WrestleMania 33 will be held this evening in Orlando. So I’m about to do what I truly enjoy – alienate 98% of my audience and talk about things and terms you don’t understand. I mean it, I actually love confusing all of you. Have you read my poetry?
I don’t really know how else to go about writing this post, other than listing each match and giving my thoughts on them.
I’ll try to explain some things for the non-wrestling fans who are brave enough to read this.
Your free education starts now.
Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Thirty men enter the ring with the purpose of throwing everyone else over the top rope. The last one standing wins a trophy. The twenty-nine losers do not receive a participation trophy.
If Braun Strowman doesn’t win this, it’ll be because he’s stuck in an elevator and didn’t get there in time. Heck, even if that were the case, he’d probably find a way to win it from inside an elevator. He’s just that good. And big. It’s good to be big in this match.
Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries – Cruiserweight Championship
No. No, no, no. Neville has nothing to do with Mr. Longbottom or the Harry Potter franchise. NO. The cruiserweight division is comprised of men who weigh 205 lbs. or less. For instance, I would be a cruiserweight. So would Daffy Duck.
Neville is the best thing to happen to the cruiserweight division; some would say he’s the only thing to happen to it.
Austin Aries has facial hair that looks like it’s maintained by your local baseball team’s grounds crew – complete with trimming, watering, and “do not walk here” signs. Google it.
I think Neville should hold the championship for at least a year and it hasn’t been a year yet. So I think he’ll retain. That being said, if he were to lose to anyone, it’ll probably be Aries.
That being said (yes, I said it twice), this match is on the pre-show. I don’t think the belt will change hands when the stadium is half empty.
SmackDown Women’s Championship
Alexa Bliss is the champion. I like her. I like Alexa Bliss. She’s defending her belt against “every available woman on the SmackDown roster” which means a lot of hoopla is going to take place.
I don’t see Natalya winning it. I don’t see Becky Lynch winning it. I don’t see Mickie James winning it. I don’t see Carmella winning it – not yet. I could see Naomi winning it since it’s in her hometown and she just returned on Tuesday from an injury that forced her to vacate the championship, but if she were winning it, they should’ve had her make a surprise return at the event itself.
As for the “every available woman” thing – this opens the match up to a lot of unpredictability and surprise returns. If Eva Marie returns from her hiatus, she’s winning the championship. And she’ll do it in a sneaky way where everyone else does the work and she comes in for the cover at the last second.
No one likes her. There might be a riot. That’s why she must win. Otherwise, keep it with Alexa Bliss. I like her.
Triple Threat Ladder Match for the Raw Tag Team Championships
In one corner, we have Enzo Amore and Big Cass. The fan favourites who got stale and turned into terrible human beings along the way, yet still remained “good guys”.
In another corner we have Cesaro and Sheamus. Switzerland and Ireland, nuzzle up next to each other. You’re a team. They’re good together. Like butter and bread. Sometimes the butter stays on the bread, sometimes it doesn’t.
In the third corner, we have Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson – the champions. Yup.
None of the six men in this match are “ladder match material”. Four of them are too big to be jumping off a step stool without a crash pad, let alone a ladder. And two of them can soar like fruit flies, I guess. But fruit flies get smacked.
It just doesn’t make sense.
Methinks the Hardy Boyz are returning, which is why this stipulation was added last Monday. Poor Sheamus, though, he got a ladder to the forehead on Monday and needed fifteen stitches (I think) to close it up. Looked like he had a third eye.
I think Enzo and Cass win it, but I hope not. I want Cass to turn on Enzo and squash him with his boot. It’s coming. And I don’t want to wait six more months for it.
Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Baron Corbin – Intercontinental Championship
Honestly, I find both guys boring. Ambrose needs to turn heel and drop his goofy gimmick. Everyone is high on Corbin – I’m not sold yet. That being said, Corbin should probably win this.
Oh yeah, funniest thing. Corbin tried to kill Ambrose with a forklift a few weeks ago. Hilarious.
Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
Shane McMahon is the perfect wrestling-related name to type into YouTube because you’re never going to see a traditional match with him. That’s his thing. He jumps off ridiculously tall things and breaks stuff.
He is a crash test dummy.
AJ Styles is one of the best wrestlers in the world. On paper, he should win this match with his eyes closed and his shoelaces untied.
This is a traditional match, which is a ball of baloney if you ask me. Shane needs more than ten seconds outside of the ring in order to do his stunts. With the way the match is currently scheduled, he’ll get disqualified if he leaves the ring longer than ten seconds.
So something fishy better happen. Maybe the referee gets knocks out for ten minutes. Yes, that happens. They are weak people.
I don’t really care for this match. Styles doesn’t need this match. I think he deserves better. And I don’t think I need to see Shane “wrestle” again. He’s had his fun. I hope this doesn’t become a yearly thing with him at WrestleMania.
Oh, I should’ve mentioned earlier – Shane isn’t really a wrestler. It’s complicated.
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse
If you love The Bachelor, you’ll love the story behind this match. I’ll make it quick.
The Miz and Maryse are married in real life.
John Cena and Nikki Bella are dating in real life. However, Cena was married before and got divorced. Since then, he has vowed to never get married again. He’s told Nikki this, yet she still holds out hope for a family with him.
Anyway, The Miz and Maryse don’t like Cena and Nikki for many reasons and kept making fun of the fact that Cena will never propose to her.
The Internet and I think that no matter who wins the match, which should be The Miz and Maryse because they are just so good at being heels (bad guys), Cena will propose to Nikki in the ring.
Oh. My heart.
Seth Rollins vs. Triple H – Non-Sanctioned Match
They’re playing this as “No Doctor in the world will clear Rollins for this match, so if HHH beats him to a pulp, he can’t sue the company.” Which is stupid, I think. But whatever, it’s wrestling.
I don’t really like how Mr. H (no one calls him that) gets a WrestleMania match every year. For those that don’t know, he’s a behind the scenes business man now. He’ll wrestle a couple of times a year, but he’s by no means a full time guy anymore.
I don’t need to see more Triple H matches. I think this is a waste of Rollins, even though this is a necessary story ever since Mr. H (again, no one calls him that) screwed Rollins out of the championship way back in September.
Let this generation shine at WrestleMania with other wrestlers from their generation. I don’t need Mr. H and Shane-O-Mac (people actually call him that) hogging two matches on the card every year.
Chris Jericho (c) vs. Kevin Owens – United States Championship
They are both Canadian.
This really should’ve been for the WWE Championship, but it’s not. Oh well. Their festival of friendship was probably the highlight of the past year. The WWE has been lacking those really great non-wrestling segments lately. That was a good one.
This will be a great match and Kevin Owens will probably win. Yay.
Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match for the RAW Women’s Championship
In the first corner, we have the champion, Bayley. Everyone loves her. If you’re not her best friend, you want to be her best friend. I don’t know why. It’s just a magnetic attraction. She introduces herself as a hugger. So, yeah.
In the second corner, we have Charlotte Flair. She’s really good and everyone can’t stand her. That’s why she’s really good. She’ll do a moonsault (back flip) in this match and the other three women will catch her.
In the third corner, we have Nia Jax. She’s not like most girls, as her entrance music says. I still think she’s a bit too “new” to win the championship in this spot. Her work on the mic needs to improve. I don’t believe what she’s selling, yet. That being said, she’s a legitimate monster.
In the fourth corner, we have Bayley’s best friend Sasha Banks. They’ve been hinting that Sasha will turn on Bayley and it could happen here. I’m just not sure how.
Sasha can’t turn on Bayley if they are the final two remaining, unless she cheats to win. But that might not be a big enough impact.
Perhaps Charlotte or Nia – probably Nia – will get eliminated first. And then Sasha and Bayley will look at each other and team up against their common enemy – Charlotte. But Charlotte has been planting seeds that Sasha will eventually turn on her unsuspecting friend, Bayley.
If Sasha turns, she should do it when there are three people left and catch Bayley with a three count out of the blue, but in a vicious sort of way. Sasha turns heel, beats Charlotte, and is the new champion.
Sasha vs. Bayley feud for the next 56 months because that will be great, thanks.
The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
The fans love Undertaker. The fans hate Roman. Both of them are babyfaces (good guys) right now. Something has to give, I hope.
This could be The Undertaker’s last match and there’s been “talk” aka “internet chatter” of a passing of the torch to Roman, since they see him as the future face of the company.
The problem is, the fans don’t want that. I would have to agree. He doesn’t captivate anyone when he talks on the microphone. The fans desperately want him to turn heel so they can boo him and have it mean something.
Roman needs to win this match and he needs to cheat to do it. Or, he needs to beat up the Undertaker so brutally after the match that there is no doubt that he is now a heel.
If Roman wins this match and remains a babyface, then a riot may break out. I’m serious.
Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton – WWE Championship
Randy Orton pretended to be apart of the Wyatt family for months, just to get close to Bray and turn on him when he least expected it.
Let me tell you something, internet, I knew the second Orton joined forces with Wyatt that he was doing it facetiously. And you should’ve know it too.
Anyway, Orton committed arson a few weeks ago when he burnt down Bray’s cabin in the woods where the remains of his dead sister, Abigail, lay. Yes, really.
This is where I mention that this is a PG show and Randy Orton is the “good guy” in this story.
I’ll be furious if Orton wins this match and I don’t get mad about much. Bray Wyatt needs a long, healthy title run. I’ve been waiting years for it. Let him have it.
I wouldn’t mind a double turn, either. (Wyatt would turn into a good guy and Orton would become a bad guy, at the same time).
Goldberg (c) vs. Brock Lesnar – WWE Universal Championship
The WWE has had a problem for many years in creating new stars. This is proof. Two old guys who already had a WrestleMania match way thirteen years ago. It didn’t go well back then because both guys were leaving the company after the match and the fans knew it.
Goldberg returned at the end of last year and has spent about five minutes in the ring. That’s not an exaggeration.
I’m genuinely worried for his health and safety. Just walking out to the ring puts him in a full sweat. All of his matches since returning have been faster than a washroom break. Surely, the main event of WrestleMania can’t be two minutes, right? RIGHT!?
I hope not.
Brock Lesnar will win this match because this is probably Goldberg’s final match on his contract. But what do I know?
I think this match is a slap in the face to the wrestlers who are with the company all year, travelling all over the world. These two part-timers are just making it harder for the WWE to establish that next star.
Then again, if they bring in a lot of money, they bring in a lot of money. And the wealth is shared. Again, what do I know?
Well, that’s it. You survived. All one of you.
Oh, I should mention that The New Day are hosting WrestleMania. I still can’t figure out why this show needs a host, let alone three.
The New Day are stale; please break up.
Alright, now I’m done. That was a false finish. If you don’t get the reference, I’m not explaining it.