Lately

It’s been ten days since I last wrote something, which is about fifty days in blog time. So forgive me if this post goes all over the place. I don’t know what the next sentence is going to be until I write it. To be honest with you, I’ve been fidgeting with the wire of my earbuds for the last minute and forty-three seconds because it keeps getting in the way of my right arm, wrist, and hand. Scratch that, I meant left arm, wrist, and hand.

We’re off the rails, already.

Hi, I’m Paul. This post is going to change direction more times than you can say, “Brussels sprout, Brussels pout” in one minute. Be ready.

I needed a break from all of this. Honestly, I might still need a break, but tonight is the first time in ten days where I actually felt the urge to write something.

There are five comments in my notifications that are awaiting my approval and response. They’ve been sitting there for about a week. I’ve read them. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to reply.

I’ve barely read or liked any blog posts in the last ten days. If you got a notification from me, congratulations. It’s the equivalent to winning a golden ticket. Quick, to the chocolate factory!

I was tired of blogging. I was tired of reading posts from the same people. I was tired of being tired.

I haven’t made it a secret that I write my blog posts in the middle of the night. For some reason, that’s when the magic happens. But doing so means I go to sleep later and wake up more tired than I was when I went to sleep.

So ten days ago I made a change. I started going to sleep earlier. There was one night I went to sleep at 11pm. I haven’t been to sleep that early since high school. And it felt good. So good.

I’m not a “day writer”. I can’t muster up the heart and passion during the day for a blog post that I’ll be proud of. So that’s part of the reason I haven’t been here.

Not the only reason.

Here’s a secret. (And a change in direction, for those of you still saying “Brussels sprout, Brussels pout”).

Last year I realized the things that used to bring me joy, were getting lost in my life. Things I used to do a few years ago, or as a kid, that I don’t anymore.

So since then, I’ve been trying to go back to how my life was before it got carried away by things that aren’t important.

It’s the small things I miss. The things that don’t require a computer, phone, Wi-Fi, or any other technological nonsense.

When I was a kid, I would finish reading books in two or three days. I’d read them on the couch, in the car, on the toilet, in bed, or my favourite spot – behind my rocking chair, in the corner. It was like my own little fort. Just me and a book and not a peep.

Those were the days where there was no one to text and no one to stalk on social media. There was no one to distract me or compare myself to. Just me and a book and all the time in the world.

The rocking chair is still here. The corner is still here. But I lost it along the way.

There are days when I wake up in the morning and don’t even want to turn my phone on. But I do. Every day. Otherwise, people will worry when they don’t get a reply.

That is what the world has become.

I mean, it’s nice that I have friends and bloggers that want to talk to me on a daily basis – and I do enjoy it – but I think back to just ten years ago and how I wasn’t picking up a phone every few minutes. Do I want to be so dependent on it, or is the world forcing me to be?

It was so much simpler back then. I wasn’t scrolling through pictures, hateful tweets, or Facebook statuses with spelling errors. I wasn’t texting, or timing my responses. I was just living.

I’ve always been someone who is neither here nor there, but always somewhere. Does that even make sense? I feel like a contradiction wrapped in decisiveness – with icing sugar on top because who doesn’t like icing sugar?

Someone who can see both sides to an argument, to the point where I don’t know what my opinion actually is. Yet at the same time, you can ask me if I want tacos and you’ll get an immediate “No”.

BRING ON THE HATE COMMENTS.

For instance, I think I’m a person who hates change, but I also hate when things get stale. Therefore, I like change. But I hate it. See what I mean? A contradiction wrapped in decisiveness.

Icing sugar.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll notice how it went from a sports blog, to a blog about anything else. Poetry. Fiction. Rants. Letters. Chef Paulo.

I constantly reinvented this blog, so I didn’t get bored. That’s why I bounce around from genre to genre. I can’t stay in one lane. I can’t travel the same road. It gets boring.

Brussels sprout, Brussels pout. (This phrase is basically my divider. Like that stick you put on the conveyor belt at the checkout of a grocery store).

The bookshelf in my room has looked exactly the same since the early 2000s, with a few additions here and there. There are about 200 sports related magazines dating back to 1999.

I’m not a hoarder, you just think I am.

I’m not in denial, either, you just think I am.

Within the last ten days, I got tired of staring at it. I got tired of staring at magazines that represented the past. Everything about the bookshelf represented the past.

From the participation trophies that I hold near and dear to my heart, to the championship trophies that don’t nearly mean as much.

That last line was a joke for you millennials.

I didn’t throw out the magazines, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Again, not a hoarder.

I put them away. Out of sight. In their place, I put a bunch of sports books that I’ve read over the last three years. It’s fresh. It’s new. It’s change. It’s updated. It’s nice. It’s different. I like different.

Are you lost yet? Because I am. I have no clue what I’m saying at this point. Brussels sprout, Brussels pout.

I tell myself that this blog is something I’ll have for the rest of my life. But my fear is that one day I’ll wake up and never feel like blogging ever again. That I’ll close up shop, say goodbye to all of you, and forget this existed.

I’ll be honest, I felt that way at least a couple times within the last ten days. Where I said to myself, “If I don’t blog again, I think I’ll be okay.”

But then I remembered that I still have about eleven letters left to write (remember those?), and felt guilty. Because I like to please people. I like to make others happy, even if it’s never returned.

I guess that’s what this is about – happiness. Or maybe it’s not. I don’t know.

It feels like I’m fighting with myself sometimes. Send the text; don’t send the text. Read the book; go to sleep. Write a blog post; do anything else. Turn off the phone; put it on vibrate. Eat healthier; pizza.

It’s like my mind is fighting with uncertainty because it wants to accept both options.

The first half of my life was spent living one way, and the second half of my life has been spent living a completely different way. Ideally, I want a mix of both, but I don’t know how to accomplish that when the past keeps getting pushed further away.

This blog post is awful(ly excellent?).

At this point, I’m trying to think of something else to say that might salvage this post.

The other night I had a dream where I saw someone for the first time in years and all I did was cry, tell them I love them, and hug them. And then they gave me a dessert. They were a friend, but not really, yet I’d call them a friend. I don’t know how to explain it. I guess they were more of a reminder of a place.

And then I woke up and just felt so sad that they weren’t in my life anymore.

Did that salvage this? Probably not.

So here is an abrupt end to a strange post.

Brussels sprout, Brussels pout.

Upon editing, I think this post is actually about food. 

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
This entry was posted in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

59 Responses to Lately

  1. Myka says:

    “or timing my responses.” GAH! My demise.
    I know from a writers perspective, this entry probably feels like it is all over the place. But to me, the reader, I feel like you & I were having a conversation. Your blogs usually make me feel this way – like you’re a real person – not writing as though you’re only handing out optimistic slogans, pre-packaged on a shelf, ready for anyone to pick up and relate to. You’re a real person – with scattered thoughts, and irrational ideas – and you’re somehow someone I consider a friend. Though I only know you as The Captain. You’ve brought a lot of great people into my “life” I hope you don’t leave us before I’m ready for goodbye. #Selfish .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      The minute my blog posts don’t sound like a conversation, let me know, because that’ll probably be the end of this blog. Thank you for understanding this post. I said “technological nonsense” in my post, but I guess without it, this friendship wouldn’t exist and that would be a shame.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Issa says:

    here is the thing Paul, lately i have been getting the same feeling like i am too dependant to this little machine in my hand. it’s freaky and a strange ending is nice.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Raven says:

    I LOVE your posts. Sometimes I shout at my phone “yes! Cap gets it” then I throw my phone down and go about my day.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Raven says:

    I interrupt family dinner with my outburts they count as a crowd right? Ha!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. ~M says:

    I was just having a similar conversation with my husband, when he said… “Hey, check this out! Paul’s talking about the same thing in his blog post!” Coincidence? I think not… I’ve been noticing a lot of long time bloggers leaving WP lately. It leaves me wondering… is the newness and excitement of blogging fading over time? Could this quite possibly be the pattern we start to see more and more of? I’ve been thinking of giving up blogging myself. Some days I’m ready to, and other days I feel like that’s all just crazy talk. I’m just glad you’re still here. I’m still waiting for my letter after all. 😉 But seriously, we look forward to reading your posts and discussing them around the dinner table. So please don’t go! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Not a coincidence! Sometimes I’ll go back and look at my blog posts from 2-3 years ago just to see who commented on/liked them and it’ll be a completely different set of bloggers than who are currently here. I’ve noticed so many bloggers just fade away. I think they just run out of things to write about or they look at their stats page and think no one cares. I’m with you, I eventually chock it up to “crazy talk” and that I could never abandon this blog, but I do wonder what will force me to eventually stop. For now, though, I think I’ll be here awhile. Still a lot of words (and letters) left unwritten.

      Liked by 1 person

      • ~M says:

        With me, I just wonder if I should be spending more of my time away from blogging, in order to give more time to my family. But here it is 2 a.m. Nobody needs me right now, so I can get away with it and not feel guilty about it. 😉 I’m glad you aren’t going anywhere. That’s just a crazy thought to even entertain at all. If you ever stop, it’ll probably be because you’ve made something else a priority in your life. Maybe a wife, kids, etc…. Who knows…. only time will tell. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I think you should keep writing, especially if blogging doesn’t take away from the rest of your life. Knowing my luck, I’ll marry someone who doesn’t like my blog and that will be the end of this haha

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~M says:

        Well maybe that should be on your list of requirements. They must like your blog and support all of your writing efforts. It’s not too much to ask for really… 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Haha I’m not that worried. I haven’t run into anyone who hasn’t liked my writing yet. Yet…

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~M says:

        Well that’s good… your writing isn’t very difficult to like, so I think you’ve got your bases covered there! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Raven says:

    Haha! Well it happens. All the time. Except this past week. And I don’t explain my outbursts I just laugh and they look at me funny.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Raven says:

    Mine too. Nothing wrong with a little intrigue.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s like I could have written this. I feel ya, man. I feel ya.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This was so relatable. I still don’t know how I feel about blogging. For a while it was a big part of my life…then turned into feeling like an obligation…then nothing. I do hope you continue writing, so long as it comes natural to you. You definitely have a way with words.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I left once and here I am like the junkie I always knew I was. You can leave, but you must promise me you’ll never stop writing. You’re one of the good ones.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Aw I understand Paul. As you have noticed, I’ve been going 10 days without my blog too! I’m just like you, I’m definitely a night writer. But by the time I get home most days, it’s way past bedtime and I gotta sleep :/ It’s good to take time for yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Miriam says:

    Paul I totally get you. In fact you penned perfectly what I’ve been feeling lately and more and more. I haven’t posted for five days, feel like somehow my phone is attached to me and can’t remember the last time I got lost in a good book. And, like you, I used to read all the time. Not sure what the answer is, maybe an extended leave of absence on a desert island. Seriously though, great post. Blogging is an addiction, here’s to somehow finding that balance and not letting it rule us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      From what I’m hearing, we’re not alone in feeling this way. I think a lot of us just need to get away from our phones and computers for a bit but the world revolves around both devices that if we stay away to long, we lag behind and miss out. Not sure I like how dependant I am on these things, but it’s the way life is now I guess. Thanks for commenting, Miriam!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Miriam says:

        I think you’re right Paul and I do think part of it is this feeling of us “missing out”. But really, what are we missing out on? Life just goes on doesn’t it, regardless of whether we post anything.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I think we’ve programmed ourselves to think that we have to be active within a technological world in order to “live”.

        Like

  13. I’m a night writer too! I understand getting tired of it all sometimes; I think a social media cleanse is sometimes necessary, haha. I do hope to hear your final thoughts on The Bachelor still, though! 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Don’t tell anyone but I deleted about 220 people off Facebook haha. A cleanse was needed, even though I’ve been going on there less and less. And don’t worry! One final Bachelor post will happen. I felt bad stopping those posts because I know you looked forward to them. No hard feelings I hope!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh my goodness! How many friends did you have?! I have deleted a couple since the election (only because of hateful comments; not because I disagreed with them!). It’s amazing how much better Facebook is now, haha! And thank goodness — you’ll at least have to cover the finale. I’m rooting for Corinne, as I think they’re the best match. I’ve also grown kind of fond of her and kind of want to be her friend.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Haha I had about 350 “friends”. Corinne has grown on me. I don’t think she’s as bad as the show and other girls made her out to be. The whole nanny thing was overblown too. That being said, I like Vanessa. Probably because she’s Canadian lol

        Like

      • Yeah I agree with you! And I like that she’s so genuine. There isn’t anyone left I don’t like, but I am really excited Rachel is the next Bachelorette. She seems sweet!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I’m happy with that pick too. I was hoping it would be her or Kristina.

        Like

      • I loved Kristina! I thought she was going to be the bachelorette and was happy with that too. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  14. Yet another blogger who totally gets how you are feeling here. I think I have had a total of 6 different blogs in my life so far, and this is the only one I have been passionate about enough to stick with, but there are periods of time where I fade out. I won’t want to read other people’s posts, I won’t have anything to say (or I do, but I just don’t feel like saying them). It all starts to feel like work (the bad kind) and it’s exhausting. I’ve heavily considered deleting my blog without even a goodbye and moving on with my life a thousand times, and then I will come back full force and fall in love with it all over again a short time later. Maybe it’s just the nature of blogging. And the social media/digital era we live in. It’s nice to be inaccessible at times, but it’s becoming increasingly harder to do so. So it gets draining. Maybe that’s the heart of what you’re feeling: drained. However, if it does not pass and this feels like an obligation more than anything (maybe give it more than ten days consideration though just in case; no need in getting worried just yet), you don’t have to continue. You would be terribly missed, but you have to do what you have to do. Just consider it carefully, because you may fall in love with it all over again soon! You never know. (Sorry this was such a long reply!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      This was just the kind of comment I needed to read. First off, if you deleted your blog, I’d miss it. Your words are genuine, even in your vlogs (by the way, I liked the style in which you filmed your last one!). I think I was just run down from blogging so often in December in January that it all just felt repetitively. I don’t think I can leave this blog that easily though. It’s opened me up to an entire world of new friends, like yourself. Thanks again for this comment 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • And that is the kind of comment I needed to read. I was actually planning on deleting my YouTube channel pretty soon, but knowing that somebody watches it and takes note of the little things is really encouraging. So thank you. I’m glad to hear that you were likely just worn out and not actually going to quit blogging. Even in posts like this where you feel you don’t make sense, I found myself completely devouring (just trying to stay on theme with the food thing you have going on) every word. You’ve got talent. You deserve all the followers and friends you have gotten from blogging!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Nooo don’t delete it! I was going to leave a comment on that post but got sidetracked. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that someone always cares, even if they don’t say it. Haha “devouring”. Quitting blogging was just a tiny part of this post, it caught me a bit off guard that it was a major talking point in my comments section. I guess I struck a nerve.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You can’t help it that people love your blog! So even though it was a small part of the post, they panicked haha.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. Yay! Let the mutiny begin! Chaos Reigns! Free EXclaimaATIon Points for EVerYONe!!!

    Bruss le’pouts

    write right Paul, and let the rest take care of itself. I know I’m gonna be here.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Quarter life crisis? I’ve felt much the way you do over the last few months, sadly, the quarter life crisis was a while ago, think I may be heading towards the midlife one. It’s a teal B.

    Life is all about balance but i’ve never been to steady on my feet. It’s always a struggle, but one that’s worth the effort. When I get tired, I take a break. It’s so easy to get burnt out on social media. It’s wonderful because it allows us to connect with some really amazing people, but it’s terrible too because sometimes we forget to reconnect with ourselves and what makes us happy. You’re a wise young soul though and I know you’ll find your Zen or Air Supply. Just do what makes you happy. You’re readers will always be here because you’re just that amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Barb Knowles says:

    It felt like eons since you last posted, not ten days. Yours is one of the few blogs I read every day. There are a bunch that I read consistently, but have to catch up on a few days. I like that you write about different topics and that your blog changed from your original intent. Maybe that’s because mine did, as well. I’ve been on a new kick to try to blog every day but it’s really hard.
    As to social media, for 4 years in a row, my husband and I went on a cruise for our vacation. I didn’t bring phone, kindle, laptop. Just my nook which is always filled with new books. Plus a bunch of actual books. It was lovely super liberating which might sound weird, until I woke up from a nap, had no idea where he was, where we were eating dinner, and had to scour the boat before I found him on one of the decks. And I thought “if I only had my phone.”
    ps, I feel your passion most when you’re writing about sports

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Blogging every day is hard because I don’t ever want to feel like I “have” to post something. I’d rather post something because I want to. Haha perhaps you should put a tracking device on your husband or tie a helium balloon to his finger so you can spot him (Ideas for future cruises).

      Liked by 1 person

      • Barb Knowles says:

        It took me a minute to figure out you meant cruises. He could have gone old school and actually used a pen and paper to leave me a note. It was wonderful to be disconnected, but then as soon as we disembarked I turned my phone on.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. peckapalooza says:

    I think about walking away from it all a few times a month. But then I think of the dozen or so people who would miss me. You, on the other hand, would be missed by a great deal more. But, you do you.

    Liked by 1 person

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