A Letter To Liz

Dear Liz,

.there out lonely probably It’s .letter this for waiting mailbox the by sitting been haven’t you hope I

Well, that was weird! Sorry about that. I didn’t have my head on straight, so the first two sentences were written backwards. It happens to the best of us. That’s what I tell myself, at least.

Full disclosure – and I think I’ve told you this before – I don’t follow many blogs that tout themselves as a beautystylerecipe blog. I just went ahead and combined all three words into one. ‘Twas easier that way. 

But for some reason I really enjoy yours. Maybe it’s the friendship we’ve formed in the comment’s section, or the delicious looking food you photograph, or my need to know the latest trends so my makeup is on fleet and outfit of the day has me dressed to the elevens.

Did I say that right? I’ve never felt so with it, and out of touch, at the same time.

Seriously though, let’s ignore the last part of that last sentence. It’s definitely the friendship and food. 

Sometimes I wonder if you have someone else taking pictures while you hold food in place,  or vice versa, especially while you’re pouring salad dressing. Do spill your secrets, pun intended. Puns are always intended.

Salad dressing, mid pour, is quite seductive. Makes me feel healthy just looking at it. 

You recently told me that you recently started self-hosting your blog recently and lost all of your followers recently in the process, recently.

After using the word “recently” twice in the first seven words of that last sentence, I was faced with a dilemma. Do I go back and change one of the words? Do I delete one of them altogether? Or do I keep adding the word “recently” to the sentence. 

I thought about it for all of 1.6 seconds before making my decision. 

ANYWAYS…I JUST WISH THERE WAS A WAY FOR ME TO DIRECT MY LOYAL, GREAT, WELL-MANNERED, AND SOMETIMES CREEPY FOLLOWERS YOUR WAY.

Since you don’t have a Follow button, hopefully they know to copy your blog URL and paste it in the empty space after clicking on Manage Followed Sites on their Reader.

One can’t help but have the Inspector Gadget theme song stuck in their head upon visiting  your site. It’s quite genius what you have named your blog.

How’s that for a coat hanger? Terrible. As for a cliff-hanger, I thought it was quite good. 

You have told me to tell you about what your first trip to Canada would be like. I’m going to take this opportunity to walk you through what you can expect, and situations you may find yourself in. Forget landmarks and museums and that stuff, just go outside and it’s there. 

I’m going to provide you with some Canadian know-how and how-to. 

You can call me your tour guide. 

When you land in Canada, you’ll collect your bags and then someone will come up to you and ask, “What’s the password?” Get the password right and you may stay in Canada. Get it wrong, and you’re back on a plane headed home. 

It’s no different than entering a password on your computer or phone. You have to “unlock access to Canada”, so to speak.

The password to enter Canada is: Okopikawatreen. It’s pronounced exactly how it’s spelt. If they ask you what it means, tell them it’s a special brand of Canadian ketchup and you’ll be good to go. 

Upon leaving the airport, you’ll be saddled with the task of flagging down a taxi. In Canada, we don’t have those. We have snow dogs with sleds. In some provinces, there are double decker snow dog sleds. They are efficient, environmentally friendly, and will lick your face. It’s a full service, really. 

If you’re feeling hungry, the dogs will follow their nose and take you to the finest food establishment in the area. The dogs can be a bit biased, so you may end up at ones with Dog Thru’s. Just the way it is. 

If you end up at a sit-down restaurant, you may find the experience absolutely foreign. And not just because they will speak to you in French. 

The waiter will give you a menu, walk away while everyone looks it over, and then reappear out of nowhere and try to gage if everyone is ready to order. At which point, everyone at the table looks at everyone else and says, “uhhhh” just to stall for a bit longer.

Then the waiter leaves again!

Foreign, I tell you. Foreign!

And when it’s time for dessert, if there is a chocolate fountain in the restaurant, they invite you to change into a bathing suit and go for a “dip”. It’s as if Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory were the pool at your local community swim and the hours for “leisure swim” are lunch and dinner.

Bring a swim cap and goggles. Trust me. Flippers with snorkel are provided.

Should you decide to peruse (that’s a very tour guide-isty word – “peruse”) the local shopping malls, prepare to be trampled. It doesn’t mean you will be trampled, I’m just saying you should be prepared.

Bring a parachute. Trust me. Flippers with snorkel are provided there, too.

Back at the hotel, you will encounter a mattress like you’ve never seen before. It’s not a rectangular mattress. It’s a maple leaf. Why? Because we’re cheeky and believe in osmosis.

By sleeping on a maple leaf, it will surely give you positive feelings towards Canada and Canadians. Ever wonder why the rest of the world never says a bad thing about us? This is why. Maple Leaf Mattresses.

Don’t get that confused with Maple Leaf hot dogs, we have those too. Seriously. Seriously, seriously. Google it.

In every washroom, we have three settings for water temperature. Hot, Cold, and Canadian.

If you choose the Canadian option, a thick substance will come out of the tap. Don’t be alarmed, it’s just syrup. And while it streams out onto your hands (good moisturizer) or pancakes heaven-like music will also play. The tap doubles as a speaker.

What does heaven-like music sound like? Celine Dion. Mrs. O Canada, herself.

Well, I’m afraid if I go any further I will give away too many Canadian secrets.

Alright, just one more. Our bills – as in, money, and not people named Bill – are all different colours. They did this because people are always talking about an ideal world with rainbows and unicorns. Money is our rainbow.

What’s our unicorn? You’ll have to come here and find out.

Wow, what a great coat hanger that was! Wrong! We’ve been through this. Cliff-hanger. It was a great cliff-hanger!

Well, Liz, I hope you know more about Canada now than you did 7 minutes ago.

Thank you for always being a kind, positive, and welcoming friend here on WordPress. I hope this letter has put a smile on your face, a chill down your pinky, and a warm blanket in your heart.

I’ll end this before I get creepier.

With hot dogs and snow dogs,


Paul the Tour Guide 

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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7 Responses to A Letter To Liz

  1. I am not Liz but I tend to enjoy the letter. Now I get to know Canada. Thanks a lot.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am having a lot of thoughts on this letter right now. The first that come to mind (reading forward, of course) are:
    1. This is so cool!
    2. This is backwards!
    3. Again, super duper cool and I feel famous but not quite as famous as Paul!

    And the list goes on. I won’t bore you with a numbered list anymore. I can’t wait to take my fictional trip to Canada and make it a reality. If syrup comes out of your faucets then I was clearly born in the wrong Country. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to get my passport in order faster than I do at this moment. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously!

    Big thanks for pointing out that I don’t have a follow button, too. I didn’t know because I’ve never tried to “follow” myself. Guess that’s my bad. I tried to figure it out but I failed so y’all willI have to go through the laborious task of following via email. Yes, I know. I’m a monster.

    BUT I am so tickled that you’ve continued to hunt me down on the world wide web and comment on all things food and beauty. Yours are always my favorite comments and when they arrive I always drop everything to respond. Not babies, I wouldn’t dare drop a baby…promise.

    If I had cool letter writing abilities I would write you a letter, but instead I think I’ll do a post that is foodiful (that’s food and beautiful smushed together) and dedicate it to you and Canada.

    Liz

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Speaking of tickling, I’m tickled that my comments are your favourite, but this comment you just left might top anything I’ll ever leave on your blog. Thank you!
      I hope I didn’t get your hopes too high with syrup coming from a faucet! It’s hit or miss, if I’m being honest.

      As for the follow button, you can add one by going to your WP Admin page, clicking on Appearance -> Widgets and then drag the Follow Button into one of the boxes on the right of the screen. (Unless everything is different since you’re self hosting).

      I’m glad you enjoyed the letter, thanks again for this great comment, and I look forward to more drool inducing food posts from you!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. peckapalooza says:

    Holy crap, I’m next.

    Liked by 4 people

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