1. If I am ever a contestant on The Price is Right and they reveal a drum kit as a prize, or something else I don’t want, you’ll be able to see the disappointment on my face. The cameras will hate it.
1.5 I’m tired of seeing contestants ooh and ahh over chandeliers and dining room sets.
2. Needles don’t bother me. Ever since I was little, I would just stare at them as the doctor stabbed my arm.
3. If I were to ever create a blog about washroom stories, it would be called “Urine Luck”. Think about it. No one steal this idea.
4. A bunch of penguins walking with an Eminem song playing in the background – I want this to be a thing.
4.5 IT’S A THING! Thank you, YouTube.
5. I always thought Bob Barker was telling us to get our pets “paid and tutored” instead of “spayed and neutered”. I just thought he wanted them to be successful, like Lassie.
6. I don’t eat chicken wings with my hands anymore. I pick them up with a fork and shove the whole thing in my mouth and let my teeth take the chicken off the bones. It’s barbarically effective.
6.5 And magically delicious.
7. If you needed a groundhog to tell you that it would be an early spring, then I’d suggest you were the one who was living under a rock.
8. Really big fans of Beyonce pronounce her name with more emphasis. Ever notice that? “Be-yAWn-SAY”.
9. Five golden rings. Four wheel drive. Three blind mice. Two turtle doves. And a cartridge in a pear tree.
10. Did any Americans actually move to Canada, or did they realize that complaining for four years would be easier and cheaper?
11. I want to be like my grandfather when I’m an old man. Mainly because when he answers the phone, he doesn’t say anything. He waits for the caller to start talking.
12. The “Cash me outside” girl was first on Dr. Phil in September. I saw the episode. Why did it take the rest of the world so long to catch on?
13. Is “Ear Hear” the equivalent to “I Spy”?
13.5 Ear hear with my little ear, something that is…
14. “Nasal congestion” are two of the most nasally congested sounding words you can put in a commercial about nasal congestion.
15. Windshield wipers on eyeglasses. It’s time. Do it.
16. I try not to think about how many things have crawled on my toothbrush when I’m not around.
17. I forgot how much I loved Quebec City. It’s probably my favourite city.
18. I feel like there are going to be people who complain about Trump every day for the next four years. I wish I had that kind of stamina when it comes to absolutely anything else.
19. Are kids going to find it weird when they eventually find out that their parents have been posting pictures of them online ever since they were born?
20. Just thinking about peanut butter with chocolate makes my mouth claustrophobic.
21. I don’t know who created the soap dispenser, but they don’t get enough credit.
22. How did the phrase, “Wigging out” get its roots?
22.5 Aahahahahaha get it?
23. When I tell a person who likes spicy food that I don’t like spicy food, it turns into a game of, “What about (insert another spicy food)? It’s not that spicy.” I hate that.
24. I don’t mind washing dishes, glasses, pots, or pans. Utensils are the worst, though.
25. Wasting words on lower cases and capitals.
26. Maybe it’s because I’m older, but the Nintendo Switch doesn’t interest me at all.
27. There has to be an easier way to pour balsamic vinegar, without it leaking down the bottle.
28. Instead of movie sequels, there should be movie alternatives. For example, you get the same Mrs. Doubtfire movie, but the plot unravels from the mother’s perspective, instead of the father’s.
29. Picture idea for Instagram: Eat a Subway sub on the subway and caption it, “Subway, eat fresh.” You’re welcome.
29.5 You could also put an ironic twist on it by asking a stranger to pretend to sneeze on your sub.
29.75 These are the things I think about.
30. Removing the seal from a new bottle of Tylenol is about as hard as breaking out of jail.
31. I can watch the TV in the house across the street from the comfort of my bedroom. I wish they didn’t watch so many children’s cartoons, though.
31.5 Hey! It’s not my fault their TV is in their front window.
32. Riverdale is a good show. Go watch it.
33. Can people born in 1996 really call themselves a 90s kid? Their first memory probably wasn’t until 2000.
34. When I got a Mac and my friends saw it for the first time, they said, “You have a Mac? You don’t seem like a Mac person.” I still have no clue what that means.
34.5 One friend didn’t come up to me in the cafeteria because they saw the Mac on the table and thought I was someone else.
35. Shadow tag was fun for about 53 seconds.
36. It would be cool if our bodies tracked stats. Like how many hours we’ve been asleep since birth. Or how many pizza slices we’ve eaten in our life.
38. People love Mickey Mouse but hate mice. Hypocrites!
39. I hated watching my classmates give Powerpoint presentations in high school. They were all awful.
40. Whenever I eat a banana, I mash it up on a plate and eat it with a fork. It tastes so much better.
40.5 Yes, it’s as if someone chewed my food for me and then I put it in my mouth, but it’s great.
41. Whenever I see two words that go together, like “Mashed Potatoes”, my mind switches the first letters just to see what it creates. Pashed Motatoes.
41.5 I do that with names, too.
42. Do aliens consider themselves to be humans and refer to us as aliens?
43. The situation is: you are a parent and your child has a water bed. When your child wets the bed in the middle of the night and tells you, “I wet the bed”…would you reply, “It was already wet”?
44. There was a time in my life when I believed my toys interacted with each other when I wasn’t around. Toy Story did that to me.
45. “Hey There, Delilah” is just okay.
46. How do clowns perfect their craft? I’m picturing rooms with full length mirrors and an endless supply of balloons.
47. Why there isn’t a bathroom store called, “YouTub”, is bed bath and beyond me.
48. I’d like to experience a week where the Internet doesn’t work anywhere in the world.
49. All I know about Titanic is that the boat sinks and there’s a Celine Dion song in there somewhere. Fight me.
50. Here, in the dark, I cherish the moonlight. I’m in love with the way you’re in love with the night. And travels from heart, to limb, to pen.