Do You Want A Cupcake?

When I was a kid, someone told me that thunder is caused by angels bowling in heaven. I thought that explained a lot. I also thought it was a bit rude, but who am I to suggest a tame game of checkers, over bowling, to angels?

So if the rumblings we hear are caused by angels, then there must be a whole bunch of them hiding out in my stomach right now because it hasn’t stopped making noise for the last two hours.

That was a good transition, wasn’t it?

This past weekend wasn’t too kind to me. Actually, Saturday was fine. Sunday was horrendous. I guess this story starts where Sunday started – midnight.

I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and trying to decide what to do next. Did I want to go read, blog, sleep, or peruse YouTube until I got to the weird parts?

Or, did I want to stay right where I was for another hour and wait for the first race of the Formula 1 racing season to come on?

My decision was made for me.

Out of nowhere, my stomach started hurting. I had this “full” feeling in my stomach. As if I just ate at a restaurant and a few buttons needed to be undone.

Except I hadn’t been at a restaurant, and I hadn’t put food in my mouth for at least five hours. Why was this happening now? At midnight?

I decided I would stay up and watch the race until 2:30am because that would give my stomach enough time to get its marching orders and calm down. It didn’t calm down.

I went to bed and tried to fall asleep. When you want to avoid anything, you sleep, right? Try as I did, sleep wasn’t coming. Probably because I was forcing myself to sleep on my side, which I never do.

Finally, I dozed off. I only know this because at 5am I woke up breathing heavily, sweating, and knowing that I needed to find a washroom.

I’m smart, so I brought the garbage can next to my bed with me.

That made the, “Which end do I direct at the toilet, when it feels like both need it” decision, easier for me. Don’t even laugh, you’ve all been there before. It’s the washroom version of Russian roulette.

Oh yeah, this blog post is going to get a bit messy. Warning.

I got to the toilet and immediately felt like I was going to pass out. It felt like I was about to do a somersault off the toilet – gymnasts would have been proud.

My stomach was in so much pain, I didn’t know what was happening.

Somehow, I got the pipes working, without passing out.

If any of you find that last line gross, you’re lucky I’m telling the clean version of this story.

I returned to “normal” (not really, I just wanted my bed), and returned to my bed.

7am rolled around and I woke up in another panic. Uh oh. Here we go again. Again, I bring the garbage can with me.

This time, I almost passed out again. Maybe I subconsciously want to be a gymnast and practising somersaults, while unconscious, is my version of “dipping my toes” into a new sport? Nahhh.

I find that I am most determined, two seconds before I know I am going to throw up. Because in my head, I try to avoid vomiting at all costs, but as soon as I know it’s inevitable, I give myself a mini pep talk. It goes like this.

“Get it all out now, you are not doing this again for at least another 18 months. You hear me? You are not coming back in here in two hou…blahhhhhh.”

I find that I throw up every 18 months, or so. A few weeks ago, I was thinking about how it had been a long time since “the last time.” I guess I knew.

I hate vomiting. I hate the smell. I hate the feeling in my throat. I hate opening my eyes to see the colour of it and relating it back to something I ate, just so I could blame something.

Orange. Carrots. Aha! So much for being healthy. 

It was finally over. I was a new, empty man. Only problem was, my legs were asleep. I limped over to the sink and splashed water on my face because that’s what people do in movies.

Then I went to bed and didn’t wake up until 4pm, Sunday afternoon. A personal record. Well deserved, I think. I had been through a lot and had almost no sleep. Plus, there weren’t any sports on TV, so what was I really missing?

I woke up and had plain spaghetti noodles. They were awful. They reminded me of an eating contest at camp, when I had to eat a bowl of coloured spaghetti because I was Italian.

This is where you can make the “vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti” jokes. 

They were so dry; I could still taste the water on them.

I had a few fork-fulls and sent it away.

Then I had an apple. It was the most delicious apple I’ve ever had.

That was all the food I ate on Sunday. I didn’t want anything else because I didn’t want to throw up again and break up that whole “18 month” thing.

I knew what was coming, though.

I got a headache that night. I went to sleep at 10:30pm, after putting in a solid 6.5 hour day.

I didn’t really sleep. I woke up every hour, on the hour, and my head was throbbing. Do you know what throbbing is? It was as if there was a person in my head and they were punching it from the inside.

If I rolled over into a different position, or sat up, this person with a fist the size of China, would find a different part of my head to abuse.

Finally, around 6am, I got smart and took a Tylenol.

And then it was all hush little baby, don’t say a word, mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird. I was asleep.

THIS IS THE PART THAT RELATES TO THE TITLE. 

The next morning, I asked my mom if she came in to talk to me around midnight. She said she couldn’t remember. I said I remembered her coming in, but don’t know what she said.

THEN, she came back to me with a post-it note she found in her room. She wrote down what I said to her when she came to check on me at midnight.

I said to her, “Do you want a cupcake?”

She told me she couldn’t stop laughing.

So if any of you were wondering…yes, I will still be the funniest person in the room and make you laugh, even when I’m half asleep and have no idea what I’m saying, or to who.

On Monday, I ate a mashed banana, because mashed bananas are my preferred way of eating bananas, and a bowl of soup. That held me over until dinner, when I had my first “real meal” since “the event that shall not be named.”

I’ve turned vomiting into Voldemort. Deal with it.

Vomitmort?

I spent the rest of the night with a heavy stomach and went to sleep negotiating with it.

“We had a promise. 18 months, remember?”

“Shut up. No mas.”

My stomach is Spanish. It also isn’t nice. But I survived the night.

Fast forward to Tuesday. I ate a bowl of soup and another “real meal” for dinner.

And now I’m sitting listening to fireworks in my stomach. It sounds like a pinball machine in there. It’s like my stomach is a computer that has been rebooting for the last few hours.

It’s an orchestra, really. Okay, not really.

I could go on with the analogies forever.

Have I mentioned that I’ve lost weight from all this? Three pounds. Gone. Just like that. Actually, they were gone by the time I woke up Sunday afternoon.

I can notice a difference in my face, and to a lesser degree, my stomach.

My stomach is still like a juice box. It will contort itself on command.

My face, though…well, I now have the perfect jawline for a shampoo commercial. So to the fine, and dandruff-free, folks at Head & Shoulders, holla atcha boi (or whatever kids who want endorsements deals for no reason say).

So that is my current predicament.

This whole ordeal just confirms my suspicions – I would not last more than a day on Survivor. If I don’t eat, I will eventually get a headache. It’s life science.

Throw in the trials of being in the sun all day (without a hat), while fetching food and trying to vote out smelly people who sleep next to me in the shelter, and you’ll find me doing more than somersaults off of a makeshift toilet in the jungle.

I wouldn’t be able to do it. A comfortable home, with a furnace, managed to send me into a frenzy. Survivor would kill me.

As I currently sit here, I’m still not comfortable eating food. I’m not excited to eat tomorrow. I’m probably going to avoid the “real meals” and eat mashed bananas and apples until the giraffes come home.

I’m going to try and sleep now.

Keep me in your prayers. Little Pauly had a big tummy ache (I’m stretching my arms to show you how big) and is still recovering.

Bye.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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55 Responses to Do You Want A Cupcake?

  1. “Don’t even laugh, you’ll all been there before”😂 Omg I was laughing so hard and then I read that sentence and made a serious face. I’m sorry you’re sick Paul😢😢😢Feel better!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. *you’ve. Was up till 4 doing homework 😑

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Miriam says:

    Glad you survived the night. Sounds hideous. Just forget about going on Survivor.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Angela says:

    Man, thats rough! I hope you feel back to normal soon and can have a cupcake! I feel bad laughing but you make me laugh, even when you are sick!
    I always hated that line in Lose Yourself – someone vomitting spaghetti… makes me feel like im going to vomit!
    I love the angels bowling idea. I was told God was angry when there was thunder and God was sad when it rained – it rains all the time where I live so I guess God just never seemed very…happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. James says:

    I also give myself mini pep talks when I’m ill, but I find I’m not very convincing. I also splash water on my face because that’s what people in films do. Much as I pretend that coffee has an instantly restorative effect, when, in fact, it never does.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Geez, Paul, what an ordeal. I feel for you, I really do. Very visual, thank you. I appreciate the Eminem references. I hope you make a speedy recovery and are back eating pizza in no time!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Washroom Russian roulette is the absolute WORST. The last time I had something like that I was carted off in an ambulance and spent three days in the hospital, so you know I’d be the first person voted off Survivor. Get better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Quinn says:

    Plain white rice and boiled 7up – that’s all you eat until you feel better, at least in my house. Also I have some bad news for you about the orange bits….

    They’re not carrot.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. commutingwithkristen says:

    3/29/2017 is going down in the history books as the day that you referred to yourself as Little Pauly. I love it LOL. Also, I really, really hope that you feel better because stomach-related nastiness is the absolute worst.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. rebbit7 says:

    Oh, god that’s awful…sounds like the stomach flu! I hadn’t had that for over five years now, and I can understand how terrible it must be. I know the body’s trying to help you get better by releasing the toxins and fighting it with white blood cells or whatever, but the whole ordeal really sucks. Hope you get better soon, Paul!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ann Coleman says:

    Only you could make a bout of the stomach flu funny! (For your readers, that is. I’m sure you didn’t feel the least bit amused.) Hope you are better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. peckapalooza says:

    Ugh… that sucks. Feel better!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. The nurse in me is yelling at you to get some Gatorade! Do it right now, even if you feel normal-ish. Even though you’ve had quite the ordeal, at least now you have a head start on getting that summer body? Silver linings!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I can’t recall the last time I vomited…and that is indeed a wonderful thing even without the outline of your recent “activity” to further enhance that feeling. If and when I do throw up again I’m now likely to at least think about cupcakes as part of a recovery plan. By the way, how are the fantasy sports teams doing as the seasons are winding down?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Lucky you! My basketball and hockey teams are in the playoffs right now and I just drafted my baseball team. I plan on doing a blog post about all of them in the next few days.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Barb Knowles says:

    This is the first post of yours that I skimmed at times because I was afraid it would get more graphic and ewwwwwwww. I was wondering what happened when we hadn’t heard from you. The flu is the worst, and stomach with it is horrible. Did you have a fever? “Vomitmort” awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Ariel Lynn says:

    *Internet hugs!*

    I’ve been there, man! I got food poisoning & ended up in the ER needing fluids. I spent 2 weeks eating dry toast, crackers, bananas, & applesauce on doctor’s orders.

    Keep mashing up those bananas, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Oh no! That sounds 10 times more awful than what I had. I’m lucky I didn’t have to go to the hospital. Mashed bananas and apples all day!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        It wasn’t that awful (it was, I’m downplaying lol). At least, not the hospital part. All I needed was some fluids… which is probably why the doctors recommend the fruit. Lots of fluids ‘n all that jazz!

        I hope you’re feeling better! Fingers crossed that you have at least another 18 months Vomitmort free!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Thank you for the well wishes! I’m going to try to avoid Vomitmort for as long as I can.

        Liked by 1 person

  17. ~M says:

    Oh no! Are you feeling any better? I’m sorry I laughed, but when you mentioned the mini pep talk… well, I just couldn’t help myself. I can completely relate. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Glad you got a laugh out of it! I’m feeling better. Stomach still questionable at times and my full appetite hasn’t returned, but I’m much better than I was.

      Liked by 1 person

      • ~M says:

        Wow…. it’s really hanging on there isn’t it? I’m sorry Paul…. being sick is definitely no fun. My daughter once got food poisoning that lasted 6 months. They thought she had malaria. Ended up being a parasite in her intestines which she picked up on her trip to India. After 4 rounds of antibiotics, she was finally better. If you continue to have problems, I hope you’ll get to the doctor. Feel better soon! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        6 MONTHS!? Oh my goodness. And here I was thinking that 7 days was too long. I can’t even imagine that.
        Thank you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~M says:

        Yeah, it was terrible… Really thought she wasn’t gonna make it at one point. Her fever was so high. She’s a full-time missionary, so that’s always the risk she takes when she goes overseas.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Myka says:

    I mad it through! Barely, I might add.
    My worst nightmare, Paul! I hope that your stomach has since silenced. My friends at work & I call all of that noise & rumbling “Bubble Guts.” I’m so sorry for what you endured. But HEY, at least people were checking on you. Your mom, of course, is who I mean……..
    *all good thoughts for Paul to enjoy food again in 3. 2. 1.*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha Bubble Guts. That’s different. I can’t believe it’s been a week since this happened. It’s been a blur. I don’t even know what I ate this week. Thanks for your concern 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Myka says:

    dammit. MADE. I made it through* ugh!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Considering I’m sure you feel better now, I’m not sure how to convey “I hope you feel better” in a more relevant way…but you get my point. I just went through this exactly. Lasted almost a whole week, I lost quite a few pounds, and did the same negotiating/reasoning with my stomach to stay calm more times than I could count. It’s the worst feeling. I understand your pain! Maybe neither you or I could last in the wilderness, but at least we now know we can defeat Vomitmort. Hope all is well now!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      It happened to you too? Oh man. I hope you’re feeling better. It was truly awful. By my count, I’m down 6 pounds. I think I’m finally fully recovered but I’m still careful about what I eat and notice I can’t eat as much anymore. Here’s hoping this doesn’t happen again to either of us for a very long time.

      Liked by 1 person

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