Have you ever had the feeling that a bug is watching you? No, just me? Alright. Let’s get started then.
~ We pick up where we left off last week – shamed Bowtie Bro member, DeMario, is back to
do what the producers tell him beg for forgiveness.
~ All the guys are huddled outside like there are a bunch of police cars on the street and they want to know what’s going on.
~ Rachel is telling him off and sends him away before walking into the open arms of Christopher C. Harrison.
~ “She is here to find love.” Drink!
~ “Rachel is here for the right reasons.” Drink!
~ Odd Toddler member, Tickle Monster, has a pair of big hands on. If I say any more, this post will be Rated R.
~ Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King is showing her photos of him and his daughter.
~ Will the Thrill is playing basketball with her outside. They are using a children’s hoop. Weak.
~ “This show is about, ‘do you want to find love?'” – Blake. Ahahahahahah no it’s not.
~ Whaboom tells Rachel that Blake might have a crush on him because Blake stood over his bed with a banana. #ParanormalActivity
~ Rachel then tells this story to Blake and he denies eating the banana. That’s it. He stood over his bed while he slept, though.
~ Hush little Whaboom don’t say a word, Blakey’s gonna buy you a stalking bird.
~ Time for the Rose Ceremony and Rachel gives the most cliché speech you can imagine.
~ Bryan the Chiropractor sticks around.
~ Who’s Bryce?
~ Morning Show host, Diggy, is wearing a Bow Tie tonight to make it look like he’s apart of The Bowtie Bros.
~ Who’s Anthony?
~ Tickle Monster gets a rose.
~ Who the hell is Jack?
~ I don’t know what’s going on here, but who are these guys?
~ Oh good, Kenny gets a rose.
~ GRADY???? WHO????
~ They put a bunch of stand-ins in this episode, I’m convinced.
~ Iggy gets a rose. Come onnnn, Diggy.
~ One rose left, Whaboom, Little Drummer Boy Blake, and Diggy don’t have roses. Oh no.
~ The Morning Show duo lives another week! 104.7 The Blurrrrr.
~ Whaboom and Blake are going home. Thank goodness. They can share a cab back to the hotel.
~ The Tickle Monster is the last man standing in The Odd Toddlers. Who saw that coming?
~ Blake says Whaboom is the reason why he’s going home. It has nothing to do with his personality and attitude.
~ “Go back to your protein shakes.” Drink!
~ Whaboom and Blake are cutting a wrestling promo right now. They could come to blows any second.
~ Chris P. Harrison greets the guys (who are all wearing shirts you would let a child vomit on) in the living room and goes full blown “fellas” on them.
~ Official Chris Harrison Sleeve Update: ROLLED UP
~ Two group dates and a one on one date is announced and Chris can go back to doing nothing for the next four days.
~ The guys are announced for the date and after each name, everyone politely claps like it’s a college graduation.
~ They are going on the Ellen show. Rachel has too many famous “friends”.
~ Ellen tickles the Tickle Monster. I think she wants to be a ring valet for this Odd Toddler.
~ These guys are nervous about being on a TV show. They don’t realize they are already on a TV show.
~ Ellen has the guys take their shirts off and go dance for money in the audience of middle-aged women.
~ The game “Never Have I Ever” is a great way to get to know someone, according to Rachel. Yeah, she’s serious about this.
~ Camper Fred has a thing for older women. Well yeah. She was his camp counsellor.
~ Camper Fred is tired of hearing Rachel call him a bad little boy. I am too. Just send him home, Rachel. This ain’t gonna work. We both know it.
~ Alex is nervous around Rachel. Are you sure it’s not all the cameras ten feet away from you?
~ Rachel just kissed four guys within one minute. None of them were Camper Fred.
~ “I’ve been waiting to kiss her for 20 years.” – You know who
~ Camper Fred asks Rachel for permission to kiss her. In five minutes, he’s gonna ask her for permission to go the washroom.
~ THEY’RE KISSING.
~ Rachel is about to hand out the group date rose and pulls Camper Fred aside. I’ll bet you $10 and a slice of pizza that she sends him home.
~ “It was like a little boy was kissing me.” Poor Freddy.
~ She’s sending him home. I keep the $10 and pizza slice.
~ Rachel is walking him out. I won’t make a joke like his parents are coming to sign him out early or anything. Nope.
~ Anthony has the one on one date at a rodeo. Psych. They are riding horses down Rodeo Drive because this show likes to be unrealistic.
~ Are these two horses also on a date? What are they looking for in a partner?
~ They have brought the horses into a store to shop for boots. Was there no room to parallel park in the street?
~ Anthony gets a cowboy hat and belt and Rachel is falling in love with him.
~ They have now stopped at an ATM to pick up Horse Cupcakes.
~ That was the stupidest sentence I’ve ever written.
~ Rachel feels like they are building a relationship by going everywhere on horses. “I could get use to this.”
~ The horse just pooped in a store. This is just stupid.
~ Anthony is a good guy. Why is he on this show?
~ Anthony is getting a rose because it was his first time on a horse on Rodeo Drive and he was very brave.
~ Back at the mansion, Eric is freaking out. Probably because he’s been locked in a mansion without access to sanity.
~ Eric and Iggy are arguing about what they are arguing about, I think.
~ Don’t strain your voice, Iggy, you need it for the morning show. Think of the people who are stuck in traffic, man!
~ The editing of this episode is setting Eric up to be sent home.
~ Rachel has brought more friends for a group date. They are ex-constestants. Corinne is one of them.
~ Enough with the friends. Every group date has had them. ENOUGH. Do the producers not think Rachel is entertaining enough for the viewers, so they need cameos? That’s it, isn’t it?
~ They are on a party bus and the guys are dancing on a pole. I’m noticing a theme with these group dates.
~ It’s stupidity.
~ The bus stops at a saloon because did you know Rachel is from Texas and apparently can’t do anything other than Texas-themed dates?
~ They will be mud wrestling. Good thing Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King is there.
~ “This is all about getting out of your comfort zone.” Wrong. It’s about looking like a fool on TV and embarrassing your family.
~ Kenny King just cut a promo and I realized why I’ve never heard of him before this show.
~ If you don’t know what “cut a promo” means, sorry.
~ Bryce won the first fight after him and his opponent grabbed a hold and hoped for the best.
~ Eric and Mean Dean go at it. Dean wins because Eric is uncomfortable.
~ PTP Kenny K. opens with a belly to belly suplex and continues with a bunch of regular suplexes.
~ His opponent was a guy named Jack Stone. I’ve never seen him before. I think he was a jobber they brought in for that match.
~ Again, if you don’t know what a “jobber” is, sorry.
~ Kenny slams Mean Dean in the second round.
~ The finals is Kenny vs. Bryce.
~ “Kenny is like a professional wrestler.” Ugh. No need for the word “like” in that sentence, bro. Clean up your vocabulary.
~ Bryce wins!…because wrestling outcomes are predetermined and it made more sense for the underdog to win.
~ Rachel’s friends aren’t impressed with Eric. Rachel is shocked. The viewers are not.
~ Rachel is sitting on a bench and one by one the guys come talk to her. Saturday Night Live ran this exact sketch. I’m serious.
~ Rachel tells Eric she wants to get to know him without rushing it, or beating a clock. Well that’s great, Rach, but this show lasts for two months and we’re in week three. Soooo the clock is ticking.
~ Eric is told there are guys in the house who would vote to evict him faster than they could put gel in their hair.
~ All these guys ever talk about is which guy should or shouldn’t be there, and how gracefully Rachel deals with the misfits. That’s it.
~ Eric and Lee have a verbal spat.
~ Eric is wearing a scarf like a pilot.
~ WOAH. Eric is getting the group date rose. This will cause some controversy.
~ Morning Show Host Iggy is mad that Eric got a rose and tells Rachel about their disagreement.
~ Rachel is told that Eric was questioning how serious she is taking this. Booooorring.
~ Bowtie Bro Josiah cuts in. Thank you.
~ Iggy sits down with Eric to explain to him why he just ratted him out to Rachel.
~ Now Lee is talking to Rachel about how Eric was yelling at Iggy.
~ Everyone on this show is petty.
~ Rachel goes to find Eric because ahh I don’t even care anymore.
~ Three minutes left. Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s gooooo.
~ Eric calls a house meeting as if it’s Big Brother and calls everyone out for making this last week about him. He wants to be left alone.
~ Eric, stop talking. House meetings are never a good idea…oh, he’s raising his voice now. Perfect.
~ To Be Continued. There is a God.
If I do this again next week, there is something wrong with me. This show has hit the painful stage about a week earlier than usual.
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