A Letter To Beca

Dear Beca,

Please don’t hurt me. I’m just a friendly Canadian who drinks maple syrup from the bottle with a straw (because I’m classy) and walks by Nutella jars in grocery stores without buying one. I come in peace. I don’t want to leave in pieces.

Ever since I announced that I would be writing letters to people, you have been the most – how should I put this – vocal, about it. 

Let me remind you of some of the things you’ve said to me, shall I? Don’t worry, I won’t provide context! It’s more fun without context.

First off, you told me you love me as much as you love hugging porcupines. Despite the fact that I take that as a compliment, I know you meant it as an insult. 

That hurts. Some would say it hurts like a hug from a porcupine.

You mentioned at one point you would have to fly to Canada just to punch me in the face. 

That’s just barbaric. At least stomp on my feet first and then catch me with an upper cut. 

You said you were worried for my soul and suggested I might be an alien, or a serial killer. You know, one of the two.

I am a cereal killer, though. I use milk to drown them in…

This is getting too dark.

Lastly, there was that time where you told me you’d bring me back from the dead just so you could…nevermind. I won’t mention that one in its entirety. Too dark, again.

Again, I refuse to provide context because it would ruin the point I’m trying to make. 

Beca, why are you so mean to me?

Is this why you’re a cycler? You plan on attacking me some day and want to get away from the crime scene in hurry?

Well, I’ll have you know, they don’t call me “Quick Feet Pete” for nothing! Actually, no one calls me that. My name isn’t Pete. 

My nickname is actually “Paul The Pedaller”. PTP for short. 

In all seriousness, I don’t take your threats seriously. Should I? Let me know if I should so I can order pizza and Chinese food to keep me company as I hide out in my igloo.

Darn it! Now you know where I’m hiding.

I know your threats aren’t serious. We’re friends. Friends joke around. Right? RIGHT, BECA? FRIENDS JOKE AROUND?

Reassure me at any point. 

Let’s move on. 

It brings me great joy whenever you find out something about me that just shocks you to the core. Like that time you screamed at your computer screen and had to explain yourself to your parents in the other room. 

Let me just get everything out of the way in one fell swoop.

I’ve never had chocolate milk, Nutella, tacos, burritos, two wraps, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or alcohol. But my favourite pasta is rigatoni alla vodka. Does that count for anything?

Oh, while I’m at it, I should mention I haven’t been on a bike in over half my life. RIP PTP.

I’ll give you a minute to recover because, surely, you’ve fallen on the floor by now. 

I’ve never tried a food for the first time and said to myself, “This is better than I expected it would be.” I’m pretty good at looking at food and knowing if I’ll like it or not. And you may say, “Paul, aren’t you curious?” No. I’m not. 

I also can’t swim, even though I took lessons when I was a kid. Though if you dropped me in the shallow end of a pool and told me to swim and gave me incentive, I’d probably end up doing it, somehow. I watched the Olympics this summer. I know the general technique. 

A while ago, you told me to practise swimming in my bathtub using floaties. You also told me to take pictures and blog about it. Since then, I’ve had three lessons in the bathtub.

Got a concussion every time. Why? Because I look like a fish out of water when thrown into a bathtub full of water and told to swim. It’s also too small.

Enough about me, let’s talk about you. You believe that unicorns, mermaids, and Wonder Woman are all real things, yet claim that I am insane. That’s fine. I can take it. My big boys pants are pulled up. 

And who knows, maybe you’re right. Maybe unicorns are real. Maybe mermaids do live in the water. And maybe, just maybe, Wonder Woman exists on a day of the year that isn’t Halloween. 

I don’t know much about Wonder Woman. I don’t keep up with comics or movies that come out after 2005. 

From the sounds of it, she sounds like she’s always deep in thought. Someone who is always looking up at the sky. Is she related to Wonder Bread at all? I know him. Maybe it’s a distant cousin? Second uncle? Third nephew?

You asked me if unicorns and mermaids like tacos. The answer is “hell no”. They don’t. Unicorns like corn, grass, french toast, and only the middle of pickles – they cut off the top and bottom with their horn.

On the other fin, mermaids like to eat scrambled eggs, breadsticks, Glen & Larry’s Ice Cream, and Flintstone vitamins. Sometimes, they will splurge and have a grilled cheese. 

But no tacos for either of them! They hate them. Trust me. Would I lie to you about the dietary needs of unicorns and mermaids. NO! No. I. Would. Not. 

If I could be serious for a minute, I’d like to say something.

Cheese and crackers is one of my all-time favourite snacks. I would make mini sandwiches with them in kindergarten at snack time.

That’s it. That was my serious comment!

Fine, I’ll say more. 

I still remember one of the first posts I read on your blog last year. It might have been the first post I ever read of yours. It was about you riding your bike in a race (event?) that was over 100 miles long. And as you approached the finish line, you were exhausted, cold, and wet from the rain. 

I remember you saying that a bunch of other cyclists were quitting and you wondered how they could go so far just to give up. You didn’t quit; you kept going and crossed the finish. 

It was a really long post, maybe 8000 words, but I read it all and was captivated by your determination and perseverance. I know I wouldn’t be able to get through that race, at least not in one piece.

I’d have to be put back together at the finish line like Mr. Potato Head. I’ve always likened myself to Mr. Potato Head. Maybe this is why. 

Since that post, I’m glad that we’ve become blog buddies. I think the official term might be “frenemies”? 

It’s always a joy for me to read about what superhuman feat you are accomplishing next. You’re an inspiration. I also enjoy receiving comments from you that I can only classify as, “Beca is losing her mind and wants to unleash her wrath on me in the form of emojis, but can’t”.

Pretty accurate? 

All this being said, I want to thank you for being a friend and for only joking about causing me harm.

You’re joking, right? Answer me!

Without Nutella,

Paul The Pedaller

P.S. Bucky says hi. 

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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15 Responses to A Letter To Beca

  1. rebecak says:

    Oh. My. God. This post tho. (Enter ALL the emojis here) I definitely sound like the serial killer… Context is dumb anyways, much like adulting.

    The jury is still out on the lethality of my threats… Soo… Just keep watching your back. And maybe order a pizza AND Chinese just in case. (Like you needed an excuse.)

    Side note: the level of my meanness lets you know how much I like you. It’s just a thing.

    Maple syrup through a straw, ay? I knew you were a classy guy from the start. 😉 (Isn’t ‘ay’ a Canadian thing?)

    The list of things you have never tried is truly baffling. I. Don’t. Understand. At. All. (She says while laying face down on the floor.)

    I want to put all the things together and shove it into your mouth. The fact that you’ve never had a Nutterbutter (Nutella and PB) sandwich makes me literally want to cry for you Argentina. Ok, you may be too young for that reference. Meh meh meh, I’m only 25. Blah blah blah blah blah. Ok, my jealousy may have shown through there… Just a little bit. Reign it in Beca. Reign. In. The. Crazy.

    I can’t believe you figured out my master plan about cycling, I truly thought I was the best villain around. Now I’ll have to change my escape vehicle to an invisible jet, perhaps.

    Since we are discussing invisible jets… I need to address these Wonder Woman statements you made. You are clearly insinuating that she doesn’t exist yet she is clearly sitting here addressing the letter you just wrote her. (Insert eye roll emoji here) If you don’t believe me, just refer to my Instagram where there is plenty of evidence that I exist on days that are NOT Halloween (insert double eye roll emojis, fist emoji, and BAM! emoji here)

    Unicorns most definitely exist. I know, I have a pet unicorn. The question about the tacos was actually a trick question. Both my unicorn and myself (Wonder Woman) regularly have Taco Tuesday together. So there! Sucka! Now I know the depth of your taco hatred and the lengths to which you will go to fuel your hateful lies. So. Sad. #WhatDidTacosEverDoToYouAnyways

    I’m not sure about mermaids though… That whole thing is kinda fishy, if you know what I mean.

    You swimming? Pictures or it didn’t happen. That’s all I have to say about that one.

    Let me get serious for a moment, but only because you did first…

    I really dislike when my unicorn cuts the ends of the pickles off with her horn because than her horn starts to stink. Yuck.
    Serious time is now over. Boom.

    Ok, maybe not so much because clearly I’ve taken note of how you lie, so I just lied too.

    I love your blog. I think you were one of my first followers and I definitely know that I asked you for help when I first started. I even remember the first advice you gave me was to keep my entries short and concise.

    I don’t follow rules well, hence my 8000+ word blog entry. But, as you noted… It worked somehow. And, for you to tell me that you liked it and were captivated by it is quite the honor.

    I absolutely love your blog, your sense of humor, and your writing style. I hope that one day I can have a blog half as amazing as yours.

    But that also leads me to this, you don’t ride a bike thing… Really?

    Can you get on this? Literally? I need Paul the Pedaller back. I liked that guy. Let’s breathe some life back into him.

    If you fall apart like Mr. Potato Head, I promise that it will be ok. Mr. Potato Head gets to grab my butt (refer to Instagram picture here) and I like to think that I have a pretty nice butt. (Insert big teeth grin emoji here)

    Ok, I lost the seriousness for a minute because I momentarily lost my mind in your comment section…

    Wow… Go figure… You were correct about that one.

    No really though, thank you for calling me an inspiration. I’m just a girl trying to challenge myself to constantly be better. If I can inspire someone along the way then that’s a bonus. On that note, this idiot of a girl is going to start marathon training on October 10 so I’m sure I’ll have lovely things to write about soon. And, I should maybe write about my half Ironman at some point too now that I’m thinking about it. Damn. I am superhuman. Wait… Duh… I already told you who I really am.

    With a nutterbutter sandwich in hand while cruising the skies in my invisible jet,

    Wonder Woman

    P. S. Tell Bucky that Princess Unikitty and I will pick him up about 8pm

    Liked by 3 people

    • Paul says:

      I’m going to type this comment as I read yours.

      Just your use of the word “Lethality” is alarming enough.

      Ay is a Canadian thing, but we spell it as Eh.

      Haha I think I got the Argentina reference, surprisingly. A nutterbutter sounds painful though.

      If you reverse my aged I’m 52, if that makes you feel any better?

      I knew it! The cycling was an elaborate plan all along!

      What is the BAM! emoji? Isn’t that was Emeril the chef on TV used to say when he threw salt and pepper with his hands?

      I still don’t believe that unicorns eat tacos. Pics or it didn’t happen!

      DAMMIT you just used the pictures or it didn’t happen line on me. Ahhhhhhh

      Haha I remember giving you that blogging advice too. And to separate your paragraphs into shorter ones. Clearly you listened to me.

      I just haven’t owned a bike since I was a kid and have never had the opportunity to ride one. I may have lied about my nickname too….but I did love riding bikes when I was young!

      Lol when I made my Mr. Potato Head reference I thought that would be the one thing that wouldn’t get mentioned in your reply. Wow I was wrong.

      A marathon? A half ironman? Geese. I can’t keep up. Maybe I’ll write about my Full Couchathon.

      Thanks for the kind words and all the jokes in between haha. I’ll let Bucky know you’re coming for him. He doesn’t travel light…he eats a lot. So, hope you’re ready for that. Thanks again for this!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. rebecak says:

    OMG!! Can you see that emoji too?? Or am I being delusional again?

    Liked by 2 people

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