Viewing Notes: The Bachelor Finale

If you’re wondering why we moved our clocks ahead an hour last weekend, it’s so we could get to The Bachelor finale sooner. I think we’re all ready for this to be over.

Read every single one of these notes. You won’t be disappointed.

  • We open the show with Chris Harrison in a grey suit and grey tie, in front of an audience of women.
  • If I spot a guy in the crowd, I’ll mention it.
  • Nick and the two finalists – Raven and Vanessa (Canada) – are in Finland, the home of Santa Claus, according to Nick.
  • Ho Ho No.
  • Nick meets up with his family and gives them the 411 on the women.
  • Raven arrives and is wearing oven mitts. Oh, they’re winter gloves. Darn.
  • This dinner conversation is so dull. Someone make a joke! Drop a plate! Spill water on yourself! Something!
  • Nick’s little sister, Bella, likes Raven because they played soccer once. D’aw.
  • Raven tells Nick’s dad, Chris, that…WAIT A MINUTE.
  • THEY’RE IN FINLAND. SANTA LIVES THERE. ALLEGEDLY. THE DAD IS NAMED CHRIS. CHRIS IS A DISGUISE FOR KRIS. KRIS KRINGLE. OH MY GOD NICK’S DAD IS SANTA CLAUS.
  • Sorry about that, I got excited.
  • This episode needs background music. So much dead air. Circus music would be welcome.
  • Oh! It’s time for Raven to leave now. What a nice little meet and greet.
  • Time for date number two! Here comes Canada!
  • Nick awkwardly picks her up, just like he did with Raven. He’s also wearing the same clothes. Oy vey.
  • “So Vanessa, tell us about yourself.”
  • “I’m from Canada. I’m Italian. I’m a teacher. I’m way too good for Nick, but I’m still here because when someone flies you around the world for free, you go.”
  • Vanessa wants to ask his mom, Mrs. Claus, if she thinks they’re rushing into this.
  • Yes. Yes, you are.
  • Canada says she wants to get engaged once. Mrs. Claus gives her “the eyes”, as if to say, “Ma boy did not go on this show for a 33rd time to propose to someone who doesn’t want it. You say ‘yes’, ya hear?”
  • “It’s easy to love someone when it’s all fairytale.” – Kris Kringle, dropping a truth bomb on the camera operator.
  • Vanessa is “in love” with the only guy she’s talked to for the last two months. What a coincidence.
  • If you substitute Nick with any guy, the same thing would happen. You know how I know? BECAUSE THIS SHOW HAS BEEN ON SINCE 1765 AND PEOPLE “FALL IN LOVE” EVERY SEASON.
  • The date is over. ‘Nessa leaves. Nick sits with his family to discuss the girls.
  • Mrs. Claus has a wreath around her neck. How festive! Oh, it’s a scarf. Darn.
  • His family keeps bringing up Nick’s past heartbreaks. Probably because they don’t want to see him on the couch eating cereal from the box, again.
  • Back in studio with Chris H. and I spy four men in the audience! Oh, if I could talk to them now.
  • Oh look! Another date between Vanessa and Nick. He picks her up again!
  • For you fashionistas and fashionistos out there, Vanessa is wearing a winter jacket with a fur hood which is not too big, not too small, just the size of Montreal (heyo!) and a hat with a pom pom.
  • Oh they’re on horses. Boring.
  • Oh my God there’s an old man spying on them from behind a tree!
  • “It doesn’t even seem real.” – Vanessa, nailing the tagline of the show.
  • Nick just used the words: amazing, dream, literally, wow, and amazing (again), in the same sentence.
  • They knock on a cabin and it’s the old man from behind the tree! SANTA!
  • Pull his beard, Vanessa! Do it for Canada! Reveal him to be Nick’s dad!
  • My childhood is in shambles. So much for Santa living at the North Pole. Santa lives in Finland in Hagrid’s hut.
  • Santa gives them a gift that says Niko and Venla on it. Oy vey, again. They just got Santa’s stamp of approval.
  • For someone who might propose to the person they’re with, Nick looks so bored.
  • Nick tells her she’s his type. She tells him she wants to feel different and starts crying.
  • Based on the edit of this show, these two talk more about having questions and how confused they are all the time. They’ve completely given up on getting to know each other. I think they aren’t allowed to do that after episode 4.
  • V: “Are you ready to propose?” N: “The week’s not over.”
  • Run, Canada, run.
  • Canada wants to know right now if he’s choosing her. She’s never seen the show and doesn’t know that he has to be elusive, so people like me don’t tune out.
  • Their time together always ends with Vanessa crying.
  • Back to Chris in studio and it looks like they’ve divided the audience based on hair colour.
  • Last date with Raven. I’ll bet my life he picks her up.
  • HE PICKED HER UP.
  • Raven is wearing a jacket with a fur hood that is smaller than Montreal. No hat.
  • Meanwhile, Nick is wearing a hat but is trying to make it look cool, so the front of his hair is showing. What a goon.
  • Woah time out. He’s taking her skating? He takes the southern girl skating, but the Canadian girl rides horses? Who did this?
  • Oh my God, it’s montage time and there’s finally background music! They heard me!
  • Raven thinks this is her last date as a single person. Don’t count your chickens.
  • What if they fell through the ice right now, while they’re lying on the ice kissing each other? Would Santa come running? What’s the protocol?
  • PUPPIES
  • Nick brings Raven three puppies. I’m sure in some culture that’s not a good thing.
  • “Look at the puppies and think of them when I break your heart in three days.”
  • Nick tells Raven he can’t move his neck because he’s so stressed. He also can’t open his mouth when he talks, but that’s been a problem since the first episode.
  • Raven is giving her plea to Nick to choose her. It feels like she’s on Survivor and is talking in terms of a final two alliance, rather than telling her potential husband how she feels.
  • Earlier in the episode, Nick was nibbling on Vanessa’s hands. Now he’s nibbling on Raven’s. I think Santa needs to intervene with some gingerbread cookies.
  • Back in the studio, Chris asks how everyone is doing. They all clap and “woo”. As if they were going to do anything else. What a waste of time, Chris.
  • “We are all on the edge of our seats.” Christopher, YOU’RE STANDING.
  • Nick is buying a wedding ring now. And by “buying”, I mean he picks one out for free.
  • Cut to Vanessa getting ready. She still doesn’t know where they would live if they end up together! Come on! How do you not ask that? CANADAAAAA
  • “I see Nick as a father. I see Nick as a husband.” – Ravenclaw
  • Saying goodbye to one of these women is going to be devastating, according to Nick.
  • Nick, just pick both. Happy wives, happy lives.
  • First out of the limo is Raven, which means Vanessa is going to win! Errr, get proposed to!
  • Poor Raven, she doesn’t know what she’s swooping into.
  • HA, bird puns! Because her name is Raven. I am so smrt.
  • Raven walks up to Nick and flies into a pre-planned speech. Nick doesn’t know what to do with his eyes.
  • “I couldn’t be more sure. I love you.” – Raven
  • Nick, over to you.
  • “I remember being like, where did she come from?” – Nick
  • Oh my God, that’s so romantic you guys. “Where did she come from?” Ah, my heart. It putters.
  • ………………..
  • “Putters” is a combination of Pizza and Hut, just so we’re clear.
  • Nick just brought the hammer down and Raven nods her head in acceptance. He’s crying more than she is because she knows she just dodged a bullet.
  • Raven took that almost too well. We’ll see what she says in the limo.
  • Nick buries his head in her shoulder to say goodbye. You just know that Canada is going to show up later and ask him why he smells like another woman.
  • It’s not even a limo! It’s a car. Wow.
  • Now she’s crying and wondering what she could do differently in order to get a proposal.
  • It’s not “what”, it’s “who”, Raven. Listen to me. I’m wise.
  • Back in the studio and Chris is using his funeral-speech tone, as audience members dab their tears.
  • By the way, Nick is at a little cottage in the middle of Finland, with reindeer outside. Chris Harrison is there as his butler. This is exactly what every girl dreamed of when they were little, right?
  • Chris: How are you?
    Vanessa: Nervous.
    Chris: You should be. Nick is waiting for you.
  • I got some horror film vibes from that exchange.
  • Nick tells Vanessa he started falling in love with her at the second rose ceremony. Was that the one Corinne didn’t go to because she was napping?
  • What a slap in the face to all the other girls. I’m sure social media will be ablaze with single people saying, “He led them on since week two!”
  • Well yeah, that’s the show. So shut up about it.
  • While Vanessa weeps, here’s a mini rant:
    A few seasons ago they had two bachelorettes on the first night and the guys voted on which one they wanted to stay. Fans hated this because, “How dare they do that to a woman on TV?” “How dare this show allow men to judge women and pit them against each other!?” And yet, many years ago, when these bandwagon Bachelor fans didn’t know the show existed (but I did!), the show did the same thing, except a group of women had to choose between two guys. The guy they chose was “younger and better looking” but no one caused a brouhaha or a fracas back then. Oh no, not at all. So save your opinions. The show is a deplorable concept to begin with.
  • Oh, Nick proposed and she said yes.
  • They are now riding away in a sleigh, which is being pulled by a horse, instead of a reindeer. For shame.
  • #GiveReindeerAChance
  • Time for the after show where Chris Harrison will ask a bunch of questions while moving his hands way too much.

That’s it. If you enjoyed reading my viewing notes for this show, thank you! Hopefully you laughed at every joke I made.

Oh, and we still don’t know if Nick is moving to Canada. I guess they’ll address that on the after show.

Edit: They are leaning towards living in the USA. I’m not going to say anything because most of my readers are American.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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28 Responses to Viewing Notes: The Bachelor Finale

  1. James says:

    Never watched an episode but those notes had me on the edge of my seat…
    …and I was standing too!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Quinn says:

    Even after all of these notes I’m still not sure what they win. What do they win at the end? Do they get money? The prize surely isn’t a legal shackling to a virtual stranger?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha that’s exactly what the “prize” is, sorta. And fame. Vanessa and Nick are actually engaged, as crazy as it sounds. They didn’t exchange phone numbers until after the show ended. A lot of the final couples end up breaking up, but a few have actually gotten married and had kids. So who knows what will come of this.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Hahahahaha! I’ve never watched, but now I kinda want to. It seems like just the kind of absurdity I’d love to mock. Of course, no one mocks it better than you. Also, I’m American. It’s ok. We know how bad we are.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      It is the perfect show to mock! You kinda just sit there waiting for the “contestants” to realize how fake the show is, but they never do.

      Like

  4. Jess says:

    USA USA USA!
    Only kidding.
    I’m going to miss these notes. Please tell me it will continue into The Bachelorette?

    Liked by 2 people

  5. peckapalooza says:

    “Look at the puppies and think of them when I break your heart in three days.”
    I’m reading this at work and laughed way too loud at that. I got looks.
    Thanks for watching this so I didn’t have to.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Barb Knowles says:

    Your post is great and you’re right. It has been a sexist show from all angles starting in 1765. The show is awful. Your commentary is dope.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Barb Knowles says:

    Juuuuuust as I clicked ‘post comment” I saw that I didn’t space hasbeen to has been. Please edit! But don’t take out dope.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. #GiveReindeerAChance – Laughed out loud. If you had told me a couple months ago I would actually know what was going on with this show I would have said…no. But here we are. I actually can carry a conversation about it…with my mouth open (unlike Nick apparently).

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I didn’t watch any of it, but your best line was:

    “Earlier in the episode, Nick was nibbling on Vanessa’s hands. Now he’s nibbling on Raven’s. I think Santa needs to intervene with some gingerbread cookies.”

    HILARIOUS. Thanks for the laughs.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Pingback: Spread Love Like Syphilis – I'm Sick and So Are You

  11. Myka says:

    Two windows for commenting. Ready, go!
    A). Ho Ho No. (bahaha).
    B). “It doesn’t even seem real.” – Vanessa, nailing the tagline of the show. – OOP! thats hahaha, thats great.
    C). Nick tells Raven he can’t move his neck because he’s so stressed. He also can’t open his mouth when he talks, but that’s been a problem since the first episode. – Omgah! He really does talk like that.
    D). First out of the limo is Raven, which means Vanessa is going to win! Errr, get proposed to! – LOLOLOL win sounds more accurate.
    E). He’s crying more than she is because she knows she just dodged a bullet. – GAH hah.
    F). Was that the one Corinne didn’t go to because she was napping? – hahah. I still can’t believe she made it so far.
    G). The show is a deplorable concept to begin with. – Deplorable, swoon.
    H). Will you do this next season, please?
    .xo.

    Liked by 2 people

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