50 Thoughts VIII

1. I am the type of person who you’d assume eats the end piece of a loaf of bread. I don’t. I treat it poorly, just like the rest of you.

2. A good chocolate chip cookie is hard to find these days.

3. Did Microsoft Word use a paperclip as our “assistant” because paperclips have a knack for keeping things together and humans are falling apart every three seconds?  

4. What do you call someone who tries to be witty, but fails? A dimwit. Get it? Their wit is dim? LAUGH!

5. Does anyone else wonder if the Bananas in Pyjamas are just dying to wear regular clothes, but can’t because of contractual obligations? I do. I worry about them.

6. They should make donuts the size of cakes. That way I can spin it on my arm and not my finger. I like donuts; I just want them to last longer.

7. It bothers me that the majority of NBA logos have a basketball in them. A basketball is a piece of equipment. It’s the only league with this epidemic. Get creative, or get out.

8. When someone prefaces what they’re about to say with, “I’m not gonna lie”, that lets you know they’re lying every other time, right?

9. There are too many emojis. Happy face; pizza slice; red balloon. That’s all you need.

9.5 The red balloon will be used for sad moments because no one likes it when a balloon floats away.

10. I’m starting to get tired of the term, “twenty-something”.

11. I like the smell of a new hockey jersey. It makes my nostrils tingle with glee.

12. Matthew McConaughey talks as if he’s sleeping upside down.

13. Places that sell eyeglasses should have posters of people squinting, hung up in their front window. That is much more relatable. Don’t sell me “fashion” or “necessity”. Sell me stubbornness. Show me how stupid I look, not how good I could look.

14. Remember that phase where we couldn’t go a day without someone telling us who their new spirit animal was? That was annoying.

14.5 My spirit animal is a bag of chips and a couch; it’s a joint effort. You?

15. Does anyone know what the word “smorgasbord” means or do we just know the context in which to use it?

16. Just about every football player leads with their head when making a tackle. I’m tired of the whole “hit ’em hard so they’re intimidated” football culture. No, moron. Just get their knee on the ground and move on to the next play.

17. Why did people stop bragging about their adult colouring books? I wanted weekly updates.

17.5 I would’ve settled for an update every fortnight.

18. If there is an article called, “Where To Put Your Arms When You Sleep”, someone let me know.

19. I’m tired of celebrities trying to hijack award shows by making an “impactful speech”. Why is something more meaningful when a rich person says it? Are the rest of us dumb?

20. Every Breath You Take by The Police is a song about an obsessive stalker, right?

20.25 “Oh but Paul, it’s a romantic song.” Spare me.

20.5 Every move you make, every leaf you rake, every sip of water you take, every pizza slice you break, I’ll be watching youuu.  

20.75 Ain’t nothin’ romantic about a broken pizza slice. NOTHIN’.

21. I like sitting on couches the opposite way than I normally do. That sentence made more sense in my head.

22. Music videos hit their peak when Rick Astley danced next to a fence on a sunny day. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

22.5 The first shot of him dancing next to a fence is at 11 seconds. This might be the best part of your day – you’re welcome.

23. I’m embarrassed at how good I am at glow in the dark mini putt.

24. Just once, I’d like to see a car commercial where there is another car on the road and they aren’t driving through the mountains or a mud pit.

25. I was tired of memes about four years ago. Imagine the torture I’ve had to endure since then. I should be compensated.

25.5 If I see one more caption that starts with “That moment when”, I’m going to lose it.

26. When you’re in a crowded elevator, have you ever noticed that the only person that talks always tilts their head back?

27. The Big Bad Wolf should really change its name to something more unassuming.

28. It baffles me how no one asked Team Iceland to provide birth certificates for their players in the second Mighty Ducks movie. Everyone on the team looked way too old for their division.

29. The first person to say “whoever smelt it, dealt it”, is normally the one who dealt it. They’re just looking for a scapegoat.

30. I realized the other day that Snow White’s last name is probably because snow is white. Did she ever wear yellow, though?

31. Am I the only one who forgot most of the information I spent hours memorizing in university?

32. If there is someone out there who thinks about sports and food more than I do, they’re either sadistic, my future wife, or sadistic.

33. Popcorn without butter is like a bed without a pillow.

34. Dogs and hula hoops hate me, but when I see a dog jump through a hoop, I catch myself smiling.

35. I really want to start a new trend called the Fridge Selfie, but I don’t think people would understand the irony I’m trying to go for.

35.5 People need things explained to them these days, but they don’t like long captions. You can’t win.

36. Bonjour, je m’appelle Paul. Question: Ou est la bibliothèque? Merci, beaucoup. Mais, je suis dans la salle de bains maintenant. Hon hon hon.

36.5 Translation: Hi, my name is Paul. Question: where is the library? Thank you very much. But, I’m in the washroom right now. Ha ha ha.

37. Sunny days are nice, but have you ever seen the rain?

38. Is the number 3 related to the number 8, or do they just look alike?

39. “And the sign said, ‘long-haired freaky people need not apply’, so I tucked my hair up under my hat and went in to ask him why” is a lyric from a song I once mentioned in a university seminar presentation.

40. I try to force my stupidity on others by disguising it as brilliance. See #39.

41. I couldn’t imagine having a long name. By the time I finish the L in Paul, I’m spent.

42. Accidentally trying Pickle Popcorn, will always be one of the worst memories of my life.

43. I don’t think I’ve ever cut off a piece of foil paper without it ripping in multiple places. It’s an ordeal, I tell ya.

44. I just learned what “opposable thumbs” actually means and now I can’t stop looking at my hands.

45. If Kenny Omega enters the Royal Rumble, I might mark out.

45.5 If any of you know what that means, we’ll have a superkick party later.

46. I don’t like beans. I find them to be fuzzy on the inside. I’m fuzzy enough on the inside.

47. If you use the word “cantankerous” while talking to me, you’ll cement your place in my Top 50 favourite people of all-time list.

48. I currently find myself in the late-90s music section of YouTube, which reminds me I’m still waiting on the female equivalent of the Backstreet Boys – The Frontstep Girls.

49. New Year’s Resolutions are like the additional reading that professors recommend. They’re a good idea, but no one does them.

50. The bottle flip phenomenon needs to stop. I was doing that 16 years ago when no one was watching. Where’s my recognition? Where’s my appearance on Ellen?

51. This “extra” thought is in honour of the over-thinkers out there. Let’s stand together. And by that I mean, we’ll avoid each other so we don’t have to manufacture small talk.

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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40 Responses to 50 Thoughts VIII

  1. Your posts always make me laugh! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Talula Teabag says:

    You crack me up 😀 😀

    I actually do eat the last slice as I hate food wastage (#1)
    Loved the .5, then it got even better with the .75
    You’re not alone in this dude…I sometimes wonder how I got those A’s (#31)
    U hit the nail on the head (#33)…but I can sleep without a pillow 🙂 I feel this way after having Caramel Popcorn..now I can’t go back.
    After reading this I’m sure you’re not a cantankerous person. Ha ha ha 🙂 Did I make the list?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Barb Knowles says:

    #13 made me laugh out loud. And #18. Now I have to scroll back up and keep reading. Hold on…..#20 YES a totally creepy song with a catchy tune. #33 ewwwww. #36 “hon, hon, hon”…my shoulders are shaking and my grandson just got mad at me for laughing loudly. #39 I love that song.#45…I only know it has to do with wrestling. # 50 is the most annoying thing high school students have done in 20 years.
    Funny, funny post. I love these.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. James says:

    Don’t worry, bananas like pyjamas. They hate onesies though. Rick Astley’s face was too young for his voice in the eighties. He seems to have grown into his voice now though. Small talk is the worst.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Quinn says:

    5. If you start worrying about the bananas, where does it stop? Do you have to start also worrying about Spongebob? What if he one day wants to be Spongebob Squaredress? What then?

    9. I have literally never in my life used the red balloon emoji. If anything there aren’t ENOUGH emojis. A quick search for ’emoji’ in my whatsapp history shows that I have yearned in vain for a deer emoji (probably pun-related), a tearing-hair-out emoji, an excited-hand-waving emoji, a raised-eyebrow emoji and a fingers-crossed emoji. And those are just the ones in my recent history. There can never be too many emojis (emoji?).

    14.5 My spirit animal is a binturong.

    25. Every time I start to get sick of memes I find some that make me laugh until I cry and I’m sucked right back in. The last time it happened was with classical art memes. I don’t know. I mean, I think maybe there’s a meme out there for everyone, you just have to find yours. FIND YOUR MEME, Paul! I believe in you!

    38. I once knew a guy who had a particular tick where if you made any kind of comment about the number 3 he would go OFF on this long and detailed lecture about how it was a magic number and everything comes back to the number 3, and triangles and pyramids and the illuminati and then he would draw an 8 on a napkin and say that 8 was also a magic number because if you split it in half, you would see that it was in fact two 3’s facing each other. The first time he did it it was funny but once you realised he was serious and he did it over and over it was just depressing. He’d been in the army and still had shrapnel in his body from an IED. I always tried to steer him away from people who would set him off on his tangent on purpose (“it’s hilarious!”) but it wasn’t always possible. Now anytime anyone mentions the number 3 I can’t help but wonder what he’s up to and if he’s still regaling people with the story of the magic number…

    Hmm. This comment ended on a bit of a downer. Cake-sized donuts… What KIND of donuts? If it’s Krispy Kreme original glazed I can totally get behind this!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      5. Fortunately I never watched Spongebob, so he can do whatever he or she wants!
      9. Haha I don’t think I really use the red balloon either but if it were 1 of 3, then I would more often. My problem is there are so many that I can’t find one quickly and then I spend forever looking for a single emoji.
      14.5 I just googled binturong….there was one on a branch and I thought it was me. I like it.
      25. I’m far passed the point of laughing hard at memes! Especially when I’ve seen the picture a million times.
      38. Lolol anything can relate back to any number if you try hard enough.

      Any kind of donuts! Krispy Kreme will do. They’re delicious, especially when they’re warm.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. peckapalooza says:

    When I was in high school, there was this old man who lived in the house behind us who threatened to kill our dogs. Multiple times. I still describe him as a cantankerous old man. I’m not saying you should put me in your top 50 of all time for that. But maybe in the top 50% of all people you’ve ever known. I’ll settle for that.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. heymeghan91 says:

    I’ll make sure to send you updates on my adult coloring book. Thanks for reminding me I had one.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Anthea says:

    You make the best lists, how do you even come up with this stuff ?? It’s so great.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Squid says:

    Fridge selfies would certainly be cool and anyone who tells you different is just trying to be cantankerous.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Laura says:

    Listening to my son do the Bottle Flip over and over and OVER makes me extraordinarily cantankerous. Could somebody please outlaw this freaking thing?!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Myka says:

    SO many good ones. A). I think I was “present” for #30. And I am honoured (see what I did there?) B). I love food. And sports. C). 18 hahaha. D). Stealing.

    Liked by 1 person

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  13. Ariel Lynn says:

    14.5. My spirit animal is a house cat. As Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory says, “They’re the epitome of indifference,” & I just DGAF. Also, I’ve been told I’m cute. I believe the only reason we haven’t murdered house cats is because they’re so cute. I’ve had the same luck, thankfully, because, like cats, I’m a jerk. 😀

    15. “Smörgåsbord” is a Swedish combination of “Smörgås” (“open-faced sandwich,” or, “butter,” if you break the word down further) & “bord” (table). The English translation is “do not attend wearing fitted pants,” or “sweatpants only.” XD

    17. Wanna see pictures of my coloring pages? They’re the perfect way to pretend you’re being creative when you’re really just scribbling over someone else’s creative output. 😀

    20. Yuuuuuuuuup. Kinda like “Santa Clause Is Coming To Town.” *shudders*

    30. In the Disney version, Snow White’s skirt is bright yellow. I blame the dwarves/little people. :-O

    38. 3 was a conjoined twin, attached at the head & the hip, but then it got surgery to separate from its other half. Unfortunately, 3 was the only twin to survive the surgery. RIP Ɛ. 😥

    47. That’s actually one of my favorite words to describe my Dad. That, & “curmudgeon.” LOL

    As always, your post had me laughing out loud. My jerk of a house cat was giving me the dirtiest look a cat can muster. Adorable lil jerk. XD

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      WOAH I think you just ruined the Santa Claus song for me! That is equally creepy.
      Haha her dress is yellow. Yellow Snow…
      Thanks for the explanation on the #3. It makes sense. RIP other twin.
      Ah, curmudgeon is another good word.


  14. gabriellemgillispie says:

    While reading this, I was taking mental notes of which numbers I wanted to reply to before realizing that I was making a list of every number. This may possibly be one of the most relatable things, for lack of a better term, that I’ve ever read. However, I’m particularly fond of the donut one. Why don’t we have donuts the size of cake?? I’ve wondered that myself so many times. People make cakes shaped like donuts, but that’s just deceiving and wrong. We all know it’s not the same thing. Good post👍🏼👍🏼

    Liked by 1 person

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