A Good Old Fashioned Rant

I have something I need to get off my chest because I like to sleep on my stomach, so if I don’t do this now, I’m going to sleep like a dog draped over a yoga ball tonight and that just won’t do. I hear it’s poor for digestion.

Before I get into this, let me state that I am well aware that what I’m about to discuss could be classified as a first world problem. I don’t care. The official rules of ranting state that logical, clear thoughts may be thrown out the window.

So that being said, buckle up and stay out of my way in the comments section unless you agree with me, want to offer me a hug that lasts longer than 11 seconds, or want to send me a warm banana loaf with chocolate chips and a glass of milk.

I love technology, yet I absolutely can’t stand it sometimes. Like tonight.

When I record television shows on my PVR, I expect them to stay there until I finish watching them. At which point, I will tell the PVR, via remote, to erase it. That’s the process. That’s what I expect to happen eleventy seven times out of ten.

For my American friends, a PVR is a DVR. For my confused friends, I’m talking about a box that records television shows.

You know what I don’t expect to happen? I don’t expect to call up my list of recorded programs to see that they aren’t there anymore. That they have been deleted. Gone! Adios! See ya later! Outta here like a scared deer!

And no, smart aleck reading this, this is not a situation where the PVR automatically starts deleting shows once it runs out of space.

Yes, the default setting when recording a show is that it will be deleted if space is needed on the PVR. And yes, I’m too lazy to manually change it to “Save Until I Erase” every time I record something.

But that’s not an issue because the PVR claims to hold hundreds and hundreds of hours of programming before it is full. It is an experienced buffet goer and doesn’t tap out until Plate 10, nay, Plate 14!

I never have more than about 15 hours of programs on there. That is a hot dog at a street vendor, by comparison. This PVR can hold a lot more. It doesn’t need to erase anything to make more space.

So why is it that I can’t trust this piece of dust-collecting technology to do it’s job? It is 2016. Why have we still not perfected this? What else could these people be working on?

How are we ever supposed to rely on robots to bathe us if we can’t even get a PVR right?

This has happened twice now in the past two weeks. And don’t tell me, “maybe it’s old.” This thing is newer than the pair of underwear I’m wearing right now. Television shows that my family and I look forward to are gone in the blink of an eye.

And don’t tell me to go find them “On Demand”. I shouldn’t have to!

Besides, every time you press a button on the remote it may freeze for minutes on end. MINUTES. ON END.

I can’t even right now. I’m like a teenage girl who just spilled their cocoa strawberry haystack frappe latte grande (dipped in honey and Autumn) on themselves at Starbucks.

If I had a dime for the amount of times in a day that the television loses it’s signal, I could buy a cake mix at the store. Not a cake, but a cake mix. It’s a DIY project.

I am sick of technology getting my hopes up, only to crush my dreams. These phone companies that release their new phones every year are no better.

“Hey, look at this slick new phone with the same features as last year, except the screen is a different shape. Buy it!”

And then people buy it and two weeks later there is a notification under settings. What is that? What could it be? We just got a freakin’ letter I wonder who it’s from? Blue’s Clues. Keep up.

It’s a software update!

And then you get another one a month later. And another one. And you get so many updates that you wonder why you got a new phone in the first place. The new phone was already supposed to be perfect.

But no. If it were perfect, they would go out of business. There would be no new phone next year that is more perfect.

It’s a never-ending cycle of phone updates. I’m convinced that it is these updates that slow our phone down to a crawl, which leads us to buy a new one.

“Download this update to update the update you just updated because that update didn’t update properly.”

SHUT UP.

You know how many updates my flip phone needed? Zero!

I don’t want your new emojis. I don’t want Siri talking back to me. I don’t want the ability to add a filter to my photos. Just leave me alone!

“You are not the same person phone you were when we met.” – All of us

I just don’t get it. We boast about how technology is taking over the world, but it is so flawed.

There are some days where I don’t even want a cellphone. I catch myself scrolling through social media and feeling like an idiot. Is this life? Sliding my thumb in an upward motion?

Earlier in this rant, I mentioned robots bathing us in the future. I don’t know if that will be the case, but I hear about people creating robots for the purpose of taking over jobs that humans currently occupy and it boggles my mind.

Picture a bunch of lottery balls in a lottery machine, that is my mind.

Andddddd today’s winning numbers are: 18-15-2-15-20

For those of you playing at home, those numbers spell out R-O-B-O-T if you assign each letter in the alphabet a number.

Yes, I really just did that.

Are we this lazy? Are we this cruel? We’re going to put so many people out of paying jobs, just so an emotionless robot can do things for us?

I ain’t getting no robot a Christmas present, I’ll tell you that right now.

Maybe I’ll buy it a stick, so it can shove it straight up it’s battery pack. You thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you?

I was at McDonald’s the other day and they had one person taking orders at the counter. That’s all they had room for. Why? Because they put in a bunch of kiosks, so a bunch of greasy fingered individuals can place their own order on a touch screen.

WHAT IS THE POINT?

Is communicating with a person and telling them you want a burger with fries such a difficult task?

What are we doing here?

McDonald’s saves money because they don’t have to hire more employees. They have touch screen kiosks.

Money controls every decision, I guess. And it’s sad. It’s downright sad.

I’m not even going to mention Amazon Go and their goal of a grocery store without a checkout. Good for you, you saved ten minutes standing in line and bagging your items. Great. Now you may return to the road and drive like a maniac because you have to get home and procrastinate unloading your groceries.

I’m running out of steam here. This is therapeutic.

I just want technology to do the job it’s supposed to do. Maybe I’m asking too much. For the money we pay for these items, I don’t think I am.

And if you think I could be complaining about far more important things, you’re right. I could be. But I chose this. So deal with it. Go rant about Trump. We all can’t wait to not be swayed by your opinion.

Thank you for allowing me to vent, though you didn’t have much of a choice. Don’t try and argue with me, you can’t argue with a ranter. It’s the law.

Well, I feel great. That must mean my personal software has been updated. Or is it hardware? I have no clue. You know who would? Blue’s Clues.

Bam.

Rant over.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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34 Responses to A Good Old Fashioned Rant

  1. rebbit7 says:

    I hate the inconvenience of technology, too. In a way, it has both simplified and complicated our lives, which can be frustrating. My phone’s almost three years old, which in smartphone years is quite incredible; I think phone companies purposefully make the phones not-so-good quality in order to make us buy their phones every year or two, which is ridiculous. Any case, hooray for technology, eh?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      It’s so ridiculous. It’s no coincidence that the contracts for these smartphones are so short, too. If we get to the iPhone 20 and still have to suffer through updates every three weeks, we’ll know for certain they do this on purpose.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. peckapalooza says:

    I like how my laptop only needs to update Windows at the most inconvenient times. Also, I love that it takes roughly 2 hours and 42 minutes for it to complete those updates. Good rant. I approve.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Momma Hol says:

    That was the funniest thing i’ve read in a long time! Thanks for the laugh! Would you mind if i shared this on other social media?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jess says:

    “I can’t even right now. I’m like a teenage girl who just spilled their cocoa strawberry haystack frappe latte grande (dipped in honey and Autumn) on themselves at Starbucks.” — This will go down in history as one of the best sentences you have ever written. I applaud you. I’m sending you a pizza with pepperoni and green olives your way and a sympathy card.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Squid says:

    I’m a die-hard anti-Apple user, always Windows and Droid systems and devices. So, I have never experienced this annoying constant update thing. Have my iPhone-using friends? Yup. Do I sit there and laugh? Oh yeah. Your other comments are on pointe (don’t make me say fleek) and I was scrolling with my thumb right as you condemned it and I felt so guilty, but not guilty enough to stop reading, hahaha.
    Great rant!
    Oh, hugs and milk are coming, but I couldn’t help myself and ate your banana bread… Don’t worry, I’ll make more (lol if only I could!) but it will be late. It was also delicious.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Barb Knowles says:

    WHY DID YOU MAKE ME BELLY LAUGH OUT LOUD WITH MY SHOULDERS SHAKING WHEN TIM ISN’T HOME TO BE ANNOYED BY IT! Oh man, I had to find a tissue. “eleventy seven times out of ten” That started it all and I’m definitely stealing it.
    “I can’t even right now. I’m like a teenage girl who just spilled their cocoa strawberry haystack frappe latte grande (dipped in honey and Autumn) on themselves at Starbucks.” The whole thing deserves repeating and I’m laughing AGAIN….oh there go the shoulders.
    I won’t mention the stuff I don’t agree with, because you were very specific about that. But the software downdates (they definitely aren’t updates) have to go.
    I love, love, love this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. lifehelps says:

    So, the McD thing: I went to a fast food place with friends last summer (that’s the only time I go somewhere like that.)
    In order to get a soft drink, you had to enter the information into a computer. There were like 300+ combinations to create. Forget it; just give me my rootbeer!
    Good rant.
    Oh, here’s chocolate – your choice.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. mhmcneill says:

    I won’t lie, I laughed so hard at this. Especially the “Blue’s Clues” part. It’s funny because it’s true. Totally sharing…thanks, man.

    P.S. I make a mean loaf of banana bread. It might be kinda stale by the time you get it, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Anshumanth says:

    “For my American friends, a PVR is a DVR. For my confused friends, I’m talking about a box that records television shows”
    What about for any confused American friends?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ariel Lynn says:

    I don’t have banana bread, but I could whip you up a pumpkin pie I make with a secret ingredient so it makes its own pumpkin pie crust. Or apple bread with walnuts. I guess I could add chocolate chips to the latter (or even the former), but you’re not fond of chocolate & I think it would taste awful.

    To my non-tech-y mind, it sounds like your PVR sucks & needs to be replaced. That’s another concern I have: today we’re such a disposable society. We buy something, “Oh, it doesn’t work, better throw it out & buy a new one.” That sucks, in my opinion.

    My cat agrees with me. He doesn’t like things that don’t smell like him, which is anything new. Or anything disposable. He has an issue with tissues. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I don’t mind chocolate chips in any kinda of dessert! My PVR does suck, too bad it’s only a few months old. Might just have to bite the bullet with it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        Hmm… I’d be willing to try ’em in my recipe, but I’d definitely have to make a “back up” without the chocolate just in case. LOL

        Is it a PVR you purchased or one you rent from the cable/fiber option/satellite/whatever company?

        Like

  11. Little Rants says:

    Now you know how I feel. Updating my lipstick collection every nanosecond cause it’s not gonna let me live otherwise.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. LosiLosLoco says:

    I can’t even with you!!! XD LOL I’m DYIIIIING OVER HERE! Oh! My side! Yes, technology is a pain in the rear isn’t it? Thanks for the laughs mate. Oh, I’ve missed you letters. They always make me smile, or think. I like doing that too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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