Viewing Notes: The Bachelor Ep. 3

Yeah, I’m doing this again. Someone should check on my well-being.

  • Nick calls a team huddle to tell them that he and Liz had met at a wedding (whaaaat?) nine months ago.
  • The girls are upset about it because they thought he had never interacted with a woman, until they met him.
  • “It’s nice to know we get to talk to him about it.” – Random Person.
  • THERE’S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
  • Nick is talking as if he has five marshmallows in his mouth.
  • The first ten minutes feel like someone died.
  • THEY ARE ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS NOW! I TOLD YOU HE HAD SOME IN HIS MOUTH!
  • Corinne takes her clothes off and puts on a trench coat. Is she expecting a storm? What’s going on here? I have no idea. What could possibly be…
  • Corinne sprays whipped cream into Nick’s mouth. Gotta think that’s a weird combination in there – whipped cream and marshmallows.
  • Corinne then puts whipped cream on her chest and Nick goes full Spring Break on her.
  • Time for the Bros Ceremony. Corinne isn’t there because she’s napping. Nick stops the ceremony because her mom didn’t call in and say she was going to be absent, so he’s worried.
  • The train wreck show must go on!
  • The Doze (BECAUSE CORINNE IS NAPPING, GET IT?) Ceremony ends and Hailey (FROM VANCOUVER? NOOO NOT CANADA 2!) is crying.
  • She spent about 35 minutes, from the time she arrived to now, talking to him and she’s crushed she’s not gonna marry him.
  • #Tissues4YourIssues
  • Group Date time and in walk the Backstreet Boys. They have held Nick hostage. Oh thank God.
  • For a band that was so popular, they only seem to sing the same two songs.
  • Nick is jealous that the girls like the Backstreet Boys. Yeah! How dare they like more than one person at the same time? Nick would never.
  • It’s a dancing competition date thing. Corinne can’t dance and left her whipped cream and trench coat at home, so she’s in trouble.
  • Corinne is worried about embarrassing herself in front of 500 people. It’s a good thing this show isn’t on TV.
  • We are flying through this episode. Thank goodness.
  • “Scratch. My. Back. Alright!” – Backstreet Boys
  • Danielle wins the challenge, or something, and gets to be serenaded by the boy band while dancing with Nick as a room full of people stares at them.
  • Mid-episode trivia: What part about this show is realistic?
  • Answer: The commercial breaks.
  • “Ten-shhhin”
  • “I’m glad you’re here.” Drink!
  • “I made Corinne great again.” – Corinne. DRINK EVERYTHING.
  • I just pressed pause. I need to recover.
  • Oh, now Corinne is napping again. They keep adding a snoring sound effect but it’s clearly not her. I am smarter than to fall for that.
  • Back at the house…DING DONG.
  • Vanessa aka Canada 1 is getting a one on one date.
  • “Dating is actually going on dates. This is not dating, this is just, like, waiting.” – Only smart girl in the house
  • Oh, it’s coming out now that Corinne has a nanny who does everything for her.
  • “I have tried so many times to make cheese pasta, but I can’t make cheese pasta like her.” – Corinne
  • “Here for the right reason.” DRINK!
  • The girls are freaking out that Corinne can’t do anything for herself and, therefore, Nick should not marry her. Someone should tell him!
  • I think they’re over-reacting. Nick might be an idiot, but he’s not an idiot idiot. He’s not gonna marry a girl who doesn’t even know how to make cereal. Relax.
  • Time for Vanessa and Nick to hop on an airplane for their date, like any normal couple would.
  • Oh, the plane has zero gravity which means they’ll feel like they’re in space.
  • Prediction #1: They’re gonna kiss each other while floating.
  • Prediction #2: They’ll cut away to an interview with one of them saying, “That was amazing.”
  • Prediction #3: Someone is gonna puke.
  • Make me proud, guys!
  • Annnnnd there is the kiss. One down, two to go.
  • Annnnnd there are the cut away interviews where they say it was incredible (basically the same as “amazing”).
  • Annnnnd here comes the vomit!!
  • Three for three! How good am I? Didn’t even need to see the previews.
  • Nick holds her while she pukes. This just bought her three more episodes at the least. Ohhh Canada.
  • And now they’re kissing, so Nick can experience what her vomit tastes like.
  • He carries her to the car because she just threw up and can’t walk.
  • Back at the never ending slumber party at the house. The third date is gonna be sports related, and therefore, a disaster.
  • “He’s like the total package.” Drink!
  • “I don’t know too much about you. I saw a few episodes.” – Canada 1
  • Come on, Canada! Do your research! You can’t just get there and expect to find out about him on the fly. You gotta know ahead of time!
  • “Why would you do this again?” – Canada 1. Ohhh get ’em, Canada!
  • Fun Fact: Canada has our own version of The Bachelor. We call it, The Lumberjack.
  • When it’s a female lead, we call it The Lumberjill.
  • Okay, I exaggerated. But we do have our own version. It’s not that good though, because everyone on the show thinks it’s a frat party. Just like the American version….
  • Time for the third date.
  • “I’m super excited to see Nick. It’s been so long. I hope he remembers my name.”
  • They are on a track and three athletes join them to run a Nickathlon.
  • I had to rewind this three times to make sure Carl Lewis actually said Nickathlon.
  • Oh Carl, you’ve fallen so far.
  • The first event is long jump, but they have a cardboard limo to…never mind. This is dumb.
  • “I’d like to track and field Nick all day.”
  • I vomited all over the carpet. I guess only the Canadians are puking tonight.
  • “I’m getting overshadowed by much bigger personalities. I’m not the loudest one in the room.”
  • 1) You’re outdoors.
  • 2) You don’t need a big personality for him to like you.
  • I just turned into Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer. I’m scared to know which one.
  • OH LOOK! Another challenge!
  • The winner of a race gets hot tub time with Nick.
  • The losers get $10 gift cards to Dunkin’ Donuts.
  • Time for another Foes Ceremony and Nick wants to talk to Astrid – the girl who won the race – and he gives her a ring that she can put on her arm.
  • The ring on her arm is a tracking device in case she gets lost. Corinne already went MIA, you can’t be too careful.
  • Meanwhile, Dominique is crying in the washroom because she just got back from her first date with him and feels like Nick doesn’t care about her.
  • I have a question for Dominique: Let’s turn this around, what has he done to make you care about him?
  • Why are you crying?
  • “I have cabin fever.”
  • Uh oh. Somebody quarantine this entire house! Forever!
  • “I don’t think you gave me a fair chance.” – Dominique
  • BECAUSE THERE WERE 47 PEOPLE ON THE DATE, DOMINIQUE. KEEP UP.
  • “Con-ver-say-shhhin” – This is becoming a weekly word. Drink up.
  • These girls have a knack for turning the -sion/-tion part of words into a really long, drawn out whine of “shhhiiiiin”.
  • Nick is breaking up with her because they’ve been on one date where they avoided each other.
  • Dominique is crying because it happened, but will smile because it’s over. – Dr. Paul Seuss
  • Read that last note again because it was brilliant.
  • “Getting this rose validates how I’m feeling.” OH MY GOD, EVERY SEASON.
  • Drink!
  • It’s the next morning and every girl has a coffee mug in their hand because that’s how they’ll get Instagram famous, when out of nowhere, the Rose Garden himself, Mr. Chris “yup yup, sleeves rolled up” Harrison walks in!
  • There is no cocktail party tonight; there will be a pool party instead.
  • And just like that, RA Chris has fulfilled his duties.
  • “This is a pool party, why aren’t you naked?”
  • BECAUSE IT’S A POOL PARTY.
  • There might be children in the shallow end. Ba dum shhh.
  • Because, you see, some of these girls can be described as children AND shallow. Do you get it? Children in the shallow end. Do you get it now? Good. I hope so. I’m glad we had this talk.
  • Corinne invites him inside a bouncy castle and jumps all over him.
  • The girls get jealous because their childhood experiences with bouncy castles all ended in injury.
  • “I’m going back inside. We’re not doing this.” – Everyone except Corinne.
  • Why are the girls mad at only Corinne? Be mad at Nick for once. He allows it to happen.
  • AGAIN WITH THE FAKE SNORING SOUND. It sounds like a constipated water buffalo.
  • Let me say that again, a CONSTIPATED WATER BUFFALO.
  • Oh no! One of the girls is telling Nick that Corinne has a nanny.
  • Nick doesn’t seem to have a problem with it because he’s Nick. He wants a nanny, too.
  • These girls wait days to talk to him and when they do, they talk about what the other girls are saying.
  • “I guess I question what your intentions are. I saw you riding Corinne like a kid rides a tricycle (or something along those lines).” – Canada 1
  • “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions.” – Canada Freakin’ 1!
  • Yes! Leave it to the Canadian to say what I’m thinking.
  • Eh Plus!

Oh good, it’s over.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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30 Responses to Viewing Notes: The Bachelor Ep. 3

  1. I don’t even like the Bachelor, and every week I read this, and every week I end up hating myself but can’t stop reading. It’s how I imagine you feel when you’re watching it. I’ve never seen an episode and I feel like I know them all.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Yes Rosie! Welcome to the madness! Normally I just watch the first episode and fast forward through the rest of them, but people seem to enjoy watching me torturing myself, so I give them what they want – this 11/10 recap.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Barb Knowles says:

    I have never seen this show, and have no desire to. But I love reading your commentary! A good job for you would be to give a running commentary for new pilot shows. Your talents are needed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. peckapalooza says:

    Way to hang in there. Released from your obligation to continue on with this thing, yet here we are. I applaud you, sir. Hilarious as usual.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Jess says:

    I just heard last night that there’s a bracket for The Bachelor. Kind of like March Madness. If you didn’t know this, you’re welcome and you better do it for next season.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. commutingwithkristen says:

    Oh man, I didn’t think you had it in you to go for Round 3!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. stharp30 says:

    Love these posts! So fun to see a guy’s perspective while watching.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Anthea says:

    The cheese pasta quote was my favorite part of the episode. And I could not deal with the fake snoring. Also, I was so happy that at the end Vanessa called out Nick instead of just insulting Corinne like all the other girls.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. thatzimgirl says:

    Lmao all my thoughts exactly. The sad part is this is usually what happens with girls. We will opt to hate each other instead of the guy. Corinnes nanny LOL they’re so dramatic. I need for there to be a season where the drama is that one of the girls falls madly in love with Chris Harrison but he doesn’t know it and she’s like leaving him little notes and things lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Hahaha that would be a fantastic twist! She would be offered a rose by the bachelor but turns it down and says, “there’s someone else…and his name is Chris Harrison”. That would be incredible.

      Liked by 2 people

  9. thatzimgirl says:

    That would ACTUALLY be the “most dramatic season ever” as Chris says in ever season that ever aired lol they’re ridiculously dumb but it makes for entertaining mindless tv after work so I’m complaining, but I’m not.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hahaha I actually saw snippets of this episode and I was like ‘I wonder what Paul’s going to say!” You nailed it😂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Myka says:

    Let it be known that I have this open on two screens. One for commenting as I read, one for reading.
    Moments that made me giggle (well, giggle louder than the rest).
    A). “The first ten minutes feel like someone died.” hahaha.
    B). Gotta think that’s a weird combination in there – whipped cream and marshmallows. HAHAH also weird combo, whipped cream & date – 2?! Call me Prude, but I usually keep that as a back pocked “whoops I ate his last slice of pizza” move.
    C). #Tissues4YourIssues
    D). It’s a good thing this show isn’t on TV.
    E). By cheese pasta, did she mean Mac & Cheese?
    F). they have a cardboard limo to…never mind. This is dumb. hahaha
    G). KEEP UP. hahaha
    H). Because, you see, some of these girls can be described as children AND shallow.
    I). Why are the girls mad at only Corinne? Be mad at Nick for once. He allows it to happen. – because girls suck, even in real life we do this. UGH. I try not to ever be this girl. Try…
    J). These girls wait days to talk to him and when they do, they talk about what the other girls are saying. – I admire you.
    K). Already waiting for next weeks’ notes, Oh, & show I guess!
    .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I think this comment just made my day.
      A) It was a sombre and ombre mood.
      B) Kinky?
      C) Yup
      D) Yup
      E) Mac & Cheese is gross
      F) Yup
      G) KEEP UP
      H) Yup
      I) Try?
      J) Thanks
      K) My notes are better than the show, I know

      Liked by 1 person

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