Viewing Notes: The Bachelor Ep. 5

My BFF Meghan is joining me this week to provide some commentary on this week’s episode. You guys are getting two for the price of fun. That was a pun.

Meghan’s notes are in bold. Mine aren’t.

• “I hate girl chat.” – Rachel. Andddd we’re off.

• So Corinne (aka spoiled brat) has already called the therapist a dumb b***^. We are only two minutes in.

• Why is it that when girls argue with each other, one of them always has to say one of the following words: genuine, classy, adult?

• Is this The Bachelor or The Corinne Show?? I’m confused.

• I already have a headache. Why didn’t I prepare better for this and get wine?!

• Taylor and Corinne are fighting about how fake the other is. They would make a good tag team.

• “Not here for the right reasons.” Drink!

• Ooohhh they were sitting by a fire. Should’ve had an Inferno Match while they had the chance.

• I wonder if Corinne is afraid of ghosts. Probably.

• Corinne is tattling on Taylor, to Nick.

• Nick doesn’t know what to do, so he kisses her and tells Corinne to continue to be mature.

• And Corinne is drunk…again.

• B word count: 3 in 10 mins.

•  Nick tells Chris he had so much fun this week. Oh, good. I was worried he was in a coma.

• “These are mature women.” – Nick

• AHAHAHAHAHA

• The girl with a nanny is calling other girls “entitled”.

• Toes Ceremony time.

• “Real connections are forming for me. I know you all so well. I’m mumbling the rest of this because I have a sandwich in my mouth.” – Nick

• Nick you better save my favorite aka Danielle, who is a nurse.

• Danielle is saved.

• The crazy cat lady looks shocked she got a rose. Is the crazy dolphin lady still here? This show confuses me.

• They are having this ceremony outside and everyone is so cold. It’s also a bit frigid outside. Ba dum shhhh.

• Can Corinne and Taylor stop fighting? You’re both annoying.

• Corinne got the second last rose. Taylor got the last rose. Someone needs to build a wall between them. Anyone know a guy?

• Noooo Sarah didn’t get a rose? I liked her. I don’t remember her speaking much, but I liked her.

• “Thank you again for putting your hearts out there.” – Nick, making them sound like recycling bins.

• Drink every time Corinne swears or is drunk. JK you’ll be drunk in 10 mins.

• I was already about to turn this off, but according to the episode preview they are being forced to stay in a haunted house. You have regained my interest.

• Nick couldn’t think of a more perfect place to fall in love than New Orleans?

• I feel like everyone is suddenly trying to have a southern accent since they are in New Orleans.

• I, too, feel like everyone is suddenly trying to have a southern accent since they are in N’awlins.

• The girls who are from N’awlins think they have an advantage now because they think Nick proposes to a place and not a person. They have their nouns mixed up.

• Rachel is still talking about getting the first impression rose because she hasn’t had a one on one date yet and we’re halfway there….ohhhhhh…livin’ on a prayer. Sing it, Meghan!

• Meghan?

• It’s Chris Harrison! And he’s wearing a jacket so his sleeves aren’t rolled up. That ends his four episode streak.

• There will be a two on one date tonight. You, me, Dupree, and Meghan, know it’s gonna be Taylor and Corinne.

• “Aww you like him” – yes isn’t that why you’re all on the show?? NO.

• “Drawwwmuhhhhh”. Drink everything in your fridge.

• Rachel gets the first date and Nick greets her by eating her face.

• “I’m going to treat you right and buy you a bunch of things.” – Nick
  Wait, where do I sign up for this part of the show? Don’t do it Meghan!

• “I wanna eat you.” – Nick. YOU JUST WERE.

• They exit the French Market and enter a cafe to eat more. They also put food in their mouths.

• Now they are eating binguets. They are yummy.

• Nick eats like a two year old. Heeeere comes the airplane!

• They are now dancing down the street with a band while holding umbrellas ellas ellas, eh?

• Apparently Nick has swag. Why is swag still a word?

• All the other girls are creepishly watching the one on one date from the hotel…..oh.

• The recurring theme of this show every season is: “I never have enough time with the bachelor/bachelorette.” No kidding. 25 people. 24 hours in a day. Math.

• I wonder if they screen all the people on this show for mono before. So much making out.

• Rachel says this is the best date of her life. Darn, I was hoping she’d say it was the 4th best.

• “Thanks for having me.” – Rachel, acting as if she was invited over to his house for a Christmas party.

• Alternate meaning: “Thanks for having me.” – Rachel. Because Nick ate her face.

• Rachel’s dad is a Federal Judge and Nick wets himself.

• “I don’t believe in fairytales.” …but you do believe in falling in love with a guy you haven’t even known for a month. Sigh.

• Back at the hotel, the girls await the next date card because it’s not obvious to them that the two on one is going to be Taylor and Corinne. #Clueless

• YESSS IT’S THE HAUNTED HOUSE TIME.

• Group date is at a place called Houma’s House. Any chance Moaning Myrtle lives here?

• Who’s Houma?

• This date is a real who’s hou. Eh? EHH?

• Raven’s southern accent is getting thicker and thicker as this episode goes on.

• Every group date feels like an elementary school field trip.

• “Y’all grab a buddy, get on the bus, and tell the big trucks to honk when they drive by! Ya hear?”

• Meghan, take over. Please.

• I feel like the ghosts should be more scared of these women. They are way scarier than the undead.

• The caretaker of the haunted house is named Boo. This is so staged.

• These girls are falling for the phony ghost stories. My box of Cheez-Its have a higher IQ.

• OHHH HECK NOOOO. THERE ARE DOLLS. BYEEE.

• Tag in.

• Boo the caretaker guy is related to the photographer in the man romper from a few episodes ago, isn’t he?

• Moaning Myrtle does not live here. A ghost named Mae (Gaslight Anthem) does.

• Nick makes a toast at dinner: “To Mae. May we not find her.” Ahaha good one, Nick. Good one.

• Oh, he wasn’t done. “…and if we do, hopefully she doesn’t murder us.” NICK! You morbid human.

• Vanessa (Canada 1!) is the only smart one. Don’t touch the evil spirit board.

• Nick wants to play with the oujia board because the producer told him to earlier.

• And the power goes out….of course.

• A chandelier falls after Jasmine touches a statue because it was a booby trap. The girls think it’s real. Come on! Have they never seen Home Alone?

• “Is intelligency a word?” – No.

• “Emotional intelligence.” Drink.

• The girls each get their alone time on the group date and all they keep talking about is the ghost. How are they supposed to get proposed to in three weeks?

• Nick is always awkwardly stroking people. Does that bother anyone else? 

• “I loved our Backstreet Boys date about two weeks ago. I can see myself falling in love with you.” – Danielle L. Oh.

• Jasmine thought the producers were just setting them up with this haunted house, but now she believes in ghosts and that this wasn’t a set-up. Oh.

• Danielle M. and Vanessa think that their flickering candle is a sign from the “ghost” …..you two were my favorite…….. wow.

• Okay, Nick and Danielle are super awkward. My favorite is so gone.

• Nick doesn’t even talk to her. He just dances his fingers on her forearm and then…never mind.

• Because of this, Danielle thinks their relationship has gotten deeper. Oh.

• Raven dropped the L bomb…..ohhhhhh damn!

• Raven just told Nick she loves him, by accident.

• “Whatever. I said it. I own it.” – Raven.

• Meghan has had enough. Thanks, Meghan!

• The group date rose goes to Danielle M. and now Raven thinks Nick doesn’t love her back.

• The last half hour is Taylor vs. Corinne in a “Nick on the pole” match. That’s a legit thing. Trust me.

• The three of them are on a boat in the Bayou.

• Stop saying “Emotional intelligence.” Stop it. Drink.

• “The Bayou is a very interesting place.” – Nick. Don’t ever change. #Words

• There is a lady explaining to them what voodoo dolls are. Man, I wish Meghan were still making notes on this part!

• Field Trip! Where is Ms. Frizzle when you need her?

• “Corinne is lacking what Nick needs in a relationship.” – Taylor (Swift?)

• This voodoo lady is the 4th wheel on this date aka the relationship counsellor.

• “It feels very tense.”

• S-T-A-G-E-D, find out what it means to me?

• “She’s a big, mean swamp monster.” – Corinne.

• Corinne and Nick are sitting on a log, as if they are on Survivor. Hurry up and build the shelter before the sun goes down!

• Corinne tells Nick that Taylor emotionally attacked her and “basically” called her stupid.

• Nick replies with, “How does that make you feel?”

• Well knock me over and leave me there.

• I am on the floor. I can’t stop laughing. Just hit my foot on the fireplace. Don’t care. How. Does. That. Make. You. Feel. Ha. Ha. Ha. Haha. Ha. Ha. Oh, Nick. You active listener, you.

• Taylor tags in for her time with Nick and immediately asks him: “How are you doing?” Give them a talk show. Now.

• Nick tells Taylor that Corinne called her a bully.

• “Emotional intelligence”. Dri…ahh what’s the point?

• Prediction: Nick is going to keep Corinne. They’ll take off. And we’ll see a shot of Taylor left deserted in the middle of nowhere. Book it.

• T & C sit down for some girl time. Oh wait. Nope. Not girl time. Opposite of that.

• They are so jealous of each other. You can tell by the way they turn their heads while they talk.

• If Nick had any guts, he would declare this match a double disqualification and send both of them home.

• They “literally” did nothing on this date except sit in a forest and tell Nick how bad the other one is.

• And the rose goes to………Corinne. Of course, because she’s the lead of this show. Nick is a secondary character at this point.

• OH LOOK, Nick and Corinne leave on a boat while Taylor stays behind by herself.

• “I’m feeling very confused.” – Taylor

• “I literally just don’t get it.” – Taylor has never seen this show before.

• “I am certainly not the villain in this experience.” – Taylor, the villain.

• To future contestants: The more you talk, the more ammo the editors have against you. Just be quiet.

• I have a headache now.

• Oh no! Taylor is back from the dead (BECAUSE THERE WERE GHOSTS IN THIS EPISODE) and crashes Corinne & Nick’s dinner because the producers probably asked her if she wanted to.

• This episode drained my emotional intelligence.

Thanks again to Meghan for providing some great commentary tonight!