Viewing Notes: The Bachelor

Hi, my name is Paul, and I watch The Bachelor.

If you’re not judging me right now, you should be. Do I care? Care rhymes with hair, which sits on my head. So no, I don’t care. I just made a rhyme. What?

Good, you’re confused.

Let’s get through this train wreck together, whether you watch the show or not. Hopefully you find this entertaining, enlightening, and engenucational. I made up that last one.

Note: If I say “Drink!”, it’s because I’m playing a fake drinking game with all of you. Don’t actually drink. It’s just a fake game. Like this show.

  • The Bachelor this year is a guy named Nick. He has been on this show about 12 times already. I’m not a fan.
  • Cue the annual montage of the lead jogging around town without a shirt on. Fast forwarding.
  • The only shirtless people I ever see jogging outside are 65 or older. This is a misrepresentation of society! How dare TV spew such lies!?
  • Oh great, we have a little bro sesh with former Bachelors who have the same haircut, facial hair, and blinking frequency.
  • “Journey”. Drink!
  • The buzz words are strong tonight. “Baggage”, “journey”, “process”, “love”.
  • Little known fact: If Chris Harrison doesn’t move his arms in the same five positions every time he talks, he needs to be rebooted.
  • They’re going through a few of the “contestants” now.
  • Ehhhh there’s a girl from Montreal, Quebec. Gonna call her “Canada” because I forget her name already.
  • There is a girl named Raven. She likes sitting on railroad tracks.
  • Alexis likes to wear sumo suits and fall off slides. She’s obsessed with dolphins. She won’t win.
  • They have a nurse on the show? That never happens.
  • Liz met Nick at a wedding, but didn’t give him her number, so now she’s here to “take a risk”.
  • Hey, did you know Nick has been on this show before? I didn’t. It’s good they keep mentioning it.
  • The women have arrived.
  • Danielle L. is happy to be there. Nick can’t talk. I wouldn’t be able to, either.
  • Elizabeth is also happy to be there!
  • Rachel set up her fantasy teams before going on the show. Genius, this one! I respect that.
  • Christen feels like she’s meeting a celebrity.
  • Taylor tells Nick her friends at home absolutely can’t stand him. That’s incredible. She won’t win.
  • Kristina wants to get to know him for him.
  • Angela: “I wanted to tell you, like, seriously, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t you.”
  • Honestly, like, I think, honestly, she seriously, like, has a shot. Like, seriously. Totally.
  • Danielle L. is getting a lot of air time with her commentary. I like her. This probably means they’re setting the audience up for her to be The Bachelorette. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
  • Lauren.
  • Michelle says his last few relationships have been lemons and she hopes they can make lemonade. Hahahahaha I get it! Because you use lemons to make lemonade! Oh, that’s a real knee slapper.
  • If they say one more time that Nick has “changed” and is “likable” because of his appearance on Bachelor in Paradise, I might just eat a taco.
  • Dominique is excited. Nick is excited she’s excited because he’s excited too.
  • Ida Marie does a trust fall. He drops her. Just kidding.
  • Olivia is from Alaska so, naturally, she shows up to LA wearing a fur coat. Oh, and she gave him a nose kiss.
  • The loony music in the background when the “contestants” walk out of the limo tells you they won’t win.
  • Sarah comes running in with sneakers. I guess she missed the first six limos? Ohhhh she makes a “runner-up” pun because he, himself, was a runner-up! Hahahahaha pun overkill.
  • Someone get me a taco.
  • Jasmine G. brought a friend with her. A guy named Neil comes out of the limo with three rings, one for each of them, so she can tell him what she wants. Just put her back in the limo, Nick.
  • Hailey from Vancouver, BC! I’m gonna call her Canada 2. Anddddd she tells him she’s not wearing underwear. Oh, Canada. Why?
  • “So Dad, how’d you meet Mom?” “Oh, funny story. We met on this dating show and the first thing she told me was she wasn’t wearing underwear. That’s how I knew.”
  • Astrid speaks to him in German.
  • Here comes Liz. Will he recognize her? Will she tell him what they did when they first met? He’s looking at her like she’s the villain in Scooby-Doo.
  • He, seemingly, didn’t remember her. He has too many names in his phone and hers ain’t one.
  • Chris Harrison comes out and says, “Yo bro, you gave one of those girls a weird look. What’s the dealio?” “I think I met one of them before.” “NO WAY. SHUT UP. I can’t believe I, Chris Harrison, host and Grand Poobah of this song, dance, and camel show, didn’t know.”
  • The women are mingling inside with some fake hellos. I know this because the letter “i” in “Hi” is dragged out. “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.” See, I know things.
  • Out comes Corinne with some serious music. That means she’s going far.
  • “Journey”. Drink!
  • Here comes Canada aka Vanessa. She’s talking to him in French. He likes her. She’s going far.
  • Danielle M. brought him some homemade maple syrup and makes him lick her fingers to taste it. There’s an innuendo there, but I’m mad she’s not Canadian and brought him maple syrup. I’m gonna have to have a word with Canada and Canada 2.
  • Here comes Raven. She teaches him how to call the hawks. “Wooo Pig Sooie!” Calling the hawks…?
  • OH. It’s possible she said “Calling the hogs” and my brain had a freudian slip because her name is Raven and I was thinking of birds….
  • TACO, NOW. I deserve the punishment.
  • Jaimi just said “journey”. You know what that means! Grab two animals and head for the border! Drink!
  • After a little sleight of hand, Jaimi puts in her nose ring. Okay.
  • Briana wants to listen to his heart, not like the song sung by Roxette, but literally.
  • Susannah gives him a beard massage.
  • For some reason, I’m touching my face now. Monkey see…?
  • Josephine shows up with a huge book. HIT HIM WITH IT, JOSEPHINE. DO IT. Oh, she opened the book and there’s an uncooked hotdog. And then they ate from either end.
  • No mustard? That’s a deduction.
  • There are a lot of women in red dresses tonight. As if they already didn’t all look the same.
  • Right on cue, Brittany shows up in a red dress. Is this a stoplight party?
  • Jasmine B. shows up in a red dress. Nick says he loves it and he’s seen it before.
  • Whitney shows up in a red dress.
  • If I were Nick, I’d give a rose to everyone not in a red dress, just because.
  • Here comes another girl in a red dress, but she’s sitting on a camel. So, uh, that makes her stand out? Her name is Lacey. She makes a hump pun.
  • Ahahahahastopithahahaha.
  • This girl was jealous she didn’t think of riding in on a camel. Maybe they’ll let her go home on one?
  • Yes! Alexis shows up in a shark costume because she’s obsessed with dolphins! She “dolphinately” can’t wait to talk to him! Another pun! Someone end this madness.
  • I liked puns before tonight.
  • “I’m swimming in a sea of women.”
  • CAN’T. HANDLE. THE. PUN. OVERLOAD.
  • Nick finally enters the house and makes a speech.
  • “I can’t remember any of your names. You all wore red, so thanks for that. I might’ve already slept with one of you before. I’m excited for the journey, the process, and to be the reason you cry. Alright, let’s get out those name tags!”
  • A girl in yellow teaches him how to dance. He moves about 12 inches to the left, right, backward, and forward…”Oh my God, you’re so good!”
  • TO RECAP: All 30 girls already like him and are dying to get a rose.
  • In real life, you don’t magically enter a room full of strangers and they’re all dying to marry you within 48 seconds. Let me know if I’m wrong.
  • Canada tells Nick her friend submitted an application for her.
  • Corinne “steals” him away from Canada and they kiss.
  • They’re still kissing.
  • They just ran through six women giving commentary and I’m pretty sure they were the same person, but with a different name on the screen.
  • This show has been on TV since 1896. Every year, the “contestants” act surprised that it’s hard to get time to talk to the Bachelor/Bachelorette. What did they expect? Clones?
  • The dolphin lover in the shark costume aka the mascot, keeps making dolphin noises. At some point, it has to stop. Enjoy it while it lasts.
  • Nick finally goes up to the dolphin girl and says he loves it. Liar!
  • Liz: “I don’t want you to think that I’m here because you’re the Bachelor.” Aren’t you supposed to say the opposite of that? It’s in the handbook.
  • This girl is still going on that her friends back home think Nick is worse than eating cheese off the side of a garbage truck.
  • Canada says she hates flowers.
  • Nick gives the first impression rose to Rachel. She wore red, but she’s not crazy. That’s the difference.
  • Corinne kissed Nick, now Nick kissed Rachel. In case your interested in tracking the spit in this show.
  • Time for the Rose Ceremony! Chris asks Nick about Liz – the girl he’s met before. Mind your own business, Chris! Just watch the tape of their conversation on your own time.
  • “Thanks for being here. I’m about to send a bunch of you home. The red dresses have caused me to go colour blind. If you don’t receive a rose, the camel will take you back to a hotel. We’re thinking two at a time. Muchas gracias.”
  • Canada got a rose.
  • Danielle L. got a rose.
  • The dolphin shark mascot thing person got a rose.
  • The girl with the red dress got a rose.
  • Who will get the last rose drama ensuing here. Will it be the girl they’ve focussed the whole episode on, or someone in a red dress?
  • And boom goes the dynamite!
  • The girl who can’t stop talking about hooking up with him before this show, got the final rose. No chance she keeps that information to herself.
  • I’m sure it must suck for the ones that didn’t receive a rose on the first night, but on the bright side, they don’t have to stay secluded for two months without access to the outside world, while they “date” a guy who’s dating all of their roommates.
  • “Stay tuned for previews on the upcoming season of Spit Swappers The Bachelor.”
  • I’m going to write that out without the strikethrough because it was clever: Spit Swappers.
  • On Spit Swappers, they have a Toothbrush Ceremony. Tune in to Spit Swappers, Sunday at Seven. #Alliteration
  • In one of the previews, Corinne talks about colours and applies them to body parts. This blog is PG so that’s all you get.
  • My favourites so far are: Danielle L., Sarah, Canada, and Rachel.
  • Nick’s favourites are: everyone that has a pulse.

Well, I feel significantly less intelligent after this, but hopefully you enjoyed my commentary. And if you didn’t, read it until you do.

I’m gonna slip into my shark costume now and call myself a dolphin.

Ar Arr Arrr!

(I’m actually a seal)

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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52 Responses to Viewing Notes: The Bachelor

  1. ~M says:

    I missed it tonight, so thanks for the commentary. I don’t have to go through the agony now, of having to watch all of the introductions. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. randyjw says:

    Thank goodness for you, Paul; really. No, really!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. thatzimgirl says:

    This is brilliant lol made me laugh only second to jimmy kimmels commentary on the girls. They always make for great entertainment at the very least they

    Liked by 2 people

  4. peckapalooza says:

    When they first came out with Axe body spray, life was just like this. Except when I entered a room full of strangers, they didn’t all want to marry me within 48 seconds. That seems a bit long. I had to pry them off with a crowbar within 23 seconds.

    BTW, please do this every week. I don’t watch the Bachelor on a regular basis, but in those few times I have, these are basically my exact thoughts. Minus the tacos as punishment. Hilarious.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. peckapalooza says:

    Reblogged this on The Confusing Middle and commented:
    I don’t regularly watch the Bachelor. I don’t pick up ABC on my fancy antenna and none of my friends invite me to their Bachelor watching parties because they say they’re just for girls but the truth is that my scathing sarcastic comments while watching the show would probably crush their poor spirits. Anyway, Paul did watch the Bachelor last night and shared his thoughts with the internet. I very much approve. Seriously, you don’t even have to have seen the show to laugh at his commentary. Do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. James says:

    You’ll be please to know that I absolutely judge you for watching that show. But your post almost made me want to watch it. ‘Almost’ obviously being the key word…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Erica says:

    This makes me so happy. Welcome to the Bachelor blogging club!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. fitmumlife says:

    Hahaha this is great! Thanks Paul!! 🤗😂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ironic you have your “Bachelor” on. I recently learned ESPN/ABC is sponsoring a Bachelor Fantasy League, loosely based on the concept behind Fantasy Sports. You choose the top four you think will make it to Hometown Dates and, of course, the one who gets that elusive Final Rose. You earn weekly points by predicting what happens in each week’s episode. Prizes include a trip to LA to see an “After The Final Rose”” or just a dozen roses. (I think roses actually cost more at this point…) I don’t watch either the “Bachelor” or the “Bachelorette” but I always root for true love. Carry on!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I’ve heard about the Bachelor Fantasy League before, though I don’t know how fun or fair it would be since someone can easily look up spoilers on the internet and make the correct predictions for the entire season. Kind of ruins the point, but hey, whatever gets ABC page views on the internet!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. idontknowcookbook says:

    I would say turn the show off and eat a bunch of tacos. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  11. hahahah this cracked me up! I can’t wait to read your recap next week; I think I’ll look forward to this more than the actual show! I haven’t been a huge fan of Nick or most of the contestants so far. :-/

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Myka says:

    YASSS! I love this. And I like Vanessa (I think she’s a Canada?).

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Myka says:

    I watched the whole show (while I ate dinner & played on my phone, too). & this wasn’t even redundant. I loved it. HAHA. Do you recap every episode?!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Barb Knowles says:

    I don’t watch The Bachelor, but your commentary let me imagine each scene. Hysterical. I would gag watching that. I love the Canada and Canada 2. Don’t tell Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine that you think maple syrup is just a Canadian thing. Share people. It’s a political border, not a syrup border. Byiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

    Liked by 1 person

  15. New to your blog, highly enjoyed your commentary. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thank you and welcome!!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Just wanted to let you know that the web address displayed in your notification leads to a blank page, and the same thing happens when I click on your name on my blog. It’s listed as “dontquotelily.com” and is missing the “wordpress” part. To fix that I think you can go to Settings and then Site Address. Hope that helps!

      Like

  16. Tenacity T says:

    I’m not judging you Paul, I promise! You described it well and for the record I don’t watch it, LOL! But for a minute it was like I was because I could picture what you wrote 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Would it shock you to know that I am actually not a Bachelor/Bachelorette fan? Hahaha. Regardless, this was hysterical! If you ever get into Celebrity Apprentice or Real Housewives of New Jersey, let me know!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. boogaloo36 says:

    I really enjoyed your recap of the episode. This post made me laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

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