Viewing Notes: The Bachelor Ep. 2

Back by popular demand (seriously), here are my viewing notes for this week’s episode of The Bachelor. Everyone get out your hot glue guns because some hearts are going to break tonight!

I’ve already lost my mind.

• Here comes Chris Harrison, in a denim shirt, to break the news that not everyone will have a date this week.

• Those not on a date will enjoy Happy Meals from McDonald’s, so don’t feel too sorry for them.

• 12 women jump into three cars and drive themselves to meet Nick. Welcome to The Amazing Bachelorette Race.

• Nick: “Today’s the first day of dating, so that’s really exciting.” What a wordsmith.

• A photographer in a fake moustache hands out wedding dresses, bridesmaids dresses, and lettuce underwear (?) to everyone. It’s a photoshoot.

• One girl is a pregnant bride. She thought she would have guns. #Murica

• Everyone is jealous about what everyone else is, or isn’t wearing. This is torture.

• I didn’t recognize Dolphin Girl without her shark costume on. Is it too much to ask for her to wear it all the time?

• 17 minutes in to the second episode, Nick is kissing girls while other girls are standing next to him. Have some decency, sir. Don’t kiss someone in front of your 11 other girlfriends.

• There’s some irony in that last note.

• Kissing Booth – $5

• I think this photographer forgot to get dressed in the morning and turned someone’s swimsuit into a Man Romper.

• Back at the house we get an update from Liz – the girl who’s met him before at Jade & Tanner’s wedding. She makes sure to tell us again she’s met him before.

• “We have a past.” Drink!

• Nick and lettuce underwear girl are supposed to be Adam and Eve. They kissed after biting an apple.

• Nick has kissed about 17 people already in this episode. The 12 women on the date, and probably himself five times in the mirror.

• Corinne gets in the pool, takes off her clothes, and presses herself up against Nick, as the pool water covers it’s eyes and the chlorine chokes on itself.

• Can you say the word “bosoms” on TV? I thought only Shakespeare could use that word.

• Who’s going to win the photoshoot?

• “Corinne. You are the lucky winner.” – Photographer in a Man Romper

• One girl is questioning why Nick would want to be with a girl who took her top off. Barbara Walters, she is not.

• Nick is looking for one on one time with each and every one of them, one at a time, one after the other. One one one one. Say it again, Nick.

• “I have met girls like Corinne before, and they are not my friends.” – Hater

• Nick is sweating a lot. His forehead has more water than the pool he was in earlier.

• “He is Prince Charming.” Drink!

• This show is so ridiculous.

• Nick has a problem enunciating his words.

• “Are you a no regrets type person?” What kind of question is this?

• “Do you like socks on your feet or in your drawer when you scratch your nose with your left hand?”

• Back at the house, it’s revealed that Danielle M. is getting a date. The card says, “Our relationship is about to take off.” A bunch of them squeal – all of them fake smile and laugh.

• Dolphin Girl gets interrupted by Corinne just as she was telling him she doesn’t live in Sea World, but Secaucus. Big difference.

• Corinne is the villain because she wants to talk to Nick more than the rest of them.

• Corinne goes to steal Nick for a third time and he greets her the same way as the last time – “Hey you, you’re late.“

• These girls get so mad over the smallest things. They also say the word “classy” a lot and linger on the last syllable.

• RECAP SO FAR: 12 women go on a wedding photoshoot. Nick kisses people. The photographer is strange. Corinne smiles when she talks, but isn’t really happy.

• RECAP CONT’D: Liz met Nick at Jade & Tanner’s wedding.

• What if Nick’s name were something longer like Montgomery? Would they call him Monty? Mount Gum? MG Mery? Merry Go Round?

• Corinne gets the rose on the group date and the other 11 girls quit the show because clearly they aren’t his type. NOPE. They stay.

• “I put myself out there.” Drink!

• Danielle and Nick are on their date now. They’re in a helicopter. Nick is excited that she’s excited. He’s said that in every episode so far. I’m keeping track.

• They land on a boat and eat cheese while the pilot lurks in the background.

• #GiveThePilotARose #WillSettleForALawnChair

• Back to Liz for another reminder that she has met Nick at Jade & Tanner’s wedding. Stop it. Just stop it.

• Here we go. She’s finally telling someone before she explodes.

• “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but here is every single detail and the colour of the hotel room.”

• “Cawn-ver-say-shin”

• Basically if you want to be the Bachelor, all you have to do is say blank statements like, “I want to get to know you better” and ask important questions like, “Are you having fun?” Then you kiss the girl, finish your wine, and go talk to a camera where you say, “I had a great time.” And repeat.

• “I genuinely feel like he’s trying to get to know me.” I just threw up in my mouth a lot and now it’s all over the room.

• A FERRIS WHEEL RIDE JUST FOR THEM? WAS THE MERRY GO ROUND NOT AVAILABLE, MONTGOMERY?

• The third date card arrives and is written in the same handwriting as every date card since season one, yet they think Nick wrote it himself.

• Liz is on this date, so for the next twenty minutes it’s going to be her thinking that Nick is avoiding her. I’m calling it now.

• They are at the museum of Broken Relationships. Darn, too bad not everyone was on this date.

• They overhear a couple yelling at each other. They think it’s real. I can’t believe they think someone on camera is real. It’s staged, you looney goons!

• Oh now they each have to break up with Nick in front of a live audience. Good practice. Someone get the laugh track ready.

• Clemson just won the National Championship. Everyone has rushed the field to stand within two centimetres of each other because none of them are claustrophobic.

• “I FEEL LIKE NICK IS AVOIDING ME, ALMOST.” – LIZ. I TOLD YOU.

• I get way too hyped when I predict something and then it happens.

• “Today is all about the art of communicating while breaking up.” Yes, because at that point, communicating clearly is still important.

• BOLD PREDICTION: Liz is gonna say she’s “breaking up” with him by revealing their history and then no one will laugh.

• Kristina the dental hygienist is better than this show. She should self evict and spare herself the embarrassment.

• This date is awful. 0/10.

• Nick & Liz time. Make my prediction come true. Let’s go.

• IT HAPPENED. SHE DID WHAT I SAID SHE WOULD DO. SPILL THOSE DETAILS, LIZ. SPILL ‘EM IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

• This was so set up by the production team.

• “Nevermind I’ll find someone like youuuuuu.” No one actually said that, I just thought it should be included.

• NO ONE IS LAUGHING.

• I’m ready for the Toes Ceremony. I renamed it. Next week it’ll be the Nose Ceremony and so on until I run out of things that rhyme with “Rose”.

• “I just can’t read him.” Well, his armpits are working overtime right now if you bothered to look at his shirt.

• Nick is wearing a denim shirt. This confirms my suspicions that he goes shopping with Chris Harrison.

• Nick: “You know a bit about my past dating history. What about you?” Someone: “I dated a girl.”

• An hour and forty-three minutes into this, we have our first plot twist.

• Christen tells Nick that Liz has told her about their meeting at Jade & Tanner’s wedding. In 45 minutes they will switch to geography. And then it’s recess. After recess is snack time. And then gym, so you can lose the calories you gained from your whole wheat gluten free twinkie.

• That last point was for all the children who watch this show.

• Nick wants to know if Liz is there just to be on TV. GEEE NICK, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

• Barbara Nick Walters: “If you wanted to pursue a relationship with me, why didn’t I hear from you?”

• Lyin’ Liz: “Okay yeah. Maybe you asked for my phone number but I didn’t really know you.”

• Voiceover guy: So she waited half a year to ambush him on a TV show. Back to you, Barbara.

• I don’t think there will be the inaugural Toes Ceremony tonight. It’ll have to be kicked back to next week. Get it? Kicked? With feet? Toes? Toes Ceremony? Someone save me from this.

• Nick tells Liz they don’t have a future and thinks it’s best to say goodbye before she ruins his chance with everyone else.

• Liz gives him a “But my endorsement deal doesn’t kick in unless I make it to episode 4” look. You know the one.

• Nick is telling everyone else on the date what he and Liz did months ago at an amusement park. Oh, what, it wasn’t an amusement park? Right. My bad.

• It was at JADE AND TANNER’S FREAKIN’ WEDDING BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT LIZ HAS MENTIONED 8002 TIMES.

• It’s over. I’m done. This show is slowly killing me.