What would you do for the ones you love? Would you put on warm clothes and walk twenty minutes outside in -4 degree Celsius weather with snow blowing in your face as you travel along five streets and two intersections just to see them? Would you eat them when you get there and take the rest home for later?
I would. And I did. Today.
If you need me call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far. Just call my name, I’ll be there in
a hurry twenty minutes, you don’t have to worry…
Just to be abundantly clear, I am talking about pizza. Don’t get it twisted.
I woke up today around brunch time to an empty stomach, empty house, and a mind full of food, none of which was in the house. So what do you do in that situation? The only thing you can do.
You walk to the nearest pizza establishment and treat yourself before you meet yourself. Is that how the phrase goes?
Check yo self, before you wreck yo self.
Before I left the house, I planned ahead. I grabbed two tupperware containers and shoved them in a mini backpack with a bottle of water. I also packed a Ziploc bag. You know, the essentials.
Then I got dressed
but realized I forgot to put pants on until I was down the street and had to go back home.
And away I went. I don’t really mind the cold, so -4 degrees was comfortable for me. I know many people who would wrap themselves from head to ankles in scarves. Personally, I don’t see the purpose of scarves.
I know for a fact that they would make me sweat. And if my clothes and coat aren’t enough to keep me warm then what’s the point of them? You can call me stubborn, but I have reasons to back up my stubbornness.
I arrived at the pizza place and there were two people ahead of me. They each ordered a couple of slices from the display window. Then it was my turn to step up to the counter.
“Hi could I get a large pizza with pepperoni and green olives, with a garlic dip.”
And with that, my periphery vision started working overtime as the guys waiting for their slices to heat up looked my way, as if they were jealous. Or maybe they thought I was crazy. Probably the latter.
Why buy two slices when you can buy ten slices and a dip for just a few dollars more? See, I can justify my
I waited for my pizza as other people walked in, ordered slices, and sat down to eat. A father and daughter sat down to eat their pizza and then a little boy wandered in and sat with them.
He had a sub and drink from the Subway next door. How he turned down pizza for a healthy sub is beyond me.
Finally, my pizza was ready. I sat down and opened the box and steam came out. It was like that scene in Home Alone 2 where the hotel concierge opens a cheese pizza box outside in the cold for Kevin.
Except I wasn’t opening this hot pizza outside, I’m not that stupid. That movie scene has always bothered me. It’s glorious, but idiotic.
So why pepperoni and green olives? Because the other day I was dreaming about olives on a pizza. I hadn’t had them in awhile.
Being the impatient eater that I am, I put the first slice right in my mouth. It burned the roof of my mouth about two seconds later. But it’s okay! It was worth it.
And remember that water bottle I packed at home? This was it’s time to shine. Time to put out the fire in my mouth.
After the flames were doused and the roof of my mouth felt like it didn’t exist, I ate the rest of slice number one. At this point, I started planning ahead again.
My goal when I’m in public is to never look like an idiot, unless I must.
I had packed two containers from home because I intended on bringing the leftover slices home in them. Smart, right? That way, I wouldn’t have to walk home looking like a loser with a pizza box in my hands.
Then I applied my beginner level science knowledge and figured that the pizza slices would be too hot to pack up in a container and by the time I got home, they would be soggy and undesirable.
There is nothing worse than undesirable pizza. Would I still eat it? Is the Pope, Catholic?
The safety and well-being of the pizza was my first priority. I decided that the box wasn’t that big, and I would sacrifice looking like a loser walking down the street with a pizza box, just to keep them from becoming soggy in a container.
PLUS, I was looking around and couldn’t figure out where I would put my empty pizza box. There was a garbage can that said recycling on it, but I would feel weird putting a box in a garbage can. And I didn’t want to bring the box back to the counter and tell them, “It’s empty.” They might think I ate 10 slices and I didn’t want to explain that I didn’t.
It would just be complicated.
But I’m getting too far ahead of myself. I still had more pizza to eat before I went anywhere!
I decided to call it quits after four slices. I could’ve had another, but decided that three slices for dinner and three slices tomorrow would be more enjoyable than being a glutton.
Always plan ahead, kids. Your stomach depends on it.
By the time I left the restaurant, the whole place had cleared out. I guess no one wanted to be associated with the guy who ordered himself a large pizza.
Remember that Ziploc bag I also packed? I pulled it out and put my garlic dip container in it. Why? Because I’m smart and PLAN AHEAD.
I started walking home, pizza box proudly in hand. And then I had to cross the street.
I’ve never been more proud than I was to cross the street, holding a pizza, while a bunch of cars had to just sit there and watch me. I’m pretty sure one of the cars revved their engine at me.
I knew what they were all thinking. “Look at this idiot carrying a pizza outside in the cold. It’ll be cold by the time he eats it.” And if they thought that, then the joke was on them. I had already had four slices!
I hope I made at least one person jealous. I’m sure at least one person who saw me with the pizza made the decision right then and there to order pizza for dinner. Hey, I’d be tempted too.
I was halfway home (we’re halfway there, ohhhhh ohhh) and I started to feel all the cheese rushing to my legs. Or maybe it was my blood. I was never great at science.
Just when I thought I couldn’t go on, Josh Groban (of all people) sang through my iPod earbuds: “You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.” You’re damn right I do, Josh! With that, I kept going.
Funny thing is, I don’t even have that song on my iPod. Must’ve been an act of God, or something.
Okay fine, I do have that song on my iPod but let’s pretend like I don’t since the story is more interesting that way.
I arrived home, pizza in hand, pizza in stomach, and smile on face. What a trio.
I looked at my iPod and the steps tracker and it told me I had walked 3986 steps and burned 202 calories. Yay exercise! My favourite pastime, after everything else.
Some of you may think I’m making a big deal out of this whole story. I don’t think that I am. I know I am.
But it’s pizza. And if you’ve been reading my blog for more than 36 seconds, then you know that I would do anything for pizza.
Have you ever walked somewhere for food? What do you normally get on your pizza? When was the last time you burned the roof of your mouth? What is your “I’m-carrying-a-pizza-but-am-too-full-to-keep-walking” motivational song?