For Pizza

What would you do for the ones you love? Would you put on warm clothes and walk twenty minutes outside in -4 degree Celsius weather with snow blowing in your face as you travel along five streets and two intersections just to see them? Would you eat them when you get there and take the rest home for later?

I would. And I did. Today.

If you need me call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far. Just call my name, I’ll be there in a hurry twenty minutes, you don’t have to worry…

Just to be abundantly clear, I am talking about pizza. Don’t get it twisted.

I woke up today around brunch time to an empty stomach, empty house, and a mind full of food, none of which was in the house. So what do you do in that situation? The only thing you can do.

You walk to the nearest pizza establishment and treat yourself before you meet yourself. Is that how the phrase goes?

Check yo self, before you wreck yo self.

Before I left the house, I planned ahead. I grabbed two tupperware containers and shoved them in a mini backpack with a bottle of water. I also packed a Ziploc bag. You know, the essentials.

Then I got dressed but realized I forgot to put pants on until I was down the street and had to go back home.

And away I went. I don’t really mind the cold, so -4 degrees was comfortable for me. I know many people who would wrap themselves from head to ankles in scarves. Personally, I don’t see the purpose of scarves.

I know for a fact that they would make me sweat. And if my clothes and coat aren’t enough to keep me warm then what’s the point of them? You can call me stubborn, but I have reasons to back up my stubbornness.

I arrived at the pizza place and there were two people ahead of me. They each ordered a couple of slices from the display window. Then it was my turn to step up to the counter.

“Hi could I get a large pizza with pepperoni and green olives, with a garlic dip.”

And with that, my periphery vision started working overtime as the guys waiting for their slices to heat up looked my way, as if they were jealous. Or maybe they thought I was crazy. Probably the latter.

Why buy two slices when you can buy ten slices and a dip for just a few dollars more? See, I can justify my stubbornness brilliance.

I waited for my pizza as other people walked in, ordered slices, and sat down to eat. A father and daughter sat down to eat their pizza and then a little boy wandered in and sat with them.

He had a sub and drink from the Subway next door. How he turned down pizza for a healthy sub is beyond me.

Finally, my pizza was ready. I sat down and opened the box and steam came out. It was like that scene in Home Alone 2 where the hotel concierge opens a cheese pizza box outside in the cold for Kevin.

Except I wasn’t opening this hot pizza outside, I’m not that stupid. That movie scene has always bothered me. It’s glorious, but idiotic.

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

So why pepperoni and green olives? Because the other day I was dreaming about olives on a pizza. I hadn’t had them in awhile.

Being the impatient eater that I am, I put the first slice right in my mouth. It burned the roof of my mouth about two seconds later. But it’s okay! It was worth it.

And remember that water bottle I packed at home? This was it’s time to shine. Time to put out the fire in my mouth.

After the flames were doused and the roof of my mouth felt like it didn’t exist, I ate the rest of slice number one. At this point, I started planning ahead again.

My goal when I’m in public is to never look like an idiot, unless I must.

I had packed two containers from home because I intended on bringing the leftover slices home in them. Smart, right? That way, I wouldn’t have to walk home looking like a loser with a pizza box in my hands.

Then I applied my beginner level science knowledge and figured that the pizza slices would be too hot to pack up in a container and by the time I got home, they would be soggy and undesirable.

There is nothing worse than undesirable pizza. Would I still eat it? Is the Pope, Catholic?

The safety and well-being of the pizza was my first priority. I decided that the box wasn’t that big, and I would sacrifice looking like a loser walking down the street with a pizza box, just to keep them from becoming soggy in a container.

PLUS, I was looking around and couldn’t figure out where I would put my empty pizza box. There was a garbage can that said recycling on it, but I would feel weird putting a box in a garbage can. And I didn’t want to bring the box back to the counter and tell them, “It’s empty.” They might think I ate 10 slices and I didn’t want to explain that I didn’t.

It would just be complicated.

But I’m getting too far ahead of myself. I still had more pizza to eat before I went anywhere!

If Paul ate 4/10 of the pizza, how much pizza is left? Show your work using pictures, words, and numbers. Round to the nearest pepperoni, if necessary.

If Paul ate 4/10 of the pizza, how much pizza is left? Show your work using pictures, words, and numbers. Round to the nearest pepperoni, if necessary.

I decided to call it quits after four slices. I could’ve had another, but decided that three slices for dinner and three slices tomorrow would be more enjoyable than being a glutton.

Always plan ahead, kids. Your stomach depends on it.

By the time I left the restaurant, the whole place had cleared out. I guess no one wanted to be associated with the guy who ordered himself a large pizza.

Remember that Ziploc bag I also packed? I pulled it out and put my garlic dip container in it. Why? Because I’m smart and PLAN AHEAD.

I started walking home, pizza box proudly in hand. And then I had to cross the street.

I’ve never been more proud than I was to cross the street, holding a pizza, while a bunch of cars had to just sit there and watch me. I’m pretty sure one of the cars revved their engine at me.

I knew what they were all thinking. “Look at this idiot carrying a pizza outside in the cold. It’ll be cold by the time he eats it.” And if they thought that, then the joke was on them. I had already had four slices!

I hope I made at least one person jealous. I’m sure at least one person who saw me with the pizza made the decision right then and there to order pizza for dinner. Hey, I’d be tempted too.

I was halfway home (we’re halfway there, ohhhhh ohhh) and I started to feel all the cheese rushing to my legs. Or maybe it was my blood. I was never great at science.

Just when I thought I couldn’t go on, Josh Groban (of all people) sang through my iPod earbuds: “You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.” You’re damn right I do, Josh! With that, I kept going.

Funny thing is, I don’t even have that song on my iPod. Must’ve been an act of God, or something.

Okay fine, I do have that song on my iPod but let’s pretend like I don’t since the story is more interesting that way.

I arrived home, pizza in hand, pizza in stomach, and smile on face. What a trio.

I looked at my iPod and the steps tracker and it told me I had walked 3986 steps and burned 202 calories. Yay exercise! My favourite pastime, after everything else.

Some of you may think I’m making a big deal out of this whole story. I don’t think that I am. I know I am.

But it’s pizza. And if you’ve been reading my blog for more than 36 seconds, then you know that I would do anything for pizza.

Wouldn’t you?

Have you ever walked somewhere for food? What do you normally get on your pizza? When was the last time you burned the roof of your mouth? What is your “I’m-carrying-a-pizza-but-am-too-full-to-keep-walking” motivational song?

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

52 Responses to For Pizza

  1. darthtimon says:

    Sir, I love this. It sums up the perfect attitude to food, and it reminds me of tales of food-related glory.

    I have to say, the little round things don’t look like olives in your picture. They look a bit like these: https://www.weetabixfoodcompany.co.uk/our-brands/weetos

    I was going to ask why you were putting chocolate cereal on pizza. Now I understand a little more.

    To answer your question, I have walked somewhere for food. Let me take you back, to the snow storm of 02…

    It was 2002. Actually, no wait, it was 2003. Actually, I can’t remember. It was either late 2002 or early 2003. It was winter. We hadn’t had a great deal of snow in my part of the UK at that point – it decided to ambush us, in one almighty torrent. I was at work when it started to fall, watching from a window as cars started to struggle up a small incline outside the building. Before long, we were allowed to leave work early, and my mum agreed to swing by and pick up a colleague and me.

    So, we’re heading home. The journey should take no more than 15 minutes by car. Instead, we’re stuck in traffic, as the snow continues to mount, for FIVE HOURS. It was horrendous. It was cold, it was dark, and there seemed to be no end to what we faced. There was however, the prospect of salvation.

    As we crawled down the road we approached a retail park that just so happened to hold a Burger King. Knowing this, I decided to march on ahead, questing for the burger. I not only got there, but I was able to retrive burgers for a few others as well, providing welcome relief from the bitter cold.

    The other story? I dropped baking hot pizza on my thigh, in Pizza Hut.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Haha do pizza olives look different in the UK?
      Wow, what a story! FIVE HOURS to get home? I would’ve gone insane. That’s where snow dogs and a sled come in handy. Nothing like a Burger King to provide hope in a dire situation though lol.
      Haha I’ve had ice cubes poured down my back at a Pizza Hut…looking back, that wasn’t so bad compared to your dropped pizza!

      Liked by 2 people

      • darthtimon says:

        It was an event that was actually repeated the following winter, albeit with only (!) a three hour journey.

        In fact, prolonged journeys are a recurring theme for me. I was once sat on a train with drunken Geordies (people from Newcastle) at London Kings Cross for an hour and a half, owing to a single failure. The trip should have taken half an hour at most. I seem to draw in delays.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Brutal! Good luck this winter!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Julia McGeown says:

    Hilarious! I love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Now I want pizza! Great story, not sure about the walk or the cold, I’d just get it delivered lol

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That looks like one tasty pizza! I wish I could still eat jalapeños!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. heymeghan91 says:

    Currently hiding in my room because I ate too much pizza.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s worth it! it’s Pizza!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. peckapalooza says:

    I went to college in Bluefield, Virginia, where we experienced winter approximately 10 months out of the year. There were many times when we would get snowed in and there was no way to safely drive anywhere. So walking to get food was completely necessary. Especially off campus. One can only endure so many consecutive dining hall meals.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Squid says:

    I haven’t WALKED somewhere for food unless the super long (4 large tile squares away) walk to the kitchen counts, but I have biked to an ice cream shop before… So that sorta counts, right?
    Pizza toppings? What are pizza toppings? Lol I’m a cheese-only type of gal, but I do enjoy freshly-cut garlic slices and sprinkles of basil on it. 🙂 Also, olives betrayed me that one time, so I kinda try to avoid them, ya know?
    OK, so, every time I get a hot beverage, I am way tok impatient and burn the tip of my tongue and/or roof (ceiling) of mouth. Therefore, I try to stay away from hot coffees, teas, and chocolates. Hence, I cannot tell you the last time I lost feeling on the ceiling of my mouth…
    Eye On It by tobyMac is a great motivational song, esp when carrying pizzas. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Lol I gave up on hot beverages when I was about 10 years old because they always burned my mouth and I never found them refreshing.
      Thank you for answering my last question! It was the most important.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Tenacity T says:

    Omg no! Too freaking cold for me my friend! But you are such a good guy! I loved this lol!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I admit it. I’m jealous. That pizza looks gooooooood!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Barb Knowles says:

    1. I drive for pizza. I don’t ever, ever, ever get toppings. Except for Pizza Hut. Then I get veggie. But only from that restaurant.
    2. What were your other questions?
    3.I HATE it when I burn the roof of my mouth. And that only happens with pizza.
    4. Now I want pizza. Cheese only. We can’t go out for it because it’s freezing here and we have to wait for the repairman to come and fix our broken furnace. Brrrrrrr……maybe.he’ll bring pizza.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Jess says:

    This is awesome and I’m so proud.
    1.) I think one time in college, I walked out into the cold to get Chinese food.
    2.) I’m a fan of bacon on my pizza.
    3.) I think the other night when I devoured my French fries.
    4.) the first song that came to mind was Roar by Katy Perry. I think it’s fitting.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I used to walk (inebriated) for food all the time in college. Since then I’ve basically just been cooking at home because it doubles as blog material. Burn the roof of my mouth 100% of the time. Partly because I never learn and also because I’m impatient!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. 1. I have walked for food – as with others it happened most often in the winter where driving was impossible or ill-conceived. For survival, not for pleasure. 2. Pepperoni or Sausage – either paired with onions. (the sausage needs to be spicy, not sweet) 3. Every time I eat pizza. 4. Thinking “Any Way You Want It” by Journey. Those are words every pizza customer wants to hear.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. MJ says:

    I grew up in a tiny town in CA, and in the summer time we used to walk downtown for food all of the time (you know, before we could drive). 9 times out of 10 we would be going to Pizza Plus. How ironic! The city I live in now has a cute Midtown area and I walk to different food places often (from my car)!
    My pizza go to is definitely pepperoni & sausage. Mmm.
    I think I burnt my mouth on Sunday night – I had a can of soup for dinner. LOL I will never learn.

    and PS. You’re a great writer!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thanks for the compliment!
      So out of curiosity I looked up Pizza Plus and ohhhh man does it look delicious! Must’ve been great walking to a pizza place that often. Pepperoni and sausage is one of my favourite combos as well!

      Like

      • Myka says:

        They make the best breadsticks that I have ever had. in. my. life. The ones with cheese are equally as delicious as the ones without. Which is something I never thought I’d be able to say. Cheese makes everything better. Lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Mmmmm I love breadsticks. Oh man, I don’t mind breadsticks without cheese but as soon as they ask me if I want cheese on them I say Yes haha.

        Like

  16. Little Rants says:

    You’re evil. *orders pizza*

    Liked by 1 person

  17. This was me. Every day at college😂 I would listen to some Britney Spears (some Toxic). And you know pizza is my favorite!! I do delivery for pizza though :0 All the good places are so far away😭 I love me some pepperoni, jalapeños, and mushrooms!

    Liked by 1 person

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