A Letter To Aaron

Dear Aaron,

I was watching paint dry the other day when I was faced with a conundrum about nothing important. I wondered, is a water bottle still considered a water bottle if there is no water in it? Or is it just an empty bottle? And if it is just an empty bottle, why do people still call it a water bottle?

But I digest. Yes, digest.

Anyway, hippity hoppity hoo, how are you? How do you feel today?

Those two questions have always made me think. How do I feel today? With my hands. And you know what, I’ll probably feel with my hands tomorrow as well.

Why don’t people ask: Are you good, great, or sad your favourite restaurant isn’t open late? That’s really the only answers we need to give to people for them to know how we are.

I say we start a movement, Aaron. We start a movement from the comfort of our own homes. One that changes the way in which we ask questions. Are you with me?

You better have said “No” to that question! We aren’t physically in the same place.

I’m rambling. Less about me, more about four way traffic stops.

Have you ever arrived to a four way stop and everyone sitting there thinks they have the right of way? It’s annoying, isn’t it? These baboons don’t know the rules of the road. They were probably propped up as children baby baboons, told they were “Number 1” and carried that with them to stupidhood adulthood baboonhood.

Maybe it would be easier if we all just travelled on horseback. Let the horses deal with the rules of the road and let us sit back and enjoy the polluted scenery. It would be like sitting in an automatic car. We would have nothing to stress about, except when they reverse park, change lanes, or cut someone off in a parking lot.

But I digest, again.

You told me that you recently heard that velociraptors weren’t actually the human-sized monsters portrayed in Jurassic Park, but were actually the size of chubby chickens. You wanted to know my thoughts. I, too, would like to know my thoughts.

First off, I’ve never seen Jurassic Park. I believe that parks should be for children and youth athletics, not dinosaurs. So I’ve taken a silent protest on the matter and have refused to watch the movie. You determine if I’m joking or not.

DOES IT SOUND LIKE I’M JOKING?

Second, I’d like to know how they got their name – velociraptor. Is it a combination of velocity and raptor? Or is it a combination of velcro and raptor. I’m thinking the latter and that they had some unfortunate spelling issues.

I think they would be easier to control if they were the size of chubby chickens. Presumably they would be a bit slower and less aware of their surroundings, so that’s a weakness humans could take advantage of.

If a chubby chicken velociraptor (ChubChickVeal) was charging at me, I would just have to climb a step ladder and they probably wouldn’t be able to reach me because as we all know, cows can’t walk down stairs, which means dinosaurs can’t walk up stairs.

It’s just how the world has decided to even itself out. Like a yin and yang. Debits and credits. Diet Coke and dieting. You get what I’m trying to say.

And if you don’t have a step ladder handy, hop on an office chair, raise it to the maximum height, and wheel yourself away from the ChubChickFilAVeal. Or you can soar towards it and kick it as you pass by. That should do the trick.

But as we both know, velociraptors are long gone, for now. So we don’t have to worry about this any time soon. Perhaps when they make their return to earth, they will spell their name correctly – Velcroraptor. Now that would terrify me.

You also asked me if I’ve ever read a book that has fundamentally changed my life. My short answer is, no. My long answer is, not really.

I did read a short book called, If You Don’t Know Where You Are Going, You Will Probably End Up Somewhere Else. Yes, it was a short book, despite it’s title. It was also small in stature.

It was a book about life and planning out the different stages humans go through. I probably read it about eight years after I should have, but what could I do about that?

If you can find it, I recommend it. If you can’t find it, bookstores have a bunch of other books that can occupy your time and make you feel nearsighted.

Well, that’s my time. (I’m not a stand up comedian. I’m sitting).

It’s been a pleasure interacting with you, both on your blog and mine. I enjoy blogs that are original and your series of posts called “A Dater’s Guide To Disney Princesses” is definitely original!

On your “About the Blogger” page you list 100 facts about yourself. For the most part, I tend to agree with you on #40, though I do like some things from that food group.

I left that last sentence vague so people have to see for themselves what I was referring to.

Well, that’s my time. Again.

Be well, take care, see ya soon, goodnight, good luck, sayonara, adios, bundle up, don’t grow too much, did you go to the washroom, and watch the ice on the driveway.

Sorry, I was just practising for impending Christmas parties and what people say when they’re guests leave.

With velcro and veloci,

Paul

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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17 Responses to A Letter To Aaron

  1. The ramblings of a rambler. I kinda love it. Or do I? What do you think ?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. peckapalooza says:

    This is fantastic. I’ll definitely be writing back. Oh, and I’ve got to go look at #40 on the list, too. ‘Cause I sure can’t remember what I said…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. peckapalooza says:

    Reblogged this on The Confusing Middle and commented:
    Paul, of The Captain’s Speech, was kind enough to write me a letter. Go check it out. That’s not a request!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hira says:

    ha ha ha , You are insane !

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ariel Lynn says:

    Is it wrong that, when you mentioned that Aaron mentioned that some (hopefully smart) people think velociraptors were actually small chicken-like animals, I wondered what they would taste like? Would they be more chicken-like, or more fish-like, or some weird shrimp-like combination of the two?

    If that’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right. Excuse me, I have to go look up velocirecipes. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  6. lol how much coffee did you drink prior to writing this post, Paul?!

    Humor & Lifestyle // http://www.rebekahkoontzsite.com

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: A Letter to Paul – The Confusing Middle

  8. Pingback: A Letter to Paul (The Confusing Middle Reblog) | The Captain's Speech

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