I Took Notes During The Third Presidential Debate

I’m going to be honest with you, this is the best presidential debate recap you’re going to read on the internet. I don’t mean to brag nor do I mean to boast, but I like hot butter on my breakfast toast. Sorry, Sugarhill Gang reference.

Anyway, I posted my notes on the second presidential debate (which you can read HERE), and it turned out that a lot of you really enjoyed it and hoped I would do it again.

Well, ask and you shall receive! I did it again.

I don’t want any political debates in the comments section. Vote for whoever you want. I’m Canadian. I don’t have a vote. I have witty comments. These are the notes I wrote down during the third presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Let’s hold hands. We’ll get through this together.

• Live from Las Vegas? Why aren’t they in a casino? I specifically asked for this to be held at a blackjack table.

• Wolf Blitzer (a.k.a Wolfy Blitz): “This is probably the final opportunity that Donald Trump has to make a comeback.” Uh no. He has Twitter at 3AM.

• Wolfy Blitz and Jake Tapper (a.k.a Jakey Tapps) say the tone of the debate depends on whether they shake hands or not. Really? Why don’t we talk about the germs that could be spread if they squeeze each other’s hands?

• We’re starting. EVERYONE SHUT UP, WE’RE STARTING.

• Oh good, we get six, fifteen-minute segments. Get your stopwatches ready!

• Every moderator in the history of time feels the need for a lengthy introduction with rules. As if we care. Ring the bell. Start the match!

• THEY DIDN’T SHAKE HANDS. No germs were spread tonight.

• Hillary is dressed in all white. Is she trying to portray herself as an angel?

• “Her dress is more of a cream colour.” – Team Hillary, probably.

• Are Donald’s eyes already closed or is he just looking down?

• The moderator is tripping over his words just like I tripped over a hula hoop on my first day of kindergarten!

• Hillary, game show host: “What kind of country are we going to be?”A) None of the below  B) Small businesses  C) Canada   D) McDonald’s & Walmart

• Trump just opened his eyes really wide. I think he just realized he’s running for President.

• Hillary is talking but Donald Duck Duck Goose is fixing his microphone and I can’t stop staring at him.

• Hillary is talking into the camera. Too much eye contact. Too much eye contact. Abort. ABORT!

• Donald: “The Supreme Court. It’s what it’s all about.” No! It’s, “shake it all about”. C’mon Donald, everyone knows the hokey pokey!

• Oh dear, he is talking straight into the camera too. You guys aren’t relating to me, you’re freaking me out. Stop!

• He’s monotone so far. I’m setting the over/under at 4 minutes before he Trumps up.

• Donald sounds like a boring politician. No, Donald. No!

• Hillary: “I respect the tradition of gun ownership.” People are getting shot, Hillary. Death isn’t a tradition.

• Donald is being very respectful. Not interrupting at all. Maybe he has changed.

• “Bi-partisan”. Drink!

• I’m pretty sure if you write down every word Donald says and submit it to an English teacher, they’d go through about four red pens correcting the errors.

• Here’s a wild idea: If no one owned a gun, no one would be shot by a gun. Right? Who’s with me!?

• Donald Trump is pro life and don’t you forget it.

• Oh, oh! I have a question for the candidates! Are either of you living a con life?

• Hillary will defend planned parenthood. She said that Donald has said that woman should be punished for having an abortion.

• Donald just took a sip from his glass of water. That’s one sip, if you’re keeping score. I know I am.

• Am I crazy to think that Trump would gain a bunch of supporters if he drank his water through a crazy straw?

• Hillary has no plan for securing the southern border. May I suggest a huge sliding door? You can even have a screen. Get it? A…screen? Laugh!

• Trump’s temperament (drink!) is heating up. As are his words per second.

• “We need the wall.” – You know who

• “I need a cannoli every twelve hours.” – Me

• Donald: “We have some bad ombres here and we’re gonna get ’em out.” Hey! Let women colour their hair however they want! It’s nice.

• Horror Film Hillary: “I don’t want to rip families apart.”

• Donald Sip Tracker – 2

• Hillary is getting feisty now.

• Donald said he had a very nice meeting with the President of Mexico. They went for a mani and pedi.

• Donald just said Hillary wanted the wall “in 2006 or thereabouts.” Well then! Boom Trump’d!

• Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Don O’Clock! Donald just said, “bigly”. Drink!

• Oh my goodness, it’s Don O’Clock once again! He just said “bigly” a second time. I can’t believe it. Drink!

• “Bi-partisan”. Drink!

• It’s a good thing I don’t drink.

• Trump is shaking his head at Hillary! This is like a tweet coming to life. SMH. I hate that abbreviation.

• Hillary is implying that Trump is in cahoots with Putin. Cahoots!

• “Well, it just so happens we have a special guest via video chat. President Putin, are you there?”

• The crowd laughed at something and the moderator almost threw a lampshade across the room. Not really, but he was mad about it.

• Donald: “You’re the puppet.” Well, now we know.

• Donald Trump Sip Tracker – 3

• Is Hillary really whining that Putin is supporting Trump? Sounds like she’s jealous.

• HILLARY IS YELLING.

• LOUD NOISES.

• Donald: “I never met Putin. This isn’t my best friend.”

• *He isn’t my best friend.

• Follow up question for you, Donald. Who is your best friend?

• “Wrong.” Drink!

• I wonder what Donald Trump looks like with facial hair.

• Donald’s Sippy Cup Count – 4

• Hillary, starting an essay the night before it’s due: “When the middle class thrives, America thrives.”

• “Minimum wage” and “small businesses” are two terms that have been mentioned in every debate since the 60s, haven’t they?

• Hillary, speaking in riddles: “Trickle down economics on steroids.” In English, Hillary. Anglais!

• Donald: “We’re gonna do a lot of things with college tuition.” Thank goodness! What do you mean?

• Donald: “I’m a big fan of NATO.” I’m a big fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. So what?

• Donald, the mechanic: “We are going to start the engine rolling again.” Wheels, Donald. Wheels.

• Hillary won’t raise taxes on anyone making $250,000 or less. Is this one of those lies?

• Donald has adjusted his microphone at least four times.

• Hillary talks with her hands a lot. She must be Italian.

• Donald’s Super Sippy Cup Count – 5

• I still can’t get over the fact that Hillary went to his wedding. Deep down they both love each other, right? RIGHT!? TELL ME THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.

• The Official Donald Trump Super Supreme Sippy Cup Count, sponsored by Mexico – 6

• Donald says Hillary has more experience than him but it’s bad experience. Okay.

• Six billion dollars was stolen? Ruh roh! Get Scooby Doo on the case!

• Ohhh Hillary, don’t you dare try to hold hosting The Celebrity Apprentice against Trump!

• “She gave us ISIS.” – You know who

• And he just said it again, in case you didn’t hear him the first time.

• The next segment is “Fitness to be President”. Well knock me over and call an ambulance! No one told me this would be a segment!

• Bring out the treadmill! Where’s the pull-up bar? Guys? Where’s the stuff?

• I’ll settle for tandem squats…

• Anything?

• Donald: “I didn’t apologize to my wife because I didn’t do anything.” Trump would be a terrible Canadian.

• Dr. Hillary: “Donald thinks belittling women makes him bigger.”

• Hillary, with amnesia: “America is great because America is good”. You said that during the last debate!

• When the moderator is talking, these two have a look on their face that we’ve all had before. It’s the, “I can’t seem to find where the toilet paper roll starts” face.

• ALL THREE PEOPLE ON STAGE ARE TALKING AT THE SAME TIME.

• The people in Little Haiti hate the Clintons, according to Trump.

• If this debate were ten minutes long, it would be perfect. But still too long.

• Donald, on if he will accept the election results: “I will tell you at the time. I will keep you in suspense.” Genius.

• Donald says Hillary shouldn’t be allowed to run. Okay, let’s dust off Bernie Sanders and bring him in!

• Donald tweeted that the Emmys were rigged? I love this little tidbit more than I should.

• Hillary is appalled. APPALLED. Uh oh, spaghettio.

• I am A-Pauled. I am also a Paulitician.

• D. Trump hasn’t had a drink of water in a while. Drink your fluids!

• He just adjusted his microphone again. Nervous habit?

• Hillary wants all of us to Google, “Donald Trump Iraq”.

• One of the most annoying things in the world is being told to Google something, when the person could just tell you themselves.

• Third reference to The Celebrity Apprentice! Stop it, Hillary! It was a great show.

• That’s it, they need a talking stick for these debates. If you’re not holding the talking stick, you can’t talk.

• Trump would be a good history teacher. He summarizes events like no one else. Literally, like no one else.

• Donald: “Thanks a lot for doing a great job!” Aww he does care about her!

• Hug it out! Hug it out! Hug it out! USA! USA! USA!

• These two have mastered their head tilts, nods, and turns. In debate-speak, that’s referred to as TNT.

• Donald is squinting at the camera like I used to squint at an eye chart.

• Everyone squint back at your television! We’re in a staring contest with Trump!

• Trump: “Our country is so outplayed.” Throw in an “outwit” and “outlast” and you have the Surivor tagline!

• Donald: “No one can believe how stupid our leadership is.” Well………

• Donald, again: “…people that are very much smarter than they are.” I need a new box of red pens.

• “Responsible federal budget” sounds like an oxymoron. Or maybe just a moron.

• “Obamacare has to go!” Andddd this just turned into an infomercial! Call now!

• “Such a nasty woman.” Donald! You can’t say that! Have you learned nothing? Go stand in the corner.

• Moderator: “We’re gonna put a clock up. Tell the American people why you should be President. Smile a bunch. Mention the economy, the middle class, small businesses, and close with your wrestling catchphrase. Hillary, you first.”

• “Yo yo my name is Hillary and you should vote for me. Yada yada yada. And that’s the bottom line ‘cuz Stone Cold Clinton said so!”

• “Your turn, Donald.”

• “Believe it or not, I’m walkin’ on air. Check me out, this is my real hair. Yada yada build-a-wall-bigger-than-Montreal yada. If you smellllllll what The Trump is cookin’.”

• The debates are over! We made it!

• Election Day is 20 days away. Can we re-schedule it to tomorrow?

• THEY DIDN’T SHAKE HANDS AFTERWARDS.

• Wolfy Blitz and Jakey Tapps are shocked that Trump might not accept the election results. Why are they shocked? This is a brilliant cliffhanger. Watch your TV shows, boys.

• When Hillary greets people in the audience, she looks like it’s the first time she’s seen them in 10 years. Very high school reunion-ish. Good on her.

• Looks like the debate has Trumped up and trickled down to this CNN panel, which has 37 people on it.

• I can’t take this anymore. I love Canada.