Watch Where You’re Going

I held off on this post because I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s holiday cheer. I didn’t participate in Boxing Day, but I can only imagine the bulls that were unleashed in china shops and shopping malls, alike. So I’m strategically placing this post on the day after such chaos (I’m assuming there was chaos), in an attempt to appeal to you more than I already do.

There’s no other way for me to write this, so here comes the rant. Everyone take three deep breaths and a brief sniff of smelling salts – dirty socks will suffice in lieu of smelling salts.

I don’t wanna hear anyone say “Ew!” at that last suggestion!

Let’s go.

Strollers. I’m convinced they are a seasonal thing because I only ever find myself complaining about strollers around the holidays.

I’ve never pushed a stroller before, though by the looks of it, it doesn’t look that hard. You strap your kid in, grab hold of the handles, and push your way through the mall.

Can someone please tell me why I almost get run over by a stroller every time (EVERY TIME) I go Christmas shopping? Please. Give me a legitimate excuse for why these stroller rollers come so close to making contact with me.

I was at the mall a couple of weeks ago, just walking along minding my own business. All of a sudden, a stroller was coming my way. The lady pushing the stroller had a wide open lane beside me to pass by. But instead of doing that, she made a direct line to my legs.

“Take him out at the legs, Mama!” – Her kid

She went out of her way to go out of her way and drive her stroller directly at me. At the last second she realized it would be too much of a hassle to have her air bags deployed, and went around me.

I’m telling you, she was about three inches away from us appearing in front of Judge Judy to settle this like normal, civil people.

If you’re asking me why I didn’t move, well my Mom was on my left and about 15 feet of open space was to my right. So what was I supposed to do? Let this lady drive her stroller between my Mom and I like she was Moses parting the sea?

NO!

Take your 15 feet of space and go. Formula One drivers would kill for that much room down a straightaway. And this lady wanted a head on collision, instead. Her pit crew wouldn’t have been too pleased.

Another year, I was blindsided and nearly sideswiped by an out of control stroller in the food court. I don’t want to talk about. My life had never felt more precious.

I refuse to believe that people are so unaware of their surroundings. Though I once found myself at a busy subway station on a day where everyone had to get off at the same stop and proceed on shuttle busses.

In the middle of the crowd – bumper to bumper butt to butt posterior to posterior traffic – the guy in front of stopped walking and pulled out a really big map to look at. I thought I was being Punk’d.

Who pulls a map out of their pocket, these days? Shady behaviour.

Are you serious? There are hundreds of people breathing up, down, and around your neck, and you stop moving your feet? Needless to say I committed a hit and run speed walk.

This guy was worse than a slow walker – he was a no-walker.

Slow walkers will be the death of me. That, or Toronto sports teams. Or pizza. Now, I’m not talking about people with injuries, disabilities, or the elderly – most of the time, the elderly are the quickest of the bunch.

I’m talking about the able-bodied Joe Slow, who walks as if he’s trying to balance a cupcake on the top of his shoe.

Picture it. Picture it. Picture it. 

Can you picture it?

I can’t handle it. Any slower and I’d be going in reverse. I can beep like a truck if needed, but I shouldn’t have to! I’m getting frustrated just talking about it. JUST MOVE. Or walk faster. Or stay home. Yes, stay home. Please.

Don’t be a Slowpoke Rodriguez. Be his cousin – Speedy Gonzales.

You know how to figure out if someone is a slow walker, or not? They’re the ones who never complain about slow walkers. Who do slow walkers get stuck behind? No one. Exactly.

And what do you get when you combine a slow walker and a crazy stroller roller? A person at a grocery store pushing a buggy! Yes, I know it’s a shopping cart. I call it a buggy.

If anyone out there also calls it a buggy, we are now beasties.

*Besties

Though we can be beasties, too. I just don’t know what that entails.

When I was a little kid, my Mom would take me grocery shopping all the time in the summer. My job was to push the buggy and park the buggy. I always found the best parking spots in the grocery store.

These “parking spots” were out of the way, but within eyesight of my Mom so she knew I didn’t get stuck in a freezer, or kidnapped.

This was my crash course lesson in buggy pushing. I was a pro. Tight turns, narrow straightaways, children at play, stray cans of tuna – I could maneuver passed them all.

Now that I’m a big kid, who still pushes a buggy, I’m amazed at how clueless some people are in the grocery store. They never notice that they’ve parked their buggy in the middle of a lane as others are trying to get through.

A few weeks ago, I came to a rare three-way stop inside the local grocery store. After 6 seconds of myself and two others trying to figure out who was going to push their buggy first, I whipped out a stop sign and a whistle and turned into a crossing guard.

Sorta.

I told both of them to go before me. Same thing, though.

What bothers me is that the people who are in the way never actually think they are in the way. It’s always my fault for showing up to Aisle 6 while they are there. Sorry, but I need chips. What do you want me to do? Make my own? No. Those taste like toasted cardboard.

I could go on forever about people being in the way. Like the left lane of an escalator. Everyone knows that’s for passing – just like on the roads. If you’re standing still on the left side of an escalator, rest assured, there are a half dozen people behind you staring holes through your thick head.

I was going to talk about drivers on the road, but what is there to say that we don’t already know about them?

As part of a driving test, there should be a portion for stroller pushing, walking in a crowd, walking up an escalator, and grocery shopping. If you fail at one, you fail at all of them.

People of Earth, it’s not that hard.

Here is a list of reminders:

1. Don’t walk at people, walk around them.
2. Thou shalt not steer a stroller into the direction of oncoming humans.
3. If you’re not complaining about slow walkers, you are the slow walker.
4. Let Paul take chips off the shelf when you see him coming.
5. Don’t be stupid.

Until next time, keep your hands strollers to yourself.

Rant over.