Tonight I watched baseball, wrestling, and now The Bachelorette. I also ate chicken wings with lasagna. My head is going to be in a weird place soon, if it isn’t already.
~ Last season, Episode 2 brought us a sketchy photographer in a man romper (I call them Brompers – Bro Rompers), Nick kissing everyone within a 100 mile radius, and Corinne revealing herself to the world. My hopes are high tonight.
~ Well what a surprise, it’s Chris Harrison! And his sleeves are rolled up!
~ “I hope everyone is here for the right reasons.” Drink!
~ Two group dates and a one-on-one date is on the menu tonight.
~ Oh by the way, I’m giving Blake the nickname: Little Drummer Boy because he is an aspiring drummer and came in with a marching band last week.
~ The first group date begins and all the guys are dressed in dark t-shirts because they went shopping together. Took lots of change room selfies, I bet.
~ Of note, Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, Little Drummer Boy Blake, Morning Show Host Iggy, and The Odd Toddlers – Whaboom and Tickle Monster, are on this date. Thank you, producers.
~ They’re playing football in non-athletic clothing so Rachel can see who sweats easily.
~ Rachel has brought her “friends” to help her today – Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.
~ Now I wish I brought a friend to help me with this blog post.
~ The men have to go through an obstacle course to see if they are husband material.
~ In wrestling, this would be considered a “Three Stages of Hell” match.
~ So what we have here is a mixture of Punk’d and Fear Factor.
~ They have to change a diaper, put on a baby holder thing, vacuum, unclog a drain full of hair, find a ring in another drain, and then set a table.
~ The losers go to a dog house and the winner wins over Rachel’s heart without even learning her birthday.
~ And they’re off!
~ “I poop every day so I feel I can handle it alright.” – Iggy
~ All of these guys took off with their vacuum without plugging it in. They all suck.
~ Ahahahahahaha get it!? It’s a vacuum pun! Ah what’s the point…
~ Whaboom goes to find the ring in the drain, but he’s drowning the baby in the process. Why am I laughing so hard?
~ Whaboom gives Kenny King a stiff arm and the Pretty Boy Pitbull sells it like the wrestler he is.
~ Whaboom wins the contest and screams, “I’M HUSBAND MATERIAL”. Then he SPIKED the BABY on the GROUND.
~ Viewing Notes will resume in five minutes. Paul is on the floor in hysterics.
~ Man, I haven’t laughed that hard in years.
~ Little Drummer Boy Blake is throwing a hissy fit because he lost and then mic-dropped his baby. Not cool, LDBB.
~ They’re spending the evening at an arcade. Rachel is excited for the night ahead because it can’t be any worse than seeing men drown fake babies.
~ Whaboom gets to bat leadoff and talks to Rachel first.
~ Little Drummer Boy Blake says he knows Whaboom from a “previous encounter” and says he’s only there to be on TV. What a saboteur this Blake guy is, eh?
~ Whaboom whips out a poem? AND THEN HE KISSES RACHEL.
~ She likes him. Yes! That just bought him two more episodes.
~ Oh hey, Camper Fred Flintstone is on this date! Rachel says she can’t get over the fact that he was a bad little boy.
~ “You’re amazing. There’s something special about you. But seriously…”
~ The compliments on this show are quite cliche. Let me give this a try.
~ “When I look into your eyes, I see your eyes. And then you blink and I don’t see them and I panic. It’s like, where did they go? OH! There they are!”
~ Bam. Beat that.
~ The Tickle Monster brought his baby along and tells Rachel the key is to minimize the wiping.
~ As far as romantic words go, “wiping” has to be right up there. Get it? It was a wiping joke…laugh!
~ Rachel isn’t finding romance with any of these guys. I’m shocked.
~ Back at the mansion, Peter gets the one-on-one date. Of course he did. He looks normal.
~ Blake gets alone time with Rachel and uses it to tell her that he lives with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend.
~ Ohhhh snap. Somebody call the Vengaboys!
~ Whaboom boom boom boom, Blake’s seen him in her room, they spent the night together, together in her room.
~ The Drummer Boy said Whaboom brought his own makeup so he looks good on TV.
~ THEORY: Is there any chance The Drummer Boy likes his roommate, but she doesn’t like him, so now he doesn’t like Whaboom? Nahhhhh.
~ Rachel likes Dean because he looks like Chris the Bachelor from a few years ago.
~ Meanwhile, Whaboom is telling Blake that his roommate said he was a crazy maniac. Blake looks hurt and reports that the roommate is now being evicted.
~ Hey, my theory might be right ahahaha.
~ Are we seeing a double turn here? Whaboom becoming the good guy and Blake becoming the bad guy?
~ PBP Kenny K. has a daughter named
Pretty Girl Puppy Mackenzie Rachel. He tells Rachel about her. Rachel then brings up how he’s one of the older guys in the house.
~ Oh man. Put some polysporin on that one, Kenny.
~ The group date rose goes to Mean Dean (his wrestling persona). Well knock me over and roll me out like a carpet. No way.
~ Back at the house, DeMario is interviewing Law Law Land member Josiah to fill the role of best man at his and Rachel’s wedding.
~ Hold your horses, DeMario.
~ Rachel and Peter are headed to Palm Springs. She’s breaking the news that there is going to be a third wheel on the date. It’s her dog Copper, who has an injured leg.
~ “Copper, say hi to Peter.”
~ Copper and Peter have been more affectionate than Peter and Rachel, so far.
~ “I’m ready to get my dog on. My bark on?” – Rachel
~ Rachel, let me help you with the awful one liners. I specialize.
~ “I’m here to have a paws-itive experience.”
~ Oh, they’re at Bark Fest, which is a pool party full of dogs in sunglasses.
~ Meghan, you’re loving this aren’t you?
~ Peter, Rachel, and Copper go for dinner, which means we won’t see them actually eat the food in front of them.
~ Peter and Rachel both have a gap between their front teeth and are bonding over it. Copper feels left out. He’s the only one there with four legs.
~ The rest of this season is unnecessary. Peter is going to win. There isn’t even anyone else worthy of a podium spot.
~ Time for the third group date and they are off to play basketball. This time, in athletic clothes.
~ Rachel has invited another “friend” to help her. His name is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, one of the best basketball players ever. They are not friends, stop lying to me.
~ It’s almost as if they put these dates together knowing I’d be watching.
~ Next week, Rachel will have another one of her friends join her on a date. It’ll be the Pope.
~ These guys are terrible at basketball. You can tell the net is lowered for them, too.
~ DeMario is treating this like Game 7 of the NBA Finals. Slow your role, kid.
~ Kareem tells the benchwarmers that they have a game later in front of a crowd.
~ Woah woah woah, Chris Harrison is there? Where did he come from?
~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Update: Rolled Up.
~ How much did they pay this audience to cheer so loud? Or is the noise being added in in post-production?
~ Yeah, I took Comm Tech in high school. Can’t pull a fast one on me.
~ The home team won 30-24, whatever that means.
~ Oh what’s this, a random girl pulls Rachel aside and tells her that DeMario has been her boyfriend for 7 months?
~ Ohhh snap. Somebody open the windows because the truth is about to come out!
~ DeMario still has the keys to her apartment. What is with all this roommate drama?
~ Can we have a mixed tag team match between DeMario and his girlfriend vs. Whaboom and his ex-girlfriend, with Blake as the special guest referee? I think we can. #FantasyBooking
~ DeMario “disappeared” and this girl turned her TV on and saw him on the After The Final Rose show where DeMario met Rachel. Good thing she just so happened to turn the TV on at the exact same time. Wow. What timing.
~ THEORY: The producers knew this all along and told her to come out on this date and ambush Rachel, while DeMario was strategically selected to be there.
~ “Ohhh who’s this?” – DeMario when he sees his girlfriend. Ahahahahaha.
~ She reads him the riot act, as DeMario plays dumb. “I met her a long time ago.”
~ DeMario wants to talk in private because this is “personal life stuff” that he doesn’t want on TV.
~ Falling in love and marrying Rachel is not “personal life stuff”, you guys.
~ This has turned into an episode of Jerry Springer really quickly. I’m almost expecting another guy to come out any second now.
~ DeMario is downplaying their relationship. His “girlfriend” is pulling out her phone and threatening to show Rachel the messages they exchanged.
~ Oh no, not the phone! Anything but the phone!
~ DeMario is 4 seconds away from being DeGone. And he is outta here!
~ Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.
~ DeMario leaves in a car, while still wearing his jersey and headband.
~ Rachel avoids talking to Chris Harrison. That’s the true story here.
~ Thou shalt not ignore Mr. Harrison when he wants to talk.
~ Rachel tells the rest of the boys and they hold a team meeting in the locker room.
~ And then Bugs Bunny comes in and passes around a bottle of Michael’s Special Stuff.
~ If you don’t understand that reference, Google it.
~ Josiah is bothered by what DeMario did because he was the front-runner to be DeMario’s best man at DeMario and Rachel’s weddi…ahahaha I couldn’t even type it out.
~ Alex sings to her.
~ Eric kisses her.
~ And the date is over. The group date rose goes to Josiah!
Always the best man, never the groom.
~ This is a big win for Law Law Land.
~ Back at the mansion, everyone is packing their bags just in case they don’t get a rose.
~ Some guys are searching for a hidden immunity idol. #Survivor
~ Morning Show hosts, Iggy & Diggy, talk about the DeMario incident. All that and more coming up on 104.7 The Blur. Now over to Figgy with this morning’s traffic. Figgy…
~ Cocktail party time.
~ I don’t know this guy’s name, but he didn’t have a date, so he sits Rachel down and kisses her to make up for lost time.
~ OH! It’s Bryan The Chiropractor! His face was all over hers on the first night. Never did find out if he wets his hands before or after applying soap, though.
~ Hahahaha DeMario has returned to the mansion and a fake security guard is called over.
~ Fake Security Guard doesn’t escort him off the premises, but instead, says he will go get Mr. Harrison. He must read my blog. I’m the only one who calls him that.
~ Why is Chris Harrison judge and jury? Why is he the grand poobah? Is it because of his multiple emphatic hand gestures? That’s it, right? Gotta be.
~ The producers definitely told DeMario to swing by, yet Mr. H asks him what he’s doing there.
~ Hit ’em with the hand gestures, Chris!
~ The fake security guards stand on guard
~ “How you doin’?” – Chris, you’re not a contestant.
~ “We have an uninvited guest.” – Chris
~ Come on. Uninvited?
~ Lee gets word of what’s going on and enters the house like a town crier exclaiming, “DEMARIO IS HERE!
EVERYONE ASSUME YOUR POSITIONS!”
~ TO BE CONTINUED
~ I can tell you right now how this will go. Rachel will ask him what he’s doing there. He will say he was caught off guard yesterday. Heck, he might even apologize. He’ll wonder if there is a chance he can come back. She’ll say, “Aw hell naw, I can’t trust you anymore.” And then The Bowtie Bros – who have been noticeably absent – come out of nowhere and hit their finishing maneuver (The Double Knot) on DeMario. He’s down for the three count. At the count of two, Little Drummer Boy Blake comes in and breaks up the pin, which confirms his heel turn.
So yeah, don’t act too surprised when that happens next week.
I’m done. If you made it this far, thank you.