Paulo’s Kitchen: Steak Frights

Are we on? We are? Okay. Hi everybody, Chef Paulo here! We are back on the air after a long hate us. Thank you for…

Stage Director: You mean, “hiatus”. We were on a long hiatus. Start over.

No, I don’t. I meant “hate us”. As in, the bosses hate us and didn’t want to bring the show back. We were on a long hate us, not “he ate us”, or whatever you said. I eat him.

Now where was I? Oh yeah. I’m Chef Paulo, you are my dinner guests, welcome to Paulo’s Kitchen!

The crowd claps politely; one guy whistles.

Today I am going to make steak frights. It is one of my favourite…

Stage Director: Paulo, it’s steak frites. As in “freeeeets”. Steak and fries.

Mah, would you stop interrupting me. We are live! I did not mean this…this… “steak freeeeets”. Is that the telephonetic spelling? I meant steak frights. As in, I dropped the steak in the sink once, while seasoning it, but washed it off and still made it.

It was frightening. Steak Frights. My show. My words.

Anyways, let’s start making one of my favourite dishes – Steak Frights!

What you’ll need:
– Steak
– Curly Fries
– Frights
– Spices
– BBQ Sauce
– Patience
– A Firm Grip

Step 1: Turn on your oven and set it to 400 degrees. It’s gonna get hot in there, like a bare butt on the beach…..Do I need to say the joke again? No one laughed.

Step 2: While we wait for the oven to heat up, let’s winter, spring, summer, fall, our steak. Or as you say, “season” it. I’m keeping it simple with some onion powder, garlic powder, and salt. You want something else? Too bad! No steak for you!

Step 3: Put a drop of oil in a pan and place your steak on top of it. Oil go bye bye. Everyone say, “bye bye” to the oil. Say it!

Step 4: Add some BBQ sauce to each side of the steak. If you don’t want BBQ sauce on your steak, too bad! No steak for you!

Now, friends, we cannot start the steak until the fries are about half done. We want them to finish around the same time. The oven isn’t heated up yet, so we kill time, for now.

Anyone from the audience have a question for Chef Paulo? Yes, you! In the black shirt.

Audience Member: It’s actually navy blue.

Chef Paulo: Paulo no care you buy that black shirt from Old Navy. What’s your question?

Audience Member: What would you say to an aspiring chef?

Chef Paulo: I’m a perspiring chef, myself, you know. I’d tell him he’s sweating. Next question.

Stage Director: “Aspiring”.

Beeeeeeeeeep

Ohhh praise the Little Bo, we can get on with the show! The oven is ready.

Step 5: Our curly fries are already in a pan, put the pan in the oven. Don’t burn yourself.

Step 6: Watch them cook. In eight minutes we move them around with some tongs. Ting Tong, like a doorbell.

8 long minutes pass.

Step 7: Let’s shift them around! The TV trick is to move the food a quarter of an inch in every direction to make it look like I’m actually cooking. And back in the oven they go!

Step 8: Okay, let’s turn on the stove and start cooking this steak. It might be done a few minutes before the fries get crispy, but that’s fine. We need to be off the air by the top of the hour to avoid another hate us from happening.

Everybody in the audience, touch the squishy part of your palm, near your thumb. That’s the texture we want the steak to be when it’s done. I learned that trick from a Gordon Ramsay video.

Hi, Gordon! I’m available for Hell’s Chicken, anytime!

Stage Director: Hell’s Kitchen.

No! This is Paulo’s Kitchen!

Step 9: After about three minutes of pressing down on the top of the steak with the tongs, it’s time to flip it over. Ooooh do you guys smell that? It’s steak!

If you want to add some more BBQ sauce, feel free to do that now or forever hold your sauce.

Step 10: After another three minutes or so, we flip again. Now we have fun. Tilt the steak on it’s side to burn down the fat. Dr. Ramsay told me to do that.

Step 11: Quickly open the oven and give the curly fries a shake. Right now, they look a bit wet, like Paulo coming out of a sauna. So we put them back in.

Step 12: Flip the steak again. It’s almost done. Now you just gage it by feel and instincts. It’s done when you think it’s done and not a minute later! Remember that!

Step 13: Okay, we turn the stove off. The steak is done. Oh, it smells so good and juicy. Mmm get in my belly! But not yet! We need the fries.

Step 14: Give the fries a bit more time. Let’s get out a big plate and some ketchup. You need ketchup, I forgot to mention that.

Step 15: Take the curly fries out and turn off the oven. We don’t want to start a fire. Billy Joel did that. Hey, Billy J! I’m available, anytime. Been working on my pitch and hermiones.

Stage Director: HARMONIES.

Step 16: Put the steak on a plate and scoop up the extra BBQ sauce in the pan. We must not waste, so copy and paste!

Step 17: Now we put the fries next to it and a puddle of ketchup on the side. Never on top! You put you’re ketchup on top of your fries and guess what? No steak for you!

There it is. Steak Frights! Now, we eat.

Steak Frights

Thank you for tuning in to another award-edible edition of Paulo’s Kitchen.

Stage Director: Award-Eligible!! It’s award-eli….ugh what’s the point?

I’m Paulo, this is my kitchen, and hopefully we will see you sooner rather than eight months later.

The boss may put us on hate us again, or “he ate us”, as he said last time.

Ciao for now. Stay tuned for a brand new episode of Meatball Mania.

Paulo’s Kitchen is recorded in front of a live studio audience. The people in the audience are real. However, their ooh’s and aah’s may be exaggerated. And no, the camera does not add ten pounds; Paulo’s cooking might, though. To be a member of our live studio audience, please call… just show up. There is plenty of space.