1. I am the type of person who you’d assume eats the end piece of a loaf of bread. I don’t. I treat it poorly, just like the rest of you.
2. A good chocolate chip cookie is hard to find these days.
3. Did Microsoft Word use a paperclip as our “assistant” because paperclips have a knack for keeping things together and humans are falling apart every three seconds?
4. What do you call someone who tries to be witty, but fails? A dimwit. Get it? Their wit is dim? LAUGH!
5. Does anyone else wonder if the Bananas in Pyjamas are just dying to wear regular clothes, but can’t because of contractual obligations? I do. I worry about them.
6. They should make donuts the size of cakes.
That way I can spin it on my arm and not my finger. I like donuts; I just want them to last longer.
7. It bothers me that the majority of NBA logos have a basketball in them. A basketball is a piece of equipment. It’s the only league with this epidemic. Get creative, or get out.
8. When someone prefaces what they’re about to say with, “I’m not gonna lie”, that lets you know they’re lying every other time, right?
9. There are too many emojis. Happy face; pizza slice; red balloon. That’s all you need.
9.5 The red balloon will be used for sad moments because no one likes it when a balloon floats away.
10. I’m starting to get tired of the term, “twenty-something”.
11. I like the smell of a new hockey jersey. It makes my nostrils tingle with glee.
12. Matthew McConaughey talks as if he’s sleeping upside down.
13. Places that sell eyeglasses should have posters of people squinting, hung up in their front window. That is much more relatable. Don’t sell me “fashion” or “necessity”. Sell me stubbornness. Show me how stupid I look, not how good I could look.
14. Remember that phase where we couldn’t go a day without someone telling us who their new spirit animal was? That was annoying.
14.5 My spirit animal is a bag of chips and a couch; it’s a joint effort. You?
15. Does anyone know what the word “smorgasbord” means or do we just know the context in which to use it?
16. Just about every football player leads with their head when making a tackle. I’m tired of the whole “hit ’em hard so they’re intimidated” football culture. No, moron. Just get their knee on the ground and move on to the next play.
17. Why did people stop bragging about their adult colouring books? I wanted weekly updates.
17.5 I would’ve settled for an update every fortnight.
18. If there is an article called, “Where To Put Your Arms When You Sleep”, someone let me know.
19. I’m tired of celebrities trying to hijack award shows by making an “impactful speech”. Why is something more meaningful when a rich person says it? Are the rest of us dumb?
20. Every Breath You Take by The Police is a song about an obsessive stalker, right?
20.25 “Oh but Paul, it’s a romantic song.” Spare me.
20.5 Every move you make, every leaf you rake, every sip of water you take, every pizza slice you break, I’ll be watching youuu.
20.75 Ain’t nothin’ romantic about a broken pizza slice. NOTHIN’.
21. I like sitting on couches the opposite way than I normally do. That sentence made more sense in my head.
22. Music videos hit their peak when Rick Astley danced next to a fence on a sunny day. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
22.5 The first shot of him dancing next to a fence is at 11 seconds. This might be the best part of your day – you’re welcome.
23. I’m embarrassed at how good I am at glow in the dark mini putt.
24. Just once, I’d like to see a car commercial where there is another car on the road and they aren’t driving through the mountains or a mud pit.
25. I was tired of memes about four years ago. Imagine the torture I’ve had to endure since then. I should be compensated.
25.5 If I see one more caption that starts with “That moment when”, I’m going to lose it.
26. When you’re in a crowded elevator, have you ever noticed that the only person that talks always tilts their head back?
27. The Big Bad Wolf should really change its name to something more unassuming.
28. It baffles me how no one asked Team Iceland to provide birth certificates for their players in the second Mighty Ducks movie. Everyone on the team looked way too old for their division.
29. The first person to say “whoever smelt it, dealt it”, is normally the one who dealt it. They’re just looking for a scapegoat.
30. I realized the other day that Snow White’s last name is probably because snow is white. Did she ever wear yellow, though?
31. Am I the only one who forgot most of the information I spent hours memorizing in university?
32. If there is someone out there who thinks about sports and food more than I do, they’re either sadistic, my future wife, or sadistic.
33. Popcorn without butter is like a bed without a pillow.
34. Dogs and hula hoops hate me, but when I see a dog jump through a hoop, I catch myself smiling.
35. I really want to start a new trend called the Fridge Selfie, but I don’t think people would understand the irony I’m trying to go for.
35.5 People need things explained to them these days, but they don’t like long captions. You can’t win.
36. Bonjour, je m’appelle Paul. Question: Ou est la bibliothèque? Merci, beaucoup. Mais, je suis dans la salle de bains maintenant. Hon hon hon.
36.5 Translation: Hi, my name is Paul. Question: where is the library? Thank you very much. But, I’m in the washroom right now. Ha ha ha.
37. Sunny days are nice, but have you ever seen the rain?
38. Is the number 3 related to the number 8, or do they just look alike?
39. “And the sign said, ‘long-haired freaky people need not apply’, so I tucked my hair up under my hat and went in to ask him why” is a lyric from a song I once mentioned in a university seminar presentation.
40. I try to force my stupidity on others by disguising it as brilliance. See #39.
41. I couldn’t imagine having a long name. By the time I finish the L in Paul, I’m spent.
42. Accidentally trying Pickle Popcorn, will always be one of the worst memories of my life.
43. I don’t think I’ve ever cut off a piece of foil paper without it ripping in multiple places. It’s an ordeal, I tell ya.
44. I just learned what “opposable thumbs” actually means and now I can’t stop looking at my hands.
45. If Kenny Omega enters the Royal Rumble, I might mark out.
45.5 If any of you know what that means, we’ll have a superkick party later.
46. I don’t like beans. I find them to be fuzzy on the inside. I’m fuzzy enough on the inside.
47. If you use the word “cantankerous” while talking to me, you’ll cement your place in my Top 50 favourite people of all-time list.
48. I currently find myself in the late-90s music section of YouTube, which reminds me I’m still waiting on the female equivalent of the Backstreet Boys – The Frontstep Girls.
49. New Year’s Resolutions are like the additional reading that professors recommend. They’re a good idea, but no one does them.
50. The bottle flip phenomenon needs to stop. I was doing that 16 years ago when no one was watching. Where’s my recognition? Where’s my appearance on Ellen?
51. This “extra” thought is in honour of the over-thinkers out there. Let’s stand together. And by that I mean, we’ll avoid each other so we don’t have to manufacture small talk.