What’s Yummy In Your Tummy?

I tried Honeydew Melon the other day. It had been sitting on the kitchen counter for about two days. I kept looking at it. It looked like a head. It looked like a pale cantaloupe. It looked like disappointment, just waiting to be served.

Finally, it was cut open and I was told, “Hey Paul, come try this.”

I looked at it. I said, “No.” I left the kitchen. And then I went back!

Why did I go back? Because I thought it would make a good blog post. Seriously.

I took a small, little piece and brought it to my mouth. It touched my lips and top row of teeth, just long enough for me to get the flavour before I aborted the mission. Luckily, my hand with still holding onto the “small, little piece” and I didn’t have to spit anything out.

What did it taste like? It tasted like cantaloupe.

Here’s a fun story. I tried cantaloupe when I was a kid. It immediately made me feel like throwing up. Cantaloupe n’est past de cool. That’s French for, “Get out of my mouth.”

And I’ve never had cantaloupe since. There are some foods that I know I won’t like, as soon as I see them. Cantaloupe was one of those foods. I gave it the benefit of the doubt, and it betrayed me.

Don’t even try to call me a picky eater. What am I supposed to do? Eat things I don’t like? Come on. You only live once you only eat three or four times a day.

I gave Honeydew a try even though I knew, just by looking at it (because I have those kind of powers), that I wouldn’t like it.

Also, it reminded me of Honey Boo Boo, which I then turned into Honey Dew Dew, and I couldn’t stop laughing because I’m actually six-years-old.

So yeah, Honeydew Melon isn’t getting a positive Yelp review from me.

By the way, have you ever noticed that only really opinionated and attention-hungry (pun intended) people post Yelp reviews?

I feel like I just offended some people who are reading this.

Seriously though, the last thing I feel like doing after attending a restaurant is going on the internet to write a review and rate it out of five stars. Come on.

I’ll look up some of my favourite restaurants and read the reviews just for a laugh. If I look up a Chinese restaurant, I’m bound to find a bunch of “It’s not real Chinese food” comments. Same goes for Italian restaurants.

I don’t know what people want. Go somewhere you like, or stay home. That’s my motto. This whole, “trying new restaurants based on internet reviews” is just setting you up for disappointment.

Do I want to spend $30 to try “something new” or do I want to spend $30 on something I’m 100% sure will make my stomach smile. The answer is simple; don’t be a pimple.

Lately there has been a big debate regarding pineapple on pizza. At least where I live, there is.

The first time I had pineapple on pizza, I was about 12-years-old and was getting ready to play a softball game. The game before mine had just ended, and one of the teams had pizza as their post-game snack.

I knew the coach on the team from the previous year, so I made sure I “just so happened to walk by as the pizza was being distributed”. I’m no dummy.

I was offered a slice, gleefully accepted, and took it with me on the field as I went to play catch. I held the slice in my mouth when I had to throw the ball, and held it in my right hand when the ball was being thrown to me. It was a perfect system.

Anyway, that pizza slice had pineapple on it. I’d never had “Hawaiian Pizza” before. I liked it. It was refreshing. It was just what I needed. My tight fitting baseball pants argued otherwise.

The second time I ever had pineapple on a pizza was a few years later. I didn’t like it as much.

A few years ago, I tried it again, and didn’t like it at all. I was disappointed because the first time I ever had it was glorious.

So the debate around here lately is about whether or not pineapples belong on pizza. It’s gotten heated.

I don’t really want to pick a side because I’ve agreed with both sides at one point in my life. And honestly, I don’t really care. People have been putting pineapple on pizza for a long time. Why is it an issue now?

Trust me, I’m the first person to speak out on food faux pas. If I see someone spread ketchup on top of their fries, I cringe and then walk over to them and throw their fries out.

But this pineapple debate is just silly. Do what you want.

Speaking of doing what you want, I’m about to contradict myself, as that brings me to another thing that has been weighing on my stomach lately.

A few days ago, a thought popped into my head at random. It happens a lot, trust me. The thought was: dipping cookies into milk is disgusting. I thought nothing of this random thought in my head. I figured I’d throw it into a blog post at some point.

And then I’m watching a sports talk show today and the two hosts are arguing about dipping cookies into milk. Well, now I have to discuss it.

One host said that dipping cookies into milk was gross and his co-host reacted as if he was just told that water isn’t wet.

Listen, dunking cookies in milk was fun when I was four and liked to cause messes. But now, it’s just disgusting. You’re ruining the cookie. It’s as if you’re having someone else lick it until it’s moist, and then putting it in your mouth.

Not to mention the fact that the milk your dipping it in quickly turns into bath water. There is nothing more off-putting at the dinner table, than looking in your drink and seeing a bunch of crumbs floating around.

Disgusting. And then you drink the glass afterwards? Do you cut your toenails on the subway too? What is wrong with you?

I want a cookie in it’s purest form.

I also don’t want to sit there with an Oreo or Fudgee-O and pull it apart just to eat the middle first. I’ve done that. I’ve lived that phase of my life.

By the way, they’ve ruined Fudgee-Os. They are smaller. The chocolate inside is different. It’s just ruined. I haven’t had a Fudgee-O in at least 8 years because of this.

Speaking of foods that have been ruined, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you Hostess Cupcakes. You were amazing back when I was in Grade 5. Thank you. And then you changed the recipe and minimized the loops on top and it all went downhill. Yeah, I noticed. And yeah, I’m still bitter about it.

A good cookie is hard to find these days. I’m serious. Even my go-to oatmeal chocolate chip cookies are hit or miss sometimes. It all depends how much time they spent in the oven. I can tell those sort of things.

We all have our own tastes and likes and dietary concerns. It’s what separates us from primates. Screw opposable thumbs. Ever see a monkey turn down a banana in the wilderness? Neither have I. They aren’t selective.

This was a lot to get off my stomach (gotta keep with the theme), but I had to do it.

I can’t wait for the debate that’s about to start in the comments section.

Just remember, your opinion about food is the only one that matters, unless it’s wrong.