their second date.
~ Ohhhh Josiah. Loose lips sink ships and you’re the Titanic.
~ “I just want to grow old with you.”
~ Stop it.
~ Rachel retorts with, “When we talk, you don’t really ask questions about me.”
~ Back at the house, the date card arrives for Lee and Kenny. It’s a 2-on-1 date. Or in wrestling terms, an intergender handicap match.
~ Kenny calls Lee a snake, but Kenny calls himself a Pitbull in the wrestling ring.
~ Snake vs. Pitbull? I don’t like when people/species fight out of their weight class.
~ Chris Harrison makes an appearance on another date card where he ominously wrote that one will stay and one will go. This brings us to everyone’s favourite update…..
~ Official Christopher Y. Harrison Sleeve Update: Not Applicable.
~ Rachel likes Peter because he pays attention to her, rather than the other guys.
~ They are now “mingling” with each other in the hot tub, as the rest of the guys are probably just sitting on a couch gossiping and adjusting the height of their socks.
~ Rachel gives the rose to Will. What a splash of water to the face to Peter.
~ “I don’t want to fall in love with someone who doesn’t love me back.” Drink!
~ And now for the ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages in attendance this evening, and the millions, and The Rock means millions (wrestling reference, don’t worry about it), watching at home, it is tiiiiiiiiiime for the main event of the evening! Sponsored by Kleenex – catching snot since 1923. Sanctioned by the Norwegian Athletic Commission.
~ Fighting out of the red corner from Hairmatopia, he is The Spray in your Way, Pee Wee Lee!
~ And fighting out of the blue corner all the way from Pretty Boyville, he is the Pretty Boy Pitbull, Kenny “don’t call me Larry” King!
~ They hop on a helicopter and away we go.
~ This date definitely spills over into next week’s episode. They won’t rush this.
~ Oh no, I just realized next week’s episode is actually tomorrow. Ughhhhh.
~ They went all the way to the wilderness to sit in a chair at a table next to the water and a Christmas tree. What an unnecessary effort. If she marries one of them, is this where they’ll live?
~ Kenny got lured into the trap of getting into drama with another guy on this show. The producers definitely pushed for it by constantly asking him to comment on it in his confessionals.
~ And on shows like this, they coach you on how to respond. That’s why people always say, “I am definitely falling in love with ___” because the question they’re asked is, “Are you falling in love with ___?” They can’t just say “yes.” They need to frame the answer.
~ Kenny likes to talk and he won’t back down. He’s a wrestler. The producers knew that.
~ For three episodes now, Kenny has been telling Rachel he wants her to see what they can be. Alright Kenny, then show her.
~ 12 minutes left; 8% battery. We’re gonna make it after allllll.
~ Lee tells Rachel that Kenny tried to pull him out of a van. Pics or it didn’t happen, bro.
~ I interrupt this award-winning edition of Viewing Notes for an exclusive interview with Lee.
~ Hey Lee, why do you think Rachel should keep you? “Kenny is the worst Kenny I’ve ever met named Kenny in my entire life of meeting guys named Kenny.”
~ Follow-up question for Lee: Do you see yourself marrying Rachel one day? “Have I mentioned that Kenny thought there would be stickers on this date?”
~ Now back to
Haircuts and Handbags The Bachelorette.
~ Rachel relays to Kenny that Lee told her that Kenny has a dark side and now Rachel is thinking that she can’t trust Kenny because Lee said what he said about Kenny and now Rachel LeeKennyRachelLebefbkdjrejjrbbjrbkrcvhjrbbfhjrhjlb.
~ This is stupid. She isn’t marrying any of them.
~ The episode ends with Kenny walking down a hill laughing at Lee. Charming.
See you tomorrow for Episode 6, I guess.
Follow me on Twitter – @CappyTalks