Hi, my name is Paul, and I watch The Bachelor.
If you’re not judging me right now, you should be. Do I care? Care rhymes with hair, which sits on my head. So no, I don’t care. I just made a rhyme. What?
Good, you’re confused.
Let’s get through this train wreck together, whether you watch the show or not. Hopefully you find this entertaining, enlightening, and engenucational. I made up that last one.
Note: If I say “Drink!”, it’s because I’m playing a fake drinking game with all of you. Don’t actually drink. It’s just a fake game.
Like this show.
- The Bachelor this year is a guy named Nick. He has been on this show about 12 times already. I’m not a fan.
- Cue the annual montage of the lead jogging around town without a shirt on. Fast forwarding.
- The only shirtless people I ever see jogging outside are 65 or older. This is a misrepresentation of society! How dare TV spew such lies!?
- Oh great, we have a little bro sesh with former Bachelors who have the same haircut, facial hair, and blinking frequency.
- “Journey”. Drink!
- The buzz words are strong tonight. “Baggage”, “journey”, “process”, “love”.
- Little known fact: If Chris Harrison doesn’t move his arms in the same five positions every time he talks, he needs to be rebooted.
- They’re going through a few of the “contestants” now.
- Ehhhh there’s a girl from Montreal, Quebec. Gonna call her “Canada” because I forget her name already.
- There is a girl named Raven. She likes sitting on railroad tracks.
- Alexis likes to wear sumo suits and fall off slides. She’s obsessed with dolphins. She won’t win.
- They have a nurse on the show? That never happens.
- Liz met Nick at a wedding, but didn’t give him her number, so now she’s here to “take a risk”.
- Hey, did you know Nick has been on this show before? I didn’t. It’s good they keep mentioning it.
- The women have arrived.
- Danielle L. is happy to be there. Nick can’t talk. I wouldn’t be able to, either.
- Elizabeth is also happy to be there!
- Rachel set up her fantasy teams before going on the show. Genius, this one! I respect that.
- Christen feels like she’s meeting a celebrity.
- Taylor tells Nick her friends at home absolutely can’t stand him. That’s incredible. She won’t win.
- Kristina wants to get to know him for him.
- Angela: “I wanted to tell you, like, seriously, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t you.”
- Honestly, like, I think, honestly, she seriously, like, has a shot. Like, seriously. Totally.
- Danielle L. is getting a lot of air time with her commentary. I like her. This probably means they’re setting the audience up for her to be The Bachelorette. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
- Michelle says his last few relationships have been lemons and she hopes they can make lemonade. Hahahahaha I get it! Because you use lemons to make lemonade! Oh, that’s a real knee slapper.
- If they say one more time that Nick has “changed” and is “likable” because of his appearance on Bachelor in Paradise, I might just eat a taco.
- Dominique is excited. Nick is excited she’s excited because he’s excited too.
- Ida Marie does a trust fall. He drops her. Just kidding.
- Olivia is from Alaska so, naturally, she shows up to LA wearing a fur coat. Oh, and she gave him a nose kiss.
- The loony music in the background when the “contestants” walk out of the limo tells you they won’t win.
- Sarah comes running in with sneakers. I guess she missed the first six limos? Ohhhh she makes a “runner-up” pun because he, himself, was a runner-up! Hahahahaha pun overkill.
- Someone get me a taco.
- Jasmine G. brought a friend with her. A guy named Neil comes out of the limo with three rings,
one for each of them,so she can tell him what she wants. Just put her back in the limo, Nick.
- Hailey from Vancouver, BC! I’m gonna call her Canada 2. Anddddd she tells him she’s not wearing underwear. Oh, Canada. Why?
- “So Dad, how’d you meet Mom?” “Oh, funny story. We met on this dating show and the first thing she told me was she wasn’t wearing underwear. That’s how I knew.”
- Astrid speaks to him in German.
- Here comes Liz. Will he recognize her? Will she tell him what they did when they first met? He’s looking at her like she’s the villain in Scooby-Doo.
- He, seemingly, didn’t remember her. He has too many names in his phone and hers ain’t one.
- Chris Harrison comes out and says, “Yo bro, you gave one of those girls a weird look. What’s the dealio?” “I think I met one of them before.” “NO WAY. SHUT UP. I can’t believe I, Chris Harrison, host and Grand Poobah of this song, dance, and camel show, didn’t know.”
- The women are mingling inside with some fake hellos. I know this because the letter “i” in “Hi” is dragged out. “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.” See, I know things.
- Out comes Corinne with some serious music. That means she’s going far.
- “Journey”. Drink!
- Here comes Canada aka Vanessa. She’s talking to him in French. He likes her. She’s going far.
- Danielle M. brought him some homemade maple syrup and makes him lick her fingers to taste it. There’s an innuendo there, but I’m mad she’s not Canadian and brought him maple syrup. I’m gonna have to have a word with Canada and Canada 2.
- Here comes Raven. She teaches him how to call the hawks. “Wooo Pig Sooie!” Calling the hawks…?
- OH. It’s possible she said “Calling the hogs” and my brain had a freudian slip because her name is Raven and I was thinking of birds….
- TACO, NOW. I deserve the punishment.
- Jaimi just said “journey”. You know what that means!
Grab two animals and head for the border!Drink!
- After a little sleight of hand, Jaimi puts in her nose ring. Okay.
- Briana wants to listen to his heart, not like the song sung by Roxette, but literally.
- Susannah gives him a beard massage.
- For some reason, I’m touching my face now. Monkey see…?
- Josephine shows up with a huge book. HIT HIM WITH IT, JOSEPHINE. DO IT. Oh, she opened the book and there’s an uncooked hotdog. And then they ate from either end.
- No mustard? That’s a deduction.
- There are a lot of women in red dresses tonight. As if they already didn’t all look the same.
- Right on cue, Brittany shows up in a red dress. Is this a stoplight party?
- Jasmine B. shows up in a red dress. Nick says he loves it
and he’s seen it before.
- Whitney shows up in a red dress.
- If I were Nick, I’d give a rose to everyone not in a red dress, just because.
- Here comes another girl in a red dress, but she’s sitting on a camel. So, uh, that makes her stand out? Her name is Lacey. She makes a hump pun.
- This girl was jealous she didn’t think of riding in on a camel. Maybe they’ll let her go home on one?
- Yes! Alexis shows up in a shark costume because she’s obsessed with dolphins! She “dolphinately” can’t wait to talk to him! Another pun! Someone end this madness.
- I liked puns before tonight.
- “I’m swimming in a sea of women.”
- CAN’T. HANDLE. THE. PUN. OVERLOAD.
- Nick finally enters the house and makes a speech.
- “I can’t remember any of your names. You all wore red, so thanks for that. I might’ve already slept with one of you before. I’m excited for the journey, the process, and to be the reason you cry. Alright, let’s get out those name tags!”
- A girl in yellow teaches him how to dance. He moves about 12 inches to the left, right, backward, and forward…”Oh my God, you’re so good!”
- TO RECAP: All 30 girls already like him and are dying to get a rose.
- In real life, you don’t magically enter a room full of strangers and they’re all dying to marry you within 48 seconds. Let me know if I’m wrong.
- Canada tells Nick her friend submitted an application for her.
- Corinne “steals” him away from Canada and they kiss.
- They’re still kissing.
- They just ran through six women giving commentary and I’m pretty sure they were the same person, but with a different name on the screen.
- This show has been on TV since 1896. Every year, the “contestants” act surprised that it’s hard to get time to talk to the Bachelor/Bachelorette. What did they expect? Clones?
- The dolphin lover in the shark costume aka the mascot, keeps making dolphin noises. At some point, it has to stop. Enjoy it while it lasts.
- Nick finally goes up to the dolphin girl and says he loves it. Liar!
- Liz: “I don’t want you to think that I’m here because you’re the Bachelor.” Aren’t you supposed to say the opposite of that? It’s in the handbook.
- This girl is still going on that her friends back home think Nick is worse than eating cheese off the side of a garbage truck.
- Canada says she hates flowers.
- Nick gives the first impression rose to Rachel. She wore red, but she’s not crazy. That’s the difference.
- Corinne kissed Nick, now Nick kissed Rachel. In case your interested in tracking the spit in this show.
- Time for the Rose Ceremony! Chris asks Nick about Liz – the girl he’s met before. Mind your own business, Chris! Just watch the tape of their conversation on your own time.
- “Thanks for being here. I’m about to send a bunch of you home. The red dresses have caused me to go colour blind. If you don’t receive a rose, the camel will take you back to a hotel. We’re thinking two at a time. Muchas gracias.”
- Canada got a rose.
- Danielle L. got a rose.
- The dolphin shark mascot thing person got a rose.
- The girl with the red dress got a rose.
- Who will get the last rose drama ensuing here. Will it be the girl they’ve focussed the whole episode on, or someone in a red dress?
- And boom goes the dynamite!
- The girl who can’t stop talking about hooking up with him before this show, got the final rose. No chance she keeps that information to herself.
- I’m sure it must suck for the ones that didn’t receive a rose on the first night, but on the bright side, they don’t have to stay secluded for two months without access to the outside world, while they “date” a guy who’s dating all of their roommates.
- “Stay tuned for previews on the upcoming season of
Spit SwappersThe Bachelor.”
- I’m going to write that out without the strikethrough because it was clever: Spit Swappers.
- On Spit Swappers, they have a Toothbrush Ceremony. Tune in to Spit Swappers, Sunday at Seven. #Alliteration
- In one of the previews, Corinne talks about colours and applies them to body parts. This blog is PG so that’s all you get.
- My favourites so far are: Danielle L., Sarah, Canada, and Rachel.
- Nick’s favourites are: everyone that has a pulse.
Well, I feel significantly less intelligent after this, but hopefully you enjoyed my commentary. And if you didn’t, read it until you do.
I’m gonna slip into my shark costume now and call myself a dolphin.
Ar Arr Arrr!
(I’m actually a seal)