The Royal Rumble

I want to write about wrestling, which means I’m about to alienate about 101.3% of my readers. If this affects you, just know that I am not sorry, nor do I care. *Insert smiley face*

Perhaps you can give this post a chance, anyway. After all, it’s still me. And you like me. Remember?

Tonight is the Royal Rumble. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a wrestling event put on by the WWE. Essentially, there are matches throughout the night and the main event is known as the Royal Rumble. Like Christmas, it happens only once a year.

Every 90 (or 60) seconds, a sweaty wrestler enters the ring and attempts to throw the people in the ring over the top rope and to the floor. That is the only way to get eliminated in this match.

The last one standing goes on to challenge the champion at WrestleMania, which is the Super Bowl of wrestling.

That’s your crash course lesson; impress your friends with your knowledge. Now I’m just going to write as if you all know everything about wresting because I can’t be bothered to explain everything.

*Insert smiley face again*

By inserting a smiley face, I’m basically pulling a Don Rickles. I say things that may not be nice and then I smile so you know I don’t really mean it and we’re still friends. 

Before I give my thoughts on the Royal Rumble match, I just want to give some thoughts on the current state of the WWE product.

That was a really boring sentence. Sorry. I can’t be entertaining all the time.

What bothers me about the WWE right now is the characters their wrestlers have. There is very little difference in character from one good guy to the next. They all try to be funny and say witty things that could trend on Twitter.

It’s the same script, but for a different wrestler. Most of the time.

Another thing – the wrestlers the fans want to cheer, are heels (the bad guy); while the wrestlers we dislike are the good guys.

It’s bothersome. We don’t want to cheer John Cena anymore, but little kids love him and he sells a bunch of merchandise, so he’s a good guy.

We don’t want to cheer Roman Reigns, but he has “the look”, so he’s the good guy.

By the way, why does Reigns get to wear a vest with padding on it when he wrestles? He’s supposed to be this big strong guy and he’s out there wearing equipment? I don’t like it.

Every time someone kicks or punches him in the chest, I don’t believe that he’s hurt, or even “fake hurt”. He’s wearing armour. Get rid of it.

Kevin Owens is disgruntled, cantankerous, and entertaining all at the same time. His quick responses, facial reactions, and overall attitude is something I want to cheer for. Plus he’s Canadian. But no, he’s booked as the bad guy.

I could go on and on, but it frustrates me as I write it.

So what ends up happening is the crowd doesn’t react like they’re supposed to because they don’t really hate the wrestlers the WWE wants them to, and they don’t really like the ones they’re supposed to.

Maybe it’s all a ploy, so when these characters finally turn, we’re ready for it. But it’s hard watching something when you know…that they know…they have to force something down your throat.

Dolph Ziggler turned heel (became a bad guy) a few weeks ago and I already don’t care. Why? Because he turned on two of his “friends” by attacking them. Quite frankly, his friends were boring and I don’t really have any sympathy for them. So why should I hate Ziggler?

Regardless, Ziggler is now a heel, which is just him looking really angry all the time because apparently that’s what every bad guy should look like.

If I were a heel in the WWE, I’d smile as much as possible. Kill ’em with kindness. They need more bad guys like that.

Another thing that bothers me is how the WWE seems to stall for time on every storyline. They try and stretch them out as long as they can.

For instance, Kevin Owens won the Universal Championship in September. Since then, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins have been the only two guys who have challenged for it. Really? In five months, no one else on the RAW roster wants the biggest prize?

Okay.

Owens won the championship when Triple H interfered in the match and helped him win, screwing over Seth Rollins in the process.

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that Rollins actually started trying to get revenge on Triple H. What was he doing for four months? Watching Stranger Things on repeat?

In real life, it doesn’t make sense. In the wrestling world, it does, because nothing ever makes sense.

In actuality, the company wanted to push back the Rollins vs. HHH match until WrestleMania in April. So we’ve had to endure a bunch of mini feuds that don’t really matter, until then.

As for the women, I’m tired of hearing about the “Divas Revolution”. Yes, it’s nice that the women are finally being treated equally but I just need them to stop talking about “making history.” We get it. You’re making history. Stop saying it every episode.

Rapid fire thoughts on the women’s division:

• It’s quite clear that they want Charlotte to eventually match the number of title reigns that her father, Ric Flair, had (16).

• Bayley is going to win the championship at WrestleMania, not tonight.

• Sasha Banks needs to turn heel. She’s better that way.

• Nia Jax should move over to Smackdown when the WWE Draft comes around because I can’t see her holding the title for a lengthy amount of time (which she eventually should), with Charlotte, Bayley, and Sasha Banks consistently challenging her.

• Alexa Bliss is probably my favourite women’s wrestler right now. She’s just so bitter all the time – it’s refreshing.

• Carmella needs to get away from James Ellsworth before she becomes too much of a joke.

• I’m glad Natalya and Nikki Bella are in a feud with each other because I don’t really care that much about either one at this point.

•  So happy to see Mickie James return. Was always a big fan of hers.

• Give Naomi a title run. Do it.

•  Becky Lynch needs backup.

As for the cruiserweight division, get rid of it, or have them at least interact with the rest of the roster. Stop changing the ring ropes to purple (from red) every time it’s their turn to perform.

One last point before I get to the Rumble – the WWE needs to make the championship titles mean something. There should be a long list of people who are motivated to win a championship.

Currently, there are just a bunch of guys who are seemingly there to have a match of no consequence and go home. There needs to be a story, or a pursuit, something.

At least make it unpredictable. Before some matches even start, we already know the winner. Let the guys who lose 100% of the time, sneak out a victory. Keep me on my toes, as I lay on my couch.

Time for my rapid fire Royal Rumble thoughts:

• This is the most unpredictable Rumble in years.

• Goldberg, Brock Lesnar, and The Undertaker are all in it, but the first two won’t win it because they’ll end up facing each other at WrestleMania.

• Based on internet rumours, The Undertaker won’t win it. I think he was supposed to at one point and challenge John Cena for the championship (Cena would have to defeat A.J. Styles tonight).

• That being said, I can’t see The Undertaker being eliminated by anyone. Not cleanly, or one-on-one, at least. Unless the person who eliminates him is his WrestleMania opponent? I DON’T KNOW.

• Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho has to happen at WrestleMania, doesn’t it? So maybe Jericho wins the Rumble and Owens defeats Reigns and then the Canadian friendship finally dissolves.

• That match can happen without it being for the championship, though.

• Baron Corbin better not win the Rumble.

• Braun Strowman will probably get eliminated by 9 people because he’s so big (or just one of The Undertaker, Goldberg, or Brock Lesnar), but not before he throws people out of the ring like they’re hamburger wrappers.

• Dean Ambrose better not win the Rumble, either. I’m tired of him. Why does he insist on wrestling in jeans? I hate just standing in jeans.

• There are so many guys who could win the Rumble, but for each of them I can come up with a good reason why they won’t win it. I’m so confused. This is why wrestling is fun, though.

• I want The New Day to turn on each other, even if it’s just in a playful manner. Do something new with them.

• The list of potential surprise entrants really interests me. I’ll talk about them now.

Kenny Omega – I’m not fully convinced that Kenny Omega re-signed with New Japan Pro Wrestling. I think the whole thing might be a work (fake). Because him appearing at the Royal Rumble got to the point where it wasn’t really going to be a surprise.

So what better way to turn a non-surprise into a surprise? Squash the rumours that you’re joining the WWE by creating a fake story that you’re going back to NJPW and tell the most respected professional wrestling writer in the world, your decision.

I’m not buying it. Or maybe I just don’t want to. Probably the latter.

Other guys I hope are surprise entrants:

Kurt Angle – I’ve been waiting for this for a decade.

Shelton Benjamin – Is he still injured?

Finn Balor – It’s time to come back. Maybe win the Rumble and face Owens at WrestleMania in a “I never lost my title to you, I got injured” match. Maybeeeee.

Daniel Bryan – There, I said it. Long story, short: He retired a year ago because the WWE doctors wouldn’t clear him. Other doctors have cleared him; maybe the WWE doctors have too, now? Plus, he needs to face The Miz eventually, right? Their storyline needs a destination.

Hulk Hogan – I’m not really hoping that he enters the Rumble, but it would be interesting.

Samoa Joe – He’s gotta, right? He just has to.

Tye Dillinger – “The Perfect 10”. Everyone pretty much knows he’s debuting at the #10 spot. If he doesn’t, the crowd will hijack the show and it’ll be a disaster.

Shinsuke Nakamura – STOP WASTING HIM IN NXT AND BRING HIM UP TO THE MAIN ROSTER ALREADY.

Matt & Jeff Hardy – My spidey senses predicted Jeff Hardy’s last return to WWE before anyone even made a rumour about it. I JUST SENSE THESE THINGS, OKAY.

Don’t know how confident I am about this one though.

The Young Bucks – No chance. Right?

Well, that’s it. I just nerded out for 1800 words, but it was necessary. If you read all of this, dinner is on me. If you didn’t, well, I didn’t care about you anyway.

*Insert smiley face*