We are back after a one week hiatus due to the NBA Finals. Oh how I wish the hiatus was longer. Let the pettiness continue.
~ Lee has his hair looking extra avalanche-y tonight, so you know things are going to happen in a flurry.
~ If you missed it, there was a well-worded joke in that first note.
~ Eric is defending himself as the guys argue about who knows what.
~ Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King is talking to Rachel as Lee stands over them like a child who’s waiting for an adult to open their juice box.
~ One guy doesn’t know what the word “quirks” means.
~ Mean Dean implies to the camera that Lee is racist. A bunch of articles on the internet will agree with him. Lee’s life is ruined.
~ Rachel is talking to a guy I have never seen before, while Lee and Kenny argue about something that I still don’t know.
~ PBP Kenny K. is about to put him in an ankle lock.
~ If you watch this show and still think it’s about falling in love, you’re wrong. Sorry.
~ We’re at the second commercial break and I’m still confused by what’s going on, but no one is in a good mood. Maybe I’ve been zoning out.
~ Well what do you know, in walks Chris Harrison to join the fellas.
~ Official Chris Harrison Sleeve Update: Rolled Down.
~ Christopher says the weight and gravity of these decisions are starting to weigh on Rachel.
~ Yeah, she’s trying to figure out a way to send 13 of them home at once.
~ Will The Thrill gets a rose.
~ Mean Dean gets a rose.
~ “We’re here for one reason, and that is to find a life partner in Rachel.” – Adam
~ Oh, Adam. What a stupid thing to say. What I find ridiculous is every year they bring in 30 “contestants” and all of them think the bachelor/bachelorette is their soulmate. Rarely, if ever, do they self-evict because they don’t see a future. They all see a future. That’s ridiculous and unlikely.
~ The last member of The Odd Toddlers, Tickle Monster, gets a rose.
~ Normal Person Peter, gets a rose.
~ Mr. Right Reasons (Adam) gets a rose.
~ Bryan The Chiropractor and Matt get roses.
~ Bow Tie Bro and Law Law Land member, Josiah, gets a rose.
~ Radio Show Host Iggy gets a rose.
~ Kenny gets a rose.
~ Lee gets the final rose, BECAUSE THIS SHOW ISN’T ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE.
~ Controversy creates cash, kids.
~ Bow Tie Bro and Radio Show Host, Diggy, goes home tonight. He’s been booted off the 104.7 The Blurrr morning show.
~ They are headed to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.
~ It’s episode 4 and Jack is still saying he can’t wait to get to know her more. If you’re still saying that after the third episode, just go home.
~ Mean Dean gets the first one-on-one date.
~ Oh fun, they’re having a picnic.
~ “Hey Boo-Boo nothing like a pic-a-nic basket.” – Yogi Bear
~ This is an adult picnic. They’re sitting on the hood of a jeep with champagne.
~ Here comes a blimp to pick them up. Mean Dean is afraid of heights and is already speculating that this blimp might crash with him in it.
~ Dean is about to soil himself, so Rachel puts his mind at ease by sitting in the driver’s seat of the blimp.
~ Dean: “I wouldn’t wanna be up here with anyone else.” Well, you don’t really have a choice.
~ Now the blimp flies by the place the guys are staying and they instantly feel insecure and feel the need to say the 7-year age gap between Dean and Rachel will be their downfall.
~ Eh, probably.
~ Back at the house, again – the guys get the group date card and Josiah calls Lee a snake, but not to his face.
~ Dean and Rachel are now having dinner (which means we will never actually see them put a piece of food in their mouth) in the middle of nowhere and Rachel expresses concerns to the camera that Dean is young. Here we go.
~ Dean opens up about his mother, who passed away from breast cancer when he was a kid.
~ He gets a rose and then they walk down the street to join a concert by a guy named Russell Dickerson. They stand on a podium and dance while everyone in the audience films them with their phone.
~ Group date time. All the drama makers are on this date. This should go south in about 3 minutes.
~ They’re going on a boat.
~ Throw someone over. Throw someone over. Throw someone over. Throw someone over.
~ These guys are having an impromptu dance circle, so Rachel can see what she won’t be missing out on when she doesn’t marry any of them.
~ Now we are having a push-up contest. God, I hate push-ups.
~ I’ve never seen someone voluntarily do push-ups without looking cocky, egotistical, self-centred, and full of themselves. Yes, those all means the same thing.
~ I can do jumping jacks but you don’t see me doing them. I don’t need to show off.
~ Now Kenny is rapping.
~ Oh no, now Normal Person Peter is rapping.
~ Dancing, push-ups, and rapping. What a boat ride.
~ I’m jumping in on this rap battle. These guys are about to be surfed. Or served. Whatever.
~ Yo yo, I’m sittin’ on my couch watchin’ The Bachelorette, this date makes me feel mal a la tete. Mal a la tete, their feet are wet, a rose they will not get, oh where is Chris Harrison, mal a la tete.
~ By the way, “Mal a la tete” means “Headache” in french. It’s missing some accents but trust me.
~ They get off the boat and Rachel has a surprise for them.
~ BA GAWD, IT’S A SPELLING BEE AHAHAHAHAHAHA THESE GUYS DON’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL.
~ Eric: “I thought it would be like a wet t-shirt, maybe a dancing contest.”
~ Oh I forgot, Christoph D. Harrison is there.
~ Official C.H. Sleeve Update: Rolled up!
~ These guys are nervous because none of them can spell.
~ The first word is “Squirt”. Adam spells it correctly.
~ The second word is “Passion”. Alex spells it correctly.
~ Tickle Monster spells “Caress” correctly, of course.
~ Kenny must spell “Champagne”. No chance.
~ He got it wrong. Told you. He swapped the g and the n.
~ Iggy must spell “Boudoir”. He spells “Bourdeaux” for some reason.
~ Eric must spell “Facade” but spells “Physde” instead. Hahahahaha this is painful.
~ Josiah spells “Stunning” and then Anthony must spell “Boutonniere.”
~ This is rigged, you see, because if Josiah wins, more drama will be caused.
~ Oh look, Josiah wins.
~ He didn’t spell any words that an eighth grader couldn’t spell, but is bragging about having “brains”. Slow down.
~ “I’m not Rachel the Bachelorette, I’m not Rachel the lawyer all day.” Oh, then this show has done a poor job of showing us otherwise, so far.
~ I’m getting bored. She’s talking to each of the guys on the group date.
~ Josiah is drinking from his spelling bee trophy and spilled some on his crotch.
~ Iggy is with Rachel and uses his time to get to know her to tell her that he doesn’t like Josiah.
~ Hey Iggy, don’t be surprised when she sends you home because she doesn’t know who you are.
~ Great, now Iggy goes back and tells Josiah he was just talking to Rachel about him.
~ That’s it, I’m cancelling the morning show on 104.7 The Blurrr. I’ve had enough of this.
~ “Iggy is like a gossip queen.” – Eric
~ We still have a one-on-one date with Jack The Attorney to get to. I doubt we will. This show would rather let us watch grown men complain about each other.
~ Now Lee is talking to Rachel and is rehashing the drama from the last Rose Ceremony.
~ Send them all home Rachel. Take Normal Person Peter and Mean Dean to the Final 2 and send everyone else home right now.
~ “He could take the fake WWE wrestling somewhere else.” – Lee, talking about Kenny.
~ For starters, he’s not in WWE, bro. He’s in Ring of Honor. And if you think wrestling is fake, get in a ring with a wrestler and let them handle you. Then tell me how fake it is.
~ Now Rachel confronts Kenny about his beef with Lee. This is playground gossip.
~ Dear future contestants, you’re not going to “win” if you get caught up in drama with the other people in the house. Just so you know.
~ Lee is drunk, I think.
~ Kenny says his handshake matches his smile. Okay.
~ Kenny goes in to grab Lee so they can have a talk. Great. More useless banter.
~ The episode is over! Oh no, this show is on twice next week and Lee and Kenny go on a 2-on-1 date.
~ I don’t know if I could do these viewing notes much longer. This might be the last time. This show has no point.